Bad Company

by Symphony

Ch. 29 - Batter Up!

The more I make my way through town, climbing up some stupid incline and ease myself down a sudden slope, the more I realize that this Discord guy is either three years old or severely mentally challenged. I mean, cotton candy clouds? Chocolate rain? This isn't chaos, this is just the collective dream of an entire preschool. I look around and see ponies genuinely panicking about this as if they're screaming about the end times or some shit.

Did I mention that the sadistic fuck made all the roads covered in soap? 'Cause boy howdy, this sure is not fun at all. I had slipped and fallen over several times. Sometimes several times in a row when I was trying to get balanced on my feet.

My grip on the maple bat in my right hand tightened. I swung it around gently. It was well-balanced and felt really good in my hand. I might have... commissioned it from Artisan for home defense use.

Hey, it might be needed and I'm using it right now! I started whistling as I twirled it in my hand. On my next step, my left foot slipped and down I went again. I sighed and stood up, bracing myself on the bat. I felt my right eye twitch.

My attention was drawn as I heard panicked whispers from my side.

“Get the kids inside, Discord has been seen in the park!” I glanced over and saw Mr. Cake guide his wife inside Sugarcube Corner. His eyes met mine. “Hey, you!”

“Yeah?” I said, finally righting myself completely.

“It's not safe to be out there!” He shook his head. “I know what happened between us but this is dangerous!”

I walked over to a patch of grass to avoid standing on the road. “Well, if you remember, I am also dangerous.” I rested the bat on my shoulder and kept walking down next to the road, heading toward the park and continued whistling. I was just about to head into the park when I saw a gray pegasus mare with a blonde mane pacing in a circle, glancing up at a patch of land that was about seven feet in the air. I then heard a cry coming from above.

I glanced at the entrance to the park, then to the mare.

I sighed. "Fuck..." I walked carefully across the soap-laden road to her. "Any problems?" I glanced up. The mare turned to me with wide eyes. What stood out to me was that one of her eyes was a little lop-sided.

“My filly is up there!” She pointed at the floating patch. “She's a unicorn and I fell over and hurt my wing when the soap appeared so I can't fly up there and there's nopony around to help me!” She rambled on in a massive run-on sentence. I glanced up, then at a nearby picnic table. I blew some air out of my mouth and handed her the bat.

“Hold this for a sec.” I walked over carefully to the table and dragged it over, the soap actually helped for once. I looked around again and spotted a barrel nearby. Bringing it over, I hefted it up on the table and climbed up.

I looked over the edge and spotted a small unicorn filly huddled in the middle, staring at me with wide eyes.

“Hey, I'm here to help you, your mom is down here with me and she's worried sick.” I motioned at her to come closer “Come over here...”

She glanced down at my hands, then looked deep into my eyes. Carefully she started walking toward me. Once she was close enough, I grabbed her and lifted her up. She immediately tensed. I brought her close to my chest and climbed back down slowly. Once we reached solid ground, I put her down on the ground and the filly ran over to her mother. Hugs were shared between them and I retrieved the bat and pushed away from the table with a gentle kick and it slid away.

“Thank you for the help!” The pegasus mare smiled up at me with tears lining her eyes. I shrugged.

“Was nothing, now get inside somewhere.” I thumbed to some houses behind me and there were other ponies waving the two over. They made their way across the road to safety and I resumed my trek to the park.

I heard a deep laugh and frowned, time to get serious.

I once again slipped and gracefully landed on my nose. Alright. That's fucking it.

---

-Third person switch-

Twilight looked around, panic seeping into her veins. Everything around her looked like memories that she never wanted to see ever again. Her skin itched and a weight was in her chest. What if it fails again like it did before?

Applejack had problems restraining Rainbow Dash who she had to constantly remind that it wasn't worth it; they had their respective elements to use on him after all. Pinkie and Rarity's faces were set in grim determination. They knew that this would happen and it was nothing new. Go in, defeat evil, get out. Nothing new, right?

Fluttershy chewed her lip. Everything was going so well until Discord got bored and frustrated with her friends. She knew that there was some good in him, the question was where? Discord was laughing maniacally as Twilight's horn lit up and the six mares started feeling the strange sensation of the harmonic magic spreading in their veins.

It halted as quickly as it began as a loud, raspy male voice shattered the silence.

“Hey, asshole!”

All seven turned to the newest addition.

Jay was walking at them, holding a bat in his right hand and pointing the end of it at Discord. “Are you the motherfucker that's been causing all of this bullshit?!”

Jay was covered in soap suds, there were bruises on his arms and a small cut underneath his left eye. Dark bags were underneath his eyes who were glaring at the draconequus and what looked like a snarl forming on his lips.

"Oh, and what's this?" Discord smiled and levitated over to the human. "I haven't seen anything like you before!” He twirled around Jay who never let him out of his sights.

Jay's eyes narrowed and he tapped the bat to his open left palm. “Same to you, I've seen a lot of things but never such an ugly patchwork son of a bitch like you.”

“Hey, that's my physical appearance...” Discord murmured. The ponies were madly gesturing at Jay to stop whatever he was doing. “Anyway, I was quite busy here so you can leave now and go hang from a tree or something.” Discord turned around and waved a talon, dismissing him. Jay gritted his teeth and his muscles clenched.

All six ponies facehoofed simultaneously. They knew what was coming from that look of the human.

“I was talking to you.” Jay walked in front of Discord and shoved him in the chest. Discord stopped and glared down at him. “Now, we can do this the easy way or my way...” Jay held the bat at Discord's chest to punctuate. “You remove whatever magic-y bullshit you did and set everything right or we're gonna have a problem here.”

Discord grinned and leaned down to Jay's face level. “Oh, no,” He clicked his tongue. “I'm not done yet.”

Jay smiled. “Is that so?”

“Ye-”

Before Discord could finish his sentence, Jay had reared back and smashed the bat in the draconeequs' abdomen. A meaty thud echoed and the girls winced. The air launched out of Discord's lungs and he crouched over, clutching his stomach from the unexpected hit.

Jay took this opportunity to adjust his grip on the bat and brought it high and slammed it back down on the top of Discord's head. He cried out in pain and switched his talons to his head and fell over from the momentum.

“Oh, that's gotta hurt...” Rainbow winced. Applejack nodded in agreement.

Jay crouched down, resting his arms on the bat. "Well, have you changed your mind?" He said casually as if they were talking about the weather. Jay glanced up at the sky to see no changes and back down to Discord to see that he was slowly getting back up. He blew a raspberry.

Jay stood back up and delivered a swift kick to Discord's stomach and he jolted and went over to his side.

“Should... Shouldn't we stop him?” Fluttershy said, wincing at the display of violence and glancing between her friends one by one.

“Maybe.” Twilight shrugged. “Jay's doing a good job of keeping him under wraps.”

“I WILL SHIT ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!” Jay screamed.

Twilight nodded sagely. “Yup, everything's under control.”

Discord continually yelped in pain. Apparently, being assaulted has a negative effect on being able to focus the simplest of spells. Discord clenched his jaw, ignoring every hit of the bat that kept raining down on him.

“Okay, okay! I give!” Discord yelled after a particularly hard hit on his shoulder. Twilight used her magic to stop Jay. He glanced at the bat to see it covered in a shimmering lavender aura and turned to Twilight.

"What now?" Jay asked, genuinely confused. He blinked. "Also, what's with the jewelry? Princess cosplays?"

“Jay, he agreed to turn everything back a minute ago.” Twilight released the bat and Jay wiped some sweat off his forehead and rested the bat to his right shoulder.

“Did he? Sorry, I was kinda into it...” He crouched down and poked Discord with the bat. “You alive?”

Discord sniffed. “...Yes.”

Jay nodded. “So, what about changing everything back to what it was?” Jay said with a certain edge to his tone.

Discord raised a talon with whatever strength he had left in his battered body and snapped his eagle talon and with the initial wave of magic, everything returned like it was before.

“Everything.”

Discord sighed and snapped his talon again and the statue of Celestia became normal instead of a sculpture of the giant posterior carried by said princess which left nothing to the imagination. There were children around, after all. Jay nodded and turned around to walk off, only to walk right into said princess.

Princess Celestia stared at Jay with wide eyes, the bat in his hand, then to Discord who was being tended to by Fluttershy.

“Just so you know,” Jay raised a lone finger on his left hand “he started it and I'm going home because I'm fuckin' starving.” The human left the park, walking away from confused looks and some stray cheers from the townsponies who had seen him go at it.

"Well, that happened," Celestia said once Jay rounded the corner back into town. "Say what you will, he is efficient..."

“...And ponies call me a monster...” Discord croaked, wincing as Fluttershy passed a nasty bruise.

Author's Note:

Remember kids, violence solves all your problems!

Not really.

Comments

[chikunbot]

Last chapter I said if jay beats discord with a bat I would laugh out my soul well it took a good one minute and thirty seconds to stop laughing to myself

[FTR2017]

Okay, this chapter made my day.

Now we know: to deal with Discord, one needs a club.

[Jaro45]

9007270
And knowing is half the battle! YO JOES!!!

[HB_DS2013]

I wonder what he will do to Chrysalis and Starlight Glimmer...

[Winter Eclipse]

NOTHING beats a good piece of maple.

[Symphony]

9007447
He has entomophobia and would drive both Starlight and Twilight nuts comparing their names. Repeatedly.

[HB_DS2013]

9009442 I didn’t know he had entomophobia. Then again, everyone has a phobia, even Twilight with her strange fear of quesadillas and Celestia with her probable fear of bananas.

[D48]

That was brilliant, and I think Jay just made a new friend. After all, I highly doubt anyone has ever had the balls to do something like that to Discord which makes Jay interesting, and I doubt Jay will hold a grudge over this since he unambiguously won. Also, the shenanigans the two of them could get up to will be epic.

9009488
Oh god, I forgot about that mountain of stupidity. Twilight had a much more interesting and well established phobia of snakes from day one, but the idiot writers dumped it for that.

[HB_DS2013]

9010100 I think Twilight’s really afraid of cheese, because a quesadilla without cheese is just a tortilla.

[Symphony]

9010100
Jay will get just a little ego boost once he learns that instead of assault with a weapon, he saved Equestria.

Juuuust a little.

[Symphony]

9009488
Honestly, his entomophobia would probably just give him more reason and urgency to show her America's favorite pastime...

[D48]

9010120
Yes, that would be the stupidity I was talking about.

9010649
Heh, that'll be fun to watch.

9010948
How's he supposed to do that when Chrysalis is the one with the drones?

[HB_DS2013]

9010948 Football?

[Symphony]

9012449
Well, kicking would probably be included.

[HB_DS2013]

9012581 America has a lotta pasttimes.