• Member Since 19th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 28th, 2014

InfinitelySkilled


T

Twilight transforms you into a unicorn and insists that you stay in this world but you need to know everything before you can just start talking to ponies. You open your eyes a little further and see Twilight's eyes staring right back.

I couldnt fall asleep so I made this story up in my head but I never thought I would write it out for the world (Probably just a few lucky bronies) to read hope you like this
p.s. Made it second person
p.p.s. Constuctive critism please I need to know how I can be better!

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 106 )

good so far, but it seems..rushed

over all good story..but not a great one

:twilightsmile::twilightsmile::twilightsmile:

2064683 It may seem rushed because it kind of is, but thats because I have the middle of the story and had to come up with a begining:ajsleepy: dont worry it will feel more paced when the *ahem* I mean when I finish it :twilightsheepish:

Nice story,but I have something to say.*clears throat*
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:raritystarry:

2064763 My ears are now bleeding but thats okay, Dont worry I will not dissapoint..Maybe eeh im bored probably gonna play my ps3. Oh im still typing?:facehoof: huh well thanks for the noise will do!:twilightsmile:

2064773 Yeah the "Plot" a-wink only so far mere mortal okay probably gonna stop typing and do something productive...Hey where's that chocalate cake? kinda hungy...(Thanks for the feedback guys!!!!! This is the first time I ever wrote anything so blah blah sappyness blah):derpytongue2:

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Way too rushed. While wanting to get into the action is admirable, you have to take the time to get to it. Anon. :facehoof: Instant use and understanding of magic. :facehoof: No descriptions of the narrator's POV :facehoof:

Lots of hand to face occurred while reading this. While you might have the middle portion of the story typed up, it doesn't mean you cause a train wreck of the beginning (which is typically the most crucial part of the story, especially for a new writer) to get to it quicker. Ex being I've been sitting on a nice segment of story for one I'm working on. I'll probably get it out to folks in, oh, another two months or so. Not gonna ruin everything else just because it's ready.

tl;dr. Slow down. Smell the details.

Comment posted by Private Riften Guard deleted Feb 3rd, 2013

"Wow Anon." Twilight Sparkle muttered, turning her back on the humiliated stallion. "That was pretty fast."
Make this a line in the fic because it really fits well with the rest of the story. Everything is moving way to fast.

2065341 *cough* out of context *cough* I will most likely re-write this chapter maybe I will include this line and make it not seem rushed:twilightblush:

2065393 It would make me so happy if you did that! Seriously though I think its best if you work and slowing things down.

2065399 yeah to be honest this is just me trying to get a feel for writing I will definitely re-write this chap so people can be filled in more:twilightsmile: and to all the people who voting negative thanks for stoping by i'm sorry I did not meet your standards and I hope you find the stories you are looking for.

2065409 Sir don't you dare demand a review. If you do you're gonna get picked at over menial crap as well as the more important stuff.

2065399 and just one more question...Where will this fit in because I dont want to try and figure it out myself:unsuresweetie:

2065449 IDK. The story does say SEX. Maybe add it at the end of a sex scene?

2065462 I guess you are right but that would make the reader feel embarresed because of the 2nd person setting...not sure if want:unsuresweetie:

2065475 "Wow Anon." Twilight Sparkle muttered, turning her back on you. "That was pretty fast."
Is that better?

2065489 That's not what I meant...but you did correct yourself :moustache: and I mean I wouldn't want to feel that embarresment and the reader is in the story so embarresment is what you would feel maybe I will find something for it:duck:

2065504 You know what? Since I like your avatar pic SO MUCH I decided to start on the second chapter for my fic. :twilightsmile: thank you sir

2065518 The one I changed it to? Well what can I say except for...Socks...err...SOCKIES!!!!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

I sincerely enjoy reading these comments, seeing as how you're reacting. Normally, people go ape-shit when it gets hated, but you're kind-hearted, open to criticism, and willing to change.

Have a like! :twilightsmile:

2066660 These creepy people keep following me!!!! (Would you rather have no hands or Have a naked fat man stalker that you can never hide from or get rid of?) (Thanks you):twilightsmile:

2068202

naked fat man stalker. its basically looking a mirror, as long as he doesn't harm me in any way!

Good job. For a new writer you are doing pretty good.

But her is a tip
Tip: make sure you update you story once a week or so.

If you need some tip on what not to do. Read this story
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81146/the-pegasus-with-the-arm

Well I have to say you really are a goodwriter but is the person who was changed into a unicorn a girl or a boy?

2078525 I would prefer to have it male but if you are a girl and into that read the rating and why, Just sayin'...:pinkiecrazy:

2071179 Lol but if i went to a party then he would be the naked fat guy at the party xD:rainbowlaugh:

2072433 Dont wanna read but I will be Re-doing this chapter so everyone keep your flanks on the wall err... wherever they go. Whatever im human dont judge:rainbowwild:

“Feel the magic from within your heart.”

How cheesy!!!

Well, the story is great so far. Can't wait to see more!:twilightsmile:

2080972 Whatever bro! yeah this guy is my older brother and a troll lol go away! =P

2081043 Actually, I was serious. I do think this story is very well written and extremely detailed, which are two very important elements in writing a good story. With that being said...
Who's the troll now?

2092179 YES IT DOES!!! HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED WHEEL OF FORTUNE, YOU DUMB MOTHERBUCKER??!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Well, here is another review for your story

Besides the massive absence of commas (,), your story is put together very well. I almost felt as if I was the character himself, though it probably would have went different for me.

There was one error I saw:

She noticed your eyes dotting around the room and thought you were going to pass out again, for a second, you did to.

I'm pretty sure that was meant to be too.

Other than that, I can't wait to see the next chapter, bro!!:twilightsmile:

Hi

2093507. LEAVE HIM ALONE! *pulls out diamond chainsaw, perhaps the most deadliest weapon in the universe* you wanna try to mess with him/her now?

2094920 I am male so him. lol made me laff (i have diamond camo in black ops 2) perhaps my gold plate diamond-studded RPG is a little more deadly than a chainsaw JUST SAIYAN!:rainbowlaugh:

2094920 Oh no you didn't. OH NO YOU DIDN'T!! I hope you and your family go camping your family falls in the fire and you watch them slowly burn to death.

(PS These lines

WHY ARE YOU SO MAD AT SPAGETTI BRO

YES IT DOES!!! HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED WHEEL OF FORTUNE, YOU DUMB MOTHERBUCKER

and the one above are all from NobodyEpic's video "THE MADDEST GAMER EVER". It is all in good fun.)

(PSS ShadowBeatz has an incredibly large penis.)

2095550 bro, just shut the hell up... for the sake of us all...just stahp:facehoof:

Hi

2095386 really then if you launch it at me i can just slice it in half the two sides fly away from me then i can sprint and kill you even if your wearing Juggernaut suit

2095953 ah but that rocket was actually a spy! and it already backstabbed you. good game friend, now i must get back to writing the next chapter but if you want you can add me on steam:pinkiehappy:

Hi

2095988 how is there a decoy rocket that can stab me in the back? Plus diamond chainsaw! Also sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/399574_409825272412766_1273371839_n.jpg you lose... forever

2097677 Ah but how can i lose if you never won? lol at ocean shores this weekend the delay for the next chapter will be a while dont worry guys I wont forget about it.

Hi

2099006 allfunnystuff.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/funny-Christmas-wish-greeting-card.jpg also don't you mean a piece of pie? Not cake.

“I’m sure.” You were confident that they would be your friends, and that meeting them would be a piece of cake.

Login or register to comment