Tailor Made

Southpaw #1 · Feb 3rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

Cute story.

Two significant things I noticed, though: One is that Quick Stitch just doesn't seem 'alive' to me. Perhaps it's just me, but I found it difficult to actually relate to her difficulty. Not that I didn't get it, just that I didn't really feel too badly for her, maybe because she just didn't seem fleshed out enough as a character, didn't have enough to lose or didn't lose it in a dramatic enough way.

The other thing I noticed was that the story seemed to more or less fizzle out at the end. I understand that, because it's kind of hard to tell someone "Look I know you want to be an artist, but you suck at it. But here's this sheet metal press I just KNOW you'll operate like a pro!" She really didn't seem to have enough to gain at this point. You could certainly make the current solution to Quick Stitch's problem work, but making it a more meaningful solution to the reader (yeah, me) as well as to Quick Stitch would have worked better.

Anyway, these are only my opinions, and the story stands well enough without them! Like I said, it's a cute story.

FrontSevens

FrontSevens #2 · Feb 3rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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2065431 Thank you very much! I definitely see what you're saying, and am glad you took the time to comment as you did. :)

Yeah, I think I could have built up Quick Stitch's side of the story a little more... And made the resolution a little more meaningful... And this is why I take pride in pretending to know what I'm doing. Don't worry, I've learned something here!

Southpaw

Southpaw #3 · Feb 3rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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2065879 Hey thanks, I really appreciate your very nice response! I'm always reticent about criticizing other people's works when I haven't yet published anything myself. I totally understand what you mean - from a personal perspective - about pretending to know what the hell I'm doing, writing-wise. ;) You're doing great! Don't stop, because it can only get better and better.

FWIW: As family and friends can attest, I'm all about sharing good things with them (sometimes too much). Writing-wise, I would share this with anyone here: This fellow pony writer has some excellent advice about approaching writing, much of which has been a real help to me lately: Primarily the link to Kurt Vonnegut's "8 Basics of Creative Writing" and Cereal Velocity's "Pony Writing Guide" on EQD, both of which are awesome and relevant to just about any fiction writing (though of course the Pony Writing Guide is more specific in sections).

Ah, it's now after midnight and I can celebrate another successful orbit around the sun. Cheers!

shadowmane1

shadowmane1 #4 · Feb 5th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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you have written a rarity fic, this makes me happy

Shokinaw

Shokinaw #5 · Feb 24th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Tailor Made

Grammar: 7/10

There are some poor word choices littered throughout the story, as well as some grammar issues. Here's a few of the more prominent ones that stuck out to me:

“This is the first time she’s working on four dresses at once.”

needs to be more like:
"This is the first time she's ever worked on four dresses at once!"

"Rarity, out of the corner of her eye, spotted the conversing."

This is unquestionably a complete sentence, but if you say it out loud to yourself, you'd know no one would ever say it like this. Trying to tell the story like you would say it out loud to yourself will help nip this budding problem. Read it out loud and you'll probably catch most grammar issues easily.

“Would you like anything to drink? I have many teas, but also milk or water, if you prefer.”

I think you mean 'types of tea' here. Again, saying it out loud to yourself would have probably caught this one.

“

Why, thank you, darling.” After noticing the pile of suitcases stacked up in the back of the carriage, Rarity turned to her sister. “Sweetie Belle, could you bring Quick Stitch’s luggage to the guest room?”

Is this how Rarity would greet the royalty she's so crazy over? It almost sounds like she's talking to a peer, inferior, or random stranger. I would have thought she'd be saying it was her honour or something similar.

“Oh, Hoity Toity is just fine, young filly.” He looked at his wrist and back to her. “Now, Miss Stitch, there are some ponies that I believe are just dying to meet you. This way,” he beckoned with a hoof gesture.

It bothers me that he expects Quick Stitch to be casual with his name and then instantly goes back to being formal with hers.

Pros

Opened with a joke! Never a bad idea. I like the sense of humour behind the story playing out here. Most of it is subtle and played close to the chest. I think you'd do well to let it all out and put more of these types of scenes and dialogue in. I know it's slice of life, but it can be more than that! Especially in a story of this sort, it's just asking for some comedic displays. It is a cartoon after all.

I also like the different emotions playing out here. Rarity's hesitant criticism actually reminds me a lot of what I'm going through right here. It's against my nature to put down people's work for their own good so I can really relate to this. Finding topics that can relate to many isn't an easy thing to pull off, so well played!

Which brings me to the concept. It's a great idea honestly. A fic like this is the perfect type for delving into those contrasting and conflicting emotions in us all and exploring them. We're all familiar with them so it will probably keep a reader entertained throughout. You could wrap a real episode around the idea of Rarity trying to both compliment her guest while at the same time trying to subtly hint that their work is mediocre at best. (leaving the other character to be a little oblivious for missing the hint every time, but that's a good thing! Especially for OCs! Flaws make a character more interesting to read and write about! It's the flaws in your favoured ponies that made them as famous as they are.)

Cons

Details!
This story needs some. Greeting what Rarity considers royalty would probably be an absolute honour for her so "Why thank you darling' seems way too casual. Also, when serving royalty you wouldn't just take any old glass from a cupboard would you? You'd pull something out from your best dish set. You're trying to treat them with the utmost of courtesy, honour, and respect, making sure to note that's what she's doing during the story is vital to keeping the idea Rarity's trying to dress to impress her here and not the other way around.
Heck Rarity would probably pick something out of her wardrobe to greet her in if she knew when she was arriving. Terms of endearment like 'darling' should be more of a slip of a tongue than regularly used for addressing them. Remember to go the extra mile too! What kind of water? she didn't just grab some from the tap did she? She probably had a pitcher of ice water handy, but we don't know that.

Characterization
First impressions of a new and original character is a tough task. Again details are key. Pick a personality for them, a speech pattern, a description that is more than just the colour of their fur and hair. Their eyes take up 4/5 of their head on the show, and you didn't even give us a colour to work with. At least one full paragraph should be devoted to their first introduction into the story. This pony is a complete stranger to your readers, and we should have at least a rough idea of what we're getting into before conversation takes full priority in the story.

Example: Quick stitch, in spite of her royal beginnings seems like she is a little bit of Rarity's fangirl. There would be no shame in having her act it out or even exaggerating it a little. She's obviously excited to meet Rarity. She's carrying around her book, and wants all this advice, I know I'd be excited if I was about to get a helping hand from someone I admired. Probably a little nervous too. Make sure to leave that all important impression in word and deed for more than a paragraph or two.

Notes Section

I think I elaborated on my thoughts as much as I can above, but here's a minor continuity gripe.

“Remember when you said you got your cutie mark when you were making a dress for your mother?”

Uh... she didn't say that, Princess Cadence is the one that told Rarity how Quick Stitch got her Cutie Mark.

I hope you enjoyed your review! And please don't feel Like I'm coning down on you like a ton of bricks here. You have room for improvement, but unlike Quick Stitch, you do have the talent to really shine if you just polish this up a bit.
I know the golden rule of the group is to review other stories back, but my story is friggin' huge, so don't feel the obligation in my case. It doesn't seem fair to ask that much time from you if you can't spare it. If you can spare it however, I'd appreciate it! Our Time to Fly

FrontSevens

FrontSevens #6 · Feb 24th, 2013 · · ·

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2169773 Well, thank you very much for your wonderfully thorough review! I'm actually quite similar, in that I try not to sound overly critical of other people's work, so don't feel bad about it. Speaking of which, I'm glad you caught the theme of the story, as well. ;)
If I can find the time to review your story, and if I have enough advice to offer, I most certainly will. I shall try to do that within the next week, and will get through as much as I can. :)

Shokinaw

Shokinaw #7 · Feb 24th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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2173682
Phew~!
Twas only my second review of this sort, and I worried it was getting a bit too rough. Thanks for taking the punches like a champ, it's those punches that help us grow, so being able to roll with them is probably the best skill we can have when attempting any new thing at all.

solocitizen