• Member Since 20th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 4th, 2014

GingerLuna


Hi! Writing is kind of my thing. Besides MLP, I like LOST, The Office, LoK/ATLA, Once Upon A Time, Gravity Falls, and House of Anubis! I also love the Percy Jackson series.

T
Source

Rainbow is a happy little Pegasus growing up in Cloudsdale with her parents and sister. She's got a big yard to play in, plenty of Wonderbolt toys, and friends to race against! Nothing seems wrong with her life, until a strange string of events start to occur that will change it forever. Join her and her sister Firefly in three of the most important moments of their lives, and discover the fate of their sisterhood and family.

Thanks so much to Foxy Kimchi,Dusk Apollo, and MartyMurray for all their help and support! I couldn't have written this without any of you! And of course, thanks to my main proof-reader, who edited the story countless times, and probably did half of the work; Lhmac . She is an incredible person, writer, and editor. Thank you so much, I really owe the story to you.

Partially inspired by "Dash's Determination" and "Dash Academy" Listen to and read both of them! Oh, and be sure to listen to Dash's Determination when you read the story, especially the dramatic parts.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 24 )

This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Dash of loyalty

Grammar: 9/10 (A few mistakes)

Pros: Characters stayed in character.
Story had a nice flow to it.
Was cute

Cons: noticed two spelling mistakes (in between to Papermoon and Fluttershy.) the to soesn't belong there.

(But you’re don’t,) think this is supposed to be (not)

only other thing I can think of is it's a little simplistic.

Notes: Let me just say that for someone of your age this is pretty good, while it's a bit simplistic I never felt like it was a negative. A little more description here and there would be nice. Anyway you've got a nice start and I look forward to more chapters.

Hope you liked your review don't forget to review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire.

Signed
Hingard (Admin)

2054998

Thanks for the review! I fixed the mistakes, and I'll read your story as soon as I have time. :pinkiehappy:

2055510 take your time.

Loving it so far!

This review comes on behalf of the Authors Helping Authors group.

Name: Dash of Loyalty
Grammar score: 10/10 (I didn’t notice anything)

Pros:
- I like the idea that Firefly is Rainbow Dash’s sister.
- Filly Rainbow Dash is always cute.
- The story flowed smoothly.
Cons:
- To be honest I can’t think of any.

Notes: I normally don’t like stories with sad or tragedy tags, but so far I like this. The chapter could have been fleshed out more, but it got the story across without being too simple for my liking. Simple is good sometimes.
If it’s not too much trouble, would you kindly take a look at, and review, my story The Lion and the Unicorn, please. :twilightsmile:

2068969

Thanks so much for your review! Yeah, I've always had that little headcanon of them being sisters. :rainbowdetermined2: I'll definitely take a look at your story.

I am curious, Is the name inspired by the song "Loyalty" by AcoustiMandoBrony?

2071563

No, it isn't. But I've heard that song. I came up with the name when I was playing the MLP Gameloft game, and I was clearing Parasprites using Loyalty Shards. Then a line popped into my head; "If you had a dash of loyalty you'd stay!" And the story kind of evolved from that...that line comes in later by the way.

Thanks for commenting! It really means a lot. Seeing the comment made my day. :raritywink:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Dash of Loyalty

Grammar: 8

Pros:

-Not sure if it's intentional, but I like how the writing style is simplistic to match Rainbow's young age. It would be cool if it got more advanced as she grew up :raritywink:
-Having Firefly as her sister was a cool idea
-Rainbow and Firefly are just so cute :3

Cons:

-I don't think that Rainbow and Firefly should've forgotten about their parents arguing. That should have at least weighed on their minds a little bit.
-Some of the names don't sound like pony names (Barnie? If that's a nickname, you should clear that up, because that doesn't sound very pony-ish)
-The grammar problems can get a bit distracting, at least to me :twilightblush:

Notes
Now, let's get down to business on this whole grammar thing.
Really, the main problem was with dialogue. Let's find an example, shall we?

“Yes Mom.” We said grumpily, fluttering into the house and over to the table.

This sentence has pretty much all of the dialogue problems in it that I could find in your story. First off, that period should be a comma, because "We said grumpily" is a speaker tag. That brings me to my next point. Because "We said grumpily" is a speaker tag, the "We" shouldn't be capitalized. Pretend the quotation marks aren't in the sentence when you're dealing with that if that clears things up for you.
So, the fixed sentence should look something like:

“Yes Mom,we said grumpily, fluttering into the house and over to the table.

Another miscellaneous thing:

”Are those the action figures?” A voice called from behind me, and I spun around to see Thunderlane grinning at me.

The first quotation mark is facing the wrong way here.
One last thing, the indenting in the paragraphs is inconsistent. You either indent or you don't. Please choose. :twilightblush:

I hope that this review has been somewhat useful to you! If you have the time, I would be honored if you took a look at my story: The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten

Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan

2093129

Thanks for the review! I think I fixed everything...but you might want to check.

Looking back on my writing process, I think I did try to make it simplistic because she was a filly. Wow. I can't believe I forgot that...thanks for pointing that out. The other acts are much more detailed.

2093720
Woah, I have mind reading powers :pinkiecrazy:

2093771

Yeah, I remember reading it and thinking, "Yeah...people are saying it's simplistic and bare..., wait. I think I did do it on purpose!" I wrote it around Christmastime, so I sort of forgot my writing process. :facehoof:

I can't wait for you to release the other chapters!

2094148

Thanks. The next act is where it gets good. I hate this act compared to it. My friend and I were reading it out loud, and it was quite powerful. That's why I didn't focus on the plot of their parents fighting in this act, because it's elaborated on so much in the next one.

2094223
Ooh, that makes more sense :twilightblush:
Any idea of when the next Act will be released? :pinkiesmile:

2094723

When this Act is ready for EqD, so I'm not overworked getting the other act ready. But the other act still needs to be edited and looked over a little...maybe Wednesday or Tuesday. No promises though. I really can't wait until you read it, parts of it are a little scary; but it's still really good.

2095092
Excitement activated! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

I like how this ones simplistic to match Rainbow's age, fits rather well.

Now I don't know if I should he the one giving this adivice because I was notorious at it when Istarted writing, but on your other story, I would like, no, love more literature 'meat'.

When I read it, I raced through it, nothing to really read and I really wanted more!!
So I suggest just going a little more in-depth, cause it was a skim.
(so was and still is mine)


By the by, what is this Authors helping Authors group?

2144655

If you're talking about LTTS, that story is really outdated and I have no intention of fixing all of it's problems. I'll probably say the same thing about DoL someday. Circle of Life. If you're talking about DoL, I am currently in the stages of editing it and adding more description. Bear with me. :pinkiehappy:

Author's Helping Author's a group that helps authors that aren't as well known get views, faves, and reviews on their work. It's a nice group.

Huh, sounds like a great group :pinkiehappy:

Wait, who gave my story a thumbs down? And why? Please, let me know so I can fix the problems you saw. :pinkiesad2:

It's really brilliant to read this with so much description added. It really helps me to feel for your characters so much more. Love it! :pinkiehappy:

I love reading this with the added description! It adds so much more life to the characters.

Is there a chance of this updating in the future? :fluttercry:

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