The Letter
To my friends, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy,
I’m sorry. All I ever wanted was to be a hero. That’s all I wanted. That’s why I did what I did. I hope you can forgive me. I will explain it all, here, in this letter. But I need to go back to the beginning. Back to the foalhood I never told any of you about.
Even back before I first started school, I never wanted to be just another face in the crowd. One of my greatest fears was being forgotten, seconded only by the fear of being remembered a failure. I want to be remembered a hero. That was all I ever wanted. Ever since I was little, I dreamt of being so much more than just another Pegasus.
There you go. That is the short version of why. That is what I have always felt. So, yeah, I guess that’s why I did what I did. That is the root reason of why I needed to be a hero so badly. I guess I should have told one of you that. But I also guess that, since you’re reading this, it’s too late now.
I’m not making sense, am I? Probably because I’ve keep changing tense, so I don’t blame you, although Twilight’s probably the only one who noticed. It’s just that I’m not sure what tense I should be writing this in. But I’m still being confusing, right? Don’t worry, all will be explained. We just need to start back at the beginning. Back to my foalhood and where my dreams, as well as my fears, started.
My parents had known that I held potential to do whatever I wanted. So they encouraged me as much as they could. They motivated me until they couldn’t. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to anymore, it’s just that it’s hard to offer encouragement when you’ve been burnt to a crisp. Lightning usually doesn’t hit Pegasus Ponies, but accidents happen. The night the storm ended and the medics told us what happened had been a cold one. Not in temperature, because warmth usually follows storms, but we felt cold. By “we” I mean my older sister and I. Yeah, I have a sister. Or had. I’m not really sure, because the morning after our parents died, I watched as my sister wandered around the house, packing up her bags. Then I watched as she just left. She didn’t say anything, just walked out the door. I haven’t seen or heard from her since. Not so much as a letter to let me know it she’s alright. For all I know, she’s a dead as our parents.
So after losing all of my family (I never knew my grandparents) in less than 24 hours, I was sent to the orphanage. I think that was where my fears really began. Life at the orphanage was hard, emotionally, if nothing else. While I was provided with food and shelter, I was given no love, I had no friends and there was certainly no motivation. That is where I grew up, that is where I lived my entire young life. I was never adopted. I moved out once I had enough bits and never looked back. But when I was young that was all there was. The orphanage was everything. It was where I was surrounded by other unwanted Pegasi foals, where it was all too easy to fade into the background.
I didn’t want to, not really, but I had no reason not to. So I allowed myself to get lost in the sea of faces and I slid away from my potential. I was willing to live my whole life that way and I was about to. But one day, I was reminded of what I once wanted to be.
OK, so maybe it was not just one day that I woke up and said ‘Hey, I want to be more than this!’ It was a process that I’m not sure when it ended. Or if it ever really did. But I do know where it began.
It started when I first saw another filly in flight school. I’d seen her in the hallways before, maybe in class once or twice, but I never really took notice of her. She was a weak flyer and bullied because of it. The filly was older than I was by two years, but we were in the same class. My parents had put me ahead a year due to so much potential and I guess she had been held back. When I first saw her getting picked on, she was just a reminder to me that there were worse fates than being ignored. But a few days later, I found myself watching her. I knew it was weird, but I didn’t stop. Not creepy watching, I just found that I was keeping an eye on her, looking out for her, even though I didn’t help her. I always stayed hidden behind the wall of faces, the sea of bodies, taking care that she never saw me. I was still wanting to be lost in the background. But the more I watched, the more I realized that I was wishing she would stand up for herself, put a stop to the bullying on her own. But she never did. A few more months passed and I knew she never would. I wanted to help her at that point, but I was too afraid. I was a coward, caring more for my own safety than that of others. I was unwilling to get hurt for anypony, at risk of my own pain. But one day the bullies said something that made me willing to help her. More than willing, I felt the need to help her.
I don’t recall exactly what they said, but I remember they had been teasing her about her lack of a cutie mark. The bullies, three colts, were older than me but younger than her; the same age as most in our class. I had no mark of my own, so I knew the pain they were inflicting on her. I’m not sure what it was exactly that made me so angry, but know I was mad enough to fly out and give the leader a hard buck to the face. His two cronies were too shocked to do anything, so I had time to send them both to the ground with sharp jabs to the gut. Do you remember that day, Fluttershy? Do you remember how I didn’t say anything to you, how I didn’t even glance at you? I do. I remember that I just took off, just like that.
Although I was almost sure they would, the colts never told on me. Probably because they would have had to admit that they’d gotten beat by a filly in order to do that. I expected you to try and find me, to thank me. But you never did, Fluttershy. Why? Did you not want to thank me? Or were you too afraid? I’m betting the second one, now that I know you.
But that incident changed something. It made me feel like a hero and I liked that feeling. You saved me, Fluttershy. I want you to know that. You probably think that I was the savoir, but it was you that reawakened my wish to stand out, that reawakened who I was. Not by much, but enough that I felt the need to watch over you, to protect you, maybe to repay the favor you had done me. So I watched you, waiting for the opportunity to present itself. But for the next month, the bullies did nothing to either of us. I was almost ready to fall back into the crowd, to forget my old wish once again when they went back to their old ways. But again, I only watched. I was so close to falling back on bad habits, it was easier to let her deal. And I think I wanted Fluttershy to stand up for herself. But you never did, did you? Did you know I would help you again? Did you want me to help you again, to become friends with me? Where you just too afraid, perhaps too kind? Whatever the reason, I’m glad it happened, because I think I felt the same way. I only watched for a week that time, before I helped you again. No more physical fights, or at least not many. Instead, I had an arsenal of verbal comebacks, ready for use at any time. I didn’t stay long, though, after the battles. I would always leave right after the bullies fled. I never said anything to you. But each time, I heard you whisper your thanks. One day, I stayed. I stayed and listened to your gratitude. I stayed and we talked. Not for long, but it broke the ice. I started hanging back more and more, for a little longer each time, until we became friends. I never told you about my home life, never invited you over. Did you wonder why, Fluttershy? You never asked. Is that because you never thought to, or did you guess I didn’t want to talk about? Or, maybe, you mentioned it once. Did you? If you did, I blocked it from my memory. I know I never told you. Until now. When it doesn’t really matter.
Anyway, I’m off topic. Sorry about that. But what is here is important, because it shows that I always needed to be a hero. This need grew over the years. Throughout all of our schooling, I was Fluttershy’s guardian. When I became the Element of Loyalty, I thought that would make me enough of a hero. When I found out none of us would have our cutie marks without me, I thought I would have satisfied my search for fame. It did, but only to a point. It was enough, but it left with the feeling that I needed to do more, so that ponies would not forget me. I felt I always needed to be a hero, constantly proving my worth of the title. I know it looked like I let it get to my head, but that was only to cover up my fear. I was so afraid to let anypony down. I was afraid and I was trapped.
I was trapped. Trapped in a cycle that was endless and painful. The more fame I got, the more I felt the need to keep up the image, to show that I can be a hero. The more I felt that I needed to be a hero, the more heroics I did. The more heroics I did, the more fame I got. Round and round and round I went, unable to stop. It was like a drug. I needed more, always. So I kept going around, gaining more speed and more speed as time went on. I probably would have kept going until I went insane, or snapped, or overworked myself, or something else, if not for Mare Do Well.
She was, is, everything I was and more. She is fast and strong. She is modest, a trait I will never learn. She was also a competitor. She was a threat. I had to be better than her. I don’t think you understand my need to be the best. I don’t think you ever will. It was so important to me. I saw it as the only thing I could do to be remembered, to be notice, to not fade away. I couldn’t fade away. Not again. What If my sister came back to try and find me, but I had been forgotten by everypony? What If the Elements where needed again, but I had vanished into the background? I couldn’t let that happen. I just couldn’t. So I tried to be better than Mare Do Well. I tried with everything I had. But it was not enough. I was not enough. I watched, helpless, as she replaced me, not just in Ponyville, but in our group. Remember how you would talk about her, praise her? Did you see the pain it caused me? I tried so hard to hide it. Maybe I hid it too well. Maybe if I didn’t hide it, one of you would have stopped me, helped me. But it wasn’t like that. Again, I kept everything to myself. Again, I felt myself slipping. But there was another again that took place. Again, Fluttershy came to my rescue. And again, I’m not sure she knew she was helping me. The two of us had been walking around. Just walking and talking. I asked you if anything was happening in the animal world, do you remember, Fluttershy? I tried to ask casually and I must have succeeded because you told me what I wanted to hear. Fluttershy, please don’t feel bad for telling me about the Hydra. Twilight, AJ, Pinkie, Rarity, please do not be mad at her for telling me that the Hydra was planning an attack on Ponyville. I’m not sure why it was, I never asked. I would have thought that Froggy Bottom Bog seems too far away for the beast to be bothered by anything we do here, but apparently the Hydra disagreed.
Anyway, this was my chance! There was no way Mare Do Well could know about the Hydra. There was no chance of Fluttershy stopping it; she said that her attempts to reason had so far failed. If I could beat the Hydra, I would be the hero again! Nothing Mare Do Well could be better than saving the town from a rampaging monster. I would go to the Bog, have a “talk” with the Hydra and come back the Savoir of Ponyville. There was no chance of me being called a liar because Fluttershy could back me up about the impending attack. It was a foalproof plan. But- What If? I’d been plagued with these thoughts, these “What If”’s for so long now. There was no way I would get beaten, but What If I was? What If, What If, What If. So here is the compromise I came up with. This letter. I have written this letter just in case the What If becomes What Is. I am going to hide this letter in my house, where only Fluttershy can find it. I think she will know where to find it. I guess she did, if you’re reading this. I hope that you never have to read this. If you are reading this, I’m sorry. If you are reading this, you know of why I always was so brave. You now know that all I ever wanted to be was a hero. If you’re reading this, then I went off to face the Hydra and never came back.
If you are reading this letter, I’m dead.
Hopefully I took that Hydra down with me.
So, this is the part where I should get all sappy. Only I won’t. Because I know I will be back, I know you will never have to read this. But I am writing this assuming that you will read it, so here is what I need to say.
Rarity. We never got along well, did we? You always wanted me to stay still. I never should have gotten so snappy all those times, but I am who I am, right? Or was. I’m still not really sure what the proper tense for this is. Which one have I been using? Anyway, I think the two of us had more in common than we thought. We both care so much about what other ponies think of us. We both want to help our friends. We both have big dreams. It seems I finished one of mine. Now you go achieve yours. Go be the greatest fashion designer in all of Equesrtia. I know you can do it. Never give up, Rarity.
Twilight. I may not have known you for very long, but you taught me so much. You may have had your nose stuck in a book a little too often for my taste, but you are who you are. I could always come to you with a problem I needed solving. I’m sorry if I ever offended you. And I was wrong, you’re not an egghead. You’re a friend. I’m sorry I ever called you that. But that did end up as a great letter to Princess Celestia. I’m sure this will too. But I do wish I knew you better. But I know you’ll be fine. Just keep studying, Twilight Sparkle.
Applejack. What is there to say? You have always been my most level-headed friend. I could always count on you to be straight up with me, or to keep me out of trouble. How many times did you have to grab my tail to keep me from charging head first into something? Remember the Running of the Leaves? We may have been competing, but I knew that nothing could get in the way of our friendship. Stay strong, Applejack.
Pinkie Pie. Remember how we met? I’d heard that Fluttershy had moved to Ponyville and that you were throwing her a party. How did that go again? Did I blast into Sugarcube Corner at top speed, trying to stop the party that was already in full swing? Yup, that was it. My warning was too late, if I recall correctly. Fluttershy was trying to sneak away when I burst in, but she had already been terrified by all the ponies. I flew her home and came back to yell at you, but you just turned her party into mine since you had never seen me before. After that, I always knew I could go to you for a laugh. Keep on smiling, Pinkie Pie.
Fluttershy. Thank you. Thank you for saving me, not once, but twice. Thank you for being my first friend. If you are reading this, then I may be dead, but I will have died a hero. Probably. I’m assuming that I took the Hydra down with me. Anyway, thank you for letting me live out my final dream. Thank you for understand that I would tell you about my past when and only when I was ready. Thank you for everything. Words cannot describe how much you meant to me. Never forget me, but do not dwell on the past. Live your life, Fluttershy. Become the pony that you want to be. One last time, thank you. For everything. Thank you so, so much, Fluttershy.
I guess that’s it, then. I have one more point I want to be clear. This was not Fluttershy’s fault. It is nopony’s fault. Except maybe Mare Do Well. If you ever meet her, tell her… I’m not sure. Think of something cool and tell her I said that. The blame is not all on her, but some of it. If there is any blame. Because, like I said before, this is only a precaution. I will come back. I will be a hero. You will never read this letter. But in case the unthinkable happens, I want to stress that nothing is Fluttershy’s fault. She told me about the Hydra because I asked her. She did not know what I had planned. Nopony is to blame her.
So, I guess that’s all I have to say. I’m off to fight the Hydra. When I get back, I will burn this letter. Nopony will ever see this. But once again, if anypony does see this, do not pity me. I am not saddened by death. I will see my parents again, maybe even my sister. If I died, I died a hero. If I died a hero, then that is how I will always be remembered.
So, goodbye, I guess.
Rainbow Dash
PS. Somepony better tell Scootaloo. I think she’ll be fine, there are other ponies for her to follow. Tell her that she was like a little sister to me and that I’m sorry I had to leave her the way my sister left me. Oh and tell Spike that he can have my Wonderbolt Action Figures. To remember me by. Oh, and all of you can take any of my stuff you want. But you won’t get to because I will beat the Hydra.
Bye for real this time,
Even though I’m coming back,
Rainbow Dash
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Oh wow, this is nice alternatitive to Mare-Do-Well, i like it. i hope you will continue!
I shouldn't be reading anything tragic. Not today. Not this week. Not in this mood.
But this story, I couldn't resist. And I wasn't disappointed. Maybe a bit more depressed, but most certainly not disappointed.
And to my delight I see that this is incomplete! I shall be waiting for more, this seems like a ton of potential!
I like it
And once again, my Read later list has grown
dark chaos emerald:i blam mare do well.that bitch
And another fix fic about that episode.
I don't blame you it relly was a piece of shit (the only episode that I'd call it that).
Why would Fluttershy know about a giant monster attack and not tell anyone? I'm not sure I understand, did Fluttershy have this attack written down on her calendar?
"Hey Fluttershy, how are your animals?"
"Oh. . . um, you know, Mr. Squirelly has a fur appointment tomorrow, Angel is cleaning his burrow this week, a Hydra is going to try and level Ponyville next Wednesday. . ."
2105507 First of all, thank you for your honesty. I truly appreciate comments such as yours that point out the little things that I miss.
Now for the explanation.
Fluttershy truly believed that she could convince the Hydra not to attack. She was planning on giving it one last shot before telling somepony.
Yeah, looking back at this, that is a flimsy excuse. Oh well, too late to change it.
Other than that, I hope you liked this.
2105562
Personally, I think 'death by heroics' is the most in character form of suicide for RD to take (as in character as suicide could be for a technicolor pony). The rest wasn't bad by any means, but that plot hole just stuck out and made the story hard to swallow.
Oh well, I'm still gonna read this, haha.
What was the quote from BTVS that you used?
I tried writing an alternate ending to this episode once, but it sucked.
Yours, however, is amazing.
Keep up the good work.
THE FEELS
2105562
A lot of things they all did were flimsy
Yup, the girls f*cked up real bad.