- Member Since 17th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Yesterday
overlord-flinx
I'm 40% jokes, 30% serious, and 20% romance. The Last 10%? You tell me. Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/overlord_flinx
overlord-flinx
Joined 17th Apr, 2012 ·
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Underage my 'ARR'se! Luna is ancient! The 'similar' choices are either family, evil or insane which is hardly fitting for a fair lady.(Seriously though, some people in fanfiction complain about the age differences like it was a plague or something. That can't be healthy.)
EDIT: Hey, I got first post! Haven't done that in months! Also, I'm aware that it's Celestia here but she's basically doing a favor for her little sister so I'm still gonna have to wait on the 'good' stuff like everyone else.
Hmmm will check it out later.
Yep.
Whew, right from the description it looks like you might want to run this through an editor and post a revision. Title, actually. Putting it under "read later" for now.
Grady story so far, you got my attention.
Grady story so far, you got my attention.
Grady story so far, you got my attention.
Great *** I hate autocorrect.
Would smash Humanized Celestia.
Can't say the same for Luna... something missing.
Apparently no matter what story you write Flinx, it's always good.i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/small/000/219/814/100675%20-%20animated%20artist%253Amihaaaa%20clap%20luna.gif
2012443>>2012463>>2012482>>2012501>>2012624>>2012947>>2013607 Thank you all for your input. I hope I can muster a few more views and up-votes before the day ends.
Why do I get the feeling shit's about to hit the fan in the next chapter?
38 likes
2014172 That's good. But we can do better.
2014100
You make a lot of good stuff! You'll do fine.
I guess
2014100 I wanted to convey that I liked it, but I was dead tired when I read it. I had to re-read it this morning. The only thing I thought could be better, was that there could be more dialogue.
That lucky sunuva...
2014254 We'll do that next chapter.
Good enough for me to favorite! Good job! :)
I do have to say this chapter was a bit...underwhelming. You do show promise as a writer, invoking all of the proper mechanics of a story well, but this chapter was very rushed. I must protest this course of action and I do hope that the next chapter you do will be more fleshed out. Other than this slight transgression, this was satisfactory.
Rating for this chapter: 3.8/5
I'm kind of hoping Pip ends up getting both Celestia AND Luna. The love would be doubled and so would the awesomeness.
Celestia and her conniving ways.
2017030 I'm just putting the blocks out there. I do plan to do a complete rewrite of the story after my anniversary if enough people enjoy it. Each chapter was supposed to be 5,000 words or more a piece, but I found a lack of feeling late into it without some additives.
2017067 Then perhaps you would do well to inform your readers of such a thing before letting them read the story in the story description. I would have taken that into account when I had done my review of your latest chapter. It surely would have helped me in the decision-making process, not to mention you would get more feedback from other people if this was merely a testbed for ideas. You will find that people are more willing to offer ideas if you state this fact you revealed to me.
Overall, given was is already out there for this story so far, I would give it a 4.2/5. Not too bad, but then again, still lacking in some areas.
Edited*
Stopped reading because of Pip's dialogue. Utterly killed it for me, even after only a few of his lines.
It' ok, but it could be way better with proper work. For example, they never left Celestia's room, and subseauently took each other's virginity in front of her, seeing as how you never said that she left.
And that's the end of a tastefully done story! A nice, clean, simple sex scene like something out of a light Erotica Novel. Not that the romance was lacking of course!
I did have a hard time not smirking when Celestia effortlessly held back an angry Luna with just one arm though.
2017189
2017176 Tell me why. I am all ears.
2017221
Sure!
So:
What you've done here is given Pipsqueak different accents over the span of a single sentence. 'Not a worry for me,' is the kind of stupid, overwrought thing a cockney would say if they were mugging and playing up their accent (so good so far) but a cockney accent wouldn't drop the 't' from don't, most Sarf Landaners practically spit a word like don't with a powerful plosive, and that emphasises the T. The dropped t would be more of a scouse or even geordie accent, which both sound very different from cockney. The only british accent that would make total sense on this sentence is London Multicultural English, and while the idea of Pipsqueak speaking with a vaguely Jamaican-sounding patois is funny, I don't think it's what you were aiming for.
That does sound cockney, but I'm not sure you realise how rough and thick you're making this accent. Imagine a really, really strong Kentucky or Texas accent, the sort Jeff Foxworthy does impressions of. Depending on the pitch, it would either be a child's accent or a very undereducated and loutish voice. I mean, if you're going for rakish, lower-class idiot Pipsqueak it would work, I guess. Some people think Danny Dyer is hot, I guess?
...just skimmed the rest of it, not much other Pip dialogue in Ch1. That's basically it. The accent isn't entirely consistent, because keeping a consistent accent by dropping letters is very difficult, and dropping the letters makes the accent far thicker than you intend (I think).
2017385 I made an adjustment. How does it compare?
Now go and rest our heroes.
2017219...that's really embarrassing, especially considering i'm supposed to notice everything in a story. still, my point stands.
2019176 Understandable. But this is just a test flag. I plan to redo the entire story later on.
2019219good.
beutiful story.
2017046
I agree.
Celesta burst in the next day., "I know this may seem wierd, but It seems i am in need of some...help."
2014432
bmgf.bulbagarden.net/attachments/f362/84521d1360416621-resident-evil-archives-09-02-2013-sign-ups-525bff8c_happy-i-see-what-you-did-there.png
2038895
Oh God...I don't know whether to be
or 
2017067 Please do. I enjoyed this, but there are some things that could've been done better. Like others have mentioned, this chapter was a bit underwhelming, and I also think Pip's accent is a bit over-done. There's a lot of unnecessary apostrophes in there.
great for chapter 1
Damn Celestia must be strong. Btw nice story.
Sexy.
OK, so far I like it, but it needs a proofreader, as there are MANY grammar and spelling mistakes. (Too many to list) there are groups here that can help with that, IIRC. I'd do it, but I am busy.