Sun Chaser has always wanted to be a royal guard and now he'd getting his chance.
It's his first night in the palace barracks and things have not quite gone as planned. On a dare he's found himself in the Lunar Guard's wing, for the whole night! What could wrong?
Page generated in 0.1 seconds
Total duration
747 users online
1,094,069 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hmm, this is alright. You could probably do a bit more proofreading in some areas, and maybe make sure you tidy up your grammar a tad bit.
"Out of the, probably hundreds of ponies that came, less than half would actually make the cut, and Sun Chaser had been one of the lucky few."
This sentence is awkward, it should read more along the lines of,
"There were probably hundreds of ponies that came to tryouts, and less than half would actually make the cut. Sun Chaser had been one of the lucky few."
If you don't mind me asking, what exactly does the name "Sun Chaser" imply/symbolize. The nice thing about MLP is that the names, while being cute novelties, are also symbolic of the characters themselves (see: Fluttershy). I recommend finding a way to tie his name to his character, in a manner stronger than "it sounds like a pony name." Then again, I may be taking your story too seriously, since it seems to be more of a fun little adventure, not an epic.
Dialogue is good, I have no issues hearing/visualizing what the characters are saying.
I'm confused about the dare scene. It happens rather suddenly, and there is no clear idea of what is even going on there, other than a dare. Was that the point of the meeting, to essentially bully a new recruit? Don't skimp too much on your set-up, because the reader wants a clear idea of why the events are happening, and what set them off to begin with.
Well, pardon the dissertation up there, but I'm just telling you what I see, what I like, and what needs to be fixed. I suppose what I like most is simply the Lunar Guard, though a story based on a dare is quite fun to read too. With that in mind, I suppose I'll have to wait until the next chapter to pass judgment on what I think of the Lunar Guard. All in all, nice work, but watch out for the mistakes I mentioned. They can easily break a story if they get out of hand.
1994133
This is why I had someone doing prereading for me (except I sent the chapter off at the end of December and still have not heard from them, and I'm impatient-and they didn't even have the decency to tell me they were having issues with their net so that I might find someone else), to catch those things before posting since even though I went over it several times, I'm not a perfect proofreader.
His name, umm, I hadn't really decided any meaning behind it
I was sitting with a pencil and paper and trying to think of a name for the character and it just popped in and felt like it fit. But I will keep that mind for later stuff. I might come up with something.
The dare scene. Yeah, I was having a tough time trying to figure out how to transition into it (again, my prereader would have been helpful had they gotten back to me and why I was looking for one) and my brain just went 'ah just jump into it'. Admittedly that probably wasn't the best choice of action. I'll see what I can do about that.
I'll keep this stuff in mind though for the rest of the story.
Definitely a cute fic. Dunno why folks dislike it but I'm definitely interested. This feels like a bit of a weak start because I managed to completely miss the fact he was a unicorn colt and had to go back to confirm it. He sort of comes across as a non-entity right now. mostly it's just him doing things fairly passively and not thinking about it or even really reacting much. As things stand here's what we know:
- he's a unicorn
- his cutie mark is a winged shield.
- He wants to be in the guard.
- unfriendliness makes him nervous
- his magic is red
- he's gangly
We don't know his colours (eye, mane, coat, tail) What style they're in. How good his magic is. what he writes about in his journal, how he feels about anything really. If I can help I'd be glad to try and lend a hand/hoof. I think this story has potential it just needs some reworking
1994343
I-I totally thought I had put those in. 
*derp face* Once again my thoughts move faster than my hands and I think I put something down that I didn't(god I hate it when that happens). I will get on adding those in while I work fixing this up, which is to say right now.
Oh man you're right!
And some help would be lovely if you're willing, especially since the person I originally was hoping to have help me/who volunteered seems to have, poofed from the face of the 'net (which is no help to me, at all).
1994402 *grins* there's a few big things there that should be in it darl
i'd be happy to lend a hoof, I usually find gdocs to be effective but do you have a different method you prefer?
1994413
I've, never actually used google docs tbh (I just use Word for my typing then copy+paste in). How exactly does that work?
Ok so, I fixed some stuff and added in a description of Sun Chaser (I still cannot believe I forgot that, oh god) and fixed up the scene in the common room.
1994860 google docs isn't too hard tp use. Basically you just need a google account. Typically gmail then just click drive along the top of the gmail main page and it'll take you to your drive you can then create new documents and share them with folks. It's fairly straightforward
1998501
Ohh ok.
Found it now. Sweet.
Good chapter, I like it. Favorited.
I'm really enjoying this story and the idea that the Lunar ponies are more like fruit bats is my new headcanon. I also threw it up on herdmind too.
2551656
This might be the butt kick I needed to get back to writing this now that Camp NaNo is done and hopefully I can boot aside the writer's block that decided to settle down midway through the chapter. :/
Thank you for taking the time to review this.
And thanks for the tip on the formatting. I honestly had no idea. When I type it normally in Microsoft Word I only indent, always have, but I'm used to posting stuff on dA where, you can't indent(unless using their Sta.sh writer feature) and where no paragraph spaces make it look chunky. And chunky always seems to drive people away from reading. Which I obviously don't want. So I ended up doing both.
Amazing work I've been following this story since the beginning!( by beginning I mean 2 chapture.) is wish devolving some feeling for chase?
You have done another great chapter.
They more likely "just" have far less light-polluted sky.
3237466
Well that too. xD Lack of light pollution most definitely helps for star gazing.
I've never actually tried looking for it since I've never had a chance(the only time I get a decent sky for stargazing is summer on vacation, and it wouldn't be in the sky till winter), so I don't know if you could see it from earth with standard equipment like a simple telescope or binoculars(if you could it probably wouldn't be very clear, a glorified blur I'm sure).
Another great chapter but a bit short if I do say so myself.
Also try to expand your vocab when they ask like this.
“Why can’t I come?” he question.
She gave him an incredulous look before shaking her head, “You’d stick out like a sore hoof. Just, wait here for five minutes, I won’t be long.”
“What if somepony comes back before you do?” he question again
But that's just me.
3335228
Yeah, I can never figure out how long or short to make chapters. One other sites I've posted stories on I find I need to keep my chapter short or people won't read them)between 1 and 3k), but here, people seem to revel in long chapters (I've seen them from 1k to 20k and everything in between).
Normally I can write long chapters too.
3335418 who wouldn't want to read a story with long chaptures that tells you ( well it tells me ) that this story will have great character development, great plot, ( and not like that you pervs ) and will last longer. ( unless if it's a one shot )
If you ask me, this story could been longer, its just that awsome! Hope theres more with these ponies.
p.s. I think Iron hoof was given the dare but ran away screamin,