What We Haven't Had

by GhostWriter17

Chapter 1: Of Misunderstanding and Friendship

What We Haven’t Had

Chapter 1: Of Misunderstanding and Friendship

A My Little Pony Fanfiction

By: GhostWriter17

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"Damn it..." Samael Sundance looked himself in the mirror. White mane. Dull purple streak through the middle. Seaweed-green coat. Large, blue-rimmed glasses. Pale blue eyes. Blank flank. Everything was just wrong about him! "Nothing is right. Why do I bother with myself?" Samael left the restroom he was in, once again frustrated with himself. Every night was like this: Samael would be alone, locked away in his home. It was the same routine, one Samael repeated so often he could do it sleeping. He would come home from the job he didn't have, and lock the door. Then he'd clean himself up, then walk downstairs to his cellar. There, he'd find his secret stash of liquor, custom-made. It wasn't very strong, and Samael wasn't an alcoholic. He'd just take a few shots and crawl up to his room, wishing things were different. In his room, alcohol in hoof, he'd sit and read classic romance novels. At least he didn't spend the whole night drinking, right? Just a few hours, alone, indulging himself in plights that weren't his own, that's what Samael did.

Samael was a hopeless romantic, but was too shy and awkward to reveal himself as such. He never showed this romantic side to anypony, not even his closest friend, Roseluck. He was far too insecure to delve into matters of the heart, for Samael had deemed himself unworthy of a blessing such as love.

A story of love gone wrong was in Samael's hooves on this night. He was feeling particularly morose about himself at this time, and wished to read a story that reflected those feelings. This particular story was one of Samael's favourites: It told of a young couple who, against all odds, find love with each other. They battle ferocious demons, clash with their family members, and eventually run away to live a happy life elsewhere. That's when the couple commit suicide. Why? It's never explained. It's actually shocking, bizarre, and it comes out of nowhere. But Samael loves it. Contrived and confusing though its ending may be, Samael finds some sort of peace reading the story of two lovers who kill themselves for no reason. It's a bit beautiful, in a way, how split-second decisions can change, impact, or even end a life.

So here Samael is, sipping his favourite liquor and solemnly reading, when he comes to a realization. A split-second decision that is sure to change his life. Will it be for the better, or will the winds of fate harm Samael?

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Life can be cruel sometimes...

Of course, when is life not cruel?

Look at my existence, how poor it is...

I work odd jobs for ponies, barely getting by...

Rose... She knows me better than anypony.

She's my friend....

Why, then, do I feel so alone?

Why, when I'm in the world, outside, I'm okay?

Why do I feel happy then?

And why am I never happy at night?

Alone.....

Rarity....... Why have I fallen in love with you, of all ponies?

Why must my heart yearn for yours?

Is it love I need?

Is it... What I haven't had? What I'm missing?

My birthday.... Tomorrow...... Twenty five years........... I must.....

I must turn my life around.

Tomorrow.

Just a few more hours.......

It'll all be better......

No more awkwardness........ No more name calling........

No more shyness......

No more feeling sorry for myself at night......

Tomorrow.

I'll be somepony else..........

To those who do not know me, I'll be more outgoing......

I must......

For Roseluck.......

For my family........

For Rarity.......

No matter what......

Tomorrow.

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Samael awoke to a beautiful day. It was perfect, how the sun was shining above him, how his house glowed in the rays of Celestia’s grand.... well.... sun. When Samael looked himself in the mirror, even his mane didn’t seem too horrid today! Why, if everything went as planned, today would be the greatest, most wonderful, most stupendous day of his life! For today was the day that he, meek old Samael, would be brave enough to confess his affection to the beautiful Rarity at Carousel Boutique! Yes, he could not hide his feelings for the unicorn any longer! He had to do it, lest he would be driven mad with love. He didn’t want to wait any longer! Ever since they were young, Samael always had an eye for the mare with the purple mane. But today, the day of love’s confession, wasn’t just any ordinary day for Samael. No, it was something more: His twenty-fifth birthday!

For years Samael had told himself to be more assertive, more outgoing, more passionate about his feelings toward others, a lesson his parents had always tried to teach him, to no avail; unfortunately, Samael’s fear would always get the better of him. But today was a new day, the start of a new life, and maybe, just maybe, that new life would begin anew with the mare of his dreams!

Oh, how glorious it would be that he, Samael Sundance, son of Rain Shimmer and Ella Sundance, the blank flank of Ponyville, the loveless sap, the nerd with no spine, would find love today! With a positive outlook, Samael stepped out of his small home and out into the streets of the countryside town.

Out in the morning sun, the streets were busy with the usual hustle and bustle of a bright summer day. Samael breathed in the fresh air with a heavy sigh. Smiling, he turned left, away from the Boutique. Even though it was his birthday, Samael didn’t expect to receive much from anypony other than family via mail. Regardless, Samael felt like giving more than anything today. He wanted to get Rarity something to truly show his affection, but he was unsure of what to get her. Just then he recognized the pale yellow coat of his friend Roseluck. Of course! What better way to show affection than to give a girl flowers!

“Rose!” He called out to his friend, whose raspberry-colored mane shimmered in the light of the day. “Rose I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. What are you doin’?”

Rose smiled as he came closer, looking ever so slightly nervous. “Hey Sammy Sun! Happy birthday! I’m off to work at Lily and Daisy’s house. Sorry I didn't get you anything, I’d been, uh, sick the past two weeks with food poisoning. Why do you ask?”

Samael shuffled a bit, but didn’t break eye contact with the chartreuse eyes that inquisitively stared back at him. “Well, I wanted to buy a bouquet of flowers from you girls. I-I wanted to give them to-”

Roseluck’s grin suddenly enlarged to face-encapsulating proportions, eyes beaming with excitement. “Holy Celestia, Sammy! You finally have a special somepony! Oh my GOSH that’s FANTASTIC!” She embraced Samael in a giddy hug, wrapping her hooves around his neck, nearly toppling her friend over. “I’m so happy for you. I always hoped that one day you’d find somepony who loves you.” She broke her embrace, realizing Samael was becoming uncomfortable, and was also blushing.

“Who is it? What’s her name?” She asked politely, excitement still in her voice. Samael tried to answer, but didn’t get the chance. “Oh, unless it’s a he. If so, what’s his name?” Samael, bewildered and getting embarrassed, tried to speak again.

“Now don’t worry, Sammy. I’m not going to judge you, not like those nasty guys from school all those years ago. You know I’m always here for you if you need anything. Oh, please please please please please tell me his name! Or if it really is a she, then just forget I even said anything and tell me her name!” Samael was getting irritated at this point. “Oh, don’t look at me like that Sammy! If you do not want me to tell anypony then I won’t. I promise.”

The green pony breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Rose, but I can’t tell you who she is, not yet. You see, I haven’t actually confessed my feelings for her just yet. But I’m going to tell her today and hope for the best.”

Rose smiled wider. “Well you came to just the right pony, my man! Come on, we cannot waste any more time talking! Your true love awaits us!”

Rose trotted through Ponyville with Samael. Numerous passers by gave Samael nods of approval. Most said ‘Hello’ and moved on with their day. Many, however, mumbled something to him that he couldn’t quite catch. They all seemed to be saying the same thing, based on the movements of their lips, but the colt was unsure of what they were saying to him. There was a lot of noise on the street, and all the hustle and bustle started to confuse Samael as to whom he was speaking to, who was speaking to him, and generally what was going on.

Thankfully, the two ponies quickly came to Lily and Daisy’s house, which doubled as a garden and flower shop. Rose quickly pushed into the shop, and Samael followed behind. He closed the door behind them, and looked around at the shop. The floor was wooden, the walls had brightly colored flowers on it, and the ceiling was....well....a ceiling. Samael never had an eye for fashion, color matching (which is unfortunate since he himself was a badly colored mess), or interior design; therefore, everything seemed bland and not very eye-catching. The only eye-catching thing in the shop was, of course, the cascades of flowers surrounding the pony. There were flowers everywhere. There were flowers in every corner, on the tables, on the shelves, and in boxes. The sheer amount of flowers was utterly suffocating.

Rose turned back to Samael. “Sorry it’s so crowded, Sammy. We’ve had a lot of orders over the past month and we’re pretty swarmed for storage space.” Suddenly Samael started to feel bad for giving these already busy ponies more work, and wanted to turn tail and leave. Rose seemed to sense his concern. “Don’t worry, most of the flowers have been organized and boxed already.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a burden to you, Rose.” Samael said.

“No, it’s not a problem at all.” Rose smiled. “Look around you. If you pay more attention, it is really not so cluttered.” Samael complied, and indeed, the shop didn’t seem so cluttered. Now, with greater awareness of his surroundings, he saw that everything was quite organized. The boxes were placed so ponies could still maneuver around the shop, and the flowers scattered around the room were organized by species, type, and the name of the customer. He looked back to Rose, who led Samael through the entrance room, into a hallway, and through a door into the actual shop. But before they went through the door, Samael had to ask a question.

“Why were all those flowers in the entrance and not back in the shop?”

“Well, the first room is usually one we use for late-night lounging.” Samael scrunched his eyebrows. “You know, a lounge room. When the girls and I wanna hang out before we go to bed? When we want to read a few books, swap tales, drink tea, and sometimes...” She looked down, studying the ground solemnly. “Other recreational activities.”

“What do you mean?”

“I... uhm, well...” Rose closed her eyes and swallowed nervously.

Samael trotted up next to her and put a hoof on her shoulder. “Hey, Rose. It’s alright. I don’t know what you meant about ‘recreational activities’, but you can tell me anything.” He put another hoof to her chin and lifted her head up. Tears started to well in her big green eyes. “Honest. C’mon, you suspected me of being a coltcuddler. You told me you’d keep my secret if I told you, and I’ll do the same with your secret, whatever it may be.”

Rose’s tears welled up and streamed down her face, soaking her pale yellow fur. “Well, Daisy and Lily are, uhm, more than friends. They don’t live together just because they have a passion for flora, or because they’ve been friends since Kindergarten.” Samael knew where this was going, but he let his friend continue. “They do this because.... because...because they’re fillyfoolers.”

Rose turned away again. “Okay.” Samael grinned.

“Okay?” Rose questioned. “How is that okay?”

Samael giggled. “I didn’t say ‘okay’ because it’s okay to be a fillyfooler. I said it to acknowledge the fact that they love each other and to tell you that I’m listening. Besides, it is none of my business of who or what another pony likes. It doesn’t bother me that they’re a couple or anything. What does bother me, however, is why you’re so upset about something like that.”

Rose choked, her quiet crying turning into a loud and near uncontrollable sobbing. “It’s not them... Well, it is but I-I-I.....” She heaved in a large gasp of air before continuing. “I can’t talk about it!”

“Of course you can, Rose. You can talk to me about it, whatever it is. I’m guessing by ‘recreational activities’ you meant that that had something to do with Daisy and Lily.” His friend nodded. “I’m also guessing it had to do with something of a rather sexual nature?”

Rose lifted up her head again, and calmed down a bit. She wiped the tears from her face, taking a few shaky breaths all the while. “Y-yes. I had always known that Daisy and Lily were rather fond of each other, but I wasn’t ever sure about just how fond they were until two weeks ago. They were my best friends from school, other than you, of course. They’d always talked about having their own establishment here in Ponyville together. I always thought of it as a childhood fantasy for us. The kind of fantasy where every day you’d spend time with your childhood friends doing something you all loved. It was a perfect fantasy: Each day we would see each other, and none of us would have to leave our hometown; because of this, there would be no tearful good-byes to be had.”

Rose chuckled to herself. “When we all got our cutie marks, and all of them had something to do with flora, we were ecstatic!”

“I remember that day.” Samael said to her, smiling.

Rose beamed at him, then continued. “It was a miracle that we all had the same passion, and the mark to prove it, as well! Right after we graduated from school, we all left for Canterlot to study nature and the care-taking of plants."

"When we graduated a few years later, we bought our own shop back here in Ponyville." Rose continued. "We set up shop and the rest is history. Anyway, Lily and Daisy built this place so all three of us could live together, but my parents don't allow me to stay over all the time. Something about 'keeping in touch' with them. I think they suspected Lily and Rose of being fillyfoolers, and were afraid we were getting too close, if you know what I mean."

Samael nodded. "Yeah, I know. Please continue."

"Okay. Well over the past four years I've owned this establishment with L and D, and it's been the best years of my life! I always felt that Lily and Daisy were more than friends, and I never asked them about it, out of respect. You know how homosexuality is a touchy subject." The yellow mare paused, then resumed her story.

"I mean, the evidence of the two being a couple is kinda obvious, don'tcha think?"

"Not really." Samael said. "They never seemed very different from any other group of mare friends around here. Look at those Elements of Harmony, they always hang out like Lily and Daisy but I don't think they're fillyfoolers."

Rose pondered for a moment. "I guess you are right, but nonetheless they have always been close."

"That's true." Samael agreed. "But please, continue with your story."

"Alright. Well one night the three of us decided to sit down and relax after work, like we usually do. Now I don't drink a lot, but on that particular night Daisy decided to slip some tequila into everypony's tea." The mare shuddered a little, her soft lips dry from worry. She apprehensively licked them.

"We drank our tea, read some magazines, gossiped, and had a good time. Buck me!" She swore. "I knew that tea tasted off! Dammit Sam, I could smell the alcohol in it, but I paid no mind to it! I had, I dunno, four or five cups of the stuff! My friends had a little less than I. Buck this!" She bucked the wall with her left forehoof, but not so hard to damage the wall. Rose's eyes watered once more, and she collapsed to the ground.

Samael knelt down in front of his friend. "Rose. Please, keep it together. What happened?"

Rose lifted her head to look at Samael, malice burning in her eyes. "You wanna know what happened? I got bucked by other fillies, that's what happened! I was drunk, the two started flirting, then they flirted with me me! Next thing I know I'm making out with Daisy while Lilly starts rubbing me in places I've never let anypony rub me before! We were a sloppy, heated mass of hormones and lust, and you know what? You know what, Samael Sundance!?" She was practically screaming at this point.

The pale yellow pony breathed hard, sweat dripping off her brow. She had referred to Samael by his full name, something she hardly ever did.

Rose, heaving with anger and frustration, whispered in Samael's ear. "I loved every bucking minute of it." Her hot breath pushed against his fur with her every breath. Just as suddenly as she came, Rose pulled back and once again stared at Samael. Her voice was still in a whisper. "I woke the next morning and couldn't believe what I had done. I fell asleep with Lilly cuddling my body and Daisy's face right in front of mine. I was so ashamed I didn't come back here since then. I told everypony I was just sick, not that that was far from the truth."

"So you were so upset you spent weeks at home wallowing in your own sorrow?" Samael asked.

Rose was taken aback. "No, not like that! I just felt uncomfortable, confused. How in Tartarus would you feel if you had sex with your stallion friends one night?"

Samael thought for a moment. "I'm not sure, Rose. I don’t really have any close stallion friends, but if I did, would it help if I asked them to come over to my place, get drunk off our asses and do it?” He chuckled half to himself, trying to lighten the mood. Rose wasn’t amused. “Were you just confused about your sexuality?" He continued, more seriously this time.

Rose rolled her wet, tear-stained eyes. "Of course I was! Who wouldn't be? Maybe...Maybe I just enjoyed it because I've been so alone." Samael knew where this was going. Rose never really dated anypony before. Maybe some dinner with a coltfriend here, a quick kiss from the occasional stallion there, but nothing ever serious. "Maybe I just had a sexual urge that needed fulfilling. I’ve looked back on my life over the past few weeks. I never fell in love; and I never bothered to clop because I felt my body needed more than my own hooves for pleasure. I think, in a way, L and D knew that. They must have known I needed some healing."

"I've read of a thing friends do with each other, mares and colts alike." She continued, her voice calm once more. "It's called sexual healing, where one close friend helps another find out who they are by way of casual sexual activity. But then again, what if it was just a crazy night filled with sloppy sex?"

Samael laughed. "Then that's all it was. It may have also been a joke that turned into a night of rolling in the hay, so to speak."

Rose was about to respond when another female voice interjected. "Maybe you're both right." Samael and his friend turned to the doorway that led to the shop. The door was open, and two mares stood inside. Daisy and Lily. Daisy, the pale magenta pony with lime green eyes and mane, trotted happily toward the two rather stunned ponies.

"We didn't do it just for fun, Rosie. We also didn't do it because you needed 'sexual healing'." She said as Lily, the pale raspberry-coated pony, laughed.

"Whee-hee! Who ever came up with such a weird term like that!" Lily chuckled. "We just spiked your tea because we figured you needed to take a load off! You are always so anxious anymore! Besides, you deserved that break you gave yourself!"

"Wait, so neither of you are mad I left?" Rose asked. Her friends shook their heads. "I guess I did need some time off. I don't know how you two keep going everyday without keeling over."

Lily laughed again, and put her arm around Daisy's shoulder, nuzzling her partner. "It's cause we got love, Rosie! Other than seeing us each day, you don't have much else to live for. There's a difference between loving somepony you work with and loving what you work."

"I'm still confused." Rose sighed.

"What about, honey?" Daisy questioned.

"Everything! I think I've read over twenty books on sex, homosexuality, and everything in between since I have been gone! I do not know what to believe in! Do I call myself a fillyfooler? Do I still like colts? Am I not socially active enough to find out? I-"

"Hey hey, slow down, girl." Lily coined. "We don't think you are at all a fillyfooler. I'll admit though, you'd make a damn fine one! I wish you were as sober as we were that night we bucked, cause you, my dear, have got one heck of a tongue! Dear Celestia, the way you licked my-"

"I think she gets it, Lil." Daisy stopped her lover from going any farther. "The point is, we couldn't just tell you to take time off, you are too stubborn to just do that. So we spiked your drink to soften you up. Our plan was to get you drunk and then have you sleep it off for a couple days. But then I accidentally drank too much and started to mess around with Lily here. Then, well, you know the rest."

Samael spoke. "So you were being ignorant and a bit stupid about what you were intending to do? It seems to me your plan wasn't well thought out. Secondly, you emotionally scarred poor Rose!" Samael was getting angry. How could Rose's best friends do such a thing?

"No, you don't understand." Daisy said. "Even though we bucked our admittedly dumb and foolish plan up (‘That’s not all we bucked up!’ Lily exclaimed), this experience has actually helped Rose."

"Yeah! She lost her virginity!" Lily giggled.

"Shut up, Lil! Think about it: She's read book after book on things like fillyfoolers and sex, right?" Samael and Rose nodded. "She also said she's never talked to Lily and I about being fillyfoolers, which we can confirm ourselves. Because of her experience, she now knows, in a way, what life is like for us. She now also will be able to feel comfortable talking to us about our more private lives better. Without that fateful night, Rose may not have had a sexual experience for Celestia knows how long! She knows now what it feels like to be loved intimately. That is why you are so sexually confused, Rose. Your first intimate encounter just happened to be one with your best friends! You are not a fillyfooler, Rosie. You just don't know if you're in love with fillies, or are more in love now with your two closest friends. You know in your heart that you love us, but not in a sexual way. You love us emotionally. That is why you suddenly got the urge to know all there is to know about ponies like us. You care for us, therefore you wanted to understand us. Now you do. So, in a way, you are now closer to us than ever."

Rose was stunned. She had just had an epiphany. Daisy was right, in all she said. "I-I'm just-"

Lily reached and put her hoof to Rose's lips. "Shh." She cooed. "Don't talk. We can talk about all this later. Tell ya what, we'll get birthday boy here what he wants for his special somepony, then you, Daisy, and me will talk about what we've been through while waiting for lover-boy to come back with the good news. Besides, we need a day off, as well, and those flowers up front don’t need immediate attention! A little procrastination never hurt anypony, right? Samael will be our only customer for the day. Sound like a plan?"

Rose smiled, but still seemed nervous. "Okay, but please, you girls know me. I'm easy to forgive, but I don't forget as easily. It may take time for me to feel....Comfortable around you girls." That was when Samael noticed that Rose was visibly shaking. He gave her shoulder a consoling nuzzle. She awkwardly returned it.

"Thank you." She whispered to him.

Lily looked to Samael, eyes beaming. "Well, Sam, we need to get you some extra-special flowers for your birthday! And Rose? Don't worry about it. It's understandable that you would be traumatized by something like this. We..." She glanced toward her partner, and they both drooped their ears. "We're, once again, sorry for the pain we've caused you."

Samael stared at Rose, awaiting a response. Her eyes lost some of their shimmer, and blankly stared ahead. "It's alright." She said flatly. "Like you said, we'll talk later. After Sam leaves, it'll all be sorted out, right?" She pushed past Lily and Daisy, then looked back at Samael, looking him straight in the eye. Her expression was still fairly unreadable. "Samael will find love, I'll come back to work with a closer bond with my best friends, and everything will be just peachy." She smiled, but something felt off about her smile. "Once this is sorted out, life will go back to normal. Back to the way it was. Right, Samael?"

Samael slowly nodded. Something's not right. But I can't talk to her now. I'll have to remember to come back after visiting Rarity to see how everything went. I just hope their little 'talk' goes well. One thing at a time, Sam. One thing at a time.

Samael looked at the three mares in front of him. "So," he said gingerly. "how about checking out those flowers?"

Comments

[RedRecorder94]

[-Brutus]

Huh, this is good- pretty well written. I don't get where all those downvotes came from, probably from trolls or something. I'm glad that I gave this chance, reading on!

[Doctor Song MD]

I am liking this. But I don't have time to read at the moment, so I will put on read later list and save for study halls.