Superstition
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Ooh, Gilda clop!
Let's see where this is going.
Kinda interesting fic, liked how it started.
one word of advice? Needs spaces... it is a bit cluttered.
Interesting start. I'm curious to see where this leads.
That is definitely a sad way to start a series for this poor man. However the beginning really reminds me of Dust and how he used to fight against normal people before the game starts.
i just got that he was a combine soldier from half-life 2
neat
Okay you need to change your main characters a little, there's no Chrysalis or Diamond Dogs in the first two big chapters and there isn't any indication that they'll show up here. I thought the mane cast are going to have minor roles but they are just as important in the story as they are Gilda... You know what, maybe you should just add the mane cast to the list of characters because from these two chapters alone and the character tags, it's a little misleading to believe the mane cast even have minor roles here.
I must admit, this story has actually gotten me invested. The opening chapter was really insane, but in a good way; the tension, confusion, and pandemonium builds very well until You-Know-Who shows up and brings things to a huge climax. Now that is what I call pacing. You didn't advertise the fic to be a crossover in any way and it is a good thing you did; otherwise the reveal wouldn't have had nearly as big an impact. If something like that happened in any other story I would have called it the "Shark Jumping" point of the story, but not here. (On a pointless side note I think the towers suppressed ALL sexual activity, not just pregnancies but oh well)
As for the second chapter, it isn't nearly as strong but it still has its good qualities. You compensate the dramatic tone shift well with the lines in scene transitions that subtly capture the guilt Anon still feels in the back of his mind and it is rather amazing how the chapter feels like an actual episode from the show. The biggest flaw in my opinion is the rather sudden and unnecessary sexual tension with the nurses. I suppose it helps establish that he isn't beyond being aroused by ponies and vice versa, but it does not lead anywhere, it is very unprofessional of the nurses (especially with someone they had locked up just in case), and I don’t think it gels well with the rest of the chapter. I suppose anything goes in (what I assume to be) a clopfic though.
Overall, the biggest strength of this whole thing is that it plays it all completely straight. G-Man, the combine, and the towers are never named so the situation appears believable. Anon’s name is ridiculous but no one acknowledges it, making it even funnier. Anon is forced to get a job at the spa that will inevitably lead to sexual situations in this kind of fic but never states it out loud. If the story was self-aware and making fun of these things it would be annoying, but I am very glad to see the story not go down that path.
In misc. stuff your capitalization and spacing could use a little bit of work and I am also a bit confused on how forgiving everyone is being so far, especially Rainbow Dash who simply pulls a rather playful prank. Anon seems to be confused as well, so I assume that is intentional so I’ll withhold judgment for now.
Keep up the good work, and I hope to see more in the future.
~Staples
Thanks a lot you all,
the thing is, the next like...uh...maybe 25 chapters are already written, but as a greentext story. I'm only reformatting all of that stuff as fast as I can since greentext stories aren't allowed here on FimFiction, so I apologize for all the bad formatting and such (my first try at submitting this story was denied because of 'Wall of Text', sorry, I'm trying my best).
I never intended the story to become this big and it isn't done yet by a long shot.
2104534 You want help fixing it up?
2104652 Thanks, but sadly I have to decline.
I'm using the reformatting as an opportunity for a last proofreading and to edit the story some more, some parts still don't add up completely, others are not usable outside of a greentext or I just want to add some details here and there.
But I really appreaciate the offer, much appreciated.
2104882 Alrighty.
Story is still going on pretty strongly, I just didn't know it was a greentext story which actually makes a lot of sense to me now why the format the way it is. I'd like to once again suggest you add the mane cast to the character roster since they are just as important as the Diamond Dogs and Chrysalis at the moment but I wonder if this is going to shift to these characters later in the story because they do become important later.
Wow this is good. I mean adjectives fail me, just the right mix of akward, comedy, serious shit and lead up to shipping. Great story.
Fucking G-Man, I really do hope they explain what he is when/if Half Life 3 ever comes out.
Damn I feel bad for Pinkie. Really hope Anon's plan works.
not the best, but it's o.k.
also, chapters are ending kind of abruptly.
Make Pinkie Pie fall in love with him? I can think of about 50 different reasons why that is a bad idea but it would at least be interesting to see him crash and burn if that is the case.
Also, I honestly wasn't expecting to see Nurse Redheart again so I guess that flirting at the beginning does have a point. That is good.
~Staples
Seeing as though you have uploaded one chapter everyday for the last three days I suppose
I will find myself refreshing this page for the remainder of the afternoon.
On a separate note... The rustling of the jimmies is strong in this one.
2108041 That reminds me, what exactly are "Jimmies?" Anyone know?
2108316 The Rustling of Jimmies is a term used when an individual is is aggravated or caused similar displeasure.
drawception.com/pub/panels/2012/4-21/mrSGaAA97b-2.png this is why pinkie is soooo damn mad at him...
2105181 I was thinking about adding them after your second comment, that one:
2104001 initially I just didn't want them in the list of characters, but I guess you are right. I'll add them for now.
2107550 That only seems so because it goes over into the next chapter without interruption. (You mean the end of chapter 2 right?)
2108041 I will try my best, but if I have to rewrite large portions there may be a small delay.
2108501 I almost died laughing
2108024 i45.tinypic.com/34fnn1f.jpg
...there's too much going on here.
I think I will keep on this story like I keep on blue angel (that's pretty damm close)
Time to sign officially
King Lazaro Sol of Ziolia
Yes you did, he has made some progress in the story, things seem to be working out fine. Although Gilda seems to be making her move on him now, this will cause problems with his crush at the moment.
2109940
Strange, I didn't get a notice from you when you made your reply to me, but thanks for finally adding them in the story it appears to make more sense to me now.
After those scenes with Nurse Redheart, Gilda, and Rarity, I have only this to say; I really, REALLY hope you aren't leading to the twist I think you're leading to. I hope that it is just one changeling that is either enamored with and/or feeding off of him, but if over half the town is made of changelings (which I am beginning to suspect) that would ruin so much of the story for me. I do want to see Anon somehow reconcile with the Mane 6 and if scenes where some of that is accomplished turn out to be fake I'll be very disappointed. It is your story though; you do what you want and I'll stick with it until the end.
Now with that out of the way, to my fellow readers; assuming that was the real Gilda that bit into him, any idea/theory on what that means? Is this something eagles or lions do?
~Staples
If changelings hadn't been introduced I would have said this guy was losing his mind.
2109940 You magnificent bastard, that couldn't have been said any better. I can't wait!
We must rename this magnificent story to 'Apple Family Food Orgies'. immediately!
Okay here's what you don't do. If you don't follow the changeling path, and instead head towards the
'hallucination' type plot I advise you to stop. I say that Anon is merely in a earth hospital while
employees and others are reminding him to take his pills which he continually neglects and forgets.
Thus, leaves him believing he is in a pony land. If This (<----- those words) are true then the whole
emotional, thrill and relatability of this story crumbles. Don't do that.
You can't tell him what to do!
I'm not, I'm just advising him to stay away from a cliche and a heartbreak to many readers.
You're still being forceful.
Like I give a buck, I have no reputation here to ruin.
Shut up! The both of you!
... A good story, but it's a mess with very little structure. Not Thumbs Up, but certantly not Thumbs Down.
2110229
Afaik both, actually, but for different reasons. In this case I'd say it's part of her avian heritage: Biting is among the behaviours birds use to work out dominance between mates, and usually gets worse during breeding season; as is trying to herd your mate into a secluded and safe spot. Note how the exchange went:
1: Gilda showing off her flight skills and throwing a pose (incidentally, at least partly bald eagle courtship behaviour)
2: Her herding Anon into a secluded and "safe" spot (perhaps only to do this in secret - still noteworthy)
3: Showing Anon she's stronger than he is
4: Giving him a bite hard enough to draw blood, but not a truly serious injury
5: Seeing that he's too cowed to meet her eyes afterwards, and "laughing joyfully"
All signs point to Gilda just having shown her dominance over - and too - her prospective mate.
2111715 This man for president! He has common sense!
Chapter 4 is up, this is one of my personal favorites.
Someone needs to make a picture of anon standing on a cliff with as a superhero with sdm on his chest.
That sounds a lot like the last party I went to back home, dear god! That was a lot of cyanide! I was drunk for a week and a half after the party! (With minimal drinking in the following week) that was a party to celebrate my reelection as the king and it was the trillionth one so we kind of went a little COMPLETELY INSANE on that one.
The perpetually drunken ziolian king
Lazaro Sol
Mlp law #4
Make fluttershy cry! You will probably die!
Phew, I guess my fears were unfounded when it came to Gilda and the town. It also seems like that commenter from the previous chapter was almost completely right! Congratulations Derpsby.
Anon made a very wise decision in keeping his mouth shut.
The chapter was certainly fun, if a tiny bit predictable, and it is great to see Anon has more or less been officially become part of Ponyville. So only two real questions remain; now what, and what the heck were the Diamond Dogs doing at the party (just being jerks?)? This chapter more or less resolves what has been the main conflict, so a new one is going to have to open up.
And then Anonymous has no memory of anything that happened the next day.
Looks like it's official Gilda is now his girlfriend and it's like she sort of took that away from him by destroying the crush like that. It's kind of sad, but it's kind of fun to see a mislead like that for a bit. I just hope he doesn't end up leaving with Gilda though. ^^; Also it seems like the ponies are no longer mad at him thanks to the fact that they have roughly 3 months to cool it off. Now if only he can avoid losing his virginity to them and only lose it to the one he really likes.
hammered rainbow is good rainbow
...you need a grammar checker.
so if this guy is such a "badass" why was he his shit tossed around so easily? shouldn't his body react defensively with muscle memory?( if he even had any training).
I for one am going to truly miss Nurse Redheart's possible non-changeling romance with Anon.
Hmph.
You still get a pastry for the trophy-wife; that made me laugh.
2116080 Please forgive me, I'm still struggling with the english language.
2116083 If you think that Anon got tossed around until now, I can give you and everyone else a pretty good preview for what's happening when Gilda comes back:
i46.tinypic.com/5kmzyf.jpg
2118800try getting an editor. a lot of people do it and most do it for no reward. i do at least.
That rainbow is a spoi!
e621.net/data/b2/fb/b2fb37c84c93d437eb8be6197e1b0ebb.jpg