There is a new enemy in Equestria. A group of six, hell-bent on destroying the Elements of Harmony and their wielders, with elements of their own...
Chapters (5)
applejack2357
Joined 28th Dec, 2012 ·
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Hello, dear author. First, let me congratulate you on excellent formatting. Very readable, though there are a handful of grammar and spelling mistakes that need correcting. Three pieces of advice:
(1) The whole "Dark Elements of Harmony" thing has been done, some would say to death. Not that you can't make a good story based on the idea, but you'd better be sure that you're bringing something unique to the table if you want to garner interest. Your synopsis and this prologue seem too similar to what's come before. This reminds me of the beginning of Past Sins in particular, and that is no bueno.
(2) Present tense is a bad idea unless there is a specific reason for it. The style comes off as awkward because you're telling us a story. We're not watching it happen, and the tense does not effectively create this illusion. You're better off with past tense, trust me.
(3) You need to put a bit more work into describing the scene and setting the mood. This is purely a subjective matter, but this prologue reads like "this happened and then this happened and then this happened". Your dialogue is fine, but the action is vague and description is sparse.
For some handy reference materials and a crew of bronies willing to help you improve, visit http://www.ponychan.org/fic/.
Wishing you all the best,
AkibaWhite
You might want to change the name of that black stallion. Curacao is a very popular OC from CRISIS Equestria.
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120719035506/mlpfanart/images/0/09/CRISIS_Curacao.jpg
2053019 FUCK! Thanlk you for telling me!
2053013
could you check over mine and tell me about any errors?
Wait! how did you manage to get a story up less than 1000 words it won't let me do that!!!
Hmmmmm, interesting.
he posted both of the chapters at the same time
Well... It kind of rushes. Your writing has definitely improved, so that's a plus, but your chapters should be longer.
Keep on writing, I guess.
2053638 I posted both chapters at the same time, much to my demise...
Okay! First time back on FimFic in a few days and I'm here to fulfill my promise! I always follow through on my commitments yo.
An interesting premise! Yes the "evil elements" has been done before but it's a cool concept and it can be most enjoyable with a unique twist or two. Not a bad hook, though. Interested to read on. The overall writing was also surprisingly good. Good sentence structure and vocabulary (even a surprise semicolon! Used correctly!). There were a few minor grammar errors but those are quite nitpicky. Nothing that detracts from the reading experience.
There are some weak points in your writing you could improve on though. For example, the present tense is really out-of-place. Present tense definitely only works for a first person point of view, and even then sometimes past tense is better. But third person omnipotent narrator present tense? Ewwww. It was quite jarring and off-putting. I kept wanting to substitute your verbs with past words. A pretty lousy choice, to be honest. Nothing a quick ten minutes won't fix, though.
Also, the story is a bit lackluster in descriptions. It starts out good, with a good description of the cave-like setting, but afterwards things get a bit fuzzy. Where'd Scoots come from (poor filly)? How was she bound? What happened to her after the "spell"? When the cauldron exploded? The scene left us with a lot of questions unanswered, and many of them I feel are not important to the plot (aka cliffhangers). Zecora's bit could've used a smidgen of elaboration as well.
Looking pretty good so far, though. On to chapter two!
The first thing I think upon reading this chapter: it's too short! I want more! There were some good things and some bad here, so let's break it down:
The good. Plot progression is always good to see. They've identified the Scootaloo problem and we've quite possibly met one of our main antagonists. Good. There were also some funny moments (loved the Twi/Spike interactions) and pretty good characterizations overall.
The bad (longer but only cause I'm being more detailed). Tense, tense, tense! At least last chapter you were consistent. This one flip-flops between present and past tense. See? Even you want to write it in past! I think more than anything this solidifies the argument for past tense. It would be more enjoyable and followable that way. I also thought it was strange that AJ of all ponies was at Twi's looking for Scootaloo, but then you mentioned AB and I was like "oh that makes sense." Logical plot progression is logical.
The ugly (otherwise known as the 'other'). Assorted thoughts: I thought Zecora left her hut at dusk? I find it hard to believe (from the show itself) that it takes half a day for her to get to Ponyville. Or that she would travel the Everfree at night. Just some "holes" for you to consider. Also, the OC. I kinda facepalmed at the 'black and red' thing, but it's okay in all honesty. Not really digging the name, though. 'Cleft' is fine but the last name isn't very ponyish. Just something that stuck out to me as a reader. Finally (repressing rising urge to kill), it's 'Apple Bloom,' not 'Applebloom.' Personal pet peeve of mine.
With a simple round of spit and polish, this could prove to be something rather interesting.
NOOOO SCOOTS DON'T DIE ON MEEEE! COME ON GURL JUST BREATHE!
Intriguing. If I may, though, I feel like Pinkie was COMPLETELY out of control this chapter. I know that having her break the fourth wall every now and again can be entertaining but this was quite a ways over the top. The computer and show part was passable, but then you had her give away a large chunk of the plot in a single sentence. Where's the fun in that? You want to keep us guessing at the real nature of Cleft's plan and whatnot. Sure, we probably all knew he was the bad guy but STILL. Nice to find out in a dramatic way rather than "hi I'm Pinkie I know everything that happens in this story let me tell ya about it."
On the positive side, very good grammar this chapter. I wasn't looking too hard, but I didn't spot anything. Tense was good too, glad to see you did away with that silly present tense deal.
One more thought on this: these chapters need to be longer!!
2161197
I thought this part in the story was very comedic. Although it looks like she was giving a huge part of the plot away, she might not be.
2161792 If you say so. I found it rather off-putting.
2163544 I know. That was exactly the point.
don't let any put you down it is a great story
MORE MORE PLEASE MAKE MORE
2418966 Thanks for reading.
I'm working on the next chapter. I know it's been a while...
WAIT A SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS SCOOTAWOO DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOO NOT SCOOTAWOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
but like the story!
MOAR!!!
Why Rainbow, why?!
I loveded you! I LOVEDED YOU!!!!!! 
Keep up the great work!!
Great story though!
2891666 I appreciate the feed back...
Thanks much!
2891846
*squee*
2891846 Is this canceled?
4642465 I'm not sure yet. I may or may not continue this.
Dishonesty
Unkindness
Anger
Greed
Disloyalty
Witchcraft!
4850619 Yep. Pretty much the same.
this looks promising
2053638 The limit for a chapter is NOT 1000 words.
However, the limit for a story is - so you could write 2 500-word chapters and it will go through the submission process.
WTF! Pinkie Pie discovers a computer/TV (I don't really know which) and Twilight invents a modern invention in the PONY WORLD?!
Yes! Just yes!!