• Published 4th Feb 2013
  • 10,645 Views, 1,789 Comments

Broken Blossom - BronyWriter



Sweetie Belle's daughter must decide if she is to admit her guilt in the events of The Public Life of Sweetie Belle

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New Stories!

The alternate ending to Broken Blossom, The Word is Fear

And the one-shot 'here's how Rarity affected the world' story, Ripples

Comments ( 168 )

These stories are freaking great! GO READ DEM NAOW!

2530864 Nope. I'm glad you liked it so much! I hope you continue enjoying what I have planned for you.

2532451
Why, no problem kind sir. :trollestia:

I honestly don't know if I have it in me to read the alternate. I was perfectly content with the trilogy. Hmm... maybe someday, but not today.

But still. Woah, this has been an emotionally fun and exhausting ride. We hit the highs, we hit the lows, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Character corruption is one of those areas that I try to make authors explode with my mind for even contemplating, but the progression was executed with grace and care. My complete review will be posted later, but damn, this was an excellent read.

2551004 1. What exactly can Celestia do to Luna, send her to the moon again? There is nothing to indicate that Celestia didn't berate Luna, but we're following this primarily from Blossoms' perspective.
2 Luna didn't do that. She only observed the dreams. She didn't go in to mentally torture Blossom.
3. I already stated that dreams were inadmissible in court.
4. Yeah, Equestria's death penalty was messed up. That's the whole point of Celestia and Luna changing it in the middle, to not make it so black and white in gray cases. The death penalty was more frequent in darker times when it was a deterrent. Rarity was the first pony executed in hundreds of years, they had to go by the law. They bent over backwards to get SB out of it, then changed it to make it not so black and white.
5. With the rest of it, Celestia said it best in the original: the case was so open and shut they didn't need to go to official court. They found the bodies in Rarity's basement and Rarity confessed to the crime, not to mention admissions from Twilight and Luna. A long, drawn out, and very public trial (keep in mind that she was an EoH) would have been pointless because they would have just come to the same conclusion anyway. Besides, Celestia also mentioned that her interrogation of Rarity was technically her trial. Who's to say that the goddess who raises the sun (and holds courts herself) wouldn't have the power to hold private trials as she found necessary? That's all especially considering the show portrays no government outside of Celestia and Luna. If Celestia says 'this investigation is your trial' then it is. A quiet trial for a case like that would be better than a public one.

Why is it that fanfics always give Equestria one of most screwy and incomprehensible justice systems I've ever seen?

Because most writers aren't intricately familiar with how courts and a government works outside of TV, and Equestria's legal system s even more vague. We basically have to start from scratch. All that to say, I think I've defended most of my points (with all respect to you, of course. This isn't intended to be an argument). Let me know if I missed anything. Heck, if you prove me so in the wrong I can't defend it then I'll go back and change it. I've done it before.

2563769 That's why they change the law in the middle of the story because they realize it's a terrible law. The death penalty comes from a more barbaric time when it was needed as a deterrent. Rarity was the first pony to be executed in 300 years, they had to go with the law there. Once JB came along, they thought 'hey, maybe this 100% of the time law is a terrible idea. Let's change that up.'

2564935 You're forgetting that she also murdered two (arguably three) ponies. Also, you saw what she did with meds in the alt. ending. She hid them and tried to kill herself with them.

2569096 Also keep in mind that Rarity is only a manifestation of Blossom's dark side.

2569692

Dunno, just seems similar to like, half of our discussions. :trixieshiftright:

2569694
I am. :twilightsmile:

2569695

Apple Seed.

2569705
Yay, I'm helpful! :yay:

It's sad to see that the story ended... On the flipside, I'm happy to of at least, been here for most of it. :twilightsmile:

2570169There's always Ripples and the alternate ending, The Word is Fear. The latter I'm having a blast writing.

2570319
Indeed, I am following both of those and will start reading tomorrow.

2619759
Not specifically, I actually am rather mediocre in that department.

When it comes to writing however, tiny mistakes can, and will lose an author readers. And that's before you get into the rule of seven.

2626677 She's basically saying I forgave you a long time ago. On top of that, there's the whole issue that DT was the one torturing her. It's not a place for bad blood, not a place for sorrow and pain. All is forgiven.

2628410 Hope you like Ripples and Word is Fear then.

2636479 Parallels are fun! :pinkiehappy:

2638670 :facehoof: There are other feels...

Because I decided to essentially write my commentary as I went along, this thing got a tad excessive. Because of its excessiveness, I hold no expectations of you reading it or of a response, so feel free to ignore this comment, but I promised a comment, so have a comment :twilightblush:. If you decide to Tl;Dr, I will post a much shorter piece at the bottom for general comments.
Also, although this was written in its entirety after completing the reading (general comments at the bottom) the body of this come from notes I made as I read along and could be considered my thoughts at particular points in the story, largely without hindsight bias. With that, let us begin:

I read the chapters following Sweetie’s capture in Public Life to reacquaint myself with the universe, and after your prologue I found myself conflicted. Should Blossom be pitied? Although she is just a child she must have some understanding of her actions. In the end she is a child who appears unlikely to be a further danger and is being put under more duress than she deserved regardless, so I suppose she does at least have my pity.
I am a little confused as to why Sweetie Belle was not given the death penalty. Their laws are stringent, and her actions were not in self-defense, my current rationalization (one that turns out to be wrong) is that Luna’s uncertainty was enough unreasonable doubt to sway the final decision, as they could not bear to murder an innocent pony.
In the third chapter you a pony says “The kid had enough terrible things dumped on her in her life”. The terribly painful part of this line is clearly that Sweetie is far more deserving of this empathy, and yet she receives scorn, absolutely unjustly. During the portion where Celestia and Shining discuss the soldier’s punishment I am at arms with their doing so in front of the men. This display of uncertainty and arguably relaxed conversation between the two would be odd, particularly in front of ponies they are reprimanding. I imagine Shining would have listen to their arguments and then told them to run laps for four hours. As he watches them and contemplates, Celestia joins him and says “Yo I totally heard the whole thing”, at which point it rejoins your continuity.
I am surprised that Sweetie Belle is given an entire day, particularly one at the castle, to be with Blossom. While she has been on good behavior, and it is more for Blossom’s benefit, I would have expected it to be more limited. Being unsupervised and having the door unlocked was rather silly though (ultimately necessary I later found), as the entire fear with these murderers is their instability and therefore their unpredictability.
Celestria was right in firing the teacher. I don’t believe this was explicitly stated, but despite the fact that her ends may have justified her means, she still did it based on faulty evidence and therefore allowed a ‘presumed’ innocent foal to come to harm thereby failing in her duties as principal.
This must be particularly hard for Silver Spoon, unlike Diamond, she accepts partial responsibility for her loss. I hope she finds help, as I can imagine few worse fates. As for Diamond’s actions my comment was “what...the…fuck… I mean Aliens reference was hilarious but just…fuck. At this point the strain this is giving her is quite apparent. It seems she is constantly dealing with her subordinate’s incompetence.
It is shortly after Sweetie is given more time with Blossom that Celestia states “Unless we get a confession from one of them”, which is in spite of the fact they have already gotten a confession from one of them, and a statement from the other. Furthermore she later says that her ruling cannot be overturned, which I later assume to mean unless a lack of new evidence presents itself.
It is cool to see a relative of Krissy enter the scene. I have said it before and I am unlikely to say it again: she should totally have a scene with T.D., maybe even a short-story where the young prodigal psychiatrist analyzes the universe’s first human.
Luna eventually Luna comes to say “Tis our fault that nine of our subjects are dead”. I wonder, which nine are these? Was not her kill count in the fifties if not hundreds? It was in this chapter that a faint hope of a happy ending arose, despite my insistence that it didn’t. I did, after all, read Secret and Public Life. This feeling was promptly squashed by your author’s not at the end of the chapter reminding us that life wound in fact, not be good.

I was hopefully the odd one out that hoped that Blossom died in this scene. If she had, she would have died innocent, Sweetie could have had her mind read and be found innocent and everyone could go on with their lives, sort of, as it was it seems that Blossom is about to begin a murderous, (although due to your comment, not tortuous) rampage.
It is here that I have a slight problem with continuity. To the princesses, mind-invasion is, for any reason, unforgivably invasive. Dream-walking, even in an information-fishing manner, is totally O.K. Luna dream-walks to gauge Blossom’s personality, so they also find it reliable. If dream hacking is both moral and reliable, why not dream-walk to discover the truth? If not for all major court cases, then at least the biggest court case ever- of all time!
As Blossom meets her father’s family and as her life begins to look happy I am again given a glimmer of hope for her. I found myself thinking “sing a happy, happy, happy, happy song sing ------ Stuff is about to get real ------ “sing a ha (twitch), happy, happy, happy, (twitch), song sing.
I suppose I should note at this point that your author’s notes are a little excessive. While most of your notes seem to say “dudes trust me, I totally got this one guys”, I personally found them to be a little spoilerriffic. Because you have exceeded 1k subscribers (congratulations again by the way), I expect we can both safely say you have a strong reader base and the constant hooks at the end of each chapter are no longer necessary and in fact detractful. At times it seems that you leave us a cliff-hanger at the end of certain chapters, only to give an author’s note saying “hey guys just let go, its not that big of a drop”. My next statement is absolutely biased, but while I expect this could be useful in keeping people coming week to week, but when we have the story in its entirety they seem no longer necessary.
Quisi-rant aside, I say that the final ending you chose was the best ending I had hoped for. I was a bit worried that Sweetie would go vengeful or that Blossom would snap with Comet in the cell, but ultimately it ended as well as it could. Society can now rest more securely as the presumably dangerous family line is about to end and all guilty parties have been found guilty with no room for doubt.
After reading the epilogue I at first thought it was odd decision to have her only speak to her victims, but after some contemplation I decided it was a great decision. We are told she will live an eternity of bliss and forgiveness, while leaving all other meetings up to our imagination. Again, a faintly happy ending for a tragic series.

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Tl;Dr (still quite long, but not nearly as long)
I do not believe in a heaven or hell, and the idea of an infinite reward/punishment for a finite life trouble me, so I imagine that a largely innocent world of pastel ponies has no need for a Tartarus, or at least not a permanent one. I imagine that Rarity will be forced to spend time truly understanding the atrocities she committed and the true results of her actions. She will therefore has, or eventually will, joined everyone in bliss (or heaven, I don’t recall you giving it a name). After all, was she not a victim of her own biology? A slave to her circumstances? She may have enjoyed the power over helpless ponies, although she largely discredits this idea, largely believing in her twisted mind that she is in fact being self-less in her actions.
You have written a very strong series here, and in my mind were kind enough to end it on a palatable note, as compared to the first two where I had to read some T.D. to cleanse my system. You write characters we can care about, and often have our opinions on what is right and wrong flip-flopping in a single conversation. I particularly loved your characterization of Shining Armor, particularly his protectiveness of Blossom.
My sole plotline complaint, regarding dream-state interrogation, is detailed in paragraph 13. I do want to mention that I usually found the author’s notes to be too spoilery or otherwise detractful and rarely beneficial. They may have been so when people had to wait for the next installment, but when the story is in its entirety they are largely unnecessary.
With this series you further prove your competence in creating and developing characters that we can care about. I am glad you make a point to abstain from vulgar language, as it is often difficult to reconcile with their characters. I agree with you in saying that this is your best Killerverse story yet, and that it was an amazing end to the primary trilogy. I hope that you find many competent additions to your Ripples series. I expect I will read The Word is Fear when its time comes (they should really add a “marked as completed” notification), but I will happily keep it out of my canon.
Well, whether or not you have read the above tomb, in part or in its entirety, I hope you continue to write for this fandom, and that you find success in your real life endeavors as well.
P.S. While this was fun to write, I doubt I will do so again, so do not worry about getting any more monsters from me :twilightblush:.

2640810 Yes the comment was long but that is far from unwelcome. Long comments are better than single emoticons. I would like to try to ease some of your plot problems, though.

1. There is a difference between dream walking and mind reading. Dreams are a far more arbitrary thing. Yes they reveal aspects of the mind, but Luna is only there as an observer. Dream observation is like watching a guy organize his room. Maybe you see he has some embarrassing stuff, but you're just watching. Mind reading is like tying him down while you loot through all of his stuff. Far more invasive.
2. Sweetie was not given the death penalty because Luna wasn't sure, and that was enough to have her sentence lessened. Plus, they searched through all of their murder laws and found a small loophole (which I didn't detail because I didn't fee like explaining the complexities of the Equestrian criminal system).
3. When Celestia and Shining Armor have an aside conversation, they are not doing it in front of the men. They're doing so in a side corridor away from the courtyard. The guilty soldiers cannot hear or see them.
4. Sweetie isn't locked int he room because Celestia knows that Sweetie can't really escape anyway and if she tries then visitation rights are over. She couldn't have foreseen DT going nuts.
5. Celestia means a confession that Blossom did it. Yes, they have a confession from Sweetie, but she's talking about a confession of Blossom's guilt.
6. She's talking about the nine beings that Rarity killed after she was supposedly cleansed. She feels she shares some of the blame for their deaths.
7. I'll delete the author's notes.
8. Tartarus is canon in the show. If you look up what it is, it'd make sense that truly evil ponies go there. As it is, I'm never confirming or denying that Rarity went there. It all depends on your interpretation of her character.
9. Yeah I try not to swear myself, so I don't really put it in my writing. I used the term 'bastard' in the literal sense as opposed to the cursing one. Yes there are some instances of Bi***, but when you look at the reasons why the characters say it, it makes more sense. I mean, if you were a father and somebody was trying to kill your child, would you hold back in any way? There is some swearing in Word is Fear (once) but when you get to that part, you know why I would decide to include it based on the emotions of the character.

Once more I'm glad you loved this so much. I look forward to your comments and I hope some of my responses cleared a few things up. I hope you like Word is Fear! I think it's about halfway done now.

2640907
Righto, looks like most of my issues were my own. The only remaining problem I have is with he first bullet point. My issue was not that the princesses hold dream-walking and mind-invasion on separate moral planes while I view them both as immoral. My issue was instead the following:
----They talk freely about dream-walking and bending dreams for information, so they apparently view it as moral.
----Luna is made content in the knowledge garnered about Blossom's personality, so it is clearly reliable
---- If dream-walking is moral and the information gained from it is reliable, why not use it to determine the guilty party? I recognize that in an earlier comment you said dream-walking cannot be used in court, but that doesn't mean actions can't be taken to safe-guard their society and perhaps allow more freedoms to those wrongly imprisoned.

*Notices Broken Blossom was completed a month ago* man... they should really add a marked as completed notification. In any case, see you again in The Word is Fear.

2678519 Erm... I hope that's not literal anger.

2689049 It's the second one, actually.

2708805 Yeah... I know. It's what goes through my mind every time I read that sentence too.

I just discovered this series and have made my way here...and i'm going to leave it here for now because if i read this the fragile strings currently holding my mental state together would burst, and i would dissolve into a wreck of blind RAEG and tears.

Though I have to congratulate you, even though it took you three stories you have managed to accomplish a literary feat of forcing me to put down a book and walk away. (metaphorically)

To put this in perspective I have only done this on ONE other occasion. The Malazan Book of The Fallen, Toll the Hounds...and if you know what i'm talking about you should understand. Sniff Rake sniff.
I literally threw the book at my wall in grief...yeah that how good this series is.

2801687 Blossom's sappin' my sentry!

This is the first story ever that made me cry. I was prepared for Rarity and Sweetie Belle but this third story did it. I cried so much, and I dont regret reading it a bit. :twilightsmile:

I was really affected by this though because I have something similiar going on with my mom. Without death, murder or anything alike, but it still tore me up.

First it was Amsterdam, now it's One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell. So much fitting music!

2829105
It seriously felt like I read it in under a minute.

I would give you five million thumbs up for these stories. You did an amazing job and I hope you keep writing. Now to check out these two stories. :D

ARGH! Somepony help me! I don't seem to be experiencing emotion as much as I should be! I seriously felt the need to shed tears, but I couldn't. Nothing bad has happened, but somehow I resisted it. Do I lack a soul or something? Please help me, I don't want to be like this a lot D:
Great trilogy, through. You are just TOO good of a writer.

2874007

Much better, plus it gives better insight as to her actual opinions on the matter; That's up to you, of course, but it does feel more in character.

2910065 Favorite biological sister is too much of a mouthful and Comet wouldn't get it.

Okay, so I read the whole trilogy as it was all completed within a few weeks. I can not describe to you how much I loved each story and each character. The stories were both so sad but sooo good! You are SUCH an amazing writer I might just have to follow you and read all of your other stories. I also might have to reread this trilogy so I can cry once more at its awesomeness. I will definitely read the alternate ending for Blossom, but I just wanted to post this comment here on the canon ending. I love everything about these stories, I have been hooked and unable to do the homework I have been putting of because of how awesome this is. Seriously you rock. :pinkiehappy: Please excuse me while I continue to cry about this bittersweet story.

2913692 Glad you like them! Yeah, this is my favorite series and I think the best thing I've ever done. Glad you enjoyed them and I hope you like more of my Killer Mane Six stories!

2925440 Apple Seed's father died, Diamond Tiara divorced her husband about a year after Golden Necklace was born, and Silver Spoon's husband cheated on her while SS was pregnant with Fire Ruby so they divorced too.

2930699 Well as you know, Sweetie Belle was knocked up. Apple Bloom's husband died, Diamond Tiara and her husband divorced a year or two after GN was born, and a year or two after Fire Ruby was born, Silver Spoon's husband left her for another mare.

3018075

Get an image url and put [img] tags around it. :twilightsmile:

3018169
Lies! Back when the Author liked me, I used to try and be helpful. :twilightblush:

3035113

Make the last IMG tag have / in the beginning.

3057885 Too late for what? I forget

2930699>>3195217 Apple Seed's father died, Diamond Tiara's husband divorced her, and Silver Spoon's husband cheated on her with another mare, also resulting in a divorce.

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