In the name of Fo:E do I claim this first post. In other news, welcome to the herd. And to end the comment, who made your cover? Because it is rather good
At one point you really need to make your group in the story visit a Magic Castle like place. Because the options are unlimited. (Like the Magic Castle in Hollywood.) Cause that would be awesome.
This is a very interesting concept you have here, I can honestly say that I haven't seen anyone use Applewood as the setting for any of their stories yet. And I'm curious to see what story you plan to tell us in the city of stars. To note, I base my reviews on the reading of your first and last chapters upon the writing of this review, anything in between I am fairly naive about.
So to begin with, let's start with your writing style and narration. The tradition amongst sidestories has been for quite some time a first person POV, but I'm always eager to see changes in small things like that, and you seem to have handled this in a decent manner. But to be honest, the flow of the narration is a bit awkward, and seems to have a tendency to jump from place to place in a single scene. Unfocused is the word I'm looking for. It's not entirely bad, as it's able to focus enough for us to get a fairly decent picture of whats going on. And what we can see through the narration is a work of art.
Continuing from that, you also suffer from the easy trap of rushing. Even if a scene lasts for paragraphs upon paragraphs, we never actually seem to sit still. Going from character to character rapidly, this guy looks like this! Now she's talking! But what's he thinking? That man over there looks a bit shifty!
You also introduce characters quickly, and as a side effect of your writing style, we don't have too much context to go along with what's happening. I don't know who this character is other then a quick exposition, why should we care what happens to the character? What makes us feel for them? Makes us relate?
After all that, there isn't anything bad worth mentioning. Like I said before, when we're able to see what's happening, and the times we stop and look at the world around us, we can appreciate the world you have brilliantly crafted. The setting, style, characters, plot, are all very unique and engaging. You style each character in a unique and different way, the way they speak, hold themselves, and interact is on par with someone great stories, it's just the pacing and narration that needs a bit of fixing. Other then that, it's a good story. I've always believed there is no such thing as a bad idea or plot, just poorly executed ones. But if you work just a little bit more on it, this could be something worth reading, and even more, worth admiring.
In the name of Fo:E do I claim this first post. In other news, welcome to the herd. And to end the comment, who made your cover? Because it is rather good
2061694
That would be MrMech. He's fantastic, and we all love him to bits and pieces.
It wouldn't have happened without LeatherDuster, though. He made it all possible by commissioning it, himself! He's beast-mode!
Interesting....... And awesome cover art!
I bid you welcome to the herd!
2061735
Thank you so much!
MrMech is wow material. I can't believe these artists and their abilities. Ridiculous.
At one point you really need to make your group in the story visit a Magic Castle like place. Because the options are unlimited. (Like the Magic Castle in Hollywood.) Cause that would be awesome.
2062130
What kind of magic castle we talkin' here? Greyskull?
Ohhhhhhh, you mean the Magic Castle?! We'll see. There are a lot of fun, Hollywood things to throw in.
2064119
Yes, The Magic Castle.
Wonder if The Great and Powerful Trixie had a member card, and one of her posters in there?
Hoh boy. Here we go.
This is a very interesting concept you have here, I can honestly say that I haven't seen anyone use Applewood as the setting for any of their stories yet. And I'm curious to see what story you plan to tell us in the city of stars. To note, I base my reviews on the reading of your first and last chapters upon the writing of this review, anything in between I am fairly naive about.
So to begin with, let's start with your writing style and narration. The tradition amongst sidestories has been for quite some time a first person POV, but I'm always eager to see changes in small things like that, and you seem to have handled this in a decent manner. But to be honest, the flow of the narration is a bit awkward, and seems to have a tendency to jump from place to place in a single scene. Unfocused is the word I'm looking for. It's not entirely bad, as it's able to focus enough for us to get a fairly decent picture of whats going on. And what we can see through the narration is a work of art.
Continuing from that, you also suffer from the easy trap of rushing. Even if a scene lasts for paragraphs upon paragraphs, we never actually seem to sit still. Going from character to character rapidly, this guy looks like this! Now she's talking! But what's he thinking? That man over there looks a bit shifty!
You also introduce characters quickly, and as a side effect of your writing style, we don't have too much context to go along with what's happening. I don't know who this character is other then a quick exposition, why should we care what happens to the character? What makes us feel for them? Makes us relate?
After all that, there isn't anything bad worth mentioning. Like I said before, when we're able to see what's happening, and the times we stop and look at the world around us, we can appreciate the world you have brilliantly crafted. The setting, style, characters, plot, are all very unique and engaging. You style each character in a unique and different way, the way they speak, hold themselves, and interact is on par with someone great stories, it's just the pacing and narration that needs a bit of fixing. Other then that, it's a good story. I've always believed there is no such thing as a bad idea or plot, just poorly executed ones. But if you work just a little bit more on it, this could be something worth reading, and even more, worth admiring.
Cheers!