• Published 24th Jan 2013
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My New Life in Equestria: Helping Has Its Ups and Downs - HAZESHIFT

Waking up in a tree usually doesn't mean its gonna be a good day...today on the other hand I find it to be the opposite...at least in the short run as i find myself in a world of ponies

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Chapter 2: My fantasy has too much pain at the moment

Chapter 2: ….Well…. I don’t think this day will get easier

Twilight paced around the room, she zoomed around the room in eager anticipation gathering a few items. She needed a lot of parchment, some quills, and a good amount of ink. She almost tripped over her hooves in anticipation, but hey; it wasn’t everyday you got to ask questions to a new kind of species that you summoned from who knows where. She was just about ready when the voice of Rainbow Dash broke her thought process.

“Twilight are you almost done? You’re taking forever!!!”

“Rainbow I’m just making sure we have all the necessary things so that we can ask Dan all the questions we can think of. Does that sound reasonable Dan?”

“Uh sure, but would it be OK if I asked you guys some questions about this place too?”

“Oh that sounds like a great idea! We could trade info about each others culture and the like. This is going to be so intellectually stimulating!!!”

Twilight looked like she was about to burst into pieces from fun and happiness…or just like Pinkie on a regular day. I knew that they would probably ask the questions that would have the hardest answers but….I honestly don’t have it in me to lie to them. Curse their pony cuteness!!

“Dan if you’re ready you can have a seat somewhere.” Twilight broke me out of my little trance. I decided to just have a seat on the couch that was in the library. By the way, a library made out of a tree is pretty cool. I managed to sit down for about half a minute before a blur of something that felt like a cross between a pillow and a cannonball collided with the bottom of my torso. Needless to say this day has not been all sunshine and rainbows.

“Pinkie dear I do think that you should have warned Dan before you did that…and why are you still sitting on him?” Rarity tried to come to my rescue.

“Well I thought that he looked kinda squishy and wanted to know so I jumped on him, and he is!! And now he just feels kinda comfortable so he makes a pretty good seat!”

“Pinkie Pie…you are so random!” Rainbow Dash laughed at the sight of the pink pony sitting in my lap.

“Jealous you didn’t think of it first Dash? Do you wanna perch on my shoulder like an eagle instead perhaps?”

OK yes this time I was aiming to make Rainbow blush, and I succeeded in my mission. Rainbow was about to make some backlash when Applejack stepped in with a question.

“Uh Pinkie don’t you think you shoulda asked Dan before you cannonballed into him there?”

Pinkie then swiveled her head around to look up at me. She had on this puppy dog look that said both “I’m sorry” and “Pweaseeee?” all at the same time….like I said before, curse pony cuteness.

“Eh, its OK Applejack. She sort of reminds me of one of my cats.”

“Alrighty then sugercube, ah just hope you know what you’re in for.”

This was finally about the time Twilight got everything that she needed. Everyone found a seat somewhere around me while Pinkie was resting in my lap.

“OK Dan, we’re going to start with some Easy questions. Ahem…first question; What’s your Full Name?”

“Daniel William Allen.”

“OK, next question; what are you…species I mean?”

“Human; and if you want to be precise I believe scientifically I’m called Homosapien.”

“Oh your species speaks Latineighian?”


“OK then, well next can you tell us about your biology.”

“Well as you said earlier I am bipedal I got two legs and…”

“Wait if you only got two legs then what are these other two things you got stickin out of you?” Rainbow interrupted by grabbing my arms with her hooves and flailing them about in a funny way. Wait, how did she pick my arms up with hooves?

“They’re called arms and my hands are attached to them.” I showed them my hands and flexed them a bit. I got six little “oohs” for showing my hands, like children seeing a simple magic trick. Fluttershy weirdly enough was the next to ask something.

“Um...what...what do you do with your um... hands?”

“The same things you guys do: grabbing stuff, opening stuff, writing, cooking, petting animals, massaging, scratching an itch…”

“OH OH wait did you say scratching itches?”

“Yes Pinkie I did”

“Okie dokie then cause well I got a super duper itchy scratch down at the bottom of my neck but I can’t bend my hooves that way; do you think you could scratch it for me?”

“Pinkie, that is very most unladylike thing to ask from someone we haven’t spent a lot oh…”

I didn’t mind helping Pinkie out in this situation; if I had a scratch I couldn’t reach I would ask someone for help. The first thing I felt was how soft a ponies fur can be, it reminded me of a blanket that I used as a young child…yes I still have the blanket…for memories of course. I reached the base of Pinkies neck and lightly brought my finger over the surface; I felt pinkie tense up a little but from there she proceeded to basically melt. Weird enough I kind of expected this but still didn’t think that she would actually melt in my lap

“Oh wowie that’s fantastic.” That was probably the least amount of words I have ever heard Pinkie say….ever. The rest of the girls looked at me and Pinkie in some kind of astonishment.

“What? Its no big deal. Alright now it’s time for me to ask questions. Twilight tell me about this place, I’m in an unknown land so fill in the gaps about here and if anything that might be different in my world; I’ll tell you.”

Twilight brightened at this “OK then, well you’re in the land of Equestria, one of a few nations on the planet Equis. We are the biggest nation so others look to us for help. Most of the inhabitants are ponies; but we live together with a bunch of other animals but some don’t or can’t talk. We are ruled by two Princesses who move the sun and the moon to turn day into night and night into day. Unicorn ponies have the ability to use magic to do many things. While Pegasi ponies can move clouds and stage different weather events. And lastly we have Earth ponies who are more intoned with nature so they can grow things better than most can.”

“Wow, that’s a lot different than where I’m from.”

“What is it like where you’re from Dan?”

“Well, for starters we live on a planet called Earth, the sun, moon, stars and weather all kinda do their own thing, we can’t control them….or at least not yet anyway; we are experimenting with weather stuff. We don’t have magic per say, we have people who call themselves magicians and perform illusions that fool your eyes and stuff; you know like card tricks and the like. OK, let me ask the next question, what kind of technology do you guys have?”

Weirdly enough Applejack responded first. “Well up on the farm we got all your basic tools. Hammer, saws, screwdrivers, and we have a plow or two fer tilling the fields when we need to.”

Rarity chimed in next “And at my boutique I make wondrous works of fashion, I have a couple of sowing machines as well as a washer and dryer for any cleaning that may need to be done.”

And then from my lap pinkie pie congealed back into a solid form and contributed. “Oh and at sugercube corner we have a bunch of kitcheny gadgets which we use to make and bake delicious goodies for ponies to eat.”

Twilight then resumed control “And besides those, we also have typewriters, pens, pencils, and quills for writing. As for travel we have carts which can be pulled by ponies, hot air balloons, and trains which can run on both pony power and coal. Oh, and for the more sciency type like myself, we just began using these machines we call computers!”

Oh boy, she used the “c” word; now I had to dig in. Laying on the sarcasm thicker than molasses I asked “Oh really, computers? How powerful are they Twilight?”

“Well down in my lab I have one of the most powerful on the market, it runs on five hundred kilobytes which is...”

I couldn’t keep myself from snorting in laughter, interrupting Twilight. She gave me a puzzled look for which again I say, curse pony cuteness.

“Sorry Twilight, just hearing you say 500 kilobytes brings me back.”

“Oh, do you humans have computers on Earth?”

“Yeah but they are a bit more powerful than the ones here.”

“Really? How much!?” I could see the joy and eagerness to know in her eyes.

“Well let’s see, last time I checked you could get a computer with a couple terabytes worth of space.”

This was the first time I think I broke Twilight, her eyes went wide and her jaw looked like it was going to simply fall off from hanging limp. She just sat their on her…haunches (I believe this is the correct term) staring at me…or into the space where I was in complete disbelief. I decided to try and poke her back into consciousness. I slowly reached over and poked her in the side of her stomach. She then fell over like a frozen statue, now I started to worry that I may have just shocked a pony to death, as did everyone one else in the room.

“Twi, are you alright there?”

“Twilight are you having one of your egghead comas again?”

“Ha! she looks just like gummy does when he’s having fun!”

“Oh my, Twilight are you OK?”

“Twilight darling, could you please snap out of it and please tell us less technology inclined what a… “terabyte” is.”

Apparently the word “terabyte” was what brought her back to which; I swear to some deity; moved faster than Rainbow Dash and was completely in my face. Kinda scared me for the speed she showed off.

“TERABYTES!!!! Your computers have TERABYTES!!!! Do you know how much work ponies could do with TERABYTES!?! THAT’S SIMPLY AMAZING!!”

“Yeah yeah, I know what your saying now lets just calm down a bit and back a bit up.”

It took Twilight a second to realize that while she was basically screaming at Dan that she had moved very very close to him, they were basically face to face with the tip of her snout basically touching his nose. It took her another second to realize that it did seem awkward and she backed off very quickly with her lavender cheeks tinged with a slight pink blush.

“Oh I’m sorry, its just that, I never thought I would here about technology that far ahead. Oh and sorry girls, a terabyte as it is called; when compared to my computer would be about ninety billion kilobytes, so you may be able to see why I was so excited.”

I saw mixed reactions from at least four of the girls; Rarity and Pinkie seemed to get it but Applejack and Rainbow Dash were a completely different story. The next thing I noticed was that I didn’t know where Fluttershy was, but sure enough before I began to look around I heard something toward my right side.

“Um, excuse me Dan?”

Fluttershy had apparently walked up right next to me without me noticing. I guess being meek has some perks.

“Girls SHHHH, Fluttershy has a question.”

All eyes then focused on the yellow Pegasus as she asked me the question I had hoped I wouldn’t have to answer this soon.

“Well Mr. Dan….I was wondering what exactly do humans….eat?”

Well shit, it looks like I was going to have to get to this sooner than I had inspected telling a bunch of vegetarian ponies that I have eaten meat.

“Well…. uh, um you see ah…I as well as many other humans are…” I shut my eyes tightly and braced for whatever came next. “We are omnivores….”

Silence was still over the library, I opened one eye to see if the ponies had looks of horror on their faces. What I saw was calm faces from them. I looked at Fluttershy who was giving me a somewhat intent look even though for her, it was still cute. She stared at me for about half a minute before asking another question.

“Do you eat ponies?”

She wasn’t asking about humans or anything, just me sitting there surrounded by small colorful ponies.

“No, I don’t.”

“Oh, OK then.”

Not exactly the words I expected to hear. I also saw the other girls relax.

“That’s it? No giant talk about morals or anything?”

“Well Dan we do have animals such as bears that do eat other things like fish, not to mention the dangerous animals in the Everfree forest. And if we didn’t mention it there are nations filled with creatures like griffins who do eat meat and such. We know its probably something instilled in your life from a young age and goes back to early ages of your race and culture so its fine as long as you do not try to eat a pony, OK?”

I wanna go on record as to say that this is the Equestrian World Record for both hearing words from Fluttershy in a single sitting and her speaking words in a single setting. Now it was my turn to be broken, and Rainbow Dash didn’t hesitate to joke about it.

“Hey Twilight look, first you broke him after he fell out of the tree; and now Flutter here broke him, HA! Equestria 2, Earth 1.”

“Dan do you realize that being in a society of vegetarians you probably won’t have access to meat?” Twilight brought up a reasonable point.

I snapped out of my stupor long enough to answer “Hmm? Oh yeah but I said omnivore so I can pretty much eat anything, we do eat our leafy greens too. I mean humans also have vegetarians and vegans….I’m pretty sure there are even some people that eat nothing but bugs and dirt.”

Rarity’s eyes widened to an even more ridiculous level as I finished my statement.

“Oh my! That sounds absolutely dreadful and disgusting; I could faint by just thinking about that!”

But before she could, there was a sudden knock at the door.

“Hmm I wonder who that could be” Twilight said

“Don’t worry Twilight I’ll get it.” I volunteered, moving pinkie of my lap and getting up to the door not thinking about how somepony (Hey I got that right!!) would react to seeing a human at the door.

As soon as I reached the door I heard something very loud. And then I felt it.


That was truly a loud voice and the shock wave that came with it blew the door open and straight towards me. Where it proceeded to hit me in the face and send me flying back into the room, over the couch and onto my back again for a third time today…If there ever was a day where karma decided to look heavily upon me, today would be the day.

After the shouting had ceased Twilight got up from where she had dove on the floor with her friends. And she quickly rushed out her front door to see an unbelievable sight. There outside her library was her mentor Princess Celestia, her sister Princess Luna, her sister in law Princess Cadence, and her number one assistant Spike. And also a small contingent of the royal guard, at least twenty ponies.Wait…. if Cadence was here then where was her…

“TWILY!!!” Twilight had barely any time to react before her BBBFF (big brother best friend forever for those who didn’t know acronyms very well) picked her up and gave her a big hug. She was still very confused.

“Shiny!!! What are all of you doing here!?”

“Well we got your letter that you sent telling us about how you managed to summon something from who knows where, and we thought it might be incredibly dangerous so we all rushed over here to see if you needed rescuing.” Shining stated calmly.

“But why? I never said he was dangerous and I’ve helped save the world at least three times with my friends so I think I can handle myself.”

“That may be true Twilight”, Princess Celestia spoke this time, “But in bringing something from another planet or even another planet that changes the rules, things may be different where he is from.”

“But me and my friends have been talking with him and he seems really nice so far.”

Shining got really defensive after hearing that, and in a slightly angry tone he said “Oh, so he’s inside the house? What is he doing now?”



“Well after Princess Luna used the Royal Canterlot Voice, the door blasted open hitting him in the face and sent him flying over the couch very forcefully.”

“Ah yes, I am sorry about that Twilight Sparkle. I was just anxious and concerned for you and the elements safety.”

“It’s not a problem princess but please, maybe a little warning next time.”

This is when Twilight noted that Cadence joined the conversation and turned out to be the voice of reason.

“Twilight, do you think we could come in and see this “Dan” for ourselves?”

“Oh sure Cadence, in fact we should see if he is hurt or not. That’s the third time he has hit his head today.”

So all together three alicorns, two unicorns, and one dragon walked into the library and saw the rest of Twilight’s friends gathered around the back of the couch where over top Dan’s leg hung limply.

“Girls, is Dan alright? My brother, Cadence, and the princesses are here.”

Rainbow gave her opinion. “Eh I think he’s just being a baby I’ve had landings harder than that”

Rarity chided her poor thinking. “Yes Rainbow, but do you think that Dan is made out of the same stuff you are.”

“You got a point Rares, but I still think he should be taking it better.”

Much to the royalty’s surprise, Dan spoke “Hey, you try getting hit in the face multiple times in a short time span and being OK with it.”

Celestia cleared her throat “Ahem, are you the being called “Dan”?”


“My name is Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and my sister and I have come here to ascertain knowledge about you.”

“Oh, you have? Then please tell me that the whole blowing the door open with a sonic boom was part of a physics test to see what my body can withstand.”

All of the other ponies in the room stopped. The first words that Dan had spoken to the princess were a joke; this could go badly for him. Luckily for him the princess started to chuckle and then broke out into full laughter. Twilight thinking something was off and immediately tried to calm the situation.

“Oh, I’m sorry princess he didn’t mean it! I’m sure Dan could do very better for his first impression with you! He will definitely take that joke ba..”

She was stopped by Celestia raising her hoof as she stopped laughing. After wiping a tear from her eye she looked to Twilight and spoke.

“My dear Twilight it’s quite alright, what Dan here has done is shown that he didn’t take offense with getting hurt that much and shows his character to be forgiving. It’s a very good first step.”

Dan, who had sat upright by this time, gave a small nod to the princess and smiled.

“See Twilight, it’s not all that bad jokes are a way to clear the air, you just need to calm down more often and look on the bright side of life.”

He reached over and put a hand on Twilight’s head and ruffled her mane a bit. His hand was promptly smacked away by Shining who still looked a bit peeved at Dan.

“Hey, watch whose sister your touching pal!”

“Oops sorry, no mean to offend, right Twilight?” Dan kept smiling a soft warm smile like he hadn’t just been smacked in the face…again.

Twilight turned her head away quickly for some reason that Shining and Dan didn’t catch but unfortunately for Twilight; Cadence caught everything and a small idea started to pop into the back of her head, and it would stay there till she decided to bring it up but for now it put a small smile on her face.

Princess Luna was the next to address Dan. “So, Dan is it? Are you able to stand?”

“Oh yeah just give me a second please.”

Dan didn’t take a long time to get up and when he did Twilight confirmed one of her theories about him. He was taller than then princess by a couple of inches, the top of his head going past the top of her horn.

“Hey! Tallest guy in the room! Just please don’t poke out my eye with that thing.” The joke caused Celestia to chuckle a bit.

“Very well then. But for the matter at hand Dan, we would like it if you came to the palace for some questions, would that be OK?” She asked walking to the door.

Dan looked at the princess and then the other princess then at the other princess then at all the other ponies and in the back of his head he thought to himself, ‘What’s the worst that could happen in a happy colorful pony world?’

“Sure I don’t think that would be any trouble at all”

“Good, Twilight you and your friends will come as well” Celestia said as she walked out the door.

“Sure thing Princess.” Twilight said. She looked behind her and all her friends were in agreement. Her brother breathed a sigh of relief that everything had gone easily and that Dan didn’t seem like a bad whatever he was.

Dan was heading out the door when he felt like he forgot something really important. That feeling was interrupted by the sense of something hitting his forehead painfully.

All of the ponies around heard a painful “AAAGH!!” come from Dan and turned to face him. He was bent over in the doorway holding his forehead. Rainbow was the first to say something.


Dan grunted from his bent position “Yeah one person’s pain in another pony’s punch line.” He managed a pained laugh as he shook it off.

“So Princess Celestia, could you please tell me where this palace of yours is located?

She turned and pointed with her nose (even on a pony as tall as you it still adorable) “The city of Canterlot.”

Sensing the opportunity for a joke, I pressed, “Canterlot?”

“Canterlot.” She nodded.

And then in a low gravely voiced I quietly spoke, “It only a model.”

“Hm? What was that Dan?” she asked.

“Nothing” I said through my laughter “Just a reference from where I come from…Shall we be off then?”

“Yes, I think this will be an eventful day.” she responded as we checked that everyone was accounted for. Once we were all on chariots (no clue where they came from) we set off into the sky for the royal palace.

Author's Note:



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