I'm not entirely sure this merits a "Teen" rating anymore.

unexpected clop. no thankyou.

Wow I started reading this like half an hour ago and it then updates? Awesome

......not to be blunt, but this chapter didn't really have any sort of suspense or anything leading up to the clop, and it seemed kind of rushed

183425
183444

:V

183420

I agree. Change to Mature.

"Her eyes filled with sex"

My eyes are always filled with sex, so I wear condom glasses.

Um... What happened?

The quality of writing just went downhill from the first chapter, and suddenly it becomes a clopfiction? Wow... I'm sorry but, this was extremely misleading from your wonderful first chapter. Sorry, this isn't my cup of tea.

183450

:V

So... how and when exactly did this turn into a clop fic?.

Hee, what a naughty student you are Twilight Sparkle!

I enjoyed this story, it was funny and cheeky.

Well, THAT was unexpected. You had a lovely first, beautiful writing, well paced, with a nice plot.... and then this. Rushed, no plot whatsoever (you know what I mean), and the style change - I think I may actually have got whiplash from it. Besides which - clop just isn't my thing. So, yeah - slightly disheartened by this. You could have written a very nice shipping fic with but a single clop chapter as an optional addendum, but, well....

183485

About 2 hours ago when the second chapter posted?

Did....did twilight just take charge

Stop bitching about clop. If you don't like it, don't leave a comment. No one wants to hear your bellyaching.

Now, I do share their sentiments that this was incredibly rushed. It started out fine, but once she left Rarity's it just kind of zipped along. Now, given the context, I actually understand why it's that fast, but even the sex scene itself was sort of a bit too quick to get started. They both already like each other, so there's no need for pointless stupid drama that lasts twenty chapters before one of them grows a pair and goes "Hey, you're hot, why aren't we together yet?"

But yes. Take into consideration there needed to be a bit more draw-in there.

183567 - I think you've nailed it! Good fic but seemed a bit rushed....

183567 Umm...sorry, but isn't that what the comment section is for? I admit I was pretty surprised too at where this chapter went, and while clop in and of itself is no reason to complain, a sudden unexpected shift from T-rated slice of life with slight shipping elements into full-blown (ba-dum tish!) clop - with no warning whatsoever other than the sudden M-rating, and even that was only added on after the fact if the comments are anything to go by - most definitely is.

As for the chapter, I agree that it felt rushed. I got the impression that it was headed for a "turnabout is fair play" vibe, with Rainbow Dash really going to seed and Twilight then coming in as a personal trainer/diet assistant. Instead, sudden mare-on-mare action. Unlike many other commenters, I didn't mind the clop itself - the first masturbation scene in particular actually made sense in the story's context -, but I do mind the lack of buildup to the final scene. Everything resolved itself just that teensy bit too quickly and perfectly.

Way too rushed. Also, your indentation is all over the place. Some lines are indented less than others, even when both are the beginning lines of different paragraphs... If you're gonna indent, it's always gotta be even.

Wow. Great first chapter, and then - wha???? I'm not sure if you trolled your readers or just trolled yourself by taking the time to actually write this ...

ok, I got a problem with this.
First chapter: A tasteful and enjoyable story about Twilight overcoming one of her problems (in a somewhat nonspecific way), with a nice buildup and flow of events. Nothing notable rushed or bad about it.
Second chapter: starts out about as tasteful as the first chapter, and then suddenly we are treated to RD clopping. No buildup, no reasoning, just her suddenly starting to clop. then, a few more tasteful scenes, including Twilight trying to get RD out of her depression when, straight out of nowhere, BAM! Twilight kisses RD, and things just devolve into a quick and dirty (not to mention rushed) clopfest.
All I am saying is, Why did you decide to turn this into a clopfic, and what happened to the excellent pacing of the first chapter?

This could have been a nice story, but the rushed clop-bits kill it entirely.

Chapter one was fantastic the teen goes to mature and I'm like nah it can't be. Next thing I know it goes from a chubby twilight story to ima get in ur grill story like wtf man

Nice you tookit for that clop fic turn lol

I would like to point out I think, that chapter one was marked complete, and we all insisted on a follow up chapter, this is a lesson is be careful what you wish for...

and the other commentors, have you not noticed this guy usually does clop fic... so it was not unexpected

Well basically a broken record here, really rushed and all.
I also found quite a few places where words were left out, misspellings, and your indentation...It confuzzles me...

fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/031/9/c/rub_the_tummy_by_snakeman1992-d4n61jd.jpg

Random clop... Turned out good but it sure did rush to the ending a bit :(

I understand part 2 is vastly different from part 1 in the direction it turned. I would have liked to put it as a separate piece because it was so different, and as for how the story ends at Part 1 is more of a complete piece in that regards. But accordingly that would be wrong in a sense to have it as 2 separate stories.

sorry if story part 2 dissapointed. the story request was kind of specific as to what I wrote. O well.

Unexpected clop was unexpected
>Everyone Lesbians for Twi
CHECK
>TwiDash
CHECK
successful guess was successful

On a slightly more serious note, there feels like an overuse of ellipsis (I can tell it's to emphasis heavy breathing but it just seems a bit much), a couple sentences missing a comma or two, and maybe a word missing in one place.

It was okay considering I didn't expect it to wrap up so soon.

dat twist.

an unexpected clop chapter. Cool! I don't mind clop fics like these, but simply put if you don't like it don't read it. I've been exposed to sex before and it is nothing new. Good chapter overall, but geez some people.

What just happened?!? At first it was teen but then it was Clop

t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbFj_1XPp_hfORF9FmgAaU3OHF0GUSlhk0RMRXExYdpqu0r8Ej_QCBK2fo
Not sure if Gusta

What the hell just happened? That was... I mean... seriously, that was the most abrupt shift of story arc I have ever seen. Completely out of the blue. What could have been a decent development between rainbow and Twi, (rainbow not having faith in twi's own capabilities, not caring for her weight issue out of sympathy for a friend but because of self indulged competitiveness, her becoming dejected and envious because Twi proved her capableness without Rainbow's help and then got objective attention Dash craves, somehow provide catharsis, etc, etc, they friends in the end with greater mutual respect, yadda yadda) but then... shipping.
...

Nothing really wrong with that, but there was so little conflict and that was a neck-snapping twist right there...

186342

I just thought the prize was the memory of having rubbed Dashie's tummy.

Buck the complainers, this is one of the best fics I've read hands down, in my opinion anyway. Besides, who cares about clop? Sex is a natural part of a relationship, you silly fillies. Oh geez, I'm going to stop now before I sound too much like a 50 year old guidance counselor. But seriously, I could type up a couple of paragraphs about why sex shouldn't be demonized and be considered inappropriate.

While it certainly could have been drawn out longer, I think that what's done is now done. It was pretty fast, but it was still REALLY good. It was rushed. And let's face it, that's all anyone has against this right now. Lack of conflict. Bleh. The conflict was Dash's depression, jealousy, and general conflicted emotions that arrived because of Twilight's new body, and how that was resolved. I would think that's pretty obvious. Lack of conflict? There can be conflict that doesn't involve shouting and amour stealing, can't there?

Well, my comment is really biased and rude, because right now I'm revering Cosmo as a genius. Yeah, definitely REALLY biased.
However, things I liked: Rainbow's emotion over being fat came off in a really convincing way. That was the first thing that really made me start loving you, Cosmo (I reread to get the rest). Dash's internal monologue with herself before clopping was also brilliant. Other than that.... I don't even know. There was just something I loved about this that made me crave more.

186316 For someone who's avatar is a troll face a computer screen I would think you would thrive on something like this chapter, as opposed to . . . . . That was supposed to be a joke. It turned out bad.

I should really stop writing such massive comments.

191975 Sorry, but you need to read more. Abrupt tonal shifts are very difficult to pull off correctly, and in this case, it obviously didn't work out. The story went from some pretty subtle hints of TwiDash (one-sided hints, at that) at the end of chapter 1 to hot steamy lesbian pony sex not one chapter later. That's the textbook definition of "rushed". The problem is not with the sex itself (a lot of people did seem to mind that, but they're kind of missing the point). The problem is with the complete lack of buildup, particularly for Twilight. Sudden revelations of hidden feelings are such an overused technique in shipping fics that they need to be handled very carefully - doubly so if those feelings are then suddenly consummated - and that simply wasn't done here.

In short: The problem isn't with what's here, it's with what's missing.

And finally, if you liked the story, more power to you (I did enjoy large parts of it as well), but opening your comment with an ad hominem directed at the critics rather than their criticisms is not going to make your point any more effective. If you found the criticisms lacking, that's one thing (though saying "it is what it is, deal with it" is not exactly the height of debating finesse either when people are arguing what could have been done differently), but attacking the commenters rather than the comments? One of the textbook fallacies in debates. One that is admittedly used even in "professional" debates, but that doesn't make it any less of a fallacy.

Read the comments, all say the same thing. First chapter was 5/5 for creativity. Awesome piece of work.

Second chapter, 2.5/5 for... it felt like trying to shift without a clutch. I can't say I've could've done better but the clop scene just seemed contrived compared to others like it that I read. The complete personality reversal just threw me off entirely. Nothing in the story led to Twilight liking Rainbow in that way. Then all of a sudden, dominatrix Twilight raaaar.

Maybe splitting up the last chapter into two parts would have been the way to go.

Did somepony hijack your story and finish it for you?

I need closure after this great read. I think more of this would suffice, yes?

196459
Oh, he does. He reads, and comments on, quite a lot of shipfics. This is the first time I find myself disagreeing with him, but more because, for me, clop is well over the line of "SWEET CELESTIA DO NOT WANT"

And how do I quote comments?

Excellent first chapter, the second got a little weird on us, but ah well.

I was ALMOST suspecting that Twilight had devised some sort of weight-loss cupcake with Pinkie Pie, but that never came to fruition so oh well. Sometimes you just can't call 'em. Anyhoo, the concept behind the whole thing is a great idea, and it was skillfully executed, clop scene aside. Well done, I hope you write more stories, you've clearly got the raw talent to do well!

The story was great. The shipping and clop were terrible.

See, whilst there was about three hours gap before i read the ending section, I don't really see what everypony is complaining about. I thought it was pretty good.

188892

It had a romance tag from the very beginning, bro. Can't complain about 'sudden' shipping when shipping was implied right from the start.

People have done my speaking for me, yet I say no which.

183470
Win.
So much win.

Well, that was an unexpected turn of events. After the first chapter, I was expecting this one to reveal that Twilight was faking the fitness via some kind of illusion (or something along those lines). I really wasn't expecting it to turn into clop. Okay, the rating did suggest it would have clop, but I wasn't expecting it to show up anywhere near that quickly.

All-in-all, I think this second chapter seems dreadfully rushed. This kind of development would have been better if it had be spread out over a couple of chapters and a few in-universe months, given the scale of the changes to the characters.

Just leaving my token whine about it being a rushed, outta nowhere clop chapter. However it's worth mentioning that the ire seems to be coming from the fact that chapter 1 was so damn great.

I can't bring myself to upvote or fave. If it was the first chapter alone, I'd have slammed those buttons like a maniac, but I gotta judge this as a whole.

I'll keep this one tracked, on the off chance you decide to do an alternate chapter 2. fingers crossed