The fortress
For days they traveled over roads till they turned to dirt, then from dirt they disappeared altogether. They traveled over fjords and forests.
They traveled more than anyone could ever want to. Mordane began to grow weary of the trail. Mentally mulling over just how little people conveyed the amount of walking required for an adventure. Nor how many latrines one would be digging.
Setting up camp went smoothly, just as it had the previous day. When it was nearly time to go to sleep Mordane spoke to Boulder before walking away from the site, ostensibly for a few minutes alone. A few minutes later, Star Charmer met up with him.
"You were brilliant fighting those thugs." She said quietly as she slid right up beside him. The moon was high in the sky, its shining brilliance obscured only by the wild clouds that were prevalent in this area so far from civilization.
"It was a simple thing, I'm sure one of the others could have come up with it." Mordane blushed, hugging his legs.
Star giggled, snuggling up close.
"Really? No, they are too set in their ways. Which reminds me…"
The pain came out of nowhere, sending little stars into his eyes. It took him a few moments to realize Star Charmer had hit him in the back of the head. He blue eyes practically skewering him.
"What’s wrong with you? Why didn't you tell me your age?"
Mordane smiled at her with a big toothy grin.
"Well, truthfully I'm about forty. So in years of experience, I am your elder."
She blinked before suddenly snorting and covering her mouth as they both broke into a laughter. It took a minute but eventually they calmed down and gazed up at the silent moon.
"After this adventure where will you be going?" Star Charmer whispered.
"A town called Ponyville. I'm going to go to the school and enroll there. They have nothing to teach me, but I will be able to use the library...I'm told it's of high quality."
"You will still need a teacher." She was staring at the ground and her voice was on the quiet side.
"Are you offering?" Mordane could not believe what he was hearing.
"I... Yes. I am."
"What of your study?" Mordane frowned
"... Some things are more important." she whispered pulling him in close.
Mordane and Star looked into each other’s eyes. He saw something he would have never imagined one of these ponies would honestly feel for him.
"Love."
His face grew hot as something stirred inside his own heart. Something he had not felt for nearly two decades. Something he had thought that wasn't for him anymore.
His face scrunched in pain, old memories surfacing. A women. An end.
But did he really want that to stop him? New world, new life?
"What’s wrong?" Star Charmer asked.
"I-I am uncertain about this."
“Oh Mordane…" she said, touching him. "...I want to be with you, I really do, but your body's to young. Nopony would understand. Let’s wait a few years for the physical stuff."
Mordane knew he could wait, but still his heart ached. He bit his bottom lip, shifting his eyes up at her, then back down again. Finally he settled on a course of action, as a part of him demanded something to prove it was real.
"You’re right, but… Just a kiss?" He said hopefully.
She blushed touching her lips a few moments before they turned up into a soft smile.
"...Okay, one."
Mordane pulled away, shaking.
"Oh God..." He shivered, sniffling.
"Mordane!?" She gasped leaning over him. "What’s wrong?"
"I'm sorry its just...I lost someone. Someone I loved."
Star Charmers ears wilted. Her eyes looking hurt before hardening. Pulling him into an embrace she whispered.
"Tell me about her."
"She was...beautiful. Perfect." He leaned back and gave her a firm kiss on the cheek. "Much like you."
Star Charmer blushed. The pink only showing in the light purple coat because of its intensity.
"Hey now. I said one."
The two of them giggled.
And so they kissed again, both knowing it could go no further. He may be older than her but his body was still young. Most would not understand that he was no child. Even so, she held him tenderly. Her hooves wrapped around his barrel, pulling him against her.
Both their faces a bright, fiery red.
Weeks of travel, each night Mordane and Star Charmer snuck away.
These moments together were precious to Mordane. A time that he associated with his happiest memories from his past life. A reminder of youth and innocence lost.
Star grew more beautiful to him as each day passed. He started to like everything about her. Her swirl and star of a mark and especially her deep blue eyes.
The fears of his parents seeming so far away.
Mordane would keep these memories held tight for the rest of his life. Feelings of fresh love and spring flowers. The future bright.
A looming hoof, casting it in shadow.
The party was standing on a hill formed at the base of a mountain. The fortress was much more intact than Mordane would have thought. Even so, its outer edges had started to crumble. The cracks could be seen everywhere as chunks of stone laid strewn on the ground.
It was a simple design. Mostly square with a moat surrounding it. Large enough to be called a fortress. It was not setup how Mordane traditionally thought of forts though. This one was embedded in the mountain and must have been quite impressive in its prime.
A broken symbol was carved on the side in relief depicting Luna standing with her wings around the moon and the world.
"Listen up, everypony. We will be going into the abandoned fort." Boulder was marching in front of them, a serious look in his eyes. "There may be traps and such. Runner, you take point. Solar, you are with him. Unicorns in the back, earth ponies in the middle. Standard formation ponies."
Making their way down the valley, they found themselves in front of two large wooden doors. Sugar and Boulder pushed them open with ease and the party was faced with the dark corridor within.
"Just like old times, eh Boulder?" chuckled Runner.
"Aye, I still think you should have stayed in reconnaissance."
"Bah! I wouldn't want to be flying alone forever, now would I?" He glanced at Solar who blushed.
"Ha! Yes, I suppose some stallions want that." He chuckled, looking around. The group made their way forward into a chamber. Two of the three corridors before them were collapsed. The room itself was surprisingly barren save for some skeletons lying on the ground.
They walked in cautiously, looking around. A chill seemed to hang over the place as they looked around. Mordane tried to draw magic but the power was ripped from him. Runes flared to life. Around him, he could feel old spells flare to life. The magic seemed to be directed at the... bones.
"You have got to be kidding me." moaned Mordane.
The bones rolled across the ground as suits of dark armor floated over. Soon there were ten skeleton soldiers in front of them, their mouths agape in a silent scream.
"BLOODY CELESTIA! WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!" shouted Runner.
"Stay together. This is dark magic. STAR, MORDANE! Can you break the spell? They will probably keep reforming." Boulder commanded.
"Yes-yes, just give us a minute."Star looked at Mordane and they both began to channel power. It was harder than normal. He could feel a pull reaching for the energy as runes flashed to life around the structure. weakened but still functioning even after all this time.
The runes seemed set to prevent magic. It would take some time to rip away enough energy to cast even a small spark.
"One minute till we’re ready Boulder!" she shouted.
"Might as well be forever!" Boulder spat, swinging at the first creature.
The tight space prevented maneuvers. Boulder broke the skeletons apart with his sword and kicks but they simply reformed. It was a futile struggle, but they could not retreat. If they gave any room then the skeletons would overrun them. Sugar fought like a mad thing. No movement was wasted. Even Boulder seemed surprised. Runner seemed to be tiring quickly.
In the end, the two mages finally collected enough energy to cast the spell. It was rather simple just to cut the binding to the bones.
With a shudder, the skeletons fell apart and left the party panting. Soon, Star Charmer spoke up.
"What sort of monsters would do that to anypony? It takes a mind to fight like that. That armor had a soul bound to it. Those soldiers were alive when that was done to them..."
"They were likely volunteers." The others turned to Boulder, confused looks on their faces. "That was armor from the Lunar War."
"Lunar War…you mean when Nightmare Moon tried to bring eternal night?" Solar asked.
"Yes, we must be careful. Lunar soldiers were trained with dark magics. Necromancy, destruction, soul...nothing was forbidden."
The group moved with caution into the next corridor. As they continued to walk, Runner had the lead. He was flying about four feet off the ground when he yelled.
"Stop! Look there!" He pointed to a spot on the floor like any other. "That’s a pressure plate. See the faint outline? Ok, stay back. I need to make sure there is no mo-"
*SHUNK!*
The rest of them just stared.
There had been a trip wire suspended in the air. When he hit it, nine evenly spaced spikes in a grid came out of the wall and skewered him. He died instantly.
"RUNNER!" Solar screamed as Boulder grabbed her from behind. Star Charmer turned and threw up. Mordane stared at Cloud Runner's eyes.
Something from his past echoed in him. Reaching out to grip his heart and freeze him in place.
Intellectually, he had known that somepony could die, that it wouldn't affect him as badly. Yet here he was again, blood pooling at his feet,
No, at his hooves.
"I barely knew him... Now I'll never know why he had to leave his hometown."
He felt sick. Slowly, Mordane walked over to make sure the area was safe.
Boulder sat, comforting the wailing pegasus. Star Charmer and Mordane spent this time slowly using magic to clear the way down the hallway. It was slow going. They both talked about him and said good things, but both knew it was a great loss. They found rooms, booby traps, and even more skeletons. On the walls hung banners of the moon. It was hard going. Grueling, even. In the end, however, they found themselves before a large, magically sealed door.
Star Charmer looked at him and nodded. Together, they pulled on what power they could and broke the seal. Boulder pushed open the doors to what appeared to be a natural cavern. There was rusted armor and weapons all over the wall.
"Look around for valuables." Boulder had a defeated look on his face. He had brought his friend out here. Then he died. Now there was no treasure. His debtors would come.
"I think, I think I found something." Star charmer whispered.
"Let me see." Boulder said coming right up to her.
Solar had found a chest and was pulling it into the center of the room. With a nod from Boulder Star’s horn glowed, the lock popped off, and the chest opened.
The inside was filled with gold and gems. The worried look on Boulder’s face went away but he did not smile.
"Runner would have been glad that we found something." He said solemnly.
Solar began to cry again.
*Clap-Clap-Clap*
The party turned. There, at the door, were four ponies. They were fanning out with swords drawn. Two were the same ponies from the town. Now, however, they were fully armored. The lead pony stepped forward. He was wearing a cloak. His eyes glowed red from beneath his hood.
"Well, well. Congratulations. I never actually thought that there would be treasure in here. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Blackheart. Nice to meet you. My soldiers have told me much."
"Back off." Boulder stood up, readying his sword. "We outnumber you."
The stallion smiled. "Oh yes, that's right. You killed my two fellow unicorns. I imagine they would want revenge for that... Forward." Out of the dark hallway two more bodies stepped forward. It was the very same unicorns that had been killed in the fight the night before last, their eyes now glazed white and with drool running freely from their mouths. "They may be unable to use magic but that doesn’t mean they’re useless. Soldiers… kill them."
The thugs charged. Boulder, Solar, and Sugar met them.
Mordane, however, could not watch them. He was locked in battle with the unicorn. He and Star were battering him with everything they had, but the strength of the pony before them was too much.
"Oh, how romantic. Two foals going to fight me. A bit personal for my taste, though." There was a glow from the Necromancer. Then he frowned looking closer at Star Charmer "Are you not a little old for him?"
A glowing sphere appeared around Blackheart and a beam of energy leaped out at Star. The mare had a barrier ready, but he was too strong. The shield cracked, Star looked afraid, and then it shattered. During this entire time, Mordane was casting his spells. Balls of stone broke into dust on Blackheart’s shield. Stone spikes were stunted before even leaving the ground. Explosive spells found their energy absorbed. He watched as the beam broke through and hit Star in the horn.
She cried out as her horn shattered and she collapsed to the ground like a ragdoll.
"Star Charmer! No!" Mordane felt a rage build in his heart. Old wounds ripping open.
"NOT AGAIN! NOT LIKE MARIA!"
His will snapped into focus and he screamed. He grabbed all the power he could and hurtled it at the figure before him.
Solar Black was already unconscious. Boulder’s eyes were staring distantly at his foes. Sugar was collapsed, bleeding, in the corner. The two undead unicorns collapsed as Mordane pulled the energy from their bodies. Boulder charged the two remaining goons.
Mordane willed a jet of flame into being and poured his rage into it.
The shield around Blackheart rippled madly as the fire streamed into it, but still held strong as his aggressor fell to his knees, unable to sustain the attack any longer.
The black-coated mage laughed. "It seems you were able to pull energy from my flesh avatars. It's too bad really; you could have had quite the potential. Unfortunately for you, however, you have one major flaw.”
Mordane was shaking from exhaustion as Blackheart walked over to the unicorn mare.
"What are you doing?"
"I am teaching you something. Do you know why you could not defeat me? Despite that rather impressive spell at the end there?"
"..."
"Your will is lacking. Every one of those stones that you threw at me... Aimed at non vital areas. Interesting spell, by the way, I may even take it for myself. However, back to the matter at hoof. What you lack is killing intent."
With that, he stood over Star Charmer. She looked at the young alicorn and said only one thing before passing.
"Mordane, I lo-" An electric bolt struck her, burning a small hole just above the heart. Mordane's eyes burst into tears. Something in him-.
-Broke.
"Star Charmer... Maria. Not again."
Mordane shook, staring at where Star Charmer lay.
"You lack conviction. We would have been unable to even follow if you had killed all of my men in the village, but no. You let four dangerous ponies run away. Now you are paying the price for your morality."
Boulder stood, his foes defeated all around him, but gravity pulled heavily and he sunk to the floor, unconscious.
Blackheart chuckled and the chest floated over to him. As he walked out, he cast a spell to collapse the entrance and chuckled.
Mordane's cry of anguish reverberated through the room as his mind began to fade into a deep sleep.
The young pony sat in the chill, away from the fire. Boulder had woken him the day before and neither had slept since. Boulder was busy tending to Sugar and Solar. Mordane, however, was staring at a pile of rocks.
Star Charmer, the only female he had ever loved, lay under there. Boulder took a moment and walked over to him.
"Mordane, I know she was your mentor, bu-"
"Silence." Boulder stopped cold, a chill running up his spine.
"You do not know what she was to me..." Boulder stood a little taller now, understanding why this hit the colt so hard.
"We all have those we like, son. You are young. In time-"
"No," Mordane cut in. "This was no foalhood fancy. I loved her and she loved me."
"I do-"
"We kissed."
Boulder stood there, wetness coming into his eyes. He placed his hoof on the colt's shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"You weren't supposed to. We were going to wait. Until I came of age..." Mordane began to cry. Boulder left him to his grief.
Hours passed, but with time Mordane pulled himself back together. He was not a child. Pain was... just another emotion. To be controlled like any other. He stood and wrapped a lock of her hair in cloth and slipped it behind the Clandestine Bracelet. Walking over to the others, he stood over Solar.
"She doesn't have much time," Boulder whispered.
Mordane nodded as he sat down. Soon afterwards, Solar stirred and opened her eyes.
"Wha…what?"
"Shh, it’s ok. The fight is over."
"I-I am so tired." she said shakely
"It's ok, shh." He gave her a drink of water which was just spit back up.
"....How bad is it." she asked. Boulder winced but there is no lying to somepony on a deathbed.
"Your injuries were severe. I do not think you will make it... Not that any of us will."
She didn't seem surprised by the news. After a few moments, her voice came out again, this time shallower than before. "Why not?"
"The necromancer collapsed the entrance. We’re sealed in."
Her breathing was speeding up and she seemed unable to keep her head up. "No, there is a way... I read it in Daring Do books. You always need a second opening to draw air into the back of the cave."
Mordane frowned. It was true, the air should be stale and damp.
"A secondary passage. To allow the air in? Yes..." Mordane moved away from the mare and toward the only pony made section of the cave wall.
"I wondered why this was here. Look, there is a hole right there near the top. Let's see, hmmm."
Mordane turned and bucked the wall.
He had only expected the stone to echo but instead a whole section of the wall slid in. The wall was very thin and the mortar had degraded centuries before. Mordane got to work and soon there was an opening big enough to go through.
Inside was a corridor. Looking right, he saw a series of rotting ropes.
"Must have been some kind of switch to get in here."
On his left, there was a table with a cupboard on top and two chests beside it.
"What have you found?" Boulder walked through the opening with Sugar on his back.
"An exit, I think. What about the one you checked?"
"Dead, Internal bleeding I think."
"Yeah, there are two chests here, both smaller than the one in the main room."
"Have you opened them?"
"No." Mordane cast a spell and moved the chests one at a time onto the table.
Opening him, he did not even care that they were full of strange bits.
"Must be Lunar currency... I'll give you Star’s share... She would have likely wanted that." Boulder began splitting it. Putting Mordane's in one and the rest in the other. "I'll give the shares of our lost members to their families."
Mordane did not answer. Instead, he opened the small cupboard. On the inside were runes and no dust. Three books sat along with a few more trinkets.
"I'll take the books, could be interesting." Boulder only nodded.
The remainder of their group followed the tunnel. In time, it came to an end with only a small beam of light shining from above a boulder.
"I won't be able to move that," Mordane whispered.
"You can, Mordane." Boulder said just as quietly, staring at the young pony. "She would want you to survive."
Mordane focused. He had thought for hours about what Blackheart had said. It eventually came to him that he had been right.
"If I had been stronger, she would still live. I wouldn't be feeling this pain again. If I had taken the lead, maybe the others would have as well... I let the girl I love die. I have two choices: either I wither away or use it to become stronger. I will live, not for me, but for her. I will live on and I will carry this pain with me."
Boulder’s eyes widened as the light encompassed the whole boulder. It would have been easier to just roll it. He turned to say so to Mordane, but stopped at his look. His eyes of stone.
"This stone will not defeat me. Always moving forward, I will grow stronger. For her not for myself. No more weakness. I will master all magic even if it takes my entire life. I cannot be trapped here. No! THIS STONE WILL MOVE!!!"
With a shudder, the boulder moved free of the cave entrance. The three of them moved out and found themselves on a road running along a mountain. Looking around, they could see trees in the distance.
"What!? Umm… Er, welcome to the Bucking Bridle! You lookin' for anything in particular? We got ridin' crops, Scent of Heat, contraceptive charms- Say, have we met somewhere before?"
Placing the stone out of the way, Mordane was surprised to see Smut Peddler hooked up to his caravan in front of him. He only hesitated a moment, however.
"No we haven't." Just a little lie... "These two could use transport, though."
"Well, I don't normally do transport, but that pony seems really hurt! I'll take them. No fee. Umm, where will you be going to?"
Mordane looked around.
"Ponyville."
"Well, go that way down this road and ask somepony in the village. They will point you the right way. I have to go the opposite. Besides, there’s a clinic in the town this way."
Mordane nodded his head. No sense in Boulder and Sugar going to Ponyville. Boulder set the mare in the caravan and walked over to him.
"Mordane, I have never met a pony quite like you. Young in body and old in mind. Just take some advice from an old stallion... Don't let hate and anger stop you from enjoying life. That is how we honor the dead. Not by seeking vengeance... or becoming a drunk. Go to Ponyville. Spend a long time there and grow up. Play with the other children. Don't glare at me like that! You may be wiser than your years, but some childish fun is just what you need. Will you do that?"
Mordane was going to tell the old drunk to buck off, but a part of him knew he was right.
"Ok, Boulder. I will. I’ll go to Ponyville and try to find some peace. I won't seek vengeance... though if it finds me I would not hesitate to take it."
"That... will be enough." He said swallowing.
The two comrades grasped each other’s hooves for a moment before turning to go their separate ways. Mordane did not know if he would see them again, but if he did they would be called ‘friend.’
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6867706 Didn't Samara from Mass Effect 2 also say that?
Please for the love of god, DO NOT let Mordane turn into a juvenile angst machine. Your premise is too unique to be wasted on that.
I should've mentioned this earlier but at some points you've forgotten to put thoughts in italics, I noticed back when Mordane and Star first merged minds during the knife enchantment.
This'll come back to bite him if he ever uses this move in front of others...
Guard: "Mordane Stronghoof, by order of the crown you are under arrest"
Mordane: "What?! On what charges?"
G: "You have been charged with the deaths of over fifty guards, all baring fatal wounds from a spell, ones which we are informed, match those created by a unique spell you have been reportedly to have created. What do you say in your defense?"
M: 'A spell I created? But nopony should know my...' "Oh sweet Celestia no..."
Well this story has certainly piqued my interest, though it is fairly rushed, the characters are unique but seem to recover from emotional damage far too quickly...
To be honest, this sounds like the start of an interesting D&D campaign so far.
I wonder if Mordane will ever use the knowledge from his human life to better ponies lives, you know, be accredited for "creating" calculus, "discovering" Einstein's equation, "inventing" the radio, furthering radio communications etc...
Though the act of proving that some of those work would be rather difficult...
Lovely.
Read title.
Obvious TF2 reference is obvious
I twitched. That is all
Space
Connect comma, add space
Space
This story is interesting but a little rushed
I'm still on the fence about this story. It is in dire need of editing. I noticed quite a few run on sentences, missing italics for inner-monologue sequences, and some verb tense confusion. But by far, the biggest issue is the pacing. It feels way too rushed. You're introducing characters/shipping them and killing them off in the span of just one chapter.
Having said that: I'll still give it a chance. But, if I don't see any marked improvement in these issues I'm dropping it like a sack of bricks.
I feel like I'm reading R. A. Salvatore right now. This is really hitting all of the clichés.
Awwwwe, i wanted Star to live! To have such potential ripped away so suddenly..... I'm a bit sad.
I don't know if it's just me but I feel as if these characters are allusions to the six in Halo: Reach.
Loving the story so far. I would recommend putting more emphasis on the mind meld leading to their love instead of the summary of human civilization. I know it was implied but it was still jarring how they started talking about loving each other without any other buildup.
7284661
I agree with this comment. I have to admit, though, that while many would criticize you for the quick relationship, I liked it. It was enough that it was mildly believable that they could have fallen in love after the mind meld, BUT you didn't give the reader enough time to fall in love with Star Charmer. So you got the best bits of the drama with no real sadness added for your audience. I need to remember that trick (not that I'd ever write); it is a good one.
Boulder say to mordan "old man", well, its not really hard to change it to "old pony", but sometimes, little details like this tick me off
Hmmm. We think the story is good, if a bit fast paced. We applaud thou.
i feel like the romance almost came out of nowhere
It may just be me, but for some reason the whole 'wait till you come of age' just made the whole death that much more gut wrenching. I may be a bit of a romance junky at times, but I have yet to connect to a couple that fast. Well done.
8269696
I have to agree. Its only my opinion but taking time to develope this love by possibly, writing more details into chapters of their travels and building up their relationship in the background. Again, merely this one's view and, hopefully, helpful criticism to be taken however you wish. Besides that, so far your story at first had my curiosity, now you have my attention.
... Yep, saw that coming when I noticed he didn't have even one defensive spell.
What happened in this chapter? The dialogues and interactions seems so weird and vague.
10053332
This story is written in third person but often I change the tone of the writing to match the mental state of the protagonist.
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/001/384/024/8e4.jpg
paaaaaaciiing!
Nor how long each day. I used to tap out after two to three hours back when i lived in a small city. I wager six hours is the minimum expected (possibly with only one break). We can be a vary weak people in some respects...
Well, that escalated quickly.
You do a great job but have a bad habit of tacking other characters’ actions to someone else’s dialogue.
For example:
"Silence." Boulder stopped cold, a chill running up his spine.
"You do not know what she was to me..." Boulder stood a little taller now, understanding why this hit the colt so hard.
Both of these indicate that Boulder is talking, but he’s not.
While your use of changing paragraphs is correct, who your audience’s “eyes” are directed towards shouldn’t be different than who is talking unless the narration is over the shoulder of a third wheel so to speak. Like when Harry Potter is present and other people are discussing something with each other and Harry is written reacting. The audience is already put into the frame before then of “outsider listening in” so the writing is not confusing. In your writing, it’s instead jarring and easily confuses who is speaking even when we know the context because the narration is following Mordane but the action descriptions follow other characters when he’s speaking.
JAILBAIT!, I JUST CAN'TWAIT!!!
So what, he killed the entire rest of the party but Boulder and Mordane? Why? Especially if he apparently tried to collapse the exit to trap them there. He showed zero hesitation taking everyone else's life. It's like he stopped because he knew the story would end if he did kill him.
11813495
Nice point. I am working on a rewrite and might include an edit for it. Please let me know if you see any other issues.
Killing Star off like that was cheap.