• Published 23rd Apr 2013
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Equestrian Knights - HeatherIsBestPlayer



A MLP FiM parody of TGWTG's 'Suburban Knights'.

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Ch 6. Camping Chaos

They found a suitable campsite in a small clearing next to a pond. They had mostly dried off from their ordeal at the river while they had been walking, but some of their belongings were still moist, and they hung them up in some tree branches to air dry. The first thing Blueblood, Jet Set, and Upper Crust did then was set up their tents, which were the same big fancy kind that Rarity had used in ‘Sleeplessness In Ponyville’. They only had to pull one cord with their magic and the tents were up and ready.

Everyone else rolled their eyes at the ridiculous size of the upper class ponies’ tents.

“Alright, get a fire going,” ordered Blueblood. “And get everything set up. I’ll be in my tent.”

“EXCUSE ME!?” everyone yelled in response.

Blueblood turned around and looked at them blankly. “What?”

“And what are you going to be doing?” demanded Trixie.

“I’m going to be resting until it’s time to eat,” he said simply.

“No! You’re going to help us out here with the work!” stated Gilda.

Blueblood looked appalled. “I think not! You can’t expect a Prince like me to lower myself to such chores!” exclaimed Blueblood.

Gilda leaped forward and grabbed the snobby prince by his neck collar. “Listen here, you pansy. I don’t give a crap if you’re a prince or not! None of us do!”

“We do,” said Jet Set meekly, referring to his wife and him.

“Shut up!” Gilda shouted at the unicorn couple, then turned back to the terrified Prince Blueblood. “You’re gonna pitch in and help, whether you like it or not!”

“I AM helping,” said Blueblood. “I’m reading the map and leading you all to the goblet. And my brain needs a well needed rest.”

“Let me put it too you this way,” said Gilda, pulling Blueblood’s face closer to hers. “Help gather fire wood, OR I WILL BUCKIN’ HURT YOU!”

“You wouldn’t dare!” shot Blueblood.

Just then, Gilda leaped and pounced on Blueblood. Blueblood let out a yell of surprise and horror as he was pinned face down on the ground with the griffon on top of him. He screamed in pain as Gilda then grabbed one of his forelegs in her talons and yanked it behind his back in an unnatural direction.

“STOP! THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!” Blueblood screamed in pain.

Gilda grinned maliciously. “That’s the point.”

Blueblood screamed again, even louder, as Gilda bent his leg even harder. The pain was excruciating.

“So are you going to help work, or what?” asked Gilda.

Blueblood looked around in a state of panic at the others, seeing if any of them would help him. But the smirking expressions on there faces made it apparent that they all agreed with Gilda, except for Jet Set and Upper Crust, who just looked afraid that they'll end up in the Prince’s position if they do anything.

And I thought those two at least were my friends,’ Blueblood thought to himself.

Blueblood couldn’t take the pain anymore and forced himself to swallow his pride. “FINE!” he shouted in pain. “I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO IT!”

Gilda released him.

Blueblood collapsed on the ground took deep sighs of relief.

“Now go help gather fire wood,” ordered Gilda. “And hurry cuz it’s getting dark.”

Blueblood grumbled angrily as he got to his hooves. Never in his life had he been treated like this. He was already starting to regret selecting these uncouth ruffians to accompany him in his quest. At that moment, he hated them all.

Blueblood walked off into the trees to gather firewood like a lowly commoner pony.

Upper Crust and Jet Set were also set off to gather fire wood, Flim and Flam started getting their food and cooking equipment ready, Hoops went to fetch some water for them to boil, Iron Will, Lighting Dust, and Gilda began setting up the rest of the tents, and Trixie, Dumbbell, and Score began gathering logs to sit on around the campfire.

Prince Blueblood picked up a couple sticks with his magic and levitated them along side him as he searched the ground for more.

“Look what I’ve been reduced to,” he grumbled to himself as he continued his tedious task. “First I was forced to get soaked and muddy, and now I’m being forced to do labor.” It was getting harder and harder to keep telling himself to just think about the money he will get in the end of all this.

Suddenly he heard a howl in the distance.

What the heck was that?’ he wondered to himself.

A few seconds later, he heard another howl, this one closer. Blueblood felt fear growing within him. He quickly galloped back to camp with what he had.

When he galloped into the campsite the rest of his team all looked at him.

“That’s all you got!?” exclaimed Gilda, pointing to the sorry bundle of sticks he had levitated beside him.

“I heard howling!” said Blueblood, as he dropped the sticks he had onto the ground. “Not too far away from here!”

Gilda smirked. “Timberwolves.”

“Timberwolves!?” said Blueblood with a nervous gulp.

“Oh, yeah. These woods are crawling with them,” said Lighting Dust, also smirking with Gilda. “Along with dragons, manticors, hydras…”

“Don’t tell us you didn’t know about this stuff before coming out here,” said Gilda.

“Timberwolves are the worst, believe it or not,” said Lighting Dust. “You know why? Because they hunt in packs, you see. They surround their prey, and then rip into them, tearing them to shreds with their foot long teeth and claws.”

“They mostly come at night,” added Gilda. “Mostly.”

Gilda and Lightning Dust both chuckled at Blueblood’s terrified expression.

“Don’t worry, they shouldn’t come near us if we have a big fire,” said Iron Will suddenly, who was busy pounding a tent stake into the ground with a hammer. “Timberwolves are terrified of fire, what with them being made of wood and all.”

“Right,” said Blueblood, who quickly turned and hurried back into the woods to gather as much firewood as he possibly could.

“Hey, is it true if you get bit by a timberwolf, you become a timberwolf?” asked Hoops, who was flying by overhead carrying a bucket of pond water for them to boil.

Gilda shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

After a good amount of firewood was gathered, courtesy of a timberwolf terrified Blueblood, Trixie created a fire with a quick spell from her horn. They all sat down around the campfire to eat and get warm. Blueblood, Jet Set, and Upper Crust levitated a couple of sitting pillows from their bags to sit on rather than sit on the logs.

As Blueblood sat down, however, Dumbbell discreetly set a whoopee cushion on Blueblood’s pillow. Blueblood’s eyes widened in surprise as the flatulent sound rang out from beneath him.

Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score burst out laughing and fell backwards off of the log they were sitting on onto the ground.

Blueblood levitated the whoopee cushion out from under him in extreme annoyance and glared at the three jocks.

“You three are so immature,” said Trixie, shaking her head at the three still laughing jocks.

“They’re complete asses!” growled Blueblood angrily, throwing the small rubber toy away behind him.

“Oh, grow a sense of humor, Blueblood,” said Dumbbell as he and his friends got up off the ground and sat back down on their log.

They all began to eat their dinners, each of them taking out the meals they brought along with them in their saddlebags. Blueblood, Jet Set, and Upper Crust each had high-class fancy meals packed, again earning some rolled eyes from the rest of the group. Night quickly fell as they ate their meals. They talked to each other about different things.

After most of them were done with their meals, Hoops reached into his saddlebags and pulled out a bag of chocolates, marshmallows, and gram crackers. “Who wants some smores?” he announced loudly.

“Not me,” said Blueblood, sticking his nose up at the candy treat fixings. “I wouldn’t be caught dead with that common carnival fare!”

Hoops gasped in shock. “You don’t like smores!?” he exclaimed. “What’s wrong with you!? Everyone likes smores! That’s why they call them smores. Because you always want some more.”

“Well, we don’t want any either,” said Upper Crust, her husband nodding in agreement with her.

“Fine! That means more for us!” said Lightning Dust, grabbing a marshmallow from Hoops to begin toasting over the fire.

Iron Will looked at Jet Set and Upper Crust curiously. “Why do you keep doing that?” he asked them.

Jet Set and Upper Crust stared at him. “Doing what?”

“You just keep agreeing with whatever Blueblood says!” said Iron Will.

“W…we do not!” stated Upper Crust.

“That’s right,” said Jet Set. “Its simply that high class ponies like us share the same great tastes.”

“Oh for crying out loud!” said Iron Will, not falling for a word of it. That’s so pathetic! Why don’t you two try having your own opinions for a change?”

Jet Set and Upper Crust were taken aback by this, but they just went back to eating their dinner.

Trixie looked over at Blueblood. “So, Blueblood, how exactly did you come across that map you have?” she asked. “You never told us that.”

“Yeah,” everyone suddenly said in agreement, all turning to look at Blueblood.

Blueblood stared back at all of them. He was starting to look nervous. “Oh, didn’t I?” he said. “Well… you don’t have to worry. It was a very reliable source.”

They all continued to stare at the Prince. They became suspicious.

“Okay, Blueblood, fess up. How did you get the map?” asked Gilda, shaking her fist at him threateningly.

Blueblood leaned backwards away from the griffon. “Okay. Okay. I’ll tell you,” he said. “Now, this is going to sound a little strange, but just hear me out.”

“Oh boy,” groaned Dumbbell.

Blueblood started to explain. “I was at home one rainy evening, wondering what I was going to do about my money problem. Suddenly there was a knock at my front door. Now I was alone in the house that night because my staff had all quit because I couldn’t afford to pay them anymore, so I was forced to answer the door myself. I opened the door and standing there was an old, and ugly, beggar mare. She asked me for food and a place to stay for the night. Naturally I was about turn her away but then she said she would give me a map to a great treasure, saying she had no use for it. I looked at the map and much to my surprise it appeared real. Obviously I was desperate, so I accepted the map and let the mare have some food and stay in one of my former servant’s rooms for the night.”

“WHAT!?!”

Blueblood cringed as his entire team all started shouting angrily at him at once.

“THAT’S HOW YOU GOT THE MAP!?” shouted Trixie.

“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” shouted Flam.

“WE’VE BEEN FOLLOWING SOME MAP YOU GOT FROM SOME DUMB OLD LADY!?” shouted Gilda.

Blueblood raised his hooves in the air in defense. “LOOK! LOOK!” he shouted, getting them to stop talking for a second. “Okay, I know this seems farfetched, but as I said before, I had testing done on the map to confirm its validity, and it really is over a thousand years old, and its written in Starswirl the Bearded’s pen-writing. So I am positive that it is legit. I wouldn’t have risked this trip to find the goblet otherwise.”

The group were still glaring at Blueblood angrily. How could he leave out this crucial piece of information from them. Probably because he had known if he had told them that before then they might not have gone with him on this insane quest in the first place.

“But something just doesn’t add up,” said Flim. “Who was this beggar mare? And why did she have Starswirl the bearded’s map?”

“I don’t know,” said Blueblood with a shrug. “But it doesn’t mater how or why she had it. The fact is she did, and it’s real, and now I have it!”

“But… doesn’t it seem a bit too coincidental that you start having money problems, and then some random pony shows up who just happens to have the solution?” asked Flam.

Blueblood thought for a moment. “Well… perhaps a bit.”

“Almost as if someone actually WANTS you to find the goblet for some reason,” said Flim.

“Hmmm. You might have a point there,” said Blueblood thoughtfully. For the first time, he was starting to notice just how strange the situation was. This mare did show up right at the same time as he was having financial problems. Could it be more than just a coincidence?

“We best be on our guard,” said Flam.

“Yes,” agreed Blueblood with a nod.

“Make sure we are well prepaired,” said Flim.

“Yes.”

“Don’t trust anyone,” said Flam.

“Yes.”

“We need…” began Flim.

“Yes?”

“A MUSICAL NUMBER!” Flim and Flam shouted gleefully as Flim pulled out a wooden guitar from behind his back.

“WHAT!?” Blueblood and the rest of the team all shouted in shock and disapointment.

“We are explorers,

on a journey to make our dreams come truuuuue…” Flim

and Flam sang while Flim played the guitar.

“STOP THAT! WE’RE NOT SINGING!” shouted Blueblood in annoyance.

“Oh, come on! We’re already working on the lyrics,” said Flam. “By the way, do you know anything that rhymes with orange?”

Suddenly Gilda grabbed the guitar out of Flim’s hooves, snapped it in half over her knee, and then through it into the campfire.

“YOU BITCH! THAT GUITAR COST OVER A HUNDRED BITS!” Flim shouted in anger.

“You shouldn’t have brought it with you then,” said Gilda simply. She then turned to face Blueblood. “Look, Blueblood, if I find out you’ve just sent us all on a wild goose chase, I’m gonna beat you with a rusty…”

“You won’t regret this!” Blueblood interrupted. “I assure you, you will all get what you want in the end.”

“I better!” grumbled Gilda.

When they had all finished their meals, Blueblood suggested they all turn in and get a good night’s sleep so they can get an early start tomorrow. And for once, all of them simutainiously agreed. Gilda, Lightning Dust, Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score grabbed some blankets and flew up into the sky, preferring to sleep on clouds rather than on the ground in stuffy tents. The six unicorns and the minotaur on the other hand all retired into their tents for the night.

Gilda and Lighting Dust laid down on one cloud while the three stallion jocks laid down on another nearby cloud. Before going to sleep, however, Lighting Dust wanted to ask Gilda a question.

“Hey, Gilda?”

Gilda looked at her Pegasus friend. “Yeah?”

“What are you gonna do after we find the goblet and become rich?”

“You mean if we become rich,” said Gilda. “We aren’t even one hundred percent sure the goblet is even real, remember?”

“I know,” said Lighting Dust.” But still, what do you plan on doing if it is?

Gilda sighed in thought. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. I guess I’ll just buy whatever I want, like a big cloud house and lots of bling.”

Lightning Dust chuckled. “Yeah, me too, I guess. But you wanna know what I definitely plan on doing with all that money? I’m gonna buy out the Wonderbolts and force them all to do whatever I say!”

Gilda cocked an eyebrow. “Can you do that?”

“I… I don’t know,” admitted Lightning Dust. “Well, if I can’t, then I’ll use the money to start my own advanced flying force instead! And it’ll be better than the Wonderbolts! I’ll call it the Shadowbolts! And we’ll steal all the Wonderbolts’ glory! And Rainbow Dash and Spit Fire will beg me to let them join my group, and I’ll just laugh and tell them to go buck themselves.”

Gilda laughed. “Yeah, revenge is sweat.”

“You said it,” said Lightning Dust.

“Well, even if this treasure hunt does turn out to be a dud, at least something good still came out of it,” said Gilda.

“What?” asked Lighting Dust.

“I got a new best friend,” said Gilda, looking at Lighting Dust.

Lighting Dust grinned. “Right back at ya, Gilda.”

The two pounded their hoof and talon together in a bro-hoof.

Suddenly, their talk was interrupted when they heard a shout coming from neirby. “Come on! Make-out already!”

Gilda and Lightning Dust looked up and over at the boy’s cloud and saw Hoops, Dumbbell, and Score watching them like Peeping Toms.

Dumbbell smacked Hoops over his head with his hoof. “Nice going, Hoops! You blew our cover!”

Gilda and Lightning Dust looked at each other.

“Wanna go teach them to respect others privacy?” asked Lighting Dust, pounding one of her front hooves on top of the other.

Gilda grinned. “You read my mind.”