DarkRyu
Joined 23rd Jan, 2012 ·
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"13,531 words total"
<-< dayum.... this is one long fic. though, i guess the sex comes... later or late in the chapter?
155335
It's about 25% in where the steamy stuff happens. As I said, this was a project that was abandoned. If I had wanted to complete it I would have split things up into several chapters and polished it up a lot before submitting it. The only reason I posed it is because it's not doing any good just sitting on my hard drive where no one can see it. And who knows? Maybe it'll create some more Twilestia fans.
My one major call on this one is that you tend to just present a problem and bam, it's over with after a few lines of dialogue. I mean, you gloss over the crisis I and Varanus are writing frickin' novels about in a sentence, as Celestia just comes straight out and goes OH TWILIGHT YOU ARE TOTES MY EQUAL and lo and behold it's totally fine now, no problem. This happens a lot: you set up a conflict and immediately resolve it in the next few paragraphs/lines of dialogue and move on to the next thing.
Also, your dialogue is a little weak in a very specific way. Your characters don't speak TO each other, considering what they are saying to whom in what way. Instead they sort of broadcast their feelings and attitudes at each other unmodulated by a specific character voice. Celestia should be slightly removed, talking in careful, precise language, while Twilight tends to stammer, get nervous, and be demanding, etc etc etc. This makes dialogue more interesting to read, and sets up delicious drama through ponies just Not Being Able To Spit It Out.
Also there are a lot of grammar errors. Missing commas, using the possessive instead of the plural (ex: mare's instead of mares) and some poor construction of quotations.
I should say this bearing my own attitudes in mind, of course; I am so attached to the drama of the gulf between Twi and Celestia that it pains me to see it overcome in a sentence or two.
That said: THANK GOD SOMEONE WROTE THEM KISSIN'. It is getting to the point where I might have to write my own cloppy shit so I can stand to pull them over the coals some more in "Eternal".
aaaawwwwwww.... they're so cute!
I enjoyed it.Of course a sad thing about being an immortal alicorn is that one's lovers age and die.
"It's mare love, that's all it is! There's nothing gay about it in our eye~s..."
Ehem...
Anyway, it's good all things considered and while Twilight is best pony, Twilestia is best pairing.
155404
Do eeeeeet.
"
“Just make sure and keep up with your chores.” She said as she walked out the door.
“You bet.” Spike said as the door closed behind her. "
*next scene shows spike in a black hat ,black sunglasses and white underpants dancing*
Victorian!!!
so your saying Equestria is post-human earth????
mh... iwouldn't say that this is a shipfic. It's more old fashion porn: bad dialogues, (REALLY) fast developing story + sex
maybe we could need a new tag like [porn] for fics like this one.
but at least you wrote a big chapter, and not like these other +/- 1000 words clopfics
Hmmm. This is a good one. TwiLestia isn't one of my favorite, but this one was good. Could have probably used more development in the relationship before going to the sex, but that's what I think with many fics like this. Except they are usually short and therefore were only really meant for the sex and not the relationship prospect.
I also assume by the incomplete tag there will be more to it?
I do not like Twilestia. Not one bit.
160760
And whyever not?
I'll admit, when it's not done exceedingly well, its creepy, but when it is?
I do hope you plan on continuing this shortly...
Very good, I always found twilightXcelestia shipping to be sweet.
I will be sure to track so please do update
155345
so this is not gonna be finished? if that's the case, please tag it as cancelled
A shame you have not updated this since I last checked ( as the New Order guest ), but it seems you left off in an appropriate enough place.
this is 1 of the best fan fiction i have ever read can't w8 for the next chapter
I know this is probably complete(( I didn't check the status)) But well um MOAR i mean uh if you don't mind......
"Oh God Celestia!" --What? Who's this "God" you speak of?
155345 I would suggest splitting it into two chapters and polish it up anyway. I'm eager to se what happens next though. Also, is Luna going to stay that standoffish for the whole story or is she going to warm up to twilight eventually, maybe even friends (not like that, you know what I mean)
This Histori Is Dead =?¿=
"All the world loves a lover, but in this case we'll make an exception."
~Bugs Bunny
Great story! We want more! Please! With a Fluttershy on top as well! And snow! ...I'm rambling.
nice more please
and then luna kicks the door in starts shaking & strangling Twilight while shouting "I told you not to go public"
Having only read the description so far, I have to say: no. No no no. That is NOT how to grammar. You capitalize ONE letter at the start of the SENTENCE. Not one every word, unless every word is a name.
And now I say fuck yes. This was great, even though you didn't do well on the description.
You could always post a version with an alternate rewritten version of the Twilight/Luna scene Im sure many Luna fans would appreciate it but its only a suggestion of what you could do
4693040 I personally find it funny when people do that
Work on the description, fix the Luna part and you're golden, great story! Would love to see it continued.
More please! :)
Please, please finish the story. Wonderful, and I was intrigued to know what will happen