Big Mac has finally decided to sit down. He has finally decided to share his story. The story of his war. The story of what he went through, what Apple Bloom, Apple Jack, Braeburn and every Armonian went through. The time has come.
Chapters (8)
Caleb Roy
Joined 5th Jan, 2013 ·
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42 empires.
42.
The answer for everything.
What you did there.
I like that shit.
Anyways, I like this story so far.
On a scale from one to ten you get...
Eleven moustaches! Which means I could as well grade you...
▲
▲ ▲
Triforce!!!
I leave a brief description of each empire in the next chapter if you want me too
this is getting good.
Ok... People who like this and are reading it, you must spread the word to read the story... The Outsiders, I would like to see if other people like it, but i don't think they are reading it for random reasons... thanx, and have a nice day... God bless!! Also, glad you enjoy it all those who are reading it.
A review brought to you by: Action Stories
Wow. Did this chapter move quick.
First it started out with a glowing red sphere, then a quick sentence about Canterlot and the Mane 6, then the enslaving of ALL OF EQUESTRIA...
It feels very, very rushed. And it probably is. You explained the lore well, but there was no mystery. No suspense. For instance, what was that glowing red sphere? You just grazed over it, and then just ditched it. Or why not slowly reveal the lore to us, showing Big Mac living in this post-Equestria enslaved work, starting with Big Mac working for the aliens as slaves, or hiding in his house. I'll give a shot at it.
Instead of quickly scanning over the backstory in only a thousand words, pick a scene and go with it. It'll be much more interesting hearing about this world instead of someone simply telling us straight out. And, if you decide to use a scene similar to this one, you have more conflicts such as lack of food, water, Apple Bloom is sick or something, etc. Just to prove it works, a similar tactic was used in The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins, a highly popular and praised novel.
Also, you don't have to keep using parentheses "()" so often! We don't need all of this additional information or foreshadowing to the future! It leaves no suspense, no mystery. For instance, take this line.
That's no fun! How about a scene where the main heroes are being killed and are at their last stand when huge mobs of dragons begin to close in overhead. The heroes think they're dead, and the dragons suddenly begin attacking the Dragononians instead of the ponies. That would be an amazing scene, and I as a reader would LOVE to see that happen! But you simply spoil it by giving us that information.
If you want to give us this information, explain it through dialogue, through action, through thoughts! And most importantly, IN SCENES! But in my opionion, most of the parentheses that you used are pretty useless, and simply give us too much information to be much drama and suspense.
That's it for the first chapter! Others include some plot holes, of course the lack of dialogue, but above were simply the biggest areas you should fix. If you need additional editing, further explanations on what I reviewed, or simple help on this, feel free to send me a PM! I have a pretty erratic schedule, but I'll be more than happy to allocate time for any writer willing to learn.
Good luck writing!
Once again, review brought to you by: Action Stories, and the reviews for the rest of my chapters as well.
Uh, okay.
Battle scene. That... that wasn't very good. Sure, things were happening. Moving from point to point, securing buildings, gathering intel, but wow! that wasn't exciting. I'll go through step by step, detailing some of the major things you could use some work on, then give an example of something that might work a little better.
1. Goal = Stakes
You wrote the ponies "wanted to find out more about the Dragononians". It's decent, finding intel to learn more about your enemies and plan further attacks, but it could be so much more better. For one, there are no high stakes. Why are the ponies so desperate to gather intel? Why do they want to risk so many lives? Give them a plot-related cause that gives them enough reason enough to do such a risky thing. Perhaps the Dragononians are searching Equestria for a secret alien relic (perhaps the Elements of Harmony), which is why they came to Equestria. With the relic, they'd be unstoppable, and perhaps use it to power their superweapon. You need specific plot conflicts to match such the reason why they are doing this attack. Time limits are also very good at doing these, giving the heroes only a short amount of time to make rational decisions.
Original:
With Plot/High Stakes
2. Motivation-Reaction Units (Derived from here)
What MRUs are break down into three parts. They include:
1. Motivation
2. Reaction
3. Rational Action/Speech
Quoting an example from Randy Ingermanson (at the link above), this is what it would look like.
Include, include, and I repeat, INCLUDE THESE! These make the scene more descriptive and adds pacing within your stories, instead of a simple action and watching someone fall. By showing these specific details, you make your story so much more suspenseful and gripping. I'll take a quick scene from your story, and demonstrate for you.
Original:
Now adding MRUs.
Probably the two biggest ones that I saw. Like I said, if you'd like to work with me further, a PM will do it. Good luck writing!
2063361 Thanks for the advice... perhaps I will have to do some of tat, but the reason that I didn't go in depth with that was because the focus is more on the toll of the war and how it came to Equestria, than actually on the origin and so forth of the Dragononians, but thank you for the advice, and I may have to work on tat.
2063698 Ok, one you are totally right... I do ave to work on some tings in my story if I want people to read it... tanks for the advice, and I hope you don't mind, but I will use some of the stuff you wrote to me... I also realized that I should look at a specific capter like every week and review and peraps rewrite or edit it... Tanks man also waht is a PM, and if it will help me, lets do it... Thanks again, bye.
2063361 Okay dude thanks for the advice... I just worked on the first chapter again, and I ask that if you could possibly read it and let me know what you think... If like say what you like, and please give me more advice... Thanks
Ok readers... I am letting you know that I am reediting some of my story so if you get the chance... reread a chapter or two, i am taking Toothless advice because I think it is good advice.... also sorry I haven't been posting recently just been busy but the next part should be here in a little while, like I said, I am doing some serious revising.
1982563
One does not simply copypaste the Triforce!
New review! Sorry I was so late to this. I got caught up with a ton of stuff, and I needed to finish it first before editing.
First, "This" is lowercase. Second, the "Planet" Equestria? Most people think of Equestria only as a single empire or country. There perhaps exist many other empires/countries on the same planet, such as one for the griffons or for the dragons. Perhaps you can make a name of a planet, and use "Equestria, planet of [Insert Name]", or simply use...
Like I said, you don't need many of these excessive parentheses, ESPECIALLY parentheses within parentheses. There is another symbol used for that, but we don't really need this information. Simply delete it. The Dragononians wouldn't give services to fight the Dragononians.
Just a couple nit-picking things. I'm not going to do this for the entire chapter, or else this review would be too long. I just focused on those because they started the chapter, and they need to be the best. If the beginning is bad, they wouldn't want to read the rest.
I noticed many capitalization errors. "PonyVille" is spelled "Ponyville", "AppleBloom" requires a space, and other places as well. Just go through with a fine comb and fix those up, or have an editor do that.
What I believe you need the most is "Show, don't tell." You skip over so many possible scenes, and yet you simply replace it with a line of inner dialogue.
Instead of telling us they snuck out of the house undetected, draw out the scene for us! Show us how Big Mac and Apple Bloom stayed up late waiting for the dark of night! Show us them sneaking out of the house and trying to avoid the guards! Show how they almost get caught, but his quick thinking gets him out of the situation. More like those would really make your story more interesting.
I really wish I can go over your story with a finer comb instead of simply skimming over. Perhaps we can get together and you can upload your story to Google Docs or something. Then I can comment it up, and show you all the places where I feel you should fix up, or replace with another scene, or whatever.
But in my opinion, I believe this story needs some major reworking, and is far from being a finished product.
2100869 Sounds good will have to go through it again
2100869 alright Toothless what should I call Equestrian then because I just saw the planet as Equestria but it is true it is a country
2100869 I added more to the scene you thought I should go more in depth in hope you like it... Also, ya, I made naother story called Mr. Timn the Librarain... see what you think, but that one was more for fun
2104797
Don't know. It is your story, so take some time to think about it. If you can't come up with one, just leave it at "This is Equestria."
Sure, if I have some spare time.
2105372 I picked the perfect name by the way... it is so perfect... it has secret meaning
2063361
Sounds like the biggest issue you feel this story has is flagrant disregard of 'Show, don't tell'.
It's something a lot of young authors need to learn to strive for.
2156641 I agree
There are many interesting novels that definitely deserve our attention, one of my favorites is the Outsiders, which talks about the topic of friendship and its value. Perhaps you will be interested in reading the article https://scholarlyoa.com/friendship-in-novel-the-outsiders/ which deals with this work. There are two competing gangs here, depending on their socio-economic status. In the novel, we learn that no matter what happens, the family is always there.