• Member Since 22nd May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 29th, 2016

The-rogue-shadow


I'm relatively new to the world of fanfiction, but I do have a real deep passion for both MLP:FIM and writing.

T

Star Shot, captain of the Luna Institutes first warp five starship; The Twilight, has been giving a very special mission by Princess Celestia. Find the lost Princess of the Moon.
With her crew beside her and all of the wonders the galaxy has to offer in front of her; Star Shot will make sure that her mission succeeds, regardless of the alien parties trying to stop her.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 37 )

Review courtesy of The Writer's Group.

Hiya.

I've read the first chapter (I'll make sure to address this in my review), but I'd just like to point out a couple notes beforehand.

Double-check the grammar of the description and the title before posting your story. The quality of these two need to be flawless! They are the very factors that determine whether or not somepony decides to read your story. Just because I'm quite a fan of Star Trek, I'll run a quick grammar fix on those two.

Title: Star's Trek: The Search for Luna
Description: Star Shot, captain of the the Luna Institutes first Warp Five starship, the Twilight, has been given a very special mission by Princess Celestia: Find the lost Princess of the Moon.

With her crew beside her and all of the wonders the galaxy has to offer in front of her, Star Shot will make sure that her mission succeeds, regardless of the alien parties trying to stop her.

The grammar for the first chapter holds up well. Nothing too distracting or pulling away from the story.

As for the description's, it's not too bad. There's nothing wrong with it, with the huge, enormous universe of STAR TREK, I feel it could be so much more powerful! Take the description of the 2009 Star Trek motion picture.

The brash James T. Kirk tries to live up to his father's legacy with Mr. Spock keeping him in check as a vengeful, time-traveling Romulan creates black holes to destroy the Federation one planet at a time.

Isn't that just so interesting that you're almost forced to read/watch? Begin with some action! Some explosions! Something that just blows the reader away from his seat and immediately hooks them into the story! Note that this also applies in your first chapter. It's logical that you begin with introducing the characters, the plot, and the explanation for this, but it's less... fun. Granted, I enjoyed it, but it could be so much better.

Another example of an action intro is Star Wars. The beginning scene with the capturing of the Rebels has so much action, so much fighting, that the audience really becomes truly interested into the story. It's kinda like a roller coaster. Begin at the peak with action, laser beams, explosions, and the like. Then dip down for a little while, describing the synopisis, the plot, the explanation for why Equestria modernized and the events leading up to it. Then raise up again, and rinse and repeat.

A nice little video sums up this real well here.

Of course, it's just my opinion. Not all novels need to begin with action. It's just my approach whenever I begin a Sci-Fi/Action story.

If you'd like a further explanation with what I said in my review, or if you'd like a second opinion on your next chapters, send me a PM! My schedule's pretty erratic, but I'll make sure to allocate time for anyone willing to learn.

Good luck and happy writing! You just earned yourself a like and a fav. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by TheLast7Eevees deleted Feb 4th, 2013

Nice Story, even when I wonder why they need a Warp5 ship to get Luna back from where she went by her own(where does she has the subspace communicator from?)

Anyways, +1 from me:pinkiehappy:

While it's fine to use the group Star Trek Ponies to promote your story, I do ask that you link to the group, either in a comment like this, or your author's notes in a chapter. Now that I've added a link, you're good. :pinkiehappy:

MUST READ!!...BUT SO TIRED...

A strong start with some very interesting ideas :twilightsmile:

Have a thumb and a fav :raritywink:

2073906
Oh, I'm sorry about that. Thank you though. :twilightsheepish:

2080858
Thank you very much. I ecstatic you enjoyed it. :raritystarry:

2077950
Sleep, it will be here when you wake up.

2072805
Thank you, and they were building the warp 5 starship anyway. Going to get Luna is just a side mission, and as for her subspace communicator... Alicorn goddess of the night.... she probably doesn't need the technology to transmit over subspace. :unsuresweetie:

2071450
Firstly. thank you so, so much for the review. I love it when someone takes the time to write something like that.
I'm definitely going to change the description in the way that you said.
As for what you said about the story itself and starting off with something exciting. I agree with you to a point. I beleive that the writer has to make allowances depending on which genre they are writing in. for example, in my story 'Uncharted: Applejack's journey' I wrote it to be an action adventure, so it starts off with a train accident.
But for this one I was trying to emulate the pilot episode of the show 'Star Trek: Enterprise' which starts of a little slow and then builds up, and I can assure you that the coming chapters get a little exciting.

2082364

Alright, that makes sense. You would be surprised how many random explanations for Star Trek related stuff I've read. Anyways, when can we expect the next Chapter?:pinkiehappy:

2082514
No problem! You should at least deserve a little support for the work you took writing the story up. :twilightsmile:

Sure thing! It's always fun to spark mystery, action, and adventure in the description of your story. It makes the reader more interested within your story, and foreshadows the entire plot.

Oh, that's what you were doing? :facehoof: Whoopes, my slip-up then. I usually watch Star Trek in a random order by listing on the TV, and never watched the pilot for the original series. Just goes to show even reviewers make mistakes. :derpytongue2:

I'll be looking forward for the next chapter then! :twilightsmile:

2082677
No worries, and the next chapter will be very soon. :raritystarry:

Sometimes, a captain just needs to smack the guests around. Cause that is what they are. GUESTS. She could easily just decide to kick them out into the void :facehoof:

Well, this was interesting. Keep up the good work:pinkiehappy:

2186807
I agree, but don't forget, he is a dignitary for a very powerful planet.

2198872 That needs water to live... While Unicorns have magic that can boil said water. :pinkiecrazy:

Oh, boy. Curiouser and curiouser.....

2283913
And down the rabbit hole we go.

Love it so far keep up the great work! Also Twilight is best pony and now starship! :twilightsmile:

2287600
Thank you, and the Twilight is just as awesome as it's namesake.:twilightsmile:

2287600
Thank you, and the Twilight is just as awesome as it's namesake.:twilightsmile:

Your the one driving the "Twlight". I'm down in the lounge enjoying a Applejack Daniels on the rocks taking in the view. So, if you want you can go DS9 or Enterprise template.
The choice, I leave to you.

Oh, boy. This is what they call a full, rich day, isn't it? As for the formula, varying the point-of-view character would probably be helpful. Looking at Star Shot through somepony else's eyes would be fairly instructive.

2481048
Thank you, enjoy your stay on the 'Twilight' and please keep your hooves and tail inside the space ship at all times.

2481377
I feel sorry for Poor Star Shot.
And that's what my reasoning was.

Ok this si very interesting so far lol. Glad I finally have the chance to start reading it.

2540818
Oh, I didn't realise you hadn't had a chance to see it. I really hope you like it.

"Celestia damn it" I see what you did there lol

2570016
You obviously haven't read the first chapter of 'Harmony isn't everywhere' then, haha.

Personally I like the ensemble approach, following different characters.

Oh boy, things just got urgent.

Glad i finally had a chance to read this lol

3280066
Hehe, So am I, and I hope I get a chance to update soon. But in the meantime, if you need something else, why not check out 'Harmony isn't everywhere. I'd honestly like your opinion on it.

I would say yes, do follow the formula. Also, did those two people actually die, or is that just sarcasam?

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