• Member Since 21st Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 24th, 2015

ShotgunNeko


T
Source

Princess Celestia asks Twilight Sparkle to accompany her on a picnic with plans to seduce her younger protege. Celestia X Twilight (nothing too crazy tho it's a T rating for gosh sakes) ;)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 36 )
Comment posted by Hurgusburgus deleted Jan 22nd, 2013

Twilestia is the bestia!

wow an epilogue sweet :pinkiehappy::raritywink:

I like it. The aftermath was hilarious.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

While I enjoy Twilestia, I think that this fell well short of being good. There is a lot of potential with these two, even with one shots, and you did not capitalize on much of any of it.

The build up was non-existant. One moment all is fine and dandy, the next, Celestia is teasing Twilight and escalates things entirely way too quickly. There is little to no interaction beyond a physical one, which, given the situation, is only half of the equation here. You completely neglected the fact that they were having a picnic. At least, according to you. There was no mention beyond the picnic besides simply using it as an excuse to throw these two together. You should have had some interactions with it, mingling those events with Celestia teasing Twilight, slowly escalating as the picnic continued.

Let's see... grammatical stuff. Ellipses (Those '...') are rather misused here. They are generally used when a speaker is trailing off, and you can do it one of two ways:

Princess, I... love you

Princess.... I love you

1st example is that of trailing off mid sentence. 3 periods are used (important!) with a single (or double, if you double space between sentences) space, then the continuation of the sentence, not capitalized.
2nd example is using it at the point where one would typically end a sentence. 3x periods, followed by the punctuation mark for that sentence, whether it be a period, exclamation point, question mark, etc. Then, after your space, you capitalize the next word, just like you would with a new sentence. (Note - you can drop the punctuation mark after the 3x period marks, however, the space and capitalization is still a must)
Next grammatical thing is when you want to have folks cut off mid-dialogue, '-' or an em-dash is acceptable. However, using 4 or 5 '-' in succession, is not an appropriate use. One only.

I found the 'gag reel' completely took away from this as well. You have an attempt to portray budding romance (or more like blooming with the pace you set), and then you completely derail it with some nonsensical breaking of the fourth wall, a lot of obnoxious over the top Pinkie Pie antics (real quick way to destroy a story, write Pinkie to an extreme). It just detracts completely from what you're trying to accomplish above.

That is the big stuff I saw anyways.

I lol'd so hard at the end. :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

:moustache:
nuff' said.

1996759 me too


T-This is a lie
Oh come now my student. at least we don't have to keep it a secret anymore


How did you get here?

Great story with lots of humor? Promise of more shipping in the near future?
Followed! :pinkiehappy:

Yeah that's right everyone wants a piece of dash :rainbowdetermined2:

Twixie is very conflicted about this. The one who wrote for far too long about this brings up a good point. There wasn't any seduction. Twixie enjoys ponies playing hard to get and it seemed to happen all too quickly. Twilight Sparkle wasn't exactly seduced and if it wasn't for the description, Twixie would have assumed they were already in a romantic relationship from the beginning.

However, Twixie believes that the story was merely a set up for the incredibly amusing gag reel. She also thinks that the gag reel would have never passed moderation by itself because it breaks at least two rules.

Overall, not bad. Twixie isn't impressed, but she is amused. Liked.

Haven't read it yet, but that title: clever.

Comment posted by ShotgunNeko deleted Jan 22nd, 2013

1999953:twilightsmile: i am a crack writer at heart so the gag reel was a bit of crack....either u like it or not and if u didnt then thats all cool with me....i write to make pplsmile and if u were amused then wooohooo point for me.......lol i take what i can get *thumbs up*:rainbowlaugh:

1996709 lol a grammer nazi hmmm??? :rainbowlaugh:well i can understand that....i really wasnt worrying too much about it..but in the future ill make sure i take ur considerations into mind......i appreciate the constructive criticism...:twilightsmile ...i originally posted on ffn...and the reason the story was not expanded was because.....i wasnt sure how large the fanbase was and if it was worth writing chapters and chapters for nobody to read,....this was sort of a tester.......and when i saw this site i wanted to see how big of a following this fandom really has.........and now thanx to reading some of the comments....i get it:duck:

2001294 are u kidding me? trollfic? wow...first of all i can write whatever i want it's my story lol....and second of all u dont have to like it......the "crack" part of the fic was obviously hit and miss.....some loved it.....some hated it........ur taking urself way too seriously.....if u consider that a trollfic.....have a nice cold drink or a popsicle.....mmmm popsicles.....:rainbowkiss:

:raritystarry:1996759 thank u lol finally.....some one who gets my humor...lol

1997617:pinkiehappy: thanx for your kinds words!

1996689 glad u enjoyed it.....thanx alot..:twilightsmile:

1996574 bwahahaha that should be the next title for a fanfic hehe:twilightsmile:

1996519:rainbowkiss:thank u thank u........

not too sure about the gag reel.....'part from that, not bad

This felt kind of rushed to me. But then again, Twilestia fics are my weakness.

That and heavy metal.

The gag reel felt rather random, sort of just tacked on in order to hit the 1000 word limit.

2098791 hmm well now that i look back maybe i would have done this differently....it was a bit rushed..it was my first fic here and i am used to a fanfic site where everyone likes the gag reel type crack endings....anywho! maybe one day i will go back and edit this fic...but for now thanx for the read and review!

2096567 haha yes i think i could have done better with this....was my first fic on here tho so for now im just gonna leave it...im trying to improve in my current fics:pinkiehappy: thanx for the review!

2026936 thank u...gag reel/omakes are hit and miss ...id do it differently though looking back...thanx for the review!

:pinkiegasp::rainbowlaugh: Fluttershy used......... THE STARE

You need to do this again with the gag reel thing. That was hilarious!

That gag reel at the end was HILARIOUS. More please! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

THIS WAS GREAT!!!!! KEEP EM COMING!!!!:pinkiehappy:

To be honest, definitely not the best but way better than some I've read. The ending made laugh too, though I do wonder in what condition Twilight will be returning to Ponyville.

I love the story and congratulations! You showed me a new ship that I actually like. Though LunaDash is my favorite. It just appeals to me for some reason.
1.LunaDash
2.FlutterDash
3.TwiLestia
4.Big Mac and Fluttershy
5.Rarity and rainbow (RariDash? Rainity?)
My top five least favorite
1. PinkieDash
2. TwiLuna
3. LunaCord
4. CelestLuna
5. PinkieJack

Very cute story loved it

FLUTTERSHY: (emerging from the cloud beside Rainbow Dash) Yaaay Twilight! I support your “shipping” with the princess! I hope this author supports other popular MLP ships as well. (Waving a rainbow colored flag that reads FLUTTER DASH)

Ok, that's awesome. :trollestia: :twilightblush:

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