The Crusaders
Echo’s eyes shot open as a searing pain shot through her temples and down her spine. She groaned as she rolled off her bed and onto her hooves. Those ponies really hit me hard, she thought, and the volume of that music didn’t help either. Unsteadily, she made her way over to her bathroom mirror. The sullen eyes and tangled mane of Candlelight looked back at her.
“Ugh.” she groaned to herself. A flash of green flames later and she stared into the sullen eyes and unkempt mane of her natural form. “Much better.” She said, half-seriously. Another flash of green flames returned her to Candlelight’s form, now pristine after being dismantled and reassembled. She looked fantastic, but she still felt awful. “Now, what manner of unpleasantry must I deal with today?” she asked herself. “Ah yes, I have to go and be Twilight Sparkle’s little lab rat. How could I forget? What else...”
As Echo pondered the myriad of misfortunes she would find herself fighting through the day, Rarity’s voice called from downstairs, “Breakfast, Candlelight!” Echo didn’t need to eat, but it certainly helped to keep up appearances. She opened her door and started down the stairs.
“Good morning, Rarity.” She said as happily as she could.
“My goodness,” Rarity cooed. “You look fantastic, considering how rough last night was on everypony. How ever do you manage to stay so pristine?”
Unable to provide a sufficient answer, Echo decided to play spin-doctor. “I could ask you the same question, Rarity. Your mane seems to be immaculately preserved.”
“What, this old nest of tangles?” Rarity giggled. “It's nothing special, I spend about 2 hours each morning cleaning and styling it, then I apply a spell that Twilight taught me, and - ” She cut herself off and glanced at Echo with embarrassment on her face, “I mean, thank you darling,” Rarity smiled awkwardly.
Echo let a small grin cross her own face as she sat down at the table. In front of her was a bowl of collard greens and a blueberry muffin. “This looks fantastic,” she said gleefully. It did, too. Just because she didn't need to eat food didn't mean that she couldn't appreciate it.
“Actually,” Rarity glanced over her shoulder. “That was Sweetie Belle's cooking! She's improved a great deal since her first attempts.” Behind Rarity stood a young filly that Echo realized as being one of the fillies she had nearly scared to death in the Everfree after crashing. The little white unicorn was beaming from ear to ear as she trotted forward.
“Good morning miss Candlelight,” she said enthusiastically, without opening her eyes.
“Thank you Sweetie Belle.” Echo grinned. After a few moments, Sweetie Belle opened her eyes to meet Echo's. Her grin quickly contorted into an expression of fear.
“It's you,” she screamed, “save me!” She ran out the door as fast as her little legs could carry her.
That could have gone better.
“Sweetie Belle?” Rarity called after her sister. “I'm so sorry, Candlelight. I don't know what got into her.”
I do. “Why don't you let me go find her?” Echo asked reassuringly.
Rarity's face reflected concern for a moment before she softened her gaze, "Okay, darling. Please try to get her back in time for school?" Echo gave her word and trotted out the door. Time to make the most out of this eye.
A quick survey of her surroundings showed her that there was an almost imperceptible trail of slowly settling dust leading off to the north. Seems promising. She galloped forward, following the trail. Every so often she could make out a hoofprint in the street that matched a filly of Sweetie Belle's size. Small variations in the prints told Echo that Sweetie's speed was diminishing quickly. There is no escape! She thought with a little bit of glee in the back of her mind.
“Sweetie Belle,” she called out, “I'm sorry I scared you! Come out, I only want to talk.” She saw a white figure peek around a corner a couple buildings ahead. She pretended she didn't see it and continued to call out. Making sure that Sweetie could hear, she turned to a passing stallion. “Excuse me, sir,” she asked, “have you seen a little white unicorn filly go running past?”
“No ma'am, sorry.” The stallion said.
Echo feigned dejection and called out with as much desperation as she could mimic, “Sweetie Belle, please! I'm sorry! Don't run away!” She looked around again, pretending she didn't know where Sweetie was. When nopony came out, she hung her head in a slightly exaggerated show of her grief, and began to walk slowly back toward the Boutique.
“Miss Candlelight?” a sheepish voice came from behind her. Careful not to let the unicorn filly see, Echo grinned.
“Hmm?” she said, pretending she didn't recognize Sweetie's voice.
“It's me, Sweetie Belle.”
Echo shot around dramatically. “Oh, thank Celestia, I'm so glad I found you! I'm sorry if I frightened you back there!”
“No,” Sweetie said solemnly, “you didn't scare me. I just… you reminded me of something scary that happened to me a couple days ago. I overreacted, I'm sorry.”
“Don't worry about it,” Echo said, “come on, Rarity wanted you back in time to get ready for School.”
Sweetie groaned, “It's Sunday. I don't have to go to school.”
Echo laughed, “I didn't think so, but come on anyway, I don't want to upset her. Do you?”
A few minutes later, the changeling and the filly came sauntering into the Boutique, each wearing a stupid grin and laughing jubilantly. This little filly is a lot of fun! Echo thought.
Fun? She asked herself. Am I actually enjoying being in the company of a filly? I always hated the young changelings at the hive. Though, to be fair, Echo knew that changeling children tended to be of an exceptionally difficult nature.
“Welcome back, Candlelight!” Rarity chimed. “Sweetie Belle, I hope you apologized for running away from our guest.”
“Yes, Rarity.” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and trotted off to some other part of the Boutique.
“I'm terribly sorry.” Rarity apologized.
“It's no trouble.” Echo said. “She's actually pretty fun to be around.” Sweet Chrysalis, I'm not lying.
“Oh, would you like to keep her?” Rarity laughed.
Echo stopped and her jaw dropped. "I - I don't think - I shouldn't - that is to say that I … what?”
Rarity stared at Echo in confusion for a moment before she spoke. “Darling, I was only joking. I'm not trying to give Sweetie Belle to you.”
“I wish you would,” came a voice from the other room. Rarity shot a glare at the wall in the direction the voice came from.
“Dear,” she continued, turning her gaze back to Echo. “you don't have much experience talking with other ponies, do you?”
Echo considered her past experience. Chasing, kicking, biting, dive-bombing, but not much talking. “No, not really.” She admitted.
“Well, I'll soon change that. We'll turn you into a lady yet, Candlelight! First, though, I believe you had something to do with Twilight today, didn't you?”
Oh, ponyfeathers! I almost forgot. “Yes, you're right! I should get going. I'll talk to you later, Rarity!” She walked out of the Boutique with a spring in her step and a grin on her face. I'm happy. I'm actually happy. I have friends, they care about me, and I'm happy! “This is the most wonderful day EVER!” She shouted joyfully as she stepped into Ponyville.
This is the worst day ever. Echo thought as she entered her 3rd hour of questioning. “No, Twilight. Changelings aren’t all born from the Queen like insects. We’re insectoid, yes, but we have our own society and complex social rules. It’s not just 'Queen Chrysalis says do this, so we’re going to do this,' even if it does usually work out that way.” Echo was in her natural form in a private room in Twilight's library, reclining on a couch.
“Fascinating,” the unicorn scribbled onto a long piece of parchment. “so you could have foals if you found a mate?”
Echo was pretty sure that if blushing were possible through chitin, she'd be doing it right about now. “Yes. I could be a mother.”
“Absolutely fascinating,” Twilight scribbled further, “I assume that would take place through normal biolo -”
“YES,” Echo interrupted, “please do not finish that sentence.” She averted her gaze.
“Of course, sorry,” Twilight scribbled some more. “so, tell me about your diets. You said that you don't need love to survive?”
“No, not in the strictest sense,” Echo said, recovering from her embarrassment, “our bodies can subsist on regular food alone, but if our diet were not supplemented by love energies, our minds would eventually deteriorate until we were little more than beasts.”
“Hmm. I see. What about your language? Do changelings have a language all their own?”
“Yes. We have a couple ways of communicating with each other. We can communicate telepathically if we want to, or we can speak our own language.” Echo demonstrated the changeling tongue. To anyone but a changeling, it was just a chittering, clacking noise with the occasional buzz of the wings. As Echo uttered these strange sounds and gestures, her facial expressions contorted as they would have during any other conversation.
“Intriguing! The wings are a part of the language?”
“Yes. In fact, they're essential. You cannot speak Changeling without wings.” Echo stated proudly.
“Astounding. Tomorrow, I'd like very much to see them in action!” Twilight beamed.
“A little thing about that,” Echo murmured. “My right wing was damaged when I crashed, and it still hasn't healed all the way.” Echo turned to face the wing toward Twilight, who looked at it with a concerned eye. “It's healed enough that I can fly if I have to, but it would be extremely painful.”
“That's okay, you can show me when it heals. I think that's enough study for today, Echo. You can come back in a couple of days. If something comes up, let me know and we can reschedule. Thank you!” Leaving Echo with that, Twilight's attention turned irrevocably to the massive sheet of parchment that was strewn about half the room. Sighing, Echo rose to her hooves.
“Goodbye, Twilight,” she said as she covered herself in flames and once again took on Candlelight's form.
The unicorn muttered something affirmative as Echo left. Friendship is really weird. Echo noted.
Echo's mind raced as she walked through Ponyville's crowded streets. Everypony was eager to say hello and give her a friendly wave. This kind of thing never happened in the hive. There, a changeling would sooner rip your throat out than stop doing whatever they were doing for a single second. As she was walking, she caught sight of a familiar face – it was the red stallion whose marefriend she had impersonated on her first day in Ponyville. What's he doing standing next to Applejack? She wondered with a grimace. He must be cheating on his marefriend! What's worse; he's going to drag my friend into all this! Knowing that no self-respecting friend would allow such a travesty, she resolved herself to not permit this to continue.
“Hey, buddy,” she spat, “what the hay's your problem?”
“Huh?” The stallion muttered as he turned around slowly.
“I said, 'what the hay's your problem?' Don't you have a marefriend?”
The stallion paused and chewed on his toothpick for a moment before he said, “eeyup.”
“So what are you doing flirting with my friend, Applejack?” She gestured to her friend, whose eyes grew wide as the color drained from her face. She's shocked by his behavior. I don't blame her!
“I ain't flirtin' with her.”
“Then what were you doing?” she asked with an accusatory tone.
“Talkin',” he gave her a deadpan face.
“Yeah, talking about weird, freaky -”
“Nope.”
“I'm not buying it, buddy! You're no better than that good-for-nothing that tried to make a move on me at my welcome party! You stay away from Applejack, do you hear?” the stallion didn't flinch.
“Sugar cube?” Applejack squeaked. “This is Big Mac, my brother.”
Oh, damn it all to Tartarus. She stared into Mac's eyes, and he stared right back. Her voice cracked as she outstretched a hoof. “Charmed?”
He rose one eyebrow before extending his own arm to meet hers. Echo was lifted up into the air with the force of the stallion's hoofshake.
“So, now that the introductions are out of the way,” Applejack said, “have you ever been to Sweet Apple Acres, Candlelight?”
“Nope,” she mimicked Mac, eliciting a small chuckle from the workhorse.
“Well,” Applejack croaked, obviously still nervous, “let's go take a look at the best apple orchard in Equestria! Far, far away from here. Come on, let's go!” at that, Mac and Applejack took off toward the hills, Echo in tow.
The trio walked together in silence for a while before Echo worked up the courage to speak, “I'm sorry, you two. You know, about the whole -”
“Don't worry about it, sugar cube. You're new, we get it. Just... don't jump to conclusions like that in the future, okay?”
“Yeah, sure thing, AJ,” Echo looked at the ground meekly as they walked on to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Get a look at those apples,” Applejack said proudly, “we've got hundreds of these trees. Each one of those apples is guaranteed to be the best one you ever had! Here, try one,” she kicked a tree and a single apple fell out into her waiting hoof. She passed it over to Echo and watched expectantly.
Echo looked at the apple and then at the mare who gave it to her before taking a bite hesitantly. Her eyes filled with delight as she chewed. “Wow,” she sputtered through the apple, “this is incredible!”
Applejack visibly swelled with pride as she nudged her brother, “hear that, Mac? Best in Equestria.” Echo mumbled something that sounded vaguely affirmative as she shoved the rest of the apple into her mouth. I may not need food to live, but if I did, this is what I'd want to eat.
“Why don't you come and join us for lunch, Candlelight?”
“Please,” Echo said, “call me Candie. So much easier.” Wait, am I using the nickname that Pinkie Pie gave me? I've lost it. I've completely lost it.
“Alright, Candie. Would you like to join us?”
“Oh, yes'm. I'd like that very much,” she found herself mimicking Applejack's accent slightly. Oops.
“Now you're gettin' the idea,” Applejack laughed heartily. Echo joined in, reassured by the fact that her friend was not perturbed. Together, the three walked up to the farmhouse. Big Mac opened the door and stepped in first.
“Granny,” he spoke loudly, though not yelling, “we're home. Got a guest.” Without another word, he trotted off toward what Echo could only assume was the dining room.
“C'mon,” Applejack motioned for Echo to follow. They entered a room with a big round table, piled high with all different types of apple-based confections. At the far side of the table sat an elderly green mare. “Granny, this is Candie. Candie, Granny Smith.”
“Nice ta' meet'cha,” the old mare said gleefully. Despite her age, Echo could still hear happiness in the mare's voice. Echo was not used to seeing elders; in the hive, when a changeling became too old to provide for him or herself, that changeling was expected to die soon. To changelings, it wasn't heartless. In fact, the elders usually were eager to die, so that they wouldn't burden their family. These ponies, though, seemed to enjoy helping their elders with mundane tasks such as cutting a slice of apple pie, or getting up from a seat. It mystified Echo slightly, but she found herself charmed by their undying devotion to their family.
As the table was set, Echo heard rapid, light hoofsteps coming down the stairs. “AJ? Mac? You're home!” A filly's voice called.
I've heard that voice before... oh, no. Not again. Echo grimaced as a small gold yellow pony came around the corner. Echo looked at her plate, pretending to be very interested in the construction of the assorted apple treats.
“Oh, a guest. Hi,” the voice called, “I'm Apple Bloom. What's your name?”
Echo turned to face Apple Bloom, “I'm Candlelight, but you can call me Candie.”
Apple Bloom's eyes widened as they met Echo's. Bracing herself for another runaway filly, Echo fought a grimace.
“Well, hi, Candie,” came a cheerful call, “sorry about that, you looked familiar. Especially that red eye. How'd you get that?”
“Apple Bloom!” Applejack reprimanded.
Echo was actually flattered by Apple Bloom's question. “No, AJ, it's okay,” she assured her friend, “I was born with it, Apple Bloom. It actually sees better than my other eye, too.”
Apple Bloom sat down next to her sister. “Whoa, neat!”
As the night wore on, Apple Bloom asked more and more questions. Echo answered all of them happily. I never thought I'd enjoy being around children, she thought to herself, but these pony children are delightful! Gathered around the table, all of the ponies and the changeling laughed heartily and ate their fill of the best apples in Equestria. When they were all finished, Applejack turned to Echo.
“Alright, Candie. You're our guest, and we invited you, so you don't have to do this if you don't want... but if you'd like to come outside and help us buck a few apple trees, we'd think of it as a mighty big kindness.” Farm labor? Echo considered it. Sure, why not.
“Alright,” she chimed with cheer, “how bad could it be?”
Echo moaned as she leaned forward on her front legs and shot her back ones out, sending them into the apple tree with all the force her body could muster. “Why can't I just use magic?” she groaned.
“Sugar cube, we just don't do things that way here. I let Twilight use magic once, but Mac was out of commission that season. You've done 20 trees, you can stop now,” the farm pony said reassuringly, “why don't you head over that way and play with Apple Bloom?” Applejack motioned to a treehouse about a hundred yards away, “she's been wanting to see you again.”
“Sure,” Echo resigned, “I'd love to go and play with her.” With a nod of thanks, Echo limped toward the treehouse. Her back hooves ached every time they came to meet the ground. I never want to see another apple tree again. A minute of painful walking later, she came up to the treehouse and called out, “Apple Bloom? Are you there? AJ said you wanted me to hang out with you.”
“There she is,” a muffled voice came from inside the treehouse. The shutters opened and Apple Bloom's head poked out, “come on up, Candie!” Echo started to trot up the ramp, overhearing a conversation as she did.
“There's candy?” came another familiar voice. Oh, no. Another one?
“No, Scoots. That's her nickname.”
“Who's Candie?” Sweetie Belle's voice rang out.
Echo stepped through the door.
“Miss Candlelight!” Sweetie chimed gleefully. She and Apple Bloom jumped forward to hug her.
“Guys, don't you notice something a little... familiar about her?” Scootaloo said, seeming unnerved.
“Yeah, but does she REALLY look like that scary monster thing we saw in the forest?” Sweetie defended.
“I don't know, guys. Rainbow Dash told me about the Changelings that they fought in Canterlot. They can take the shape of anypony!” Oh, Chrysalis, this is bad!
“Yeah, but the changelings are mean, and they only eat love anyway. Miss Candlelight is nice, and she doesn't have a very special somepony.”
“She doesn't?” Scootaloo said with a grin. Oh no. No, no no no.
“Nope!” Echo said for herself. “I don't have one because I don't need one. I don't need to feed on love because I'm not a changeling. Also, I'm not really interested in any colts.”
“That's okay!” Scoot said with a grin. “You can have a mare as your special somepony!”
NO, NO, NO, NO! “Scootaloo, I don't want a special somepony. Thank you.” She tried to stay calm, and cracked a nervous grin.
“Yeah,” Sweetie piped in with a crack in her voice, “besides, don't you remember what happened last time?” At that, all three of the fillies made a “yuck” sound and pointed their hooves at their open mouths.
“Point taken,” Scootaloo said, “but that still leaves the question of what we're going to do today.”
“Same thing we do every day, Scoots!” Apple Bloom said. “Try to get our cutie marks!”
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Pinkie and brain.... Classic
Loved the interactions , hoped for the CMC to ambush candie as a beast and be scolded by Aj but i ain't complaining
Carry on good sir
Reference, reference.... GOT IT
Pinkie and the Brain? I loved that show when I was younger!
OH... Noo.... no no nonononononononono... Changeling + Crusaders....
"Pinky and the Brain". Boom.
Or perhaps in this case, would it be better to say "Pinkie and the Brain"?
Pinkie and the Brain reference spotted! Hah, made me laugh. Can't wait for more.
Last sentences just :D
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ_LZWVRpO-eFsTGG6W8sWkMtD4yGTtOdlpIJGxW_Qub-OQIFAoMw
Sorry Echo, but if you thought applebucking was bad, you have yet to experience Cutie Mark Crusading!
I loved pinkie and the brain. Also finally scoots!
2111849 2111845 2111844 2111834 2111830 2111818 2111808
I'm glad that cartoon was as popular as I was hoping it was. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one who remembers the Animaniacs.
You all get bonus internets for reassuring me that my childhood was not lost entirely.
2111855
Pinkie and the Brain was actually its own show for a while. I still love the Anamaniacs, but I just thought you'd find that bit of trivia interesting.
If anyone DOESN'T get that reference I weep for their soul.
2111876 Indeed, I knew this. I'm just particularly fond of them from when they were still a part of The Animaniacs. Nostalgia and whatnot.
"The same thing we do everyday Pinkie, we're going to take over the world!"
... You should have just asked who DIDN'T get the reference... I never even WATCHED the stupid show and I know the reference.
Hm... One thing about this fragment:
Oh, damn it all to Tartarus. She stared into Mac's eyes, and he stared right back. Her voice cracked as she outstretched a hoof. “Charmed?”
He rose one eyebrow before extending his own arm to meet hers. When he shook her hoof, Echo rose off the ground entirely.
When did Echo fall over?
So Scootaloo really exists? I'm baffled
2111985 She didn't, he lifted her off the ground as he shook her hoof.
I'll edit to clarify that. Thanks!
Animaniacs, pinkie and the brain, and freakazoid were AWSOME, still are too.
2111987
Oh, now I get it
Pinkie and the Brain:
Pinkie: What are we gonna do tonight Brain.
Brain: The same thing we do every night Pinkie, try to take over THE WORLD!
"Scootaloo, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
“Same thing we do every day, Scoots!” Apple Bloom said. “Try to get our cutie marks!”
Best Reference EVER!
Ah the Pinkie and the Brain reference.
"What we gonna do tonight Apple Bloom?"
"Same thing we do every night Scootaloo, try and take over the world."
I really have to say, the plot is solid enough and the secondary characters have enough depth, but it needs some more emotional involvement and pacing. Embarrasssing interactions, such as Candle's accusations involving Big Mac and Applejack are glossed over and forgotten too quickly, leaving an awkward feeling that one has missed something. There's not even any subtle humor to explain it away with a laugh, as is often a classic method of diffusing low-importance narrative tension.
Candle/Echo herself goes through developments in very sudden spurts with very little leading up to it. She should be more uncertain, hesitant to accept feelings she's never known before. This would make her feel like a more 'real' person.
It's a 'first draft' stage of writing, and could use some more action and dialog to expound upon some of the scenes a bit more as well as re-writing some scenes and internal monologue in Echo's mind to make the whole narrative flow more smoothly.
Damn you Pinkie and the Brain! Just because one incident gave me the nickname 'Pinkie' and I spent the rest of my high school life with my friends singing that damn song!
2112057 Damnit, was just about to comment about that, but anyway, seeing as you did that, I'm just going to stay silent.
if you are meaning the "point taken" it is of dragon age 1 from allistar is it
2111902 Just checking, but: You are aware that the Hub is running Animaniacs now?
Pinky and the Brain ref...
Huzzah! How many points do I receive!?
... WHY IS THERE NO LUNA EMOTICON!?!?!
: There was, but I banished it TO THE MOOOOOOON!!!
... shutupit'slateandI'mtired
Scootaloo, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Yeah, but how would we get a cockatrice into the catapult?
No, Scoots, We're going to get our cutie marks!
I like this story, I really do but it feels like Echo is getting a bit too nice a bit too fast if you know what I mean? I’m not against her making friends or even trying to be nice but wouldn.t she still be a bit prickly out of habit? It feels out of character for someone whose lived such a hard demanding existence to suddenly be so nice.
pinkey and the brain
You seem receptive to edits, so here is another:
"gaze and told Echo to try to get Sweetie back in time"
This is a jarring shift in pacing. It'd be better to just have rarity say it. (Sorry, on phone, awkward quote remains awkward)
Also! Jeez, I'm really used to being abusive towards my author.. I'll, hmm.
This sentence: After about 10 minutes of walking, Echo finally broke the silence
Is... It's bad. Too specific on top of using numerals in your prose (it's ugly), just let them walk a bit. Or show she gets uncomfortable! Just not the super specific time frame.
[If you want me to stop, just say so, I can't help editing anymore]
2116320 Thanks for the edits!
I know I'm not a perfect writer by any stretch of the imagination. Just a hobbyist who writes a little fanfiction in his (currently abundant) spare time. I'll take your tips in mind when I'm writing and editing in the future. It's appreciated!
CoAlFire
His reaction:
needstolaugh.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/13541.jpg
I see that Pinky and the Brain reference :P
Thumbs up d(^.^d)
2111855 Dude, as long as you remember one good cartoon from your past, your childhood is never lost. Also, now I can't get the opening tune out of my head... DAMMIT BRAIN! PINKIE HAS A BETTER CHANCE OF CONQUERING THE WOLRD THAN YOU! LET HIM COME UP WITH THE PLAN FOR ONCE!
2112358
xD
2119189 i love you, i was thinking no1 was gonna see that. best show ever when i was a wee little lad.
Yay I get to keep my soul!
2116002
I thought the Same^^
Scoots and Apple Bloom: "What we do this Evening?"
Sweetie Bell: "The same as every night, we try to get our Cutie Marks!"
DAT pinkie and the brain reference
is it odd that I heard the last lines said in pinky and brains voices?
Okay I can get that Echo has little to no social skills but who just runs up to two people talking and goes all like "HEY, what the hell's going on over here!?!" I mean seriously, who does that?
2240989 That is completely normal.
Who wouldn't get the Pinkie and the Brain refrerance?
was that a PINKY AND THE BRAIN REFERENCE?????
amazing!!!
They're Apple and the Scoot
Yes, Apple and the Scoot
One is a earth pony
The other is a pegaus
They're only little fillies
They always act so silly
They're dinky
They're Apple and The Scoot, Scoot, Scoot, Scoot
Scoot, Scoot, Scoot, Scoot
Narf!
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(Closest I could get!)