Today, Vinyl lives a good life. She spends her carefree days writing music with her good friend Octavia, partying as only a DJ can, and just hanging out with Octavia and her friends, relaxing under Celestia's bright sun. But her life is haunted by her past. The shadows of the pony she once was come to her, reminding her of the pain she harbors deep inside.
Her history is wrought with betrayal and lies; a terrible tale contorted with tragedy at every turn. This is the story of her beginning. Her Genesis.
Chapters (3)
This looks promising - I hope you get the next chapter out soon!
2248418
So do I. So do I
A-hem.
Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. I'd like to take a minute, sit right there bub, and I'll tell you how I became the Fresh DJ of Wub.
Sorry.
Had to do it. 
That Fresh Prince reference in the description was too much.
This is alright so far. You might consider separating your paragraphs with a line-break. Vertical space is cheap on the Internet, and putting a line-break between your paragraphs helps deal with that Wall-O-Text syndrome. Indents are well and good, and dandy for books, but try line-breaks and I'm sure you'll see the improvement.
Also, use a horizontal rule or a spacer such as three asterisks to separate different scenes. This creates a much stronger separation than just a few line-breaks, and really lets the reader know that the story is jumping focus.
2317720
Thank you for the feed back!
However, I'm a little lost. You see, the way my system works is I first complete my work in a Microsoft Word dox because I'm useless without a spell check, then simply copy and paste to the website. I understand that to some people paragraph spacing may seem like a good thing, but I find it a little unprofessional. It just looks to me like a half-hearted effort on part of the writer because he/she didn't bother with proper word grouping. I recomand reading in the Serif texture, because it is the one of the least bold and has a very subtle, light feel to it that should help if you are having problems reading the bold, harsher print in a book form.
Honestly, I've never heard of Wall-O-Text syndrome, so please explain.
Now, I will most certainly take your advice on scene pacing! Also, I checked into the horizontal rule, and I'm going to have to say no. That kind of structure just annoys me, and looks like a very flippant attempt at writing a story. I want the very best for my stories, because they are like my children, and looking even the least bit unprofessional and slapdash is for me very unacceptable. I'm not only a fanfic writer, I also plan on making a career out of writing, so in all aspects of my writing, I try to be my best, to push myself and help develop my style. I understand that some writers, like JasontheHuman, like using these simple writing forms, but to me, when reading them, I enjoy the story yes, but it just doesn't seem like a true piece of literature unless its in standered "book" form and structure. These writers are good in their own right, but I prefer to be the very best that my ability and the Almighty will let me.
Lastly, when you said the Fresh Prince reference was to much, did that mean that you think I should omit it?
Well, thanks for the feed back all the same. Keep Calm and Brony On
-Power to the Bonys
First off, keep the Fresh Prince. It's funny, and this is the Internet. Bel-air is cool here.
Wall-O-Text is where a reader looks at a page, sees a ton of words without any breathing room, and the brain turns off. It can be caused by a lack of spacing between paragraphs. Basically, when one looks at the story, one sees a "block" of words with no breaks.
Since vertical space is a premium in traditional media such as books and newspapers, indents are used to clearly show the reader where a paragraph begins and ends. In most digital media, line breaks are used instead. It's totally up to you, and explained in more detail here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Paragraph-spacing
We're all rookies here. There's no single "professional" way to group your words, it's just a tool to convey your concepts to the reader. I personally use line breaks. In some stories that have large paragraphs that follow one another I use both line breaks and indents to make it absolutely clear to the reader where a paragraph starts and ends. I have gotten complaints in the past that stories using only indents are difficult to read on some digital formats, such as smaller monitors or phones, while line-breaks are universally understandable across all digital formats. (Not gonna plug my work here, this is your story!)
Now, onto the Horizontal Rule, or hr. If you look on the toolbar above the FiMFiction story entry pane, the one with "save" on it, there is a button with a tooltip which reads "Horizontal Rule". The BBCode for it is (hr), though you would naturally replace the parenthesis with [ ]. It produces the following:
Which, when written with a line break above and below it, quite clearly tells the reader that the scene has changed. You might also consider Centering a few asterisks, this can also be found on the toolbar.
We're all here to improve. I hope this is helpful!
2318726
) What do you think?
Alright, I took your advice and gotta admit, it doesn't look that bad. (Ow, I think my ego just had a sezuire
2318848
Writing's an art, but there is a science to it. This means that it is largely subjective. For instance, I don't like a lot of Hemingway's work. Tons of people love him. I like Dickens, because he had a fun way of putting his heroes through the wringer. Some people don't.
I think your story looks pretty good. The question is, where do you go from here? What will you improve next? I'm partial to Vinyl and Octy, having written two stories about them and all, so it'll be interesting to see what you do with the characters. Like I said before, we're all rookies here, and the only way to get better is to write, write, write!
Don't worry about your ego. It'll mend. And if not, you'll get sent to live with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
2319023
Dickens 
But opinions are also heavily subjective. I"ll be coming out with chapter two here in few days, (hopefully), so that's something to look forward to.
Alright well, thanks! You've helped quite bit, and honestly, I don't know. I think the story is pretty good as is (What I've got planned) but only time will tell I guess. And man, I feel your pain. Hemingway
Sadly, my ego is very slow at recovering and I don't have any relatives living in Bel-Air.
Man you have to keep writing. You've got some crazy-ass gift in writing. MUST. LEARN... lol
this story already feels like a typical anime plot line lol XD...
dammit im supposed to help you this story and stuff but... but.. i dont know this already seems so good D: I just want to know what happens next!
2322169
Why, thank you my good sir.
I've been told before that I've got a gift in writing, but I wouldn't go that far. I'm simply an avid reader who likes making stories of his own, and gets his inspirsation from the Lord.
And I'm glad you like the whole "Vinyl from Canterlot" concept. I was little worried that the masses would think it just a bit to, well ,guady, and not-Vinyl. And don't worry! All will be revieled! Eventually.
And you want to learn my style? Well, here it is: BUCKING READ! Thats all I got to say.
-Power to the Bronys
Viniam Sicarith.
Reworded last name and change first name: Vinyl Scratch.
Your story is well done with plenty of backstory and a nice plot. You nailed the noble personality and it makes me hate Vinyl's parents. What I did notice is spelling errors and errors in sentence structure and grammar. I give this story a 7/10, it has a lot of potential and a good plot but some dialogue was a little awkward and/or unlikely to be said by the characters. I wish you luck on it from this point forward and good day to you.
-Rezz
I have to day I'm loving this whole set up and it's really well written, i look forward to more!
2333288
Thank you for the feed back!
However, I'm not sure what words are misspelled, because I first ran the entire document through Microsoft Word, so if you do see some errors please point them out to me and I'll see what I can do. Now, bear in mind that some sentances, just the the dialog, has been purposely incorrect in grammar because it was things that (in my mind) seemed like what someone would say, and it has made me aware of how flippantly we verbally use our own language.
Yes, I must admit that when I first came up with the name, I didn't put much effort behind it, and wanted it to be closely related to Vinyl so the reader wouldn't get confused and think there was two different people in the story. But, I have now found a way to directly link the two names, which you will probably see in the next five chapters or so, once I get them out, which may be a while. Sadly.
So, thanks for looking into my work and offering honest feed back!
-Power to the Bronys
2333899
Glad you enjoyed it.
2334061
The set up is a new take on the character that I've not personally seen before and I read a lot of Vinyl/Octavia stories (and have a couple planned of my own) but the idea of Vinyl coming from what is basically a bigoted family and growing and getting away from it is a really good starting point I think. Though I'm pretty sure I can guess what her "Uncle" was getting at. 
I very much enjoyed it, I wanted to write a little more on it but it's hard to do that on my phone
Also, on a personal preference note, whether this is a piece of work for publication or just a fan work, making it a dedication is never a bad thing in my opinion; it shows appreciation for things that were done.
Looking forward to more!
2335403
Thanks for the feed back!
It's very good to know that what I'm doing has never been done before, it makes me some what proud of the story. It should be noted however that while Octavia makes several appearnces and is important as a character to the plot, this is strictally a Vinyl fanfic. I don't want to make it an Octaivia and Vinyl story for two reasons: one, its much better for Vinyl as a solo act, and two, I want to, as much as possible, avoid the pretence of "extreme" shipping. I do not like most shipping in that it is simply wicked and evil. For instance, why the crud would someone who watches a little girls show think it appropriate to have sex scenes of ponies with the same gender?! Its awful, in my opinion, and the fact that its popular really irks me to the core. I'm okay with normal shipping ( it does after all mean relationshipping) i.e. a male and female falling into blissful love and with lack of "romantic" scenes. I feel very strongly on this subject.
And I'm glad that you think that a dedication is not wrong, however, it would not change a thing if you thought otherwise. If you were to say to me that it was a stupid idea, I would simply reply by saying that if you don't like it, go somewhere else. Personally, the reason I added a dedicaion is because as I was writing the characters Reginald and his wife and how they treat Viniam, I was literally conked over the head by God who brought it to my attention of how blessed I was to have such amazing parents. It was a wonderful thought, to understand that I coudln't even dream of better parents. Thus, I was compelled beyond all reason to dedicate this story to them. Call me a mommas boy, but I love my parents. Nothing will stop that.
In conclusion, I don't care what your assumtions are, just please do not tell a living soul. I want very much for it to be a big reveal.
Thanks. 
-Power to the Bronys
2333288 I didn't find it strange or awkward to read it through o.o it was told from a kid's perspective after all
2337810
You're most welcome and good for you. And yes, I'll keep it to myself
Okay, I just read Remembrance, and let me say that you have talent! I found the story as a whole very flowing and easy to get into, with well-rounded characters (so far). The personality of this story is a unique one as far as pony fics go, but you are quite good at making drama entertaining.
Keep up the good work, and I hope to read more from you soon!
On the other hoof, I think you would benefit immensely from an editor or pre-reader. There are enough grammatical errors in the work to be distracting, and without them you would have a truly fun story!
2338918
Thanks for the feed back!
However, why do people keep giving it such praise? Its not THAT good.
And don't worry, I have a certain dane in mind as a pre-reader.
-Power to the Bronys
2340018 Well it's pretty obvious when somepony has raw talent. With work (and I won't sugarcoat it-- it's a LOT of work), you could be very good at this.
I would recommend a creative writing class (I personally used the Institute for Excellence in Writing video course) or online course to hone your skills; it really helps to chip away at the bad habits budding writers develop. I've been writing for a while, and even I still have bad habits (can you believe it?).
But, above all, keep writing! Even if some of your stuff looks like horseapples at first, you will do nothing but improve if you are really gifted. Now, all that sort of anti-pep talk to say that you are good. You could be great, so keep it up!
Oh, and a Dane? You mean Hamlet? I think he's dead, Horatio.
2340209
)
Gee thanks, you make me feel soooo special. (loljustkidding
At the moment I have a couple of writing classes that I am taking in school and I plan on getting my hooves on a copy of The Element of Styles, and maybe see about other writing books. But I have to admit that my greatest tool for writing has been and always will be reading. Want to write well? First, you need to read well. Simple as that.
He's dead? How sad............
-Power to the Bronys
Another point I should make: The story is not first person, its second person.
You use said, told explained etc.
First person is: Say, says, explains, tells etc.
-Rezz
2338243
It was?!?!?!??!?!? This is news to me.
Remembrance was a little, I'll admit because she was at that time only five years old. However, remember in the Mare and the Mirror how Vinyl said it was ten years ago, and at the moment she's probably in her mid-twenties, and in this particular fanfic, she is twenty five when dealing with the "present". So, the "event" has yet to come to pass.
Technically speaking, this is written "by Vinyl" long after all this has taken place. So, valiant effort my friend, but I must still face the consequences of my sub-par writing. 
But thanks all the same. Good to know I got some good freinds on this here site.
-Power to the Bronys
2338629
Thank you. /)
2343084
Ahem.
I used those words because of the tense (present, past, and future) and a first/second/third person narative is pretty independent of which tense I choose to use. The story is as if Vinyl is looking into her past, so as all literature and writing should be done anyways, it must be written in a past tense with the exception of when some one (or pony) is talking.
The types of naratives are as follows (as far as I can remember, so please bear with me):
First Person Narative: the entire story is told from a persons view point. Basically, its to narate a story as if it was written by the main character him/herself, which is appropriate in cases such as these where the story is heavily focused in and around the character's past. A written example of first person narative is "I watched in complete, terrified silence as the intruder slunk in through the window. He wore a cloth suit the color of night itself, and it made it difficult to keep my eyes on him from my secret perch on the stairs. As he ever so carefully and quitely brought both his unwelcomed legs into the house, he turned slightly to his right, and my heart leaped in my chest as silky moonlight shined off a long, razor edged knife that was tied to a piece of string and and strung around his hip. Now that he was completely in the house, he pulled out a small flash light, and started poking around my living room looking for items to 'borrow' and kept the beam pointed towards the floor so not to attract the attention of the neighbors. Not wanting this to continue any further, I slowly crept down the stairs and raised my 9mm that I had pulled from my bedside when I had heard suspicious noises coming from outside. 'Hey,' I said, and he whirled around to face his opposition, the knife in his hand in a flash. 'Get out of my house.' But he just stared at me, and cast fleeting glances from his knife to my trigger finger, and I don't know if he was really brave or just stupid. 'Don't do it,' I said cocking the hammer. 'My wife will kill me if I stain the carpet.' But he must have been insane, because he instantly bull rushed me, the knife raised high, like a combra about to strike. There was a brief, bright flash as my gun went off, the recoil going down my arm and the shock of the loud noise after the silence of night caused my ears to ring. My aim, however, had been too high, and instead of hitting my attackers face, the bullet flew high and pinged of his knife, shattering the tip of the blade. But the attacker tripped over one of his untied shoe laces, and fell at my feet, the hand that held the crooked blade coming down and plunging the jagged intrument into his neck. He was dead went he hit the floor. 'Honey, what was that?' My wife called from upstairs. 'Nothing, dear.' I returned. 'Go back to bed.'" (oops, I got carried away
lol) That is an example of first person, and what tense you use is really not that significant. What matters is who is telling the story.
Second Person Narative: this is one of the less used, due to its unorthodoxed structure in literature, and i best suited in newspapers and school papers. Basically, its telling the story from your perspective. Example (a nd I'll be brief this time), "You wake up in the morning, and the first thing that comes into your mind is ponies. You go to subway to eat lunch, and ask if they have a dafidill sandwich. You go back to bed, and the only thing you can think about is how awesome Rainbow Dash is as best pony." That is second person, a story told from your point of view.
Third Person Narative: There are actually three parts to this one, but I forget most of the names. But its simple really. Basically, its the story told from the author, as most stories are today. For example, "Tommy looked out into the dismal rain and thought of Margret. He thought of her perfect oval face, her perfect long red hair that gracefully fell down her shoulders, and the way she had perfectly rejected him at the high school dance. Tommy cocked his shotgun. Well see who's the freak now , he thought and entered the school." That is an example of third person narative, or one of them, and you get the general idea. It has the feelings of the characters as well as their thoughts, but is not told from their point of view with using the words "I" and "Me".
The three types of third person narative are very simple, so if you will please follow me. It all has to do with how you choose to center your story around what characters. The first type is a solo act: you only center the naration around one character, as in Tommy's case of the above example. The second is the same principle, but with a group of select characters instead of just the one. A good example this type is the show. The mane six's stories are not told from their point of view, but rather we sit at the sidelines watching it all unfold, and each episode switches from which pony gets the episode, even though Twilight has the majority. The third type, sometimes called the omniscient narative, uses the third person structure and includes basically all the chracters of the story, hopping from one to another as the author sees fit.
And thats basically the naratives, or what I was taught they are. Again, it doesn't really matter what tense you use, a narative is dependent upon who is telling the story.
-Power to theBronys
2343392.................................
(looks it up).
0.o
o.0
Well I am a bucking idiot......
ok your right, I apologize.
Your using the past tense First Person.
Your right, I'm wrong haha.
whispers to himself: Son of a bitch I'm an idiot.
-Rezz
2343508
Hey! Now you stop that this bucking instant! We are all sadly human here, and therefore prone to mistakes. I'm probably wrong about something in there anyway.
Besides, we are all rookies here, even though I don't like being one, so its not like we are Dicken's or London's or Crichton's or DekKer's or any of the other greats. So stop belittleing yourself, man. We all make mistakes. No need to apologize.
Do you need a internet hug?
-Power to the Bronys
2343537 hahaha I'm alright but I'll have a brohoof.
/)
2343540
(\
Don't you all just hate it when you see a mistake that has been in the description since you created the story?
This story truly only has barely over 100 unique views?!
This story truly is a hidden gem, and I don't easily say that.
This story truly needs to be seen by more, it's better that people may think.
Good work!
2503759
Thank you! I've heard from many people that its a good story, and while its been fun to write, I think some people have gone overboard on praising it. This is only my second official writing project to under go in my entire life, and its not as good as I'd like it to be.
But, again, I'm glad you like it! As for lack of views, I think that since its only been out for a month is working against it. Not to mention that a name like Vinyl Scratch: The Genesis is by default seems a little too deep or complex for some people.
But I suppose that is a good thing, seeing as I don't want to attract the crowd and thereby the reputation of unprofessional work. However, I do have plans to submit it to EQD once On Trial (chapter three) is out.
Again, I'm glad you found my story to be worth your time.
-Power to the Bronys
2504109
It's just strange to me that writing that is at least as good as mine, mostly better than my own, gets less views than mine.
Within days I got thousands of views on a number of my stories.
I guess it all depends on what you write about. Oh well.
2504155
)
A thousand? Geeze man, what did you do? Kidnap a bunch of poor fools and force them to view your story? (lol, just kidding
Well, this is my first story, and I'm not exactly very well known around here. But hey, if you could spread the word of my story to the masses of your fans, that would be great. But I'm only asking, and you can refuse if you want. No biggie.
Also, we should talk sometime.
Add me to Skype if you have it, name's Kalreas.
2504363
I'm not even familiar with what Skyp is. Sorry, but I'm so behind, my comp is still running off of Vista. But, it gets internet and has Microsoft Word, so I got all I need.
2519269
Oh, that's not a mistake. It's intentionally spelled that way. You see, that is not the family that the city was named after. According to my head canon (the one that counts in this story) the city's name is actually spelled Clouds D'ael. D'ael is the Old Pony word for gathering, or assimilation. Clouds D'ael is the the gathering place of clouds and other important weather functions, and so was appropriately called Clouds D'ael by the ponies who built it a couple hundred years ago when Old Pony Speak was still slightly influential in their vernacular. Today, because Pony kind has moved on completely from what they call Old Pony Language (known as the A'nannan Language, as a'nannan was their word for "talk"), it is thought of as Cloudsdale. The Clouddale family are simply a coincidence.
(A-non-non)
Thanks for looking out for mistakes all the same.
(Yes, I just now made all that up.
)
-Power to the Bronys
Happy Birthday, Viniam Mary Sicarth.
Now deny everything and stay away from Blueblood.
Trust me, you don't want want to be involved with him.
... i hyperventilated at that new part you added... QQ...WHY
.... AND HOW DOES OCTY COME INTO PLAY AND...
dude im not asking too much for you to go update more frequent D:
also, at the part where it says "It mocked and laughed at me intending to be special but bringing only bitter lonlliness," i suggest 2 things, Place a comma before intending, and change the word 'bringing' to harboring'. It's a much stronger word, cause the word 'bring' is quite passive in tone.
.....rantuodatemorepleaserantrant
p.s. ill send you some stuff im working on soon. meanwhiles, have you read regret? :D
Dear 2617423,
I'm slightly confused. Are saying that you didn't enjoy On Trial? But be not of faint heart! All will be answered in due time.
Also, thanks! I think that will help!
As for Regret, no I have not. I have not even read I Am Octavia yet. I'm sorry, but I've skimmed over it and I noticed you said "It's not easy loosing one's friend/wife" and I do not like the prospect of that. Vinyl and Octavia share a special relationship, yes, but Octiscratch shipping is wrong, plain as that. It' homosexual, and as stated in my bio, I don't read things like that. I'm sorry. I'll still proofread your stuff (so long as its clean) but as for Regret, it does not look like something I can of good conscience read. Again, I'm sorry.
Hope you understand
-Power to the Bronys
2617498 oh no, i hated what you've done to vinyl, which i meant i loooooved this chapter. can't wait for more xD
as for regret, that reminds me, i forgot to remove friend. I shipped them as a married couple because i feel the heartbreak's more than just a friend letting another one down... but the only instance i did mention their relationship was that one time, and i plan to keep it CLEAN. Their relationship is nothing but a status o.o Also, their parring's very unqiue, thats why i liked to see them as a pair o.o i hope you understand xD
Dear 2617701,
I do understand, although I do not agree with it. It is still the pairing of the same gender and for me its that, not the gross sexual implications.
For me, the whole situation is a little complicated. I think homosexuality is gross and immoral because of the spiritual context. As you know, I'm a Christian. This means I follow God's word: The Holy Bible. In the book of Genesis it says in chapter two:
For Christian's, there is a direct link between the marriage and the Church. God is often called the Father, with us as His children, and the Church is often called His Bride by Christ in the New Testament. Because of this, the marriage is sacred as it depicts the relationship between the Father and His children. As it says above the man is to cleave unto his wife. So, to go against that is to mock the marriage and degrade it, which then because of the connection to the Church, mocks the Church and all it stands for. That's why it's wrong: on a rudimentary level, it is sin, nothing more. And thats why I can't stand it, because it is a mockery to the very thing I hold dear.
I know rambled on and whatnot, but I just felt I needed to explain myself. Oh and glad you enjoyed the chapter.
-Power to the Bronys
A most excellent chapter. Can't wait for the next one...and I'm waiting desperately for Vinyl's inevitable rebellion our blow up. Keep up the good work!
Dear 2625404,
Oh, don't worry. It will.
And thank you. Glad you once again gleamed entertainment from my work.
-Power to the Bronys
Betrothed to Prince Blueblood....I love it!
This is the second Vinyl fic I read, It looks interesting and funny. I laught whe Vinyl throw the cupcake to Octavia
. And I have to admited, Vinyl with a night black mane and green eyes... 
.
And try to delete a couple of "then", she is spining on a moving turn table and use a lot of "then" is sometimes useless.
This is fic must be on featured box.
Dear 2632086,
Thank you for the feedback.
However, the reason I constantly used then was to indicate a repetitive change in her perspective to the readers because at that time they do not know that she was actually on a spinning turn table.
And tell me about it. I have submitted it to Equestria Daily, but I have yet to hear back from them.
Oh and, please do not base whether or not you should read the next chapters because this one was funny. You will disappointed if you do.
-Power to the Bronys
Neat, so far.
Just one little thing that's bugging me.
After the first HR break, when Vinyl is explaining her reasoning behind using the turntable as a Merry-Go-Round, it should be 'than', not 'then'.
Heil Grammar!