- Member Since 14th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 17th, 2018
Sugar Moon
Brony form Northern Ireland. Think that kinda says it all really. For now at least
Sugar Moon
Joined 14th Feb, 2012 ·
Offline
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It's got a lot of promise but I think it needs some proofreading, as I think the language is making it difficult to discern exactly what's going on here.
1967106 Thank you. Unfortunately I don't have a proofreader but I was a bit worried about this story. The time jumps aren't as clearly marked as I would of liked but hopefully its not too much of a mess.
I'll have to get around to finding a prereader at some stage but since it was 2am where I am when I finished I decided to post it.
1967168
More than happy to beta read if it means more Rarity stories
Jumps around way too much, one sec she's alone, then her friends are there, then two seconds later she's alone again...way to confusing and I have no clue about what's going on until near the end. You should have kept it much more linear in my opinion.
>Paper is different and oddly, maybe paper and ponies are more alike than we realise.
did she died
1967450 I'm gonna hold you to that haha. Though I think it'll be a while before Rarity shows up again. Shes been in far too much of my stories.
1967532 um eenope
1967501 Mostly agree but the way the story was flowing this felt more natural. I did think about adding line breakers and basically labeling the flashbacks but again I felt it interrupted the flow. If it helps the story goes rarity present->rarity flashback->applejack present->applejack flashback->present
Course if you didn't like the story then the whole explanations moot anyway. Still hope this clears up the confusion that was entirely my fault to begin with.
1971160
Ghey.
1971160 Oh I understood at the end when I figured out what was going on. I think it's a good story, just hard to enjoy with the whole present-flashback-present thing. But I'm the kind of guy who likes to see the bright side of things, at least you're trying to bring some originality, unlike some people who only do the same exact thing as other, more popular authors on this site. So for that I suppose you deserve a mustache and a like
.
Cool.
Thank you for not killing off Rarity. I don't think it deserves a Romantic or Dark tag though. Death is not dark, it's sad but neutral. Little romance never hurt, but that's not really the focus of the story is it?
2485784 True enough but since it's rated an everyone story I feel the dark tag is somewhat warranted. For an all age audience at least. If it was teen or higher then yeah it's unnecessary but for here it fits, albeit haphazardly. Ditto for the romance tag. While not central to the short story, it does determine the actions of Applejack a fair bit and adds to the ending I feel.
They're probably not needed but I'm far too lazy to change them now
Oh. I... Didn't even think that... Oh...............