Deleted Scene: Twilight
Twilight Sparkle lay in her bed. She was very old, and very tired, and very close to death. The stars shone in her window, a final gift from Luna.
All her friends had passed on long ago; the magic within her had kept her spark burning, but no longer. She let a rattling sigh escape her and closed her eyes.
Celestia entered the room, and quietly shut the door behind her. Her hooves made no sound on the lushly-carpeted floor as she approached, but Twilight’s head still turned towards her.
“Hello, Princess,” came a soft voice.
“I do wish you would call me Celestia,” admonished the princess.
“Old habit,” her student murmured.
Celestia sat next to the bed, keeping vigil. Hours passed.
“Princess?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“What happens?”
Celestia turned and looked down at her. “When?”
“When I’m gone.”
Celestia leaned over and kissed her student on the forehead. “The world will turn, the sun will burn, and I will be here.”
“Oh,” whispered Twilight. “Good.” And then she was still.
There was movement in the corner of the room. Celestia kept her face pressed to Twilight’s for a moment longer, before pulling away.
“Twilight... I’d like you to meet an old friend of mine.”
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Even more amazing...
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2348-sweetiemanlytearsplz.png
Fits perfectly!
Someone please explain the last three lines! I'm sorry for being dumb!
2075719
Twilight dies, and Death shows up to take her away.
2078628 Waaaayyyy sorry about that. I somehow mistook this story for this one. This chapter would have made no sense there.
2119012
Thank you very much; I'm fairly proud of it.
Wow that was good. I expected something very deep and philosophical (i.e. cryptic), and I was pleasantly surprised by its simplicity and matter-of-factness.
2164186
Thank you!
with the last line i shead a single tear, beautiful work
2251977
Thank you very much.
A very sad and intriguing fic, but somehow a little comforting in a way.
I don't know why I keep reading sad stories, but this was a good story. Thank you.
I felt no feels coming on when I read the first chapter, but by the end of chapter two, the dams broke so to speak. They broke a lot!
Expertly carried out, oh awesome writer!
Very powerful final scene. I loved it.
I wonder, is Twilight meant to be an Alicorn here? Considering when you initially posted this, perhaps not, but the line that said that all Twilight's friends had passed on "long ago" suggested to me that she may be an alicorn, which makes her long-lived, but not immortal. That status being reserved for Celestia and Luna whose role it is to move celestial bodies. Just a bit of musing about your head-canon regarding the immortal status of alicorns...
Anyway, superb fic. I tend to like them short and effective like this. :)
Have you ever read The Book Thief? Because it features a similar premise as this story. You pulled it off well.
Short story, but incredible! I loved every part of it, especially the end where Celestia says,
This is very good stuff, and I agree with the decision to move the Twilight scene into a separate chapter. The two go together very nicely, but they're a little stylistically different and the separation makes the scene work better, I think.
I hate using this language, but the story started out a bit telly for my taste, and also a bit confusing. That cover image looks decidedly like Twilight, so I was expecting Twilight to be the unnamed "she" of the first chapter. But the mother dying doesn't jibe with canon, and Twilight or not, the description of the mother as wizened seemed inconsistent with a daughter who had only just received her cutie mark. I'm not saying this as a criticism of the whole "don't reveal your perspective character" strategy. I like that strategy and I've tried using it before myself (only to have people tell me, "screw the mystery, tell 'em in the story description"). But I found myself not connecting with the story for a little bit because I was confused about your take on Twilight, about whom the cover image had convinced me I'd be reading.
As for the telly, I got over it before long and I'm hesitant to suggest it was actually a fault in the story. Getting back into fanfiction has hypersensitized me to issues like this, but when it's executed to good effect I'm always a fan of the misty, translucent prose you're using here. It's wonderfully atmospheric, and it aids a narrative that's structured as brief interludes over a lifetime.
There's a bit in here I particularly want to highlight, though.
For my money, this is some fine writing. Succinct descriptions on multiple senses. That "tightness in the air" bit is telling done right, and I love it. And there's a lot of character information flying around in this little snippet, about both of our leads. I think this bit is probably why I was completely unsurprised by the Death cutie mark reveal, too. It's right there for you, if you're watching.
I don't know that I have a whole lot more to say about this story. It's small and subtle, as it should be. I'm going to be very happy to add this to my favorites.
2279990
Thank you!
2280004
Maybe because they keep being good? Sometimes a sadfic is just right.
2280018
Well I'm glad I decided to upload it, then!
2280167
I actually wrote this within a week of the fandom discovering that Twilight would ascend, so I left it ambiguous. She may be, she may not be; like Death's form, it's unimportant. And my headcanon about alicorns is showing a bit, in the discussions between Celestia and Death - she knows that Death will come for her at some point, and they both seem to think it'll be right after "the sun burns itself out", so...
I think Alicorn!Twilight will be very long-lived, but I do also subscribe to the headcanon that Unicorn!Twilight would have outlived her friends due to being a very powerful mage.
2280328
I have not but now I've looked it up and it sounds amazing; added it to my Amazon wishlist already, thank you!
2280377
Thank you!
2280661
The whole thing's super-telly, really; but I guess at the same time it leaves out a lot of details, letting the reader fill them in. (Remind you of anypony?)
In your defense, the cover art is of Twilight, but the image felt right (especially after writing the winter scene) and I justified it to myself by rationalizing that a silhouette of a younger Celestia with folded wings sitting "by herself" under a tree would look much like any ol' unicorn.
Yes, that's it. Thank you. That's it exactly.
...woah.
And I thought the first chapter alone was powerful...and it was, no lie.
This though, the final moment between teacher and student. Moreover, having Celestia say those words of encouragement to Twi, and then introducing her to Celestia's oldest friend...dude, you've won the internet with this one.
If there was a dry eye reading this, there were outside circumstances, because this was just perfect.
Well done, and I wish you well in your future works.
Well done. I love the tone and feeling of the main story. The pacing is spot on for the mood. However, the reveal of the character came as no surprise since the first mention of "servants" narrowed that down quite quickly halfway through. I think maybe because of that, the addendum kinda jars with the main story, at least for me. However, I still love the concept of the immortal princess being best friends with death, and you executed that awesomely.
This is an amazing story you have written. It conveys so much in a short span.
This story explains so much!
I've always wondered how Celestia kept from going insane being immortal and stuff. Seeing everyone pass away and stuff must be hard to overcome. This story blew that fog away. If Celestia knew death, and was friends with him, she wouldn't be afraid. She won't be very lonely either.
Great little story. You do a very good job of saying just what needs to be said, without dragging the story out or rushing to the finish. Liked and favorited!
I'm not sure why, but I assumed it was that pony before I even started reading it...>_> [someone wrote it in their comment...]
Anyway, it was an interesting read and I liked it.
I'ma roll around in this box now (._.)___(| :)___(.-.)___(: |)___(._.)___(| :)___(.-.)___(: |)___(._.)___(| :)___(.-.)___(: |)___(._.) and now I'm dizzy 6_9
Beautiful.
2293012
Oh, I wish, I wish. "The Writing" would be easy. Maybe you'll inspire me to get around to rewriting it for that purpose.
Bradel, back again for "Serious Stories"
As I said before, I love this story something fierce. It deserves all the attention it can get, in my opinion. But I'm going to have to recommend that it not be included on "Serious Stories" because I just don't feel like it asks questions that really challenge the reader. I like the message of approaching death as a friend and not a thing to fear, but to me that's a very uncontroversial idea, if one we don't see expressed often enough.
I'm new to making these decisions for the group, though, and I've explicitly asked if anyone can come up with a good counter to my reasoning. I don't like the idea of excluding this story, I just don't feel like it's a great fit myself.
2299173
Hey, I saw your thread in the group. I wasn't sure myself when I added it if it was what the group was looking for, as it were, and figured someone would come along and remove it if I was on the wrong side. No hard feelings if it isn't quite right.
2060464>>2299259>>2299173>>2293081 All 4 of you are group contributors, so plus me that's 5 of us who've read the story. We ought to be able to come to a decision... right?
I think Bradel's reasoning is sound, but it feels wrong to call a group "Serious Stories" and not put this into it. Maybe the group name could be improved. Or maybe I could add a folder, "Meditations", for stories like this.
Thoughts?
2299290
Summary: your criteria was that a Serious Story should ask a difficult question. A Meditation, like this one, has a different method of approaching a serious topic. Though not in the form of a question, it is no less artistically valid.
Suggestion: create Meditations folder, but make it more difficult to get into. EqD prereaders are more critical of Human stories, so only the best of the best get through. The same regime could be applied to Meditations.
2299259, 2299290, 2299378
I'm cool with Bad Horse's suggestion (and, concomitantly, Horse Voice's). Though I do think this is a good test case for evaluating what the group should be about. Clearly we're shooting for something more than just "really good stories", so where do we draw the line when we have a really good story and it doesn't seem to quite fit the inclusion criteria?
Old Friends definitely addresses serious themes, even if it doesn't say anything terribly controversial or challenging (in my mind). But I'm kind of afraid that most stories that deal seriously with mortality are going to be the same. I included "The Dragon and the Photograph", but the margin between this and that on "seriousness" as previously operationalized is not huge. Maybe the issue here is that mortality is challenging to confront, even if we all come to relatively similar conclusions when we engage in that confrontation.
So we could include a catch-all "meditations", although we already have an "other". Or we could decide some topics like mortality may need a different type of guidance, and include it in one of the pre-existing categories. Or we could reject the story and say the group is about looking at other things. Those seem to be the three clearest options, to my mind. It seems we're in agreement that we don't want to be excluding this kind of story, and as the one who initially made the call, I'm cool with that. Whatever other people want to do, though, my preference is for less complexity – so I'd probably either toss it in "other" or think about whether certain topics are just going to have to be treated a little differently. I'm cool with creating a "meditations" folder, but given that there are already a lot of empty folders, I think we should be very clear on defining a precise purpose for any new bins we want to create.
2299290
2299378
I kinda felt like it's not my place to adjucate on the matter, since it's my story and I may not be completely impartial. I'd like it to be included, but I have to agree with Horse Voice's analysis. I like his idea, though.
Wow. Is all I can say, just wow. My mind is blown by its simplicity and its complexity.
Well done. Very, well done indeed.
A wonderful addition to an already wonderful story. You are a craftsman, and I love your work.
2429071
Stop it, I'm blushing.
2429829
Jennifer Hale as the harbinger of death is oddly comforting ... and slightly less unnerving than, say, Sovereign.
RUDIMENTARY CREATURE OF BLOOD AND FLESH, YOUR TIME IN THIS WORLD HAS ENDED.
Mmm.
This one too.
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Old Friends
Author: RBDash47
Reviewed by: Errant
"Old Friends" is proof that a mere 2,000 words can hold a world of meaning and complexity. The prose and narrative are simple yet eloquent and manage to be poignant, hopeful and sad at different points. Though the topic of the story is somewhat sad, it is approached in a fashion that avoids wallowing in angst or melodrama. The result is a crystal-clear narrative that flows through the reader like water, leaving a slightly bitter aftertaste that only accentuates the main theme.
Full Review
Score: 9.5/10
Summery of story: Nothing interesting happened.
It's not bad enough that your profile can't stay off my feed; now you get a ton more views then me JUST because you have influence on this sight.
Now for the real criticism:
Where is the character development? Where is the plot? Where is the antagonist? Where is the main character (the reason the story is happening)? Where's the juicy moral controversy? Where is the conflict of ideas? And where is the unstettling end that leaves the reader wanting more OR end that satisfies the reader?
Now do me a favor and only put important things on my feed. If I want what you think is interesting, then I'll subscribe to your user page. DON'T put your leg up on my profile just because knightly finds favor with you.
Thanks. I'd appreciate the fairness.
P.S. Yes, I know I'm trolling your story. It's only so your next one gets better, and hopefully, my feed less cluttered. And I'm still jealous that you get attention for helping knightly out when I need attention to make money.
Reason for said need of attention? Long, TRUE story that I refuse to tell.
2991865
Well.
1. Feel free to ignore my stories; no one's making you read them. (And if you look at the stats, 1700+ of my 1900+ views came from external site referrals. That leaves about 200 views picked up through FIMFic... your stories average 268 views without referrals -- one of them is at nearly 500 views. Your stories actually got more traffic through FIMFic than mine did. Where is your god now?)
2. Feel free to ignore my site posts; no one's making you read them, either. If you don't like them, take it up with knighty. He personally invited me to post Vault interviews here; I post once (occasionally twice) per week, hardly "cluttering" your feed; and I'm not going to stop doing something that hundreds or possibly even thousands of people enjoy just because one or two people don't like it.
2994443
Nah! I'm just messing with you!
I am still jealous of the "free" attention you get whilst I'm here having to scavenge for views and tastefully get people over to quirky.com so they can look up themusicman's Finger Lite idea, ideas by Desmond Brown, and by John-Luke Brown. (See? Tasteful advertising.
)
Besides, this is how friendships start: I leave an annoyed comment, you get annoyed, I tell you "It's cool. Help me and my family earn some extra money," and maybe I'll read an interview by you!
Plus, if you have any good ideas, I would LOVE to vote for them and see YOU making some extra cash as well. Let's all get rich together!
(Plus, intelligence on Quirky is at an all-time-low. We could use imaginative people like you guys!
)
2994615
You must have had some odd friendships. I have met many friends in many ways over the years, and have never had a friendship start with the other person attacking me in public.
And I have to say, I'm not here for weird money-making schemes, I'm here for pony fanfic, so there's really no level of advertising that's tasteful IMHO.
3047155
Thank you; I'm glad.
3052050
I have to disagree.
Companies (which are filled with people that need to earn money to eat food) need a way to announce to the public that they exist or still exist. That way the public can decide whether or not to do business with the company.
"Tasteful" advertising, in my honest opinion, is passive or non-aggressive and does not cause the audience a major detraction from their lives. "Un-tasteful" advertising seeks to interrupt the normal flow of life, causing the audience to become aggravated.
Now every time your user profile pops up on everyone's feed, you are indeed advertising. Sure, we can all chose to ignore it, but it's still there whether we want it there or not.
(P.S. We can continue this conversation on your or my user wall. I wouldn't want to fill the comment section with us discussing the ins and outs of advertising.)
3456743
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
Very good story.
Hey, you are a good write and should write more! Or at least finish your other story so I can read it. :B I really liked this one.
3484138
I have so much to write. =[ PONY Legacy, maybe a sequel to this, a Quantum Leap crossover, a Rocketeer crossover, scattered other half-written ramblings that might be worthwhile... I'm really bad at actually writing...
...Oh, uh, anyway, thank you! This is probably my favorite thing I've ever written anywhere.
3484499
The comics beat you to the QL crossover... :V
3485579
I think I saw a picture of that somewhere! Love it.
I like the use of brevity, but this last bit with best pony felt tacked-on and superfluous at best. It leaves me with a far less powerful sensation and impression than the ending of the "main" story, which is a shame, because I feel the story's damned strong.
I just don't like this extra part.