• Member Since 31st Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday


I specialize in shipping, but I suck at it.


Cloudchaser has always been tired of life in the Marejave, longing for something not coated in 200 year old dust, and when Canary Belle,one of Applejacks Rangers, trots into her life, her wish might just come true.
Based on the DLC Old World Blues, this story is set in the Fallout Equestria universe, continuity wise it takes place after (SPOILERS)Friendship City is blown up.
EDIT: NOW ON EQD (by technicality) http://www.equestriadaily.com/2012/01/new-falloutequestria-side-stories.html
Please don't be too harsh , if you don't like it, please tell me why. I'd like to improve.
I'm an artist mainly, and this is my first try at really writing something long and, hopefully you can look past my bad writing.
I cannot format for shit, so any help would be massively appreciated. Like, explaining it doesn't help me at all. Its kind of my fatal flaw when it comes to writing. Please, anyone who can, I would like a prereader.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 24 )

I am CC and I claim first post! All in all, it's pretty lulzy and I might have to spark up a page on ENDR devoted to it for the lulz of others.

1981663 Oh great, we've got another Regidar, don't we?

I'm confuzzled:rainbowhuh:

1981695 Regidar, known by some as the greatest troll on FIMFiction, is a currently inactive user on this site. His mission for a while was to be everywhere, to the point that it became almost impossible to beat him to first post.

Not bad, not bad at all. My only complaint is that you have a few too many tags. Tragic and Comedy shouldn't go together, really.

Also, are those... penises I see wriggling on its feet?

Yeah, I wasn't sure whether that would be ok. It will get sad, but I couldnt pick that.

I just started playing Old World Blues yesterday.

This is GOLD. I can't wait until the actual "story" starts.


Also, thank god someone actually has decent cover art for one of these stories, I was damn near close to driving a screwdriver deep into my temple.

Bonus points for old world blues crossover as well. Sierra Madre is godmode, but it's essentially pointless seeing as Kkat ripped everything off already.

Oh, yes I found it. :rainbowlaugh: It's good when people have cover art before they posting story. Catch upvote and, fav. Still my opinion is the same, this is two fillyfoolers main characters, and until you add at least some stallion here it will be not pleasure for me to read this. :ajbemused: Story is not very good written right now, so I need some compensation, but you at least pointed it in the beginning of story without cheating on reader, like some writers. I will read this anyway. You can ignore this comment, it's not that this issue important for someone other than me, so all you must know, what I want you to continue write it, despite of anything. :ajsmug:

Because no one else have said it, welcome to the Fo:E herd

2057818:twilightblush: I just found out about me being on EQD. Transcripted reaction :pinkiegasp: HOLY FUCK

Well you are also added to the 2 Fo:E groups in here so yea, expect just an little more trafic to the story the next pair of days.

Oh and that is just an "standard" list, nothing really special at coming on that one, sorry to say that. All Fo:E stories get on it at some point

Technicality still counts.
I know that, its still nice that I'm on the cover thingie.

Ok start, but I would point out that FO:E actually mentions that the Enclave favored homosexuality because it kept the population down.
Beyond that, Cloudchaser repeatedly says that this is not a part of the story she wants to tell and that she wants to get over with it soon so she can move on to the "actual story". If your first chapter isn't part of the actual story, why have it at all?

You could fix this a number of ways:
Condense it all into a third person information dump and get it over with.
Skip the prologue and let this information come up in later chapters when it becomes relavent.
Embellish it and let the prologue be Cloudchaser bragging about how awesome her ancestor was (and by extension, how awesome she is for taking up the mantle).

In any event you don't want your narrator telling your readers that they shouldn't be enjoying the story.

While the last chapter seemed slower then it should have been, this one seemed much faster. It's ok to have a blunt writing style when the narrator isn't supposed to be intelligent, but when a character falls to the floor crying with no warning and then recovers completely after a short hug it suggests mental problems. The actions of the mother (firing a gun inside as a wake up call, threatening death to any who disturb her, and encouraging her daughter to leave home with the first stranger who shows up) also indicate mental instability.

This chapter is pretty short right now so it would be easy to add more and slow the pace down a little. Have Cloudchaser realize how distressed Canary is before she breaks down. Don't let Canary get control of herself again so quickly. Have the mom explain why it's time for her daughter to leave. We don't know these characters yet so it's just as important to let us see who they are as it is to say what they do.

And the biggest sign things are going to fast: nothing happened and you already gained a level.

Thanks for the info on how this could be better, I really appreciate it, because I'm far from perfect at this writing thing. Looking back now I'm just like ":rainbowhuh:Wow, you're right." I'm just afraid of being longwinded, so I rushed it because I didn't want to get people thrown off by length...Although this is FoE, so that was kind of stupid. All your criticisms and suggestions are good, and very helpful. Thanks :twilightblush:

I know that was true in the future, but I imagine in the beginning that it would be different, and those things didn't become a problem till later.

Embellish it and let the prologue be Cloudchaser bragging about how awesome her ancestor was (and by extension, how awesome she is for taking up the mantle).

I'll try that, but for now, I just finished editing the first chapter according to your suggestions, although it's still not that great, but its as good as I can make it for now. I hope you at least enjoy a little of what I fixed. :twilightsmile:

I like how you fixed up the mother's part. She's still crazy, but now ponies recognize it. Canary's still a little on edge though. It's kind of funny how she's acting as the voice of reason while dealing with her own mental problems. Like the mom, you don't have to change that, but you should take a better look at it.

Everyones a little nuts in FoE!:pinkiecrazy: I mean, blackjack sees a stallion that doesn't exist, velvet has an fixation/addiction to a memory orb, steelhooves is so fucked up it's just not worth discussing, Littlepip was addicted, the list goes on.
But yeah, Canary has some problems I do plan to deal with. And I did want Cloudchaser (Senior) to come off as a little off, even in the wasteland.


the Enclave favored homosexuality


That's goddamn hilarious but I would clearly remember something as off as that during my read through of the fic.

Okay, now her mother is best pony in story. :rainbowlaugh:
I like when story takes place right after or during FoE. :pinkiehappy: Continue to writting it. Maybe it even will take us to something interesting. :rainbowlaugh:

Chapter 43 page 1816 in my version. In a discussion on why Life Bloom was punished for his homosexuality:

“Fer the same reason, Ah’ll reckon, that the Enclave rewards it,” Calamity said, approaching us, his words prompting another wait, what? from the little pony in my head. “Population control. Small place like The Republic, Ah bet they needed as many babies as they could get”

Excerpt From: Kkat. “Fallout: Equestria.” iBooks.
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Hey, I´lo preread this! Message me back if you want me to. I'll be more than happy to help you out and get a good read in along the way. :raritywink:

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