Twilight Sparkle is an amazing pony. She's smart, talented and beautiful. I'm sure her all of her close friends would agree. But, after they find out they all love her, they're not sure the fighting will ever end.
Chapters (11)
LankyLuna
Joined 17th Jan, 2013 ·
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
dood, WHOA.I like where this is heading, dood.
Could use a bit of filling out but the idea is solid! The one thing that bothered me in the first chapter was the end, it ended at 4pm... You could have wrote, "the group of ponies played into the early evening" or "the sun was starting to drop as the girls played with their pets.". Like the idea good luck!
Paragraphs are your friends.
Not mine though. We don't get along at all actually. Not since our big falling out in high school.
very curious where this is going ^^
also, caught little typo:
"Twilight said grabbing Applejack's extended hand and stood up."
Time to be
obnoxioushelpfullobnoxiously helpful.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Needs quotations after Twilight.
Spells should not be capitalized.
Needs a scene break of some kind. Perhaps Twilight checking her checklist here, then the scene transitions over to the park.
Dash should be capitalized.
Since blushing comes after an ellipse, it does not need to be capitalized. (I think.) Also your ellipse is missing a period. Unless that was intentional, in which case an extra space worked it's way in.
No period at the end.
Guessing you meant hoof? Or perhaps foreleg.
Those quotation marks at the end. Highly elusive creatures.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, Imma stop bothering you know.
Like the idea. But there were many grammar errors and to me it seemed like it changed too fast at some points, if you wouldn't mind I would like to edit this for you and add a bit more to the story but then again you might find this offensive but hey, we all learn from our mistakes right?
Just a few errors here and there, and could use some more details.
I still really enjoyed reading it, though. Can't wait to see more!
Needs a little polishing but the story is sound, tracking this.
What they said. This will help to differentiate between scenes.
Capitalisation will be useful too.
Could be worded differently to not sound so, weird:
Maybe, up to you though.
s'ok. I mean, its a good start. There are definitely problems, though. Namely the aforementioned paragraph problem, and try not to actually use numbers. Also, maybe its just a pet peeve of mine, but you shouldn't really use fan phrases inside the narrative, namely 'mane 6'. I know you use it for the sake of a joke, but it just comes off as incredibly awkward, plus it lends a...personality, for lack of a better term to the narrative, which third person omniscient shouldn't have. It isn't being told to us by a narrator
Everypony loves Twilight? Well duh, who woul--Oh! Oh you mean as a ship fic! Right
Inb4 twilight is straight
harem.
it's really that simple.
*marked for read later*
2002633 Come on, surely you've read enough fanfiction to realize that straight ponies are just a myth?
2008230 You know it
2002381 Fixed, thanks!
2002086 Fixed
It's a bit rushed and the dialogue seems rusty and stiff. But I still like it.
2010930 Eh, sorry. I haven't written in so long. This story might be my comeback
I hope it gets better for you!
Sweetie Belle must be some kind of genius. Nopony else would ever think to take an inherently flawed plan, that was universally hated and had the potential to destroy everypony's way of life forever, and try it again without changing anything. It's perfect!
2011119 Silly Sweetie Belle!
Twinkie for the win. Or Twishy. Great job so far! Still, the only issue is grammar. I like it a lot, though!
I can't wait to see what happens next!
2011205 I'm not even sure yet. But I'm rooting for Fluttershy too!
well crap, i've always been partial to a twidash pairing. anyway, good job on the story, but maybe you should put those little transition things other authors use when you switch between characters? just an idea.
2011348 Will do. Thanks for the input
2011358
no prob.
It's not fa-a-air!
You could use this. It's correct in grammar (pretty sure) and it makes a good show of the fact shes crying.
2011119
......
Isn't trying the exact same thing multiple times and hoping for a different outcome the "definition of insanity"?
2011223
I vote for herd ending!
Twilight x rest of Mane 6
2011392 Hehe, maybe that'll happen? Nopony knows
2011392 Done. Thanks, bro.
2011415
lol you responded to my herd ending comment instead of my grammar one. lol
2011415
Also it still says
It's not fa-a-air!
need that "NOT"
2011457
I saw the twilight x mane 6 comment first
2011496
yeah, or sometimes they make the title of the book into those shortened versions (like the cutie mark crusaders is referred to as the CMC) and then put symbols around it to make it look cool. i'll see if i can find a good example from one of the other stories i have saved.
2011517 Hehe, okay. Take your time
2011119 I know right, it's like "CUTIE MARK CRUSADER LIFE RUINERS, YAY!"... OR SOMETHING.
2011496
like this! ~MC~MC~MC~. just something that looks neat that signify's the transition from character to character.
2011496
Their called Line Breaks
In this it is done by typing
[ H R ]
Without spaces.
you could also do some other styles
~~~~
~~*~~
and so on and so forth
2011530 Thanks. I'm an idiot
2011547
Nah with this your now a writer....Not much difference when it comes to some people but i'm also guessing you're new to the site (or at least to formatting stories) so then it makes sense.
2011556 Yeah. Thanks, you're a great help!
2011565
No prob man. If you want actually i'd be willing to proof read your stuff before you put it out here if you would like me to.
2011589 Yo, that'd be awesome! Thanks /)
2011595
No Prob. Just send me the chapter through a PM (Message) and I'll take a look at it as soon as I can.
(\
I'll also go through the first two a little before I hit the hay here.
2011603 Okay! Thanks, again!
A love potion for Twilight in order to have her fall in love with Rarity? I fail to see how that can possibly go wrong,hell it worked out perfectly the first time with Big Mac and Cherilee
P.S:Since Twinkie is my OTP,i am hoping those two get together.
I absolutely love this although I haven't seen any updates in a pretty long time. Will there be any more chapters?
(Rooting for TwiDash. Have been ever since I read 'Building Bridges' <3)