Well, I did it. I managed to get it out before bedtime. Alright faithful readers, I will be working on my other story for a spell, so don't expect a new chapter any time soon. That being said, tell me what you think. Is the pacing good? Is the description deep enough? Am I fleshing out the characters well? Oh, and of course like/fav/watch/shout out my glory to the heavens. You know, all that stuff.
Interesting chapter. The only issue I can see with the current situation is what to do when the time comes to renew the spells. (Poor Vinyl, she'll have to smell). All in all, 'twas quite enjoyable, though the lack of Kool-aid Mare Luna disappointed me
Goes without saying but I will say it just in case: don't forget to drop the casing on the words after the comma I told you to put. It has happened before.
You kill yourself after you finish me.”
You'll*
‘This is the way it’s meant to be.’ it said.
be,*
And her teeth shot towards my face. And lifted towards my horn.
These lines kinda confuses me. Why would her teeth go towards the horn to accidentally remove the ring (I was thinking sexual reasons when I first saw the line but...)? Why would she go up not down?
“I’m going to let you down now, but if you do anything besides eating those pork chops, I’ll pick you right back up.” I warned her.
up,*
I flinched, but I approached her anyway
You should get rid of the second "I". And the comma.
“I live here alone with my two servants.” She said.
servants,*
Now, let’s go
I think you should kill the comma.
“I said I wasn’t going to let you out of my sight. If we’re in different rooms, you’re out of my sight.” She stated simply.
sight,*
“Fine, I’ll have another bed brought in to my room, but you’ll have to wear a leash at night.” “I’m not taking the chance of you trying to slip out under the cover of daylight.
I think the first one should say "at day/during the day".
“Good. Now behave yourself, and for Luna’s sake, don’t give yourself away.” She said
away,*
“Mark, get down here!” She shouted.
Drop the case on "She".
“Does this look satisfied to you?” She growled.
Drop the case on "She".
“If I may ask, what cause your tardiness, milady?”
caused*
Her parents are already really though on her without you tempting her into breaking her chastity rule.”
I think you meant "tough".
“I know she’s forbidden to have sex with any Vampony asides you and Brandon.
Either "besides" or "aside from". Or you can leave it since it is dialogue.
Oh, and she has some sort of libido problem.” I summarized.
problem,*
She’s not one to hold back in the bedroom.” He said
bedroom,*
You must be something special, normally she goes for a second round. And by normally I mean she ALWAYS goes for a second round.
You must be something special; normally she goes for a second round, and by normally I mean she ALWAYS goes for a second round.
It bugged me the other way. I usually let some things slide in dialogue, but that one... no.
About a minute past before she stormed into the room.
passed*
“You, out. You, stay.” She barked, sending her other servant away.
stay,*
And get your brother to bring a second bed in here.” She instructed, still unhappy.
here,*
“You, you’re making everything so difficult.
“You! You’re making everything so difficult.
It flows better to me.
You frustrate me to no end!” She shouted.
Drop the case on "She".
I belong to you now, please just believe me so I don’t have to worry about not waking up tomorrow night.”
now. Please,*
Now, for my terms.
terms:* You are starting a list so a colon works great.
“Maybe, but for now, you’re mine to command.” She said as she paced.
“Maybe. But for now, you’re mine to command,” she said as she paced.
“Good day Vinyl Scratch.” “Good day Octavia.”
Comma after "day".
Would you believe me if I told you today was my day off??
Great chapter. Sad to hear this won't update soon. Your pacing is great, characterization is wonderful, and the whole "they can't rut" adds a little something. I'm loving it. Keep it up.
this is amazing, and you update the story so fast! I'm so curious to see what direction you take the story from this point on. So far it's been great, and I can't wait to keep on reading ^^
PS: Reading this at work, it couldn't wait till I got home. I'm feeling really uncomfortable sitting here reading this, but holy hell it was worth it haha
2104917 Holly sweet Celestia's plot! Thanks for all that, but just so you know, I don't intend to change how I work dialogue. "It might be proper to do it like this," but I'm going to keep doing it "Like this." I hope that's okay. That asides, it's really nice of you to go over all this for me. One thing though; how do you like the story? I mean, you go through all this trouble correcting for me, but you didn't leave an opinion! Oh, and the horn/ring thing will be explained later.
2104766 HAHAHAHA, yeah right. What, you want her to suicide??? Of course Octavia won't let her smell. 2104932 Thanks, and sorry about the delay. As much as it pains me, I haven't updated saving in like a month. Seems unfair to them. 2106138 It was just luck that it came out so fast; one stroke of genius after another. But I pushed myself too hard and now my body's shouting at me to have some fun and focus on school. It'll be a while before I manage to get back to this. And I know that feel, I read at school all the time. I need to watch over my shoulder and make sure no one sneaks up on me
2107992 No prob. 'Tis what I do. And I will remember not to point it out anymore. I have to do stuff like that for multiple people. psp7master is a Brit so he says things different than I (American), so I learned to ignore some things, like he uses "all be it" and I use "albeit". Style choices.
And I left a small opinion on the story in a separate comment (always do a separate comment so they can delete my corrections). I like it. Really good. I am really enthralled by this story and always look forward to an update.
Great story bro but when do I get more??? I realize this chapter came out like two days ago and I'm not trying to rush anypony just need to Twilight my schedule around to include reading time for this story
2128382 Oh, I remember you now sweety~ Sure thing, I'd love to have an RP in my sexoholic universe. I might even try yo participate again. How did the other RP end up?
Okay... This went from 0 to 1000 like.... "Oh I've got just a year left in highschool before I can get out of it and relax every once in a wh-oh now I'm an actual pet, with a collar and everything. To a vampire that wants to kill me. Constantly. And I'm probably gunna lose my virginity in some weird vampire hymen-blood thing. Thanks life"
Well, I did it. I managed to get it out before bedtime.
Alright faithful readers, I will be working on my other story for a spell, so don't expect a new chapter any time soon.
That being said, tell me what you think. Is the pacing good? Is the description deep enough? Am I fleshing out the characters well?
Oh, and of course like/fav/watch/shout out my glory to the heavens. You know, all that stuff.
-Mavinator5
Interesting chapter.
The only issue I can see with the current situation is what to do when the time comes to renew the spells. (Poor Vinyl, she'll have to smell).
All in all, 'twas quite enjoyable, though the lack of Kool-aid Mare Luna disappointed me
Goes without saying but I will say it just in case: don't forget to drop the casing on the words after the comma I told you to put. It has happened before.
You'll*
be,*
These lines kinda confuses me. Why would her teeth go towards the horn to accidentally remove the ring (I was thinking sexual reasons when I first saw the line but...)? Why would she go up not down?
up,*
You should get rid of the second "I". And the comma.
servants,*
I think you should kill the comma.
sight,*
I think the first one should say "at day/during the day".
away,*
Drop the case on "She".
Drop the case on "She".
caused*
I think you meant "tough".
Either "besides" or "aside from". Or you can leave it since it is dialogue.
problem,*
bedroom,*
It bugged me the other way. I usually let some things slide in dialogue, but that one... no.
passed*
stay,*
here,*
It flows better to me.
Drop the case on "She".
now. Please,*
terms:* You are starting a list so a colon works great.
Comma after "day".
Would you believe me if I told you today was my day off??
Delete this when you are done.
Great chapter. Sad to hear this won't update soon. Your pacing is great, characterization is wonderful, and the whole "they can't rut" adds a little something. I'm loving it. Keep it up.
this is amazing, and you update the story so fast!
I'm so curious to see what direction you take the story from this point on.
So far it's been great, and I can't wait to keep on reading ^^
PS: Reading this at work, it couldn't wait till I got home. I'm feeling really uncomfortable sitting here reading this, but holy hell it was worth it haha
2104917 Holly sweet Celestia's plot!
Thanks for all that, but just so you know, I don't intend to change how I work dialogue. "It might be proper to do it like this," but I'm going to keep doing it "Like this." I hope that's okay.
That asides, it's really nice of you to go over all this for me.
One thing though; how do you like the story? I mean, you go through all this trouble correcting for me, but you didn't leave an opinion!
Oh, and the horn/ring thing will be explained later.
2104766 HAHAHAHA, yeah right. What, you want her to suicide??? Of course Octavia won't let her smell.
2104932 Thanks, and sorry about the delay. As much as it pains me, I haven't updated saving in like a month. Seems unfair to them.
2106138 It was just luck that it came out so fast; one stroke of genius after another. But I pushed myself too hard and now my body's shouting at me to have some fun and focus on school. It'll be a while before I manage to get back to this.
And I know that feel, I read at school all the time. I need to watch over my shoulder and make sure no one sneaks up on me
2107992
No prob. 'Tis what I do. And I will remember not to point it out anymore. I have to do stuff like that for multiple people. psp7master is a Brit so he says things different than I (American), so I learned to ignore some things, like he uses "all be it" and I use "albeit". Style choices.
And I left a small opinion on the story in a separate comment (always do a separate comment so they can delete my corrections). I like it. Really good. I am really enthralled by this story and always look forward to an update.
Great story bro but when do I get more??? I realize this chapter came out like two days ago and I'm not trying to rush anypony just need to Twilight my schedule around to include reading time for this story
2108032 Yeah, all these different englishes. Thanks for doing the correcting for me, encase I haven't already thanked you.
2112861 :3 I'm glad you like it. Unfortunately it'll be a bit until the next chapter comes out, since I have a second story to update as well.
2112985
'Tis what I do.
2112861 damn... well then ill read that one
2117769 It's a bit longer~
2117825 saving the ponies right???
2118275 Indeed
MOAR! DAMNIT, MOAR!!!
2127783 Oh, I guess I have one rather vocal fan~
Still, it's gonna take a bit, sorry.
2128243
I was thinking of setting up an RP in this universe. May I have your permission for that?
2128382 Oh, I remember you now sweety~
Sure thing, I'd love to have an RP in my sexoholic universe. I might even try yo participate again. How did the other RP end up?
2128441
Going on 60 pages right now. Clash has found another partner. He forgot about you because he was turned into a demon...
If you show up again, he would remember you, and things would get smothered in feels.
Whens the next chapter
when is the next chapter going to come out this is a great fan fic! i love the idea of vinyl having to hide herself
2212473>>2293689>>2446756
Why yes, I am indeed my good fellows. Feel free to check my newest blog post for an update on the situation.
Dude just checked the blog and it said banana so that's awesome
Banana-"hey Max?"
Brony laughsatme-"yes?"
Banana-"do you remember when you tried to blend me into a smoothie?"
Brony laughsatme-"uh hehe I can't remember"
Banana-"we'll maybe this will refresh your memory!! *pulls out a prison shank*
---------
Welp that sucks it seems i have been stabbed and am now bleeding profusely, I bid you farewell for I have to go to the hospital.
Bye bye,
If I die kill the banana but don't harm the
pop tarts
Dammit why am I in the story!!??
...
I mean what? Brandon? That's a weird name, what kind of name is Brandon am I right?
6306789 I know a Deshaun, so don't be talking about weird names.
The poniest names literacy can write!
Okay... This went from 0 to 1000 like.... "Oh I've got just a year left in highschool before I can get out of it and relax every once in a wh-oh now I'm an actual pet, with a collar and everything. To a vampire that wants to kill me. Constantly. And I'm probably gunna lose my virginity in some weird vampire hymen-blood thing. Thanks life"