• Member Since 17th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen May 29th, 2016



This is a quick MLP-version of my entry to a contest I'm entering at my school. Please tell me what you all think, and thank you.

My entry MUST be in between 750 and 1,000 words, so I'm going to have to add a bit more to the submission. Likes, dislikes, and comments will be VERY helpful in determining whether I should submit this copy or think of something else. (This isn't really something y'all should follow me for, though.)
This is not a joke. It's a legit contest called the Young Writers Contest. Whatever you say or do with your likes and dislikes will be taken VERY seriously. Thank you.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 2 )

I assume this is written within the boundaries of a prompt, and can't deviate from that.
Soo.... Yeah. The backbone structure of the story is a decent length.
Word choice is okay, but may need more appropriate choices.
Example: "... as the sudden explosion within her caused her to lose all consciousness."
When a woman's water breaks, it's more of a gushing flow. It doesn't explode, per se.
Also, as it wouldn't, in itself, cause a 'loss of consciousness,' it would probably be better clarified that it was the emotional response to it, rather than a bodily reaction.
Thusly "Two hours later, the story fell from her grasp, as the sudden gushing within shocked her into a faint."

While choice of less-cliche words is great and all, it's really best to very carefully spend time thinking of all their conveyed meanings.
While words can help provide flavor and substance, actual interaction in the story helps too.
Perhaps some subtle interactions between characters & whatnot. Moves mountains.

But yeah. Good stuff.

2029288 Thank you for commenting.
I kinda have limited knowledge as to what women actually think and do when this situation rolls around, so for what I had, I thought it was okay. Now that you've suggested it, that does sound better...
Yeah, I'll put that in there. Thanks again.

Login or register to comment