Although fighting in the Arena is life-or-death, SandShift finds that the world outside of the Arena is just as dangerous.
First story written. Would love constructive criticism. I was just trying out the beginning of an idea.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 15th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Jun 3rd, 2022
SandShift
Sandshift is an open and fairly active member, and is always willing to help. Feel free to message me!
SandShift
Joined 15th Sep, 2012 ·
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Nice beginning of a story! I'm looking forward to the second chapter!
You should think about joining the group called "Feature Box Crusaders." You will be welcomed with open arms there. I think. Its a nice group, and I'd like to have you there.
Yours truly, JerryTheHouseGhost
This is quite interesting, even though I'm not even interested in the subject matter, truly. It is written well, plus there. A couple of things-
Why is it when you have dialogue you don't put spaces in between the next para or the next bit of dialogue?
A second thing. Would Celestia allow gladitorial fights ever? It seems out of character for her... for obvious reasons. It appears as though people think as the space between Celestia and Canterlot grows the less her reign becomes prominent. It isn't necessary, but perhaps you explain something to us about Saddle Arabia that we don't know?
One last thing. OC's. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your OC thus far. But there are a lot of OC stories. Remember to tell us what sets your story apart from all of those others, because sometimes people have good stories, but their characters are run of the mill OC "I am the hero, the protagonist" stories.
Anyway, don't worry about my pandering. This is only something of note, and the story is good. Good start to a first story so far!
- Church
1977529
exactly what I wanted to hear.
Ok, this is awesome feedback, thank you so much!
1) I'm really glad you like my style of writing. I was scared it would be too weird. Additionally, I tried to space everything out, but I can totally fix that.
2) My idea for the fights was supposed to show that her power in that area has been dramatically diminished or placed somewhere else, so I'll see if I can write more about it.
3) I'm also trying to make my OC be torn between his role as a "hero," and just trying to be who he once was. But, we'll see how it turns out!
Thanks again!
~SandShift
1978648 No problem! Thank Jerry for sending me your way.
The dialogue thing is an easy fix, I was only curious as to why you did it, haha.
And I don't know if you've read a lot of OC stories, but I might suggest reading some. Especially some not so good ones. Why? So you know what to avoid doing. The main thing is that you have to give your OC a different voice than what others have. And I can't stress enough on OC's. Because I like them. And I have a few of my own. And... they don't even have names, haha.
KEEP WRITING, YOU
1978682
That Jerry guy's just so nice.
I'm still new to the spacing style on the site.
Okay, well I think I'll do that before I make the next chapter or around there. I don't mean to be rude at all, but may I use your stories as a good basis of what all to do?
Thank you!
1978708 Oh dear lord, my stories?
Ok. My OC stories are less than spectacular. But if you want one of my originals, THIS ONE was posted to RBDash47's Vault and people seem to like it, but YOUR writing is better (Ugh, my third story ever). I... I would advise reading some others. The VOICE in my story is what makes it different. But your story requires an entirely different voice.
1978736
They seem pretty good so far! Don't sell yourself short... "Give the main character a sex scene with Twilight"
I'll check that one out as well. I'll need all the examples and ideas I can get! You're a good writer!
It's definitely... Other than every story I've ever read.
So many secrets...
So much refferences to past.
Make sure you make these things clear.
But not too soon though
1982796 It's definitely.... What?
Okay, thank you for the tip. I'll keep it in mind
But are you a MERRRRRRRCIIIIIILLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSS GLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAADIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOORRRRRRR!!!???
2035610 Sometimes, you're forced to be merciless. When you have the option, do you try to remember who you are?
For o'er the sand the ponies sing
Of the fears that hold no sway
Of the land that's bright, or the cool moonlight
And the dreams of the cast away
There, have some 45 second original poetry. You deserve it.
2058488 That was glorious! Thank you so much for that! I also hoped that means you liked the story. And, if you ever want someone to read your poetry, I'd be honored
2060133 Thanks, it'd be an honor for me if you did.
Wait, this doesn't have enough views. Hang on one second...
2060246 The honor is all mine. Thanks for the views?
2060302 Oh yeah, I'm just blogging about you.
2060362
Aww, aren't you the just the nicest? My stories aren't that great. 
2060373 YOU INSULTING MY TASTE IN LITERATURE FOOL?
2060373I put this on tumblr for my fans... is it okay, or should I revise the post?
2060388 Thank you so much, that's so kind of you! That's perfect. I'll try not to make it too bloody/violent/risque, mmkay?
2060388 Additionally, you're taste in literature is impeccable
Also! Consider yourself followed on Tumblr.
2060404 Thanks! And, back at you!
Oh, hey, you. Is that another chapter I smell?
2108102
Your nose does not lie. In fact, there are two chapters in which I hope you enjoy!
