Silvermane's two foals have always done everything together, until his filly, Nutmeg, got her cutie mark. In an attempt to comfort his colt, the stallion then tells Silver Oak some of his more.... interesting adventures, and how he got his cutie mark.
Page generated in 0.059 seconds
Total duration
1,004 users online
112,377 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
this is going well thus far your bravery just about has you in a pickle of a doozy
Hmmm, interesting. Is this bash worthy, or do I just criticize it? Either way, I promise to at least say one mean thing.
A couple of things to point out, I wouldn't mind a little more description about the surroundings and more actions. These first two chapters don't need quite as much detail, but just keep in mind to put the reader into the story. Describe the authors feelings and some significant things in the environment around him. Otherwise this is fine, no real grammar problems, I'm sure you have all that down. Plus the character is actually interesting. Plus the concept is pretty original, plus I like the idea of a group of filly's going on an imaginary adventure together. I Love it.
You sir, have impressed me. This is well written and interesting. Not much I can help you with considering you have had it proofread correctly. Congratulations, you are the first to get a truly positive Final Verdict from me. Keep this up.
Also, if you feel the need to get more proofreaders just give me a P.M. I am more than willing to help any and all.
Final Verdict: Read this shit! Even if the picture sucks.
This is a run on sentence. You can cut it off after 'random plants' and delete the but.
Kind of awkward to read, I recommend rewording this.
Typo, should be sooner.
Should be I swear
Should be 'a' instead of 'an'
Should be up
Should be stopped
should be the. By the way, I love this line. It's descriptive and gave me a good visual.
Make that colon a comma
Tome should be time.
One other thing that I ignored, go back and check your capitalization. You had a few I's that needs to be fixed, and a few unnecessary capitalized words. Over all though, not bad. It's pretty easy to read and imagine.
You sir, have a small knack for story weaving. I haven't really lost interest once during this story. I love the fact it's a bunch of fillies playing with their imaginations. I am truly impressed that this is your first story. Can't wait to help out some more
needs to be 'too'
made me laugh, but it doesn't need to be on it's own. Just put it after the paragraph above with a comma preceding it. So far so good :)
Might wanna fix this XD
Hang on, Pinkie? Wow wow wow, what's going on. You might wanna add some more to this. Maybe more to the dream, and have Pinkie and Silver interact a little more. I like the suspense, but that is a little steep. It would do this story some good, to add a small amount of detail about how they met. Otherwise, I really like this chapter. It has feels and comedy and I like it. Sorry for the long awaited review. been kinda busy with stories and personal issues. Either way good job keep it up.
2135471
I considered that, but the last bit is mostly paying homage to a game series I played a while back... I'll keep debating on adding more.
No problem. Hope everything's alright.
2135623 Oh yea, I'm fine now. I haven't been active except for the Twilight story I just posted. If you are paying homage, just keep in mind to make it detailed. I'm not gonna tell you to take it out, but just be sure to make it very clear and concise of why Pinkie is being intorduced to the story. Anyways /)
2135654
(\ Alright, I'll work on that. And I'm glad everything's good.
Okay, so I just got into reading this story (had it in the "read later" list), and I have to say it's pretty trippy. I feel like my brain is turning into Pinkie at this rate!
Good job, sir.