My name is Red Thunder. I was captured by Zebra Scouts, can anypony hear me? Cloudsdale was just hit with a megaspell, I think they got Fillydelphia too. Is anypony reading me? I repeat, this is Red Thunder. I was captured by stripes, but escaped. Damnit... I should have tried harder. I failed, Equestria. I'm sorry... I think I'll... take a quick nap... tired...
A/N: Skybound on the MLP forums made me an awesome cover photo. You should go check out his work.
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Not half bad, only a couple of teensy mistakes here and there. You've earned yourself a like and a favourite from me
2042217 This is unedited. I just finished it like an hour ago. My main editor has seemingly dropped off of the face of the earth.
Aside from a couple typos I couldn't really find anything I didn't like...
Sorry I've been unresponsive recently things got really crazy here, moving, getting kicked out of school, and losing ones job can definitely put a damper on editing and other stuff.
Hopefully you'll let me be your editor once more.
As for the typos and simple edits I would make:
A unicorn using a battle saddle? either that is a very powerful sniper rifle or he's not so great at levitation.
but my front and read hooves I think you meant: but my front and rear hooves
“What the Tartarus is wrong with you Zebras!?” might be better with "What in Tartarus is wrong with you Zebras!?"
pressed a button on the computer next to it. instead of computer remember that in the Fo:E universe they're generally referred to as terminals.
Other than that everything looks to be well in order for a great story.
(pre-emptive warning: rant ahead, take into consideration at your own account)
hmm, this looks relatively interesting, though it looks like you've fallen into the trap of having a very powerful protagonist from the get go (unless you're pulling some kind of amnesia plot line), thereby ruining much of the flavor of FO:E (for me at least), FO:E characters starting out (especially 'canned goods') should have trouble handling even one raider, whether because of shitty weapons, little/no ammo, innocence about the wasteland, and/or lack of skills, and even at/near the end when they have all their skills/weapons, they should still barely succeed/possibly almost die, because what they're facing is super OP, so if you start out with a very powerful character, the initial challenges have to be that much more powerful/deadly, and by the end the challenges are so OP that it's ridiculous, and/or you have a super powerful villain to begin with.
though it does look like this story will be set right after the megaspells fell, and the world DID go to complete shit, so I expect the dangers to be so high that even mister super-sniper would have trouble surviving, color me cautiously interested
good chapter