After King Sombra's defeat and the return of the Crystal Empire, Princess Celestia came to the mane six with an offer: to become a manifestation of her will throughout the world, an elite team designed to solve Equestria's most dangerous problems. Warriors and diplomats, Twilight and her friends must leave their homes and their loved ones to ensure the safety of all. This pursuit will push them to new heights, and new depths.
The world is a dangerous place.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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*groan* Those Pinkie Puns... Well written, I shall be watching for further activity.
I am reading this solely because of that pic.
This story is pretty good, no mistakes I can see so far.
However, the ponies do seem like their being used as tools of Celestia.
Also, the fact that they just go around killing things is a little odd, but whatever. You'd think they'd try talking before jumping into action.
All in all, I think I'll keep my eye on this.
2065162
They most certainly try the peaceful route first (if such a thing is possible). Hence the line: "...not every situation could be solved with peace and understanding..."
The Treants were basically like how they handled the timber wolves in the actual show.
You're still awesome at action scenes - I could really see both Rainbow Dash's exaggerated tale AND her telling it! But Fluttershy didn't seem herself to me.
Looking forward to more.
Read the first chapter when it popped up yesterday but was too tired to comment. I had many skeptical thoughts at first, like how aside from using the elements there must be others more qualified for this job, convincing them to take it in the first place, training and ect. But it seems like with these two new chapters you have this all in mind and are making it work.
The actual writing is excellent as always, and though I'm not particularly a fan of pure adventure this looks good so far, so lets see where it goes.
Added to my read later list
KAAAAAA MEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAA MEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
2080964
I love you
I really don't know about this yet. You just kind of threw us into ‘The mane 6 are personal mercenaries of Celestia.’ Deal with it. Which I’m actually somewhat for an everything but I’m just not getting into this yet.
The pacing itself feels a little bit fast, or it could just be me. I tend to read quickly so I sometimes get the pacing of a story messed up. Although from what I gather this is going to be a mainly action oriented adventure story so fast pacing is probably what your aiming at. Either way I plan to keep reading and give this a shot.
I totally agree with the kamehameha comment. *Other DBZ references imminent.* Twi’s fiery mane=Kaio-ken. Her uber unstable energy self=super unicorn. Even that fight scene between T and Celly could be played to the Piccolo training Gohan or Goku training Gohan in the HTC.
Quick: Have a picture I just found.
http://iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/139198%20-%20animated%20artist-spaerk%20super_saiyan%20twilight_sparkle.gif
Hmm, I do believe I am reading way too much into this and that my comment has gotten way out of hand.
On another note, I wonder if there are any crossovers between the two. How would you even go about doing that in the first place? Well I do believe I have ‘now’ made this comment long enough with my senseless babbling of DBZ and MLP.
Tangent aside, happy writing and all that.
2081798
Actually, you're pretty much on the money. I was listening to a wide assortment of DBZ music while writing the latest chapter
As for the mercenaries bit, the nature of the story (how they ended up that way, why, etc) will be revealed gradually, in further chapters.
I appreciate the interest, as always. Good to see another DBZ fan too
Yet another masterpiece from ya! Keep up the incredible work, bro. I eagerly await the next chapter of this epic series.
Well, that was completely random, the appearance of Trixie I mean. Not sure I approve.
2161458
All in good time.
2160758
Thank you sir
Happy writing and all that.
Well, trying to decide if shes the "vegeta" of the group or a straight up villain. You used lines from both, and even threw in some (blegh) GT.
2198638
...I used GT?
I'm...I'm so sorry...
Enjoying the story, but lying doesn't really fit Pinkie's character, though she does enjoy a bit of fun
I just have to do this.
0:00-0:35 (suspense)
0:36-0:46 When evil awakens, and trouble is aroused,
0:47-1:08 Only an elite group of ponies are capable of stopping it...
1:09-1:33 A group that demonstrates a magic more powerful than ever before...
1:33-1:55 (awesome pan of watching each of the six gearing up) Who fight for truth...loyalty...peace...happiness...equality...and...
1:56-2:18 (Epic slow-mo group-battle-stance seen in picture)...HARMONY
I'm too lazy to do the rest. Anyone care to take over?
Applejack was exceptionally commendable in this chapter. It really showcases her values when she gets off a long train ride after a series of dangerous, exhausting missions and goes straight to work to help provide for her family.
2065283 Timber Wolves were established to be violent and aggressive. When they show up, the ponies run in fear. The very same ponies that are suppose to be fighting these giant treants.
I'm two chapters in and a ton of things just feel off. You started everything in medias res, relying completely on the story synopsis to explain what is even going on in the first chapter. So the story picks up with a group of ponies that have virtually no fighting experience (you've given us no information to indicate otherwise in chapter one) who, as of known cannon, are the only ponies capable of wielding the Elements of Harmony and Celestia is sending them on random dangerous missions around the country with little to no information about what they are getting into. In the first chapter we've just established the premise as a poorly planned idea on Celestia's part. Not the best start.
Rainbow being grounded felt like forced group tension. You also spent precious little time describing the environment, so when you mentioned that the group couldn't see past the treeline it felt like a sudden attempt at forcing tension. The treants' size wasn't described too clearly other than 'big' so I didn't have a good reference for how their size compared to the ponies. Size, when combatants are of different sizes, is very important to note; especially comparative size when dealing with massive creatures. It helps give not only a sense of scale, but it makes things easier to visualize.
The battle itself was decent, but several times I lost track of who was attacking which treant. The treants themselves felt arbitrarily weak. Given that a single strike was busting them apart, they weren't very threatening. The magic immunity was very forced and you gave no reason for why they were immune to magic. Also, for some reason, Twilight was beating herself up for not realizing that fact. Why would she have known? Is it common knowledge about treants? If it is, and she knows what they are, then why would she be surprised? There were no clues that they were magic immune until her spell failed to affect them, so she should not have been acting like there was something she failed to notice. Further, the treant that was holding Pinkie just picked her up. That's it. It didn't try to squeeze her or hurt her in any way. It didn't throw her or do anything to put her in danger. That entire caveat of the scene served no purpose except to force Pinkie to not be a part of the fight. That Pinkie did nothing but make bad puns the whole time really ruined any attempt at tension or danger.
Then you've got Rarity and her 'priceless' gem. Why did she bring it? Why would she bring a priceless item on a dangerous mission? Oh, to pin a giant creature's arm to a tree... of course. Just how the hell big was this gem? In one moment, you've got a 'boulder' getting stuck in a treant's leg: then you have a gem that fit in a saddlebag pinning a treant's arm to a tree. The size disparity there is staggering and is utterly immersion shattering.
Let's not forget Rainbow breaking its arm, either. You have her forceful impact against the arm and it's slamming into a tree cause no visible damage (cracking, breaks, etc.) but Rainbow simply pushing a bit harder, as you never described her baking up or slamming into it a second time, is enough to break it. Not really buying it.
Next, despite being a giant mass of moving flora, losing a leg and falling over is enough to kill them. Huh? They just fall over and that's it, they are beaten? No further struggling, no trying to get back up, just fallen and can't get up...
You can't just utterly invalidate a character's abilities (magic immunity) without a very solid reason. Right from the start you took Twilight and Pinkie out of the fight and Fluttershy did absolutely nothing the whole time. Even when you had Twilight use her telekinesis to get around the magic immunity, her attack didn't even do anything (the boulder plugged up the hole it made). So that's three characters that had no purpose being there, while Rarity was only there for a single deus ex machina moment with her gem-of-unusual-size. In a group-centric that is a bad way to start. Even the weak characters need to be able to do something once a confrontation happens.
I've got other gripes with that chapter but I'm moving on for now.
Chapter 2, alternate title: Nothing Happens.
Train ride, everyone is tired. Arrive at Canterlot, split group. Describe Canterlot and irrelevant things. Oh, goody: Twilight meets with Celestia! Something interesting has to happen now! Nope, just a tease. Twi is tired. Celestia has armor for the group, probably looks just like the cover pic (i.e. a few metal bands that wouldn't actually provide any real protection outside of having magical enchantments).
So, the big moment here is when Twilight goes to report to Celestia. She tells her about the treants, but suddenly mentions that they were sick. Why was this not mentioned last chapter? What's worse is that the logic used was: They were sick and attacked us, so we killed them. And Celestia was totally okay with it. What could be worse? The topic is then immediately dropped. Why is that bad? Let's make a list.
Being sick is what made the treants attack. That is the logic we are given. When something gets sick and the sickness makes it violent, that is a problem. That the group killed them without a second thought shows them having questionable morality. If treants are normally not violent, why was Twilight not more surprised by their violent behavior? Why was no attempt made to communicate peacefully? Why, if the sickness made them violent, was the source of the sickness not investigated? Surely, if that group of treants contracted an illness that made them violent, then other treants in Whitetail Woods might be in danger of contracting the same illness and becoming a threat as well. Why was this not discussed or even taken into consideration? A peaceful ruler, like Celestia, should be concerned about those kinds of things when a normally peaceful creature suddenly becomes violent, yet she just dismisses the whole thing by saying they are better off dead than sick. That is a pretty grim outlook considering we don't know if that sickness was treatable or not since we are given no information to work with.
I'm sorry, but with so many loose threads I just don't see myself reading further.
2231633
Ay yo meng. Check dis out.
cold-moon.com/images/Motivators/GMs/CreativeLicense.jpg
Also did you judge an entire story based on two chapters. Because nothing is ever explained in the other four. Totally.
2231633
This was several months after the events in the Crystal Empire. This isn't their first assignment. As well, these same ponies who ran from Timber Wolves also chased after a gang of Diamond Dogs when Rarity was kidnapped. And yelled at dragons. And fought a crazy reality bender. And beat the crap out've an army of bug ponies.
This next bit is an issue that I've encountered numerous times, and I am flabbergasted every time. I think I can explain this best through an example: Recently, I read a few chapters of the book "Zoo", by James Patterson I believe. I read the little blurb on the cover, talking about animals going crazy and killing people. I read the prelude and the first three chapters of the first section, and it basically involved zoo lions suddenly thirsting for human blood. Nothing about why they are acting that way is explained. Its hinted in the first section of the book proper that something really bad is happening to animals all over the world, but again, its not explained. When I see this, I go "Why are they acting this way?" and I read on to find the answer. It seems like you, and others like you, would instead cite it as a flaw in the writing itself, that the author had simply forgot to explain, rather than assume it will be explained later.
Rainbow being grounded was to establish character, and to add a little funny interaction between the group to start things off. As for the treants, they were described as "towering" and "gargantuan", and they were also described as essentially living trees. I feel that breaking out the ruler and saying they were exactly 22 feet tall would be hugely inappropriate.
Twilight's reaction to the magic immunity was a jab at her being an avid book reader, as well as establishing the fact itself (treants = magic resist). It was implied to be something recorded, hence why Twilight was like "I forgot oh crap!" Why do they need a reason to be immune to magic? These things are present all the time in fantasy. Why do Timber Wolves reform after they are broken apart? No reason is given, it's simply established as fact. This was the case with the treants. As for Pinkie, she was a driving factor behind the fight itself. It did add tension, but it also kept her in character. Even in danger, she is oblivious and bubbly.
Perhaps "priceless" was a poor choice of words on my part. I meant it as a quality of a gem, not in that it was literally worth an indescribable amount of currency. I just wanted to use another descriptor for "gem", basically. And why did she have it? The same reason it was used: its useful. She carried a few sharp gems in her bag, for the express purpose of using them on assignments. The arm size, meanwhile, was mentioned numerous times: it was described as a branch. The legs were described as "stumps", basically the thick part of trees. Hence, the legs are much wider and thicker than the branch-arms.
Rainbow did not intend to break the arm. As described, they couldn't just break it off entirely, as it would undoubtedly harm Pinkie. They broke it off at the hand instead, allowing them to catch it before it hit the ground, and prevent any splinters from hurting her. And do branches on a tree have the same thickness all around? They don't, last I checked
And they were never killed. As described in chapter 6, they were not dead, just immobilized. Why didn't they struggle? Well its a gargantuan mobile tree without a leg. They probably didn't even need to break the legs off to stop them from getting up.
Twilight had a role; not only did she continue attacking in other ways, she directed the others effectively, and demonstrated her ability as a leader. Fluttershy? Well, she's Fluttershy. She isn't really one to launch herself into combat. Even then, she still helped by catching Pinkie when the hand was broken off. Without her, Pinkie could've easily gotten hurt in the fall. Just because her role wasn't huge, doesn't mean it wasn't important.
Chapter 2 is establishing character, and explaining some of the things you had issue with in chapter 1. Now it's a bad thing?
The bit about the sickness: refer to the second paragraph of this post. Just because something isn't expressly stated does not equate to a plot hole. Have patience. These things are explored later on.
And both Twilight and Rainbow insisted the treants release their friend. They responded with trying to wack Rainbow out of the air. If that isn't a declaration of hostility, I don't know what is. And who said Celestia was not concerned? The treants being sick is actually a major plot point, that will add to things later in the story. Again, just because things are not stated right now doesn't mean they will never be addressed.
DISCLAIMER: This gentleman decided to write up his thoughts about the story, and I am just responding with my own reasoning! I am not dismissing his criticism, I am merely explaining my side of it! I've gotten flack in the past for defending my own work. Please do not take this the wrong way.
I feel you would have benefited from reading Solaris90's high adventure fanfiction before writing this (only posted on DeviantArt for some reason). Although his universe is much more vast, dark, and complex than this one is so far, and it takes all of the first story to build up to the "power rangers" formation, the concept is essentially the same. I thought of it when you described Twilight's armor as merely "head piece" and "chest piece" whilst he names all the individual pieces: champron, paytral, greaves, etc. 'Course, he probably only did so after being inspired by Jetfire's "It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door," but that doesn't cheapen the effort Solaris90 put into his "Knights of Equestria" universe. If this is your thing, I would recommend it.
2232023
I'll check it out.
This story will get more complex as it proceeds. Even though it didn't start from their humble beginnings, its still early on in their experience. There will be trials and tribulations yet to come. It may even qualify for a dark tag at some point
The Ponyvengers?
Okay, all that's left is for the armour to be magical and that it can be summoned or dismissed with a magical command:
ELEMENTS OF HARMONY UNITE! (Begin transformation sequence stock cut-scene)
"I'll try my best, Princess..."
"NO! Do not 'try'! Do, or do not; there is no 'try'!"
That's the thought that immediately jumped into my mind during that conversation. That's what you get for being an old Warsie, I suppose.
I think that Fluttershy is in for several days of aching wings and newly-developed phobias about loud-voiced yellow pegasi with orange manes.
Well, it's looking like Celestia's prophecy has come true: The only way to contain this is to seal the energy up... in a spherical container... with the creator of the discharge. Goodbye Trixie, hello a few free-floating carbon, hydrogen and oxygen ions. For what it's worth, Twi, she brought it upon herself. Madness had turned her into a threat and you had no choice but to end this in a way that minimised the loss of life.
Nice work on the duel, though. It's a real Wizard Battle, using direct and indirect magic plus wit to use magical and mundane effects in unexpected ways.
Am I the only one who pictured pinkie constantly jumping on the treant's hand like it was a diving board?
Anyways, please keep writing.
I was hoping you'd do a flashback after the first chapter, and maybe even the second, showed us what kinds of things were coming while still showing us how we got here, but that hasn't happened, and I'm almost offended by this story. Yes, I get that it's an action-adventure story, but it doesn't make any sense. How did they get there, why do they behave the way they do? Most of their actions are obvious evolutions of old ones, but you can't just say "This happened so they're different now," you need to adress how the characters have changed and why. Why is Fluttershy okay with this violence? When did Twilight decide to learn combat magic? There's a reason adventure stories either use original characters or start from scratch, and it's because if you change their attitudes even the slightest bit without explanation it just feels out of character. Growth is not bad. Unexplained growth is.
2234182
Twilight learned combat magic mostly from Celestia. Their interactions were said to start almost immediately after the assignments began, so that should give you an idea when it began.
And who said Fluttershy is ok with it? In chapter 6, it is said that they have solved every assignment thus far without killing things. Many of them were solved through less violent means, where Fluttershy shines. In chapter 5, she demonstrates her reluctance to learn combat techniques, so that should indicate that she is still not ok with it.
Hope that clears a few things up.
I called them the Elemares.
Reminds me of the Kamehameha vs Galick Gun.
2233462 Twilight is Magic, not Friendship, why do people always get that wrong.
I have one problem with the chapter, putting Gold on Armour. Gold is very soft and heavy, in fact it is the worst thing to wear during a battle.
2236727
Like Rarity said, the gold is just for looks. A thin layer, just for shininess.
2236734 Yeah, still not the best thing, I mean, you should never go into battle, wearing something for looks, it is a waste, and when the armour gets damaged, you will have to pay even more to get it repaired.
2236786
Well that is true, but in a world where gems seem to be as common as toilet paper in our world, I can't imagine it would be THAT valuable
2236993 Okay, you got a point there.
Related...
For a plain, practical pony, Twilight sure puts on one hell of a flashy magic duel.
When she pulled that Piccolo moment, it was easy to imagine her saying, "Your reign of terror ends today, showmare!" The Super Namek Theme even started playing in my head. The fight was explosive and all, but if it isn't tied firmly into the plot of the story, it's just gonna end up being a great big digression. It already felt pretty out-of-the-blue, so maybe some vague foreshadowing would have prepped us for Trixie's random appearance.
When the train screeched to a halt, I was kinda hoping it was Spike catching up. I was disappointed, but the presence of my other favorite character made up for it. Problem is, it's difficult to believe that Trixie would be this petty (or insane, as the case may be), especially after her appearance in Season 3. Twilight is going on missions to safeguard her country and Trixie's still holding a grudge? Did further events transpire between the episode and this fanfic?
As for Spike, I make it known occasionally that I have zero interest in anything that focuses exclusively on ponies while forgetting that Spike is Twilight's closest and oldest friend (not to mention that he can handle danger). Seeing him in the character list gives me faith, but it's absolutely ludicrous that, with four days of shore leave, none of his closest friends visited him in Ponyville or invited him to his own hometown to meet them. I'm sure there's a reason for it in the story, but you should subsequently provide a reason for Twilight's failure to at least correspond with one of the most important people in the world to her. You had four freakin' days, Twilight!
Last of all: when you reply, make sure your browser is showing you the chapter. It doesn't work if you're on the page that shows the synopsis and list of chapters. I don't know if it's the same throughout the site, but it never alerts me when someone replies.
2237937
I'm glad you liked it. Trixie's appearance is indicative of something far more dire than petty revenge. She actually wasn't lying when she told Twilight that she did not hold a grudge. As for the episode in season 3: I haven't decided completely yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to consider it canon in the fic. As the description says, only up to the Crystal Empire episodes are 100% confirmed canon in this universe.
.
As for Spike...well, you'll see
I can't help but feel that celestia is kind of a dick in this chapter. I mean, part of her training or not, that's still a shitty way to treat twilight. Twi has been putting herself in harms way all this time, experiencing physical and mental scars and so she decides to heap on some emotionally are too? You allivated it somewhat at the end, but it still comes off to me as celestia just using twi like a tool.
2236721
Because Friendship is Magic and I don't think that the name of the sixth, uniting Element has ever actually be confirmed on screen. It seems odd that the other five should be virtues or personal qualities and the sixth a special ability. 'Friendship' fits better into the sequence than 'Magic'.
Erito Senshi, TWILIGHT TOKUSENTAI!
Tokusentai!
Tokusentai!
TOKUSENTAI!
This entire chapter i kept imagining this
images.wikia.com/dragonball/images/7/76/Goku_Vs_Vegeta_by_gvbn10.jpg
This is epic please continue
2236727
Here is the best answer to that problem: Magic.