Applebloom has a big time crush on Spike, but with Rarity and all his involvement in Mane Six , she just has not been noticed! This little filly is determined to get Spike's attention , no matter what!
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Purpleperson125
Joined 18th Jan, 2012 ·
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Applejack is one word, not two. Also, I'd suggest making a new paragraph whenever a different character starts talking. It makes the story easier to follow.
Seems a bit rushed in the end.
So sweet!
Hmm, a little on the short side, I like the story and I think you have the characters pretty well off. I felt that the story was a little rushed, while we are missing key aspects of the show, for example: We know that Spike has a crush on Rarity, what made him change his mind so quickly? Was his crush on AppleBloom recently developed or he has been harboring for quite some time? When did this feeling begin to appear? The same goes for AppleBlooms point of view, except maybe not the crush on Rarity part
.
I noticed at certain sections when you had dialogue you didn't make a new paragraph when another character spoke. It made it difficult for me to read who said what.
For example:
" Ah don't know..." said Apple Bloom , though everypony already knew her mind was elsewhere. " Were ya thinking about.. a certain dragon , maybe? " asked A.J. " NO!" shouted Apple Bloom , darting her eyes left and right. "E-yup, she was thinking about ' you-know-who ' ." said Big Mac.
I think would be easier to read if it went like this:
" Ah don't know..." said Apple Bloom , though everypony already knew her mind was elsewhere.
" Were ya thinking about.. a certain dragon , maybe? " asked A.J.
" NO!" shouted Apple Bloom , darting her eyes left and right.
"E-yup, she was thinking about ' you-know-who ' ." said Big Mac.
Something along there, however this is just my view on the subject. Best wishes to you!
161951
Apple Jack. Not Applejack.
@Purpleperson125
Pretty good story. A few problems. Again, you should explain what happened with Rarity? I agree the dialouge was a bit hard to follow, but overall, the characters were captured pretty well. Could anyone tell me how long it takes before fim fiction will publish your fanfic?
Nice story but it felt a bit rushed.
This wasn't bad for your first try! You've good a pretty good idea here, but it needs development. There were lots of errors in form and some odd spacing and punctuation. To echo what others have said, in the future, if you write a fic that has the cast members acting differently than presented in the show, you need to explain why they're acting that way. The show presents no evidence of Applebloom liking Spike, so to just jump into the story with the two of them already reciprocating love for each other seems rushed. Everything else has been covered by others, so I'll leave my criticism at that. Probably the best way to improve this would be to get a pre-reader, and let another set of eyes look over your future stories to catch stuff like what's mentioned above. A pre-reader can seriously be the difference between a 3 star story and a 4.5-5. Also, seek out some 4.5-5 rated stories and see how those authors write. You don't have to copy their style or anything, but seeing other styles of writing can really help you shape your own. Or read some actually published authors to give you a few ideas on how a scene and dialogue should flow. Overall; good for a first attempt!
I was expecting more effort on Apple Bloom's part to get some dragon heart away from Rarity.
Feel a bit let down by it. The teaser promised a big herculean effort by Bloom, AB maybe getting in the way of the mane 6 during a mission where they bring along Spike, Rarity maybe shutting down Spike, Bloom winning Spike's affections, and hijinks along the way. All we got was some dialog, minor stalking, and a shared ferris wheel ride.
Sorry if Im a bit mean, but I cant help but feel I got less than what was advertised.
The formatting was a little off and it was a little too short, but other than that it was really good. Apple Bloom x Spike is my favorite fan shipping pair. Even with this story's issues I still give it a 4.5/5.
Peace Out.
That was pretty good for you first try. Short yet sweet. I never thought about Pipsqueak X Sweetie Belle
It's genius! Mistakes here and there but easily forgiven. AB X Spike is not my favourite ship but it's easily an interessting one. That ending was a little fast ("Hey Spike what's up?" "Not much wanna go out?" "Ok! Let's get married and have lots of babies!" That's the vibe I got from the ending) So all in all, I give this story a 3.5
nice story its just tht the ending was rushed at the end all of it came way to soon but other than tht i liked the story
Not bad but not great.Like most of the comments I agree that the ending was rushed. You did a good job for the most part about getting the characters feeling across but it felt like once you got to the fair you said 'fuck it I want to be done with this' and wraped it up.
It was actually quite a nice read. The ending felt kind of rushed though, like everypony else said, and there are a couple grammatical errors here and there, but readable.
Also,
"now I have two mushy gushy fillies on my hands"
should be hooves, not hands. Just saying.
161973
Thanks so much for all that helpful information! I will be sure to use it in my next stories! Also, I might be adding another chapter , which will basically be a better version of this story. Opinions?
162288
Thanks for catching that! I didn't even notice! I need to think like a pony, not a human!
:162166
LOL sorry for the short ending , i was really tired and excited to get the story out there! I promise it won't happen again!
162003
Applejack
162072
I'm really sorry about that! I made the description before i typed the actual story! I will most likely be making a better version of this story in the form of a chapter. I'd like for everyone who commented to vote whether i should or not!
161973
It will improve through the stories i write!
Thanks for the advice, i agree that the form was off!
162063
Can't wait to get writing again!
thanks for all the great ideas!
Apple Bloom singing My Little Pony? (Slaps her in the face) What a be tellin' you 'bout breakin' da forth wall, Beeatch?!
I'm surprized this is your first Fan Fiction. I love stories like this involving the Crusaders or Spike. (I think they're underrated characters who need more screen-time.)
Well done, Mah Boi!
Minor formatting errors present, but they've already been mentioned so I'll spare you the list.
I found this as a cute, harmless little read. It did seem very rushed, and while reading through I think you tip-toed around an interesting dynamic that I would have liked to see expanded upon. I of course am talking about that where Spike claims to be dazed in thoughts of Rarity. This presents an inner conflict for Spike as he maybe still believes himself to be infatuated with Rarity, and takes more time to come to terms with his crush on Apple Bloom. But hey, that's just a possibly over-analytical thought from a blowhard critic like myself.
You should definitely come back to this one at some point in the future and expand it a little bit. A little extra forethought will go a long way with your readers.
Not bad for your first fic. Like most everyone else i felt that the ending was pretty rushed, if i were you i would have used more build up. A story like this takes more words then this to tell right. But like i said before; solid first try
In stead of THE END
perhaps you could write to be contuined
Nice plot, but I had a little trouble with the rushed ending.
, a track, and a waffle! (o_o)>#
And starting a new paragraph when somepony else is talking would help a lot.
All in all, 4 Pinkie Grins
-TLC
What a cute story! Thumbs up! I like to see you doing some writing of your own, it's such a wonderful art form, and one that is often overlooked in the digital age. Keep up the good work.
265078 Thanks Guesswork! I'm flattered that you read my story! I'm thinking of doing another story, in the form of a chapter. It's going to be like a better version of this story; more conflict, more drama, and a little slower on the
asking out 
!
272676 AB x Spike is one of my favorite ships, so by all means, write away!
Okay then readers!!! I will write another version!! BUT, unfortunately, i will have to wait for spring break to write! I have been extremely busy lately with my schoolwork,so I will have to wait until I have some feetime!
Just keep in mind that i shall work on the story!!
Nice fic though the ending was really rushed i felt to be quite frank. I mean really, "You want go out" said Spike. "Yes yes yes, and then lets fuck our brains out and make millions of dragon/pony hybrid freaks of nature" said Applebloom jumping up and down like a school girl. And the whole Spike having a thing for Applebloom felt really forced and random, it felt like it came out of on a left field. Remember he has a thing for Rarity aswell, and i hope that will be a part of your story later. Also i hope we get some sort of origin plot of why Spike has a thing for Applebloom. Also you might want to try and organise your paragraphs and sentences better, because it felt really weird trying to read the whole thing when this sentence doesn't seem to be next to this one. It felt out of place, otherwise it was a very enjoyable read and you're a great writer. Hope to see more soon.
you no trick me it say incomplete it is not the end
One awesome Story man... ;)
not bad but i agree with what that other guy said the story was a bit rushed at the end but it was a good read.
"Apple Bloom slipped out the front door when Granny Smith started washing the dishes while singing " My Little Pony " at the top of her lungs."
myfacewhen.net/uploads/3326-yao-ming-scared.jpg
KAWII KAWII KAWII !!!!!!
SO CUTE I CAN'T TAKE IT
*explodes then regenerates than explodes and you catch m drift*
You know what?
I'm staring to like this!
totallostcause this deserves 4 pinkie grins
and 1 crying rarity 
for a rushed ending has the makings for a great story
this deserves 6 out of 5 pinkie grins:
and 
for good measure
...... dear Celestia that picture......
it is so amazing they are the cutest couple ever