A Princess is Born
A Princess is Born
The day started out so normal, the sun rose in the morning and Cadence had met her mother, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, she had gone through her lessons with her teachers, just like normal, and just like she had done every other day for the last 11 months, she was in her room, playing with her dolls. But then something happened, the Captain of the Guard took her and escorted her personally to the Royal carriage. It either meant Canterlot was under siege, or it was time...
And when she saw her mother sitting on the seat, taking long breaths through her nose, she understood, it was finally time. And as Cadence found herself on the opposite side of the door, she found herself doubting her own preparedness in what happened next. Her mother was calm! She kept smiling, trying to calm down her firstborn filly during the ride to where they were now. Even though behind the smile Cadence could tell that she was not in the position to act so cheerful.
And as she wandered the opposite side of the room, like she was pretending to be like one of the guards who she was so familiar with, she wondered if she was ready. It happened so fast, mother was fine yesterday and throughout all of today! How could she have known? Cadence thought that she would have more time, or at least a warning a few days prior, that she was going to be a big sister...
But she didn't, and with every passing cry and moan from the other room, Cadence would have to get ready fast, because the foal was coming, and she had no way to stop it.
And for what seemed like the hundredth time, Cadence found herself walking across the room, moving from the soft cushioned seat over to the bench, sitting, but within a few seconds she was up again, only to walk past the door that two gold clad knights stood before, staring straight ahead and ignoring her understandable sense of urgency. Just then, the screams of her mother stopped, replaced with the wails and then giggles of a foal. The foal is here! Cadence was now a big sister and she heard a nurse who had been attending her mother come out of the room and say, “Princess Cadence, you may come in now.”
As soon as she heard this, she ran into the room to see if her mother was alright, as well as the foal. There on the hospital bed was her mother, Princess Celestia, holding a little lavender colored alicorn filly, all wrapped up and content in her mother’s forelegs and talking baby gibberish, wiping away any fears Cadence had of being a big sister as she watched the scene unfold before her eyes. “Come say hello to your baby sister, Cadence,” Celestia says.
Cadence approached them slowly as the doctors and nurses left to give them some private time and Cadence looked down upon her new sister. She smiled at the scene before her. The little filly was reaching for her big sister and Cadence soon realized the little lavender alicorn wanted to touch her big sisters face, so she slowly brought her face forward so not to scare her little sister. As soon as her nose touched the little filly’s hoof, she made raspberries with her mouth, making her sister giggle. “She likes you,” Celestia says as she chuckles at the site.
“She's so cute, what’s her name Mom?” Cadence asks.
“I’ve decided to call her Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia says.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle, I like it, it has a nice ring to it. I wish our Aunty Luna and Daddy were here to see her and me,” Cadence said, remembering the stories she had been told about her aunt, Princess Luna, and how she had been consumed by the element of jealousy and had turned into the dreaded Nightmare Moon, banishing her to the moon almost 1,000 years ago and remembering her father who was mortal and passed away 3 months ago from a battle with the Changeling Queen's minions, who's numbers dwindled now, thanks to his sacrifice and the Changelings knew better to stay away at this point.
Celestia smiled at her daughter and said “Maybe one day your aunt will honey, and your father will always be watching over us.”
Their attention turned to Twilight as she yawned and buried her face into her mother’s coat. “It looks like this little one had a big day."
Cadence chuckled at her mother's comment and simply watched the little filly sleep. After a few hours of Twilight's birth, the doctors and nurses were finished with making sure the baby and mother were okay. "I’ll let her lay on your back while I talk with the doctors, then we will go, okay honey?” Celestia asks.
“Okay Mom,” Cadence said as Celestia place her youngest filly on her eldest filly’s back.
Twilight slept contently on her sisters back as Cadence waited for their mother. Cadence nuzzled her little sister as she slept and the Twilight smiled her sleep, making Cadence smile as well. ‘You’re so cute little sis, I promise to be the best big sister I can to you, Twilight. Nothing will ever tear us apart,’ Cadence thought to herself again.
“Alright, we are ready to go,” Celestia whispered, trying not to wake her sleeping daughter.
Celestia gently levitates Twilight onto her back,trying her best not to wake her and they soon head out of the hospital and back towards the castle surrounded by their escorts, which Cadence found annoying. Word had soon spread about Princess Twilight’s birth, faster than they were walking. They were soon greeted by adoring eyes as ponies stopped their daily routines to get a glimpse of their newest princess. Cadence now understood why her sister was called Twilight, for the sun had set in the west when Twilight was born and it took Celestia a moment to realize that she needed to move the sun more to make way for the moon. Soon they were at the Castle and Cadence caught a glimpse of a colt she was familiar with. It was Shining Armor, her longtime friend. She smiled to see he had become an apprentice of the Royal Guard and was now in silver armor, for it was custom for all apprentices to wear, and the stallions who were full-fledged guards were in gold armor, as was custom as well. Shining Armor was heading for his barracks when he saw the Princesses and bowed. “Good evening your highness's,” he says.
“Good evening to you as well Shining Armor,” Celestia says.
“I see you’re an apprentice of the Royal Guard now,” Cadence says.
“Yes your highness, preparing to defend Equestria and its ponies. Congratulations on the newest member of your family your highness's,” Shining Armor says.
“Thank you Shining Armor, and congratulations on your apprenticeship,” Celestia says.
“Thank you, your majesty. I must be on my way to my barracks or my Commanding Officer will lecture me about being late to bed. I bid you farewell your highness's,” Shining says as he bows again.
“Goodnight Shining Armor, have a good day tomorrow,” Celestia says.
“Thank you Princess Celestia,” Shining Armor says bowing a final time and heading towards his barracks.
Cadence smiles as he walks off and Celestia notices her daughter looking at him and says, “Just think Cadence, one day he could be Captain of the Royal Guard.”
This broke Cadence out of her trance and she looked at her mother and quickly said, “Only time will tell mom.”
Celestia chuckled softly and looked back at Twilight who had stirred a bit in her sleep from all the talking. “We better get back up to our chambers if we want your sister to stay asleep,” Celestia whispered.
Cadence nodded in response. She didn’t want her sister to have a bad night on her first night of life. She then looks back at the moon in the sky and sees the Mare in the moon, which Celestia had told her was her Aunt Luna looking down on them. ‘I hope we see you one day Aunty Luna’ Cadence thought to herself.
She continued to walk with her mother towards their chambers that sat right next door to each other. Cadence’s had a heart at the top of her door frame that represented her cutie mark. The top of Celestia’s door frame was the sun, as was her cutie mark. Soon Celestia nuzzled Cadence and bid her good night, as did Cadence to Celestia. Cadence then went into her chambers and began to get ready for bed. She removed her royal jewelry and shoes and began combing her hair. As she did, she thought about all the fun she had planned for her and Twilight tomorrow, for tomorrow was Saturday. Soon she laid down her comb and shifted into her bed to get comfortable. She turned the lights of and was soon fast asleep dreaming of what tomorrow would bring.
Meanwhile in the other room, Celestia was nursing her youngest daughter after letting one of the maids change her diaper. As Twilight suckled from her mother, Celestia nuzzled her making Twilight feel warm, loved and protected. “I see great things ahead for you and your sister my little Twilight. You two are going to work great together when I hand down some of my responsibilities to the two of you,” Celestia said, knowing full well Twilight could not understand a word she said as she continued to nurse.
Soon Twilight had finished and gave a light burp, giving Celestia the sign that Twilight was ready for bed once again. Celestia then rocked her daughter to sleep, and Twilight yawned and buried her face into her mother's coat, while sucking on her hoof. Once Twilight was asleep, Celestia placed her in her crib and tucked her in, giving her a kiss goodnight. Soon Celestia followed Cadence and Twilight to the world of dreams, after removing her royal jewelry and shoes as well, and all three slept soundly through the night.
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Put in paragraph breaks, it makes the whole thing look better. I also suggest removing helping words such as "is, am, are, was, were, been" because doing so will raise the general quality of your story.
For example, instead of "princess cadence was pacing" "princecess cadence paced"
Not bad but I do believe it is a comb rather than come that one uses to comb hair.
Some small gramatical and spelling errors, but nothing too bad. Interested to see how much this will change later events.
Not a bad start, it has potential to be a good story.
Other than some mistakes regarding how newborn foals(children) work, and some overly-corny moments, its decent enough
Is this one of your first stories?
Aww. Such a darn cute first chapter, especially for what is, apparently, your first story. And, yeah, I CAN see where it would take an alicorn foal three years to go from conception to birth (it takes just under a year for unicorn, pegasus or Earth pony foals to go from conception to birth, so it IS logical that an alicorn [a combination of a unicorn, a pegasus AND an Earth pony] would take three times as long). That's of course, assuming I'm reading this correctly.
Anyway, great job on the first chapter.
a few things about twilight's birth:
they gave twilight diapers rather quickly, often they're wrapped up in cloth to keep them warm and comfy. celestia leaving her newborn daughter alone so quickly, not only is this strange behavior for a mother, but she should also be rather tired at this point. a continuation on the last point; celestia leaving the hospital so quickly, they should want to monitor the baby and the mother for a few hours, at least, to make sure they're both fine.
small grammatical errors abound. mostly tenses and misplaced commas here and there. you shouldn't be telling people word for word what they're doing (like a wild-life documentary), you're supposed to be telling a story. get an editor or two, if you don't already have one or more, if you do, get them to go through the chapter a bit more thoroughly (we have groups for finding editors).
otherwise, great first chapter!
2005363
I had ment to say three months ago, not three years ago. I realized that mistake a little too late. Sorry, thanks for the comment though.
Momlestia is good Celestia.^^
Really good idea in other words NOT BAD
FINALLY. Someone made a twilight is Celestia's daugter fic.
People have said it's overdone, but I don't believe them.(I haven't found the fics!)
I have found maybe one fic with the celestia is her mother thing.
however that fic hid the fact she was a princess... let's see how this goes.
Cap'tn the shields are go'n down!
Why there are no threats?
The Dawww levels are too high Cap'tn!
okay, i read the first 200 words or so, and I just want to give you fair warning, you did 2 metric shit tons of telling, its a bitch to learn, but you have to show us whats going on, if you DO want to tell us somting, you can do so through dialogue.
ill watch this and hopefully read it in the future, for i am doing somthing similar to this, but still, you NEED to learn "Show and Don't Tell".
its a bitch, I know, if you want, i can dig through my shit and find a website someone reccomended for me to read up on and you can take a look, but once you know the basics, you just need to teach yourself how to do it, for that is what i did.
I'm doing a similar story to this. It will probably be avaliable in the fall.
awwwwwww
toooo cuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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1995798
"Princess Cadance was pacing" is perfectly acceptable, and doesn't lower the story's quality. "Princess Cadance paced" means that she paced, then it was over. "Princess Cadance was pacing", however, means she paced for a continuous amount of time, frequently when something else began to happen. (For instance, "Princess Cadance was pacing when she heard screams emanating from her mother's chambers" or something like that.)
A good premise, but your execution needs work. You change tenses constantly, there is a lot of telling rather than showing, and it in general, lacks detail. Very little description is given to their surroundings, and yes, while we do know what they look like, a basic description of the characters themselves would help add to the atmosphere, since we are looking at much younger versions of them than we are used to. Also, I want to point out this:
This was the literary equivalent of a tennis match. Having he/she/it/they/whatever says at the end of the dialogue like you do here is bad. Use other words than say. Stated, replied, shot back, or even not have any identifiers, and leave the narration in the rest of the paragraph to identify the speaker is all acceptable. This verbal back and forth shouts amateur. And while you may be an amateur (unless you get paid for writing, making you a professional), that doesn't mean you can't write like a pro. You have a good idea for a story, one I want to see succeed, but it needs work. I suggest going to one of the editor groups here on FiMFiction and ask for help there. I'm going to go back to reading the story now. I just had to get that off my chest first.
the D'AAAAAAAAWWWWW is strong with this one
I love the idea of this story, but you really need to decide what tense you're going to use. You constantly swapped between current and past tense in this chapter; if you want my advice, go with past tense, it usually comes off more polished than present tense.
I have to agree with 3174776 I love the concept but the constants switching between past and present tense is annoying, it's not gonna stop me from reading and upvoting this story though.
the DAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW is still strong with this one!!
It is good so far. I have school to day so I won't be able to read any more. *sigh's*. Oh well so read this later I hope it stays good. So with that said I bid thee fare well.
Night shadow
P.s school suck's especially math I hate math
You have my attention!
Really great first chap! I enjoyed~ =D
Holy shit Celestia, yes let's just pop out a kid and twenty minutes later go back to ruling the country, slow the fuck down