how do i maths (a tribute)

by tajjetone

count to apple

hi this is a tribute to fancy mathematics by ten speed

one time it was morning and the sun was coming up. it was by a farm but it was morning in a lot of places too. big macintosh woke up because the sun was in his eyes and have you ever tried to sleep with the sun in your eyes it’s really hard. applejack came in and said “are you up yet big brother there is things to eat for breakfast” and he said “yes thank you for reminding me that we eat things in the morning little sister it is good to know” and then he went downstairs and he was hungry and he wanted to eat breakfast. apple bloom was downstairs and she was trying to cook but she was really bad at it. “apple bloom you’re a bad pony and nobody likes you so just stop trying” applejack said to her. big macintosh also remembered how bad his little sister (apple bloom not applejack) was at cooking because she one time tried to make cupcakes with his friend pinkie pie. it didn’t work.

but big macintosh wasn’t downstairs yet because he was still in his room on a chair by the way. so he stood up and started to walk down the stairs in the house he was in. it was also his sister applejack’s and his sister apple bloom’s and his mom or something (i’m too lazy to look this up) granny smith (maybe his grandma) and they were all there except for granny smith maybe. when he got downstairs all the food was burned because apple bloom is literally the worst pony ever. even worse than rarity. the food was pancakes and so they ate them. they are really good food and much better than waffles. big macintosh liked to eat pancakes a lot but he only got a third of them because everyone took the same amount. he was sad about this but he didn’t say anything because it wasn’t polite. big macintosh can only say two words and those are yep and nope but he is really bad at talking anyways so it takes him awhile. they also saved pancakes for granny smith but she was still sleeping.

when they were done eating pancakes apple bloom and applejack washed the dishes. they thought this was an unnecessary perpetuation of traditional gender roles but big macintosh didn’t seem to mind not helping them. granny smith also came in because she woke up. she takes longer to wake up because she’s old. that’s also why she doesn’t do any work. she just sits in her rocking chair all day. big macintosh went to a study to do math because he’s good at it. he thinks he’s good at it because he’s a stallion (a guy pony) and that’s also why none of his sisters are smart. one time he liked cheerilee and she was funny and smart and nice but then she dumped him because she only liked him because she was taking a love potion. the jury didn’t really believe that though so he almost had to go to pony jail. that’s like jail for ponies.

one time pinkie pie came over to big macintosh’s house and she was looking at a thing. it was a plane. he was building a plane because he was tired of the pegasuses having flight privilege. cisprivilege is something that bothered big macintosh but not when he had it. big macintosh is the type who goes on r/mensrights all the time. he’s really annoying. big macintosh scratched at his neckbeard idly and told pinkie pie not to mess with his things because he was a stallion so he was smarter than her. pinkie pie knew how it worked though because sometimes she breaks from canon just to make something seem funny even though it isn’t. then she gave him a lot of supplies because deus ex equus is best plot device.

then big macintosh built a plane.

then he flied a lot and pinkie pie painted it pink (lol thats a lot of pink) and then he felt emasculated and uncomfortable at the fact that sometimes women can make decisions too. he did a lot of flying and that takes up a long time so just read this very slowly to get the full effect. he flew and he flew and he flew. applejack didn’t like that he was exercising flight privilege but he said that didn’t matter because she was a mare. this was not very kind of him. she also didn’t like that he was a misogynist and big macintosh laughed. they were eating and she said bad things about the fact that he utilized mathematics and that made him cry. she apologized and he said something like “oh that’s fine applejack” but he didn’t really mean it. one of these days, applejack. one of these days.

one time he flew and he flew over the market (it was night time) and he flew to the twibrary (that’s like twilight sparkle’s tree-library-thing) and he knocked on the door. because he had twilight’s doll. this is something that belonged with mares, not stallions. he was uncomfortable and felt emasculated by the fact that he owned a doll. so he wanted twilight to have it. because he was giving her something, maybe she’d like him. big macintosh liked that idea. he liked it very much because a lot of times mares didn’t like him at all. they called him mean names like “misogynist.” he knocked on it (the door) twice because she was a woman and so might have made a mistake. then he saw twilight sparkle and he felt many different things. twilight sparkle is smart and also a mare. this confused him and brought a lot of dissonance because he wanted to uphold consistency both in his policy of not letting mares be better than him and also in liking to make sexual advances. he decided to go with the latter.

to be continued.

Author's Note:

pls give me lots of upvote :)))

Comments

[TeXXy]

this is beautiful i luv ur writing style

[Critical Lighthouse]

static.tumblr.com/sqjvmga/0yxlq939g/mlp.gif

[Jwhiz]

>A variety of well-written characters
Let's let readers be the judge of that.

[Sorren]

In the time it took you to write this story, you could have tied a rope around your neck and played lasso with the other end for car antennae on the freeway.

[Sagacity]

Check your privilege! Also your capitalization.

[Chuckward]

2004413
Oh you're just as nice as ever.

[Sorren]

2004632 Yeppers. I'm nice when I feel I should be nice. You have seen me being nice, haven't you?

[Chuckward]

2004645
Not yet. Oh well, the time shall come.

[Riften Guard]

yup it's a troll, we got another one over here!

[Mr Ignorable]

fontspace.com/preview/m/f7e8b51913e4478541997849100bfde6.png

one time it was morning

AND SO BEGINS THE GREATEST ADVENTURE FILLED WITH DARING HEROICS AND FUCKING QUESTS TO GET FIFTEEN CRAB LORDS FROM FROM SCRUBVANIA! OH WAIT, NO, ITS A FANFICTION! LET'S DOOOOOO THIIIIIIIIIIS.

are you up yet big brother there is things to eat for breakfast

YES. LIKE VINE RIPPENED BLUE WAFFLES.

apple bloom you’re a bad pony and nobody likes you so just stop trying

Actually that's the truth. :/

was at cooking because she one time tried to make cupcakes with his friend pinkie pie. it didn’t work.

WHY DO YOU HATE CAPITALIZATION. IT'S YOUR FRIEND.

so he stood up and started to walk down the stairs

fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/172/6/3/going_to_the_store__gif__by_xxonyxknightxx-d54ckc7.gif

it was also his sister applejack’s and his sister apple bloom’s and his mom or something (i’m too lazy to look this up) granny smith (maybe his grandma)

HER NAME THAT THEY REFER TO HER INSIDE THE SHOW ABOUT PONIES IS GRANNY SMITH. AS IN GRANDMOTHER SMITH. AS IN THE APPLES MADE FROM ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT SWEAT.

he’s a stallion (a guy pony)

Really? I thought he was an anthro furry potato dong from space. Well you learn something new everyday :/.

and that’s also why none of his sisters are smart

2013 FOLKS, THE YEAR OF THE SEXIST.

one time pinkie pie came over to big macintosh’s house and she was looking at a thing

SILLY ME, WHY WOULD I HAVE EVER THOUGHT THAT THERE A WAY TO EVEN BEGIN TO FIX THIS SENTENCE.

it was a plane. he was building a plane because he was tired of the pegasuses having flight privilege

Because you know something? Screw the fact that they don't even have CARS. OR BULLET TRAINS. Let's just skip ahead a couple 200 years alright? ALRIGHT.

cisprivilege

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!

r/mensrights

I just lost the will to Even.

then he flied a lot and pinkie pie painted it pink (lol thats a lot of pink) and then he felt emasculated and uncomfortable at the fact that sometimes women can make decisions too.

OH SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD NO NEED FOR BASIC GRAMMATIC SKILLS AND SENSITIVITY TO BE A FUCKING MEMBER OF SOCIETY.

he was uncomfortable and felt emasculated by the fact that he owned a doll

EVEN THOUGH HE WAS SEEN AT THE END OF THE EPISODE GRABBING IT AND RUNNING AWAY WITH A FACE LIKE HE WAS GOING TO FUCK IT?

twilight sparkle is smart and also a mare.

OH MY GOD, BOTH OF THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO A MARE?! WE MUST BURN THE ABOMINATION BEFORE IT REPRODUCES.

both in his policy of not letting mares be better than him and also in liking to make sexual advances. he decided to go with the latter.

Yeah okay. Okay, OKAY, OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So in conclusion: My E-Peen is bigger than yours :3.

[Twidity]

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[Angel]

Wait a minute... this is going to be continued? You need a proofreader or editor, stat!

[Distrance]

2004763

oi48.tinypic.com/2sbpuvl.jpg

[Goldy]

0. I lost 7 IQ points reading this.

1. You're a fail troll. Idiocy =/= troll.

2. No, I will you lots of upvote >:CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

3. Please remove this fic. It's just cancerous and is the reason this website is quickly declining.

4. go back to ponychan

[Danbo]

2004860
I don't normally comment. But I laughed way too hard.

[Jewbacca]

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m60p07Gw7I1ro16tz.gif

Which simply states that you're a dumbfuck and you can't write. I mean, Jesus, even the most infamous trollfic writers actually could write like a normal. Fucking. Human. Being. (Punctuation is great to add emphasis)

I hope you decide to take this piece of fiction and burn it in an open fire.

[The Grey Pegasus]

More like "How do I Grammar".... I'm really wondering how you were even able to write this (or how painful it was), looking at your other perfectly sane stuff.

[tajjetone]

2004860

Going out of troll to applaud you on the most fucking amazing comment I've ever received.

[tajjetone]

2005446
It was this or write an essay for Spanish.

2004225
wai tank u <4

2004413
I won't lie. Your comment made me laugh.

2005053
wuts a profreder

2005161

7

i can't even count that high, bro

[TeXXy]

2005506
They took my comment seriously.

[notMurphy]

So many layers... it wud bran-hurt even reddible.

But it does make me think.
You have a talent for combining dissonant themes.
I'm counting... what, for or five different Big Mac fics in there?
On the balance I think I enjoyed this, but then again I used to eat lemons as a child.

[Jade Curtiss]

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