BronyRemixStar
Joined 7th Jan, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PaddlewaveTheClopWriter · 7.1k words · 19 16 · 859 views
- Awscole · 1.4k words · 18 17 · 633 views
- Cytotoxin · 1.3k words · 24 16 · 1k views
- Knight of the Raven · 13k words · 444 37 · 11k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.148 seconds
Total duration
1,081 users online
2,001,936 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I truly had to unfavorite this. I am sorry, but I could not stand the atrocious grammar and the convoluted storyline. May your other endeavors be more successful.
I was gonna attempt to give this a try, but ten chapters of less then 1000 words each? How could a story even be fostered with such lack of storytelling? Try again my friend.
Sorry, But these two are right. The story was simply too short, the grammar a constant damper on the story, the wording odd, punctation was difficult to understand and made the story hard to follow.
ON THE FLIP SIDE, it was a good story, had solid foundations, and, should it have been longer and edited, could have ended up as a favorite. Don't let negatives rule your wrighting from here on out. I struggled with my first story, but as time went on, a good amount of people liked it. Don't look at this as a failure, look at it as a challenge to do better. Perhapes you could even write an improved version of this story.
Who knows, one day, you might get featured. All you have to do is unlock your potential.
2015666 I am aware of the length just a simple story that popped into my head
2017310 Thanks! I will make sure to use my own abilities for grammar etc.
2017708
Bueno! Perhapes you could send me a message/link if you make another story. It would be my pleasure to help out in the future.
Well, it feels more like a sketch of a story, it looks ok, but you have to work on it more.
Okay on the plus side I liked the story as a whole but I'm just a sucker for OctaScratch so that may not mean much. On the other hand I didn't like the short chapters as much and there were grammatically errors throughout the story along with several uncapitalized I's and i think a few Vinyl's in chap. 5 I believe so I would suggest fixing those. But as far as just reading I enjoyed it mostly although a bit more prolonged suffering for Vinyl would've seemed more real because it just felt rushed to me (not saying I like her to suffer but it seems like it would've conveyed the starving to death a bit more). I give you a thumbs up in the end.
Sorry for the inconvenient grammar but I will go back to fix it after my next story. So hopefully when I re upload it with fixed grammar it will appeal your senses see you next time everypony!
The Sex Parts are not so good
ok to be honest they're bad. They feel rushed. There no feelings, they're in love but the sex is just like meh. Writing a good Sexscene can be pretty hard as you have to bring over the love and passion between to people (or in this case Ponies) without letting it sound to cheesy or to much concentrated on the sex thing. And the editing is just *blargh* .
For your next Fic let out the sex and just concentrate on Character Development and their Relationship. Getting together to fast can also destroy the mood of the Story. Also if they have to get over some troubles before they can be together the Reader would want to know if they can make it. And if they can its a much better experience for the Reader as he is most likely concerned about them if there was a good Story/ Character Development before.
I hope you get everything i want to say. Sorry if there any mistakes english isnt my foreign language and my brain isnt capable of to complex operations like correct grammar/spelling/etc at 1:36 AM
2021379 I did not think about it until now but like I said my friend wrote them and in the next one there i no sex at all
There is minor grammar defects but apart from that i'm enjoying the story
That sex scene was to put it frank not subtle yet tried to be and the actual descriptions I would have thought have been better than the words used
I finished the story and I loved the plot but there were many a grammar mistake and the love scenes were poorly written I suggest perhaps re-writing this story later down the line and add lots more writing and depth if you do I would love to read it. Overall: I liked it and apart from it's faults I loved the plot a job that was done decently
Rainbow Dash and Lightning Dust....this isn't so much cannon...
It would have been better a FlutterDash.
But great story so far!
I'm sorry if this sounds a tad bit harsh to you, but a fifth grader is a better grammarian than you.
While the story line was fairly well thought out, it was also convoluted and altogether unimaginatively daft. I would advise that you take a writing course, along with grammar lessons, and learn how to properly set up a story arc.
Sorry for this, but I am in too much pain to care for covering my criticism with friendliness.
please enlighten me, why is it typed in this format???
just wondering
2376761 yes I agree it should have FlutterDash, and also TwiLuna. insted of the ones it has.
I liked this story. It was a little too fast a flow and grammar, but other than that it was good.
2021379 Your spelling and grammar are spot on, and I agree.
Is anyone else proposed?!!! Vinyl proposed to her with no build up or anything, I am angry!