• Member Since 15th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 19th, 2017

Obselescence


[center]Bye guys[/center]

E
Source

Twilight Sparkle is officially bored out of her skull. So bored, in fact, that when Fluttershy asks her to attend a dead squirrel's funeral, Twilight can't help but say yes. She's never been particularly fond of the late Mr. Acorn, but with Fluttershy almost in tears, and nothing better to do... well, what are friends for?

A collaborative work with the ever-marvelous Donny's Boy.

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 72 )
Amit #1 · Feb 5th, 2013 · · 38 ·

If I hadn't gotten too bored a few paragraphs in to finish reading it, I might have called the prose overexplicative and dully plodding; doubtless I would have found as well some reason to criticise the Princesses turning up in the middle if only I had the patience to learn its antecedents.

Sadly, the circumstances of my thankful ignorance may never let me know. :moustache:

Goddammit, Obselescence

My teacher's name is Mr. Acorn. Oh God I saw this title and lost it. XD

Squirrel funerals.

Srs bsns.

I knew this would be brilliant, but I wasn't expecting it to be quite as good as it actually is.

Everything here is pitch perfect, from the character voices to the humour, and everyone feels exactly like they should - and it's a testament to how talented you both are that the tone of the story shifts so dramatically and yet you never come close to losing that. I tip my hat to the both of you, good sirs, you have outdone yourselves.

Sypher #6 · Feb 6th, 2013 · · 2 ·

Really cute. I'm not sure what else to say.

That was a fun, unexpected, read. I wasn't sure what to think going into it, but I'm glad I checked this out on my whim. I imagine this was a fairly good depiction of how things might turn out in this situation.

The part with Luna seemed a little too out of the blue, and didn't really have much follow-up, plus the scene itself was somewhat underwhelming. The fact that Twi could leave, get Luna, convince her to do this ancient ritual for the sake of a squirrel, get back, and do it all in the span of less than a few hours seems dubious at best (but it helpfully nailed down how far she was willing to go to prove to Flutters that she cared... at least about making her happy).

Likewise, one of Twilight's motivations, that she had nothing else to do, seems a bit out of character. Not to mention confusing. It was sort of concreted when she states that she wanted to see if anyone else needed help before they got started. A.) Why is she apologizing for being early? B.) Why is she early if she went around town to see if anyone else needed her first? In any case, it seems like Twilight's concern for her friend would've completely overridden her boredom and pushed it to the back of her mind, and went with Fluttershy directly to the funeral.

Not sure if it would've cheapened it, or just stretched it out too much, but I would've appreciated the ending displaying a bit of the 'real' funeral. Perhaps even Twilight admitting that Mr. Acorn's transgressions weren't ALL bad.

ANYWAYS! There's my two cents. I enjoyed the story, and you've earned my thumbs up. :twilightsmile:

To be honest I thought that it would turn out that he was alive. This was good too though.

Love it!

Beautifully written, as if we'd expect any less from a collab like this. The voices were perfect, and Kyronea nailed it - best line by far and winner of the spittingly hilarious prize is is definitely “I don’t think I have any books on that.”

Something's bothering me, though. Yes, the Luna bit came out of nowhere and felt tacked-on, but that's not it. I feel like Fluttershy isn't herself here. The voice is right but the actions are odd. I just can't feel sorry for Acorn or Fluttershy and I think Twilight gets painted in an unfairly bad light here. It's largely based on Fluttershy asking Twilight only because nopony else was available, knowing that Twi didn't like Acorn, then springing the eulogy request on her. She also came off as ungrateful that Twilight showed up at all, despite knowing that Twi was there purely to support her - not to wax nostalgic over Acorn. I wrote half a page on why I thought Shy was morbidly off-base here, but I'll leave it as it stands instead.

It's the kind of addictively lovely writing that I devour from our authors which earns it a thumbs up. It's just not Fluttershy.

2080623 Stopped reading but decided to give a negative review anyway?

That's a lack of dedication right there. If I can make it through four vampire mary sue romance "novels" just to have an objective opinion on them you can make it through six thousand words unscathed.

Amit #11 · Feb 6th, 2013 · · 13 ·

2081634
I'm sorry, but I can't exactly agree that the life situation you are in that gives you both the time and lack of a gag reflex to do that necessarily reflects on me, well or not. :twilightsheepish:

Just to note: it's cool if someone takes issue with the story. You're free to think what you want to think about it, yeah?

Not as cool is taking potshots at other people, so if that could stop, I'd dig that.

So poor Harry the Bear is just walking along on his way to the funeral, probably wiping away tears as he walks, when he is suddenly and savagely attacked by a frenzied Twilight Sparkle who won't let him by. I think we learned who the real animal is in this town.

In all serious though, this was a nice piece. Not perfect, but it is good quality and that's what's important, at least in my eyes.

I can relate to this, having given myself an eulogy for a person I barely knew.
Beautifully written.

2080623 Amit didn't say it very nicely, but he has put his finger on a problem. The opening is the slowest part, and has the most-generic descriptions. It's total filler; Twilight's boredom and need for a purpose isn't even relevant to the story. It's just stuff there so the story doesn't open with Fluttershy knocking on the door. Trying to twist the story at the end to come back to that irrelevant beginning ("Being needed, she decided didn’t always mean bending the very laws of heaven and earth, plus calling in a few royal favors. Sometimes, maybe, it was enough just to be there, when called.") also doesn't help--that isn't what the story was about, certainly not once Fluttershy asked Twilight to deliver the eulogy. She was there, she did what she could.

I think it's okay to open with Fluttershy knocking on the door.

I like that the story's trying to say something, but it's muddled. What Twilight did "wrong", if anything, was to go to the funeral at all when she was doing it for Fluttershy's sake. And, well, that wasn't wrong. That's even what the story ends up saying is the right thing to do! The central idea is that Twilight was trying to be nice to Fluttershy, not to Mr. Acorn. And the story is arguing both that that's wrong, and that it's right. There's a strong idea there, but the pieces can't connect logically until you pick one theme and make everything meld with that.

Just the title was enough for a thumbs up from me, but reading it gave me a for sure reason. Good stuff!

2081662 I was fifteen, curious about a bad hype and I finished To Kill A Mockingbird well before the rest of my class :ajbemused:

"What more do you want from me?"--Thrakerzod, Captain Hook The Biker Gorilla

“I think I know just the thing! Wait here just one second.”

"Necromancy!" :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

2082066 You poor soul, you HAD to read Twilight? How ever did you get through that awful series?
Sorry if anyone here likes the Twilight "romance" series, I don't mean to offend you. But I can just never like that... um... crap.

Amit #20 · Feb 6th, 2013 · · 18 ·

2081872
It's not even entirely the start: on a second skim, the narrative 'humour' falls like an overtold Seinfeld joke and everything is so directly spelt out that it is as if it were an insult to the reader. The entire thing's an awful mess of halfhearted slow-walking prose, author-infused dialogue and hamfisted moralising more at home in an uncharacteristically laconic 19th century coming-of-age novel than a terribly shallow 21st century television-imitation story so sparsely interspersed with jokes digging for them is like digging for oil in the Atlantic with nothing but a shovel and a toy hydrophone. :ajbemused:

Also, it looks like the comment voting's reaching a YouTube-level circlejerk now. :unsuresweetie:

2082066
>to kill a mockingbird
>15
>citing this fact in one's own defence
casual detected

Entertaining read. I may check out your other stuff if you always write with this level of quality.

Comment posted by Knight of Cerebus deleted Feb 6th, 2013

:twilightoops: I have mixed feeling after read this one :fluttershbad: :twilightsmile:

Dang, Twilight can be pretty dense sometimes. Still, I can relate to this. Good story, feels acquired, mission accomplished.

Psst.

And, if Twilight were to be completely honest with herself, she’d have to admit that he probably didn’t care about a Princess-officiated Day in Night ceremony, either.

It's a Night in Day ceremony.

There's probably a lot I could say about this, but I'll try to make it short and simple.

Speaking technically, the story's flow is a little rough, like it was figuring out it's purpose on the fly while being written, and doesn't quite figure it out until, curiously, around the same time Twilight figures it out. Part of the problem, I suspect, is that the story's trying very hard to be light-hearted about a matter that is actually very serious.

But that said, I think it does successfully pull through in the end and comes together with a message that is both nicely deep and somewhat vague, in a pleasurable sort of way that leaves leeway for one to interpret it as they wish, but without being too emotional or hard about it. The "feels" (as it were) are struck, but not with a hard nor heavy-handed blow. It's very gentle and...peaceful. It's a very feel-good story, even though it deals with something as sad as death.

And a large part of that is brought about because of Twilight, the one character who can't quite relate with everyone else over the death of Mr. Acorn, much like how it'd be hard for us, the readers, to feel the same. Nonetheless, we feel obligated to feel or do something in response to this serious and sad matter that we see others caught up in, much like Twilight does...but we aren't entirely sure what. So one can relate pretty quick with Twilight's position and that want to do something.

Also, on a related note, Twilight attended the funeral not so much because she needed something to do. She attended because she's a good friend and knew Fluttershy needed the support, and despite everything, she tried her hardest to deliver, an admirable action, even though it didn't work out as Twilight had hoped.

As for the beginning with Twilight being bored and all of that...I suppose it is true that it's not ACTUALLY that necessary to have for the story...but I feel it does help put the reader in the right mindset so to make the situation feel as awkward for them as it was for Twilight that I think would not help the story any if you excluded it.

Anyway, all in all, it was a good story that I liked. It could stand to be better, yes, but at the same time, I feel this is good enough. :twilightsmile:

2081935 The problem is that it's the wrong motivation. The story is wrapped in this beginning and ending that claims the story is a message about being there for your friends. But the story in the middle directly contradicts this, indicting Twilight for going and trying to be there for Fluttershy. That's what I was trying to say in the comment you replied to.

Moreover, as 2083779 points out, Twilight needing to be useful isn't right, even for this misleading frame. It's a double-mislead; a motivation that doesn't fit a thematic frame that doesn't fit the story.

Dang, you got featured? Awesome!

This story is wonderful. That is all.

Lovely little one-shot :fluttercry:

Good stuff. A bit dry at times, but good stuff.

This was actually quite adorable and didn't feel like it would be too far out of place in the actual show. I like fics that do that. Kudos.

I can't blame twilight to much, I have been to funerals for the same reasons and fluttershy was harsh making her do a eulogy. I'm amazed he ate her books and got to live out his days without being transformed in to any kind of fruit.

This title...was it inspired by the title "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"?

2084769
Brilliant! And very well done!

Why is there a comedy tag on this? This story seems pretty serious for the most part.:rainbowhuh:

Howdy, y'all! First off, I want to say thank you very much for all the feedback, critique, etc. There's been a lot of really in-depth comments, and those are always wonderful to receive.

Second, I think Obs is fabulous, and everyone should just assume all the crappy parts of the story are my fault and not his.

Lastly, in response to the critique: I think there are a lot of good points that have been made, just speaking personally. I think there's definitely an unevenness in what moral the story is presenting, quite possibly due to the collaborative nature of the story, and the story suffers in consequence. I think I'd be inclined to keep the beginning mostly as is, though, and if we were to ever revise, I'd want to revise the middle section to bring it more in line with the beginning and end.

Overall, I still think there's some pretty good stuff in the story, though it's far from perfect. Moreover, writing with Obs was a blast, and I learned a heckuva lot from the whole experience. :twilightsmile:

2084820
Yeah, Obs and I kept going back and forth over whether it should get the "Comedy" tag or no. Sorry if it ended up being misleading!

2080623
BUT IZ SO GOOD

- Jimsh

2080623 While I myself thought the story okay and am rather neutral about it, I am deplored at the state of your comment. You gave a valid and reasonable criticism of the story and your comment contributed wholly to the conversation. I am angry that your comment is blocked due to being downvoted simply for disagreeing with the majority of the readers. I find that it is one of the failings of the new updates to the site.

I have much more to say on that, but I think I've pissed Knighty off enough for criticising the site.

Comment posted by Amit deleted Feb 6th, 2013
Comment posted by TheRealRainbowDash deleted Feb 6th, 2013

I'm not going to say anything one way or the other about Amit's comment. I cannot control the downvotes it got, or that it got hidden because of those votes, but at any rate, it's there if anyone wants to see what it was. Such is life.

If you'd like to lament this state of affairs, though, please take it somewhere other than the comment section of this story, 'kay?

Akavi #46 · Feb 7th, 2013 · · 1 ·

This was one of the strangest yet most beautiful fics I've read on this site. Kudos :)

2085461

I'll say alright right now, as reply. If you delete this I won't blame you, since it doesn't contribute to the story.

2081431 I very so much agree.
For me, I found it very hard to like Fluttershy in this story - instead of being kind and understanding she came off as some kind of grieving widow caricature. 'Just being there' was shown as 'wrong' and 'right'. You can only pick one, not both.
It felt as though Fluttershy was caught stuck in a Merriwether episode whilst Twilight watches on in confusion.

Well, I'm failing to come up with much to say, but I enjoyed this. Pretty believable, it was cute, and... well, Twilight learned a valuable lesson, lol.

Far as the overall quality goes, I say it's just fine, but I get where others are coming from--how the body/middle seems a bit disjointed or contradictory to the rest. Works fine for me, though. Although I am a bit curious as to how Twilight got a hold of Luna so quickly and easily... lol

Anyway. I'd read more from either of you authors, and I probably will once I finish catching up with Death Note: Equestria. :duck:

2082163 yes, had. Criticism is not criticism without due diligence. I watched The Room, too, by the way. My preferences for literature lie in other places. Conrad and Milton mostly, though Joyce is solid and Blake while...eccentric, is quite good. If I want something light I usually go with something like Bartimaeus or Sabriel.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!