Sipping iced coffee, penning pony tales, and spreading love—embracing the sweetness of existence, one adventure at a time! (CLOSED) Kofi! Commissions!
I guess you're wondering who am I and why you’re reading this,right? Well, to start, my name is Graphite. I attend Celestia’s School for Gifted Ponies as a Senior. I wanted to tell you how the worst day of my life became the best. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, really...
(Rated Teen For: Language and Sexually Provocative Dialog)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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will read later....
Ooh, well-written. Even for a shortie, that's not bad.
Pacing seems to somehow work ok.
Good job, mate.
Awwwww. This was absolutely adorable. I loved it
That was so adorable.
I feel like squeeing. I just did. 
And you showed up that bitch at the end, love it.
it was fairly decent, a tiny bit boring but it was okay and i'm glad it didn't turn into some fetish sex thing like most of these stories seems to do.
This was reeeeeeeaaaalllllllly cute!!
Like so adorable.
I agree with the rest it's really a cute short story
good job
Hello, I'm FluttershyisMetal, a reviewer for WRITE. WRITE is a group that will review a story for an author if given the explicit permission to do so. I'd like to start off by saying not to take anything that I say personally, this review is meant to improve your skills as an author. Nothing more and nothing less. Without further delay, let's hop right in, shall we?
Grammar/Formatting:
The grammar in this story was pretty good most of the time, but there were a few errors found throughout the story. There were many issues made throughout the story, a lot of which having to do with misused phrases and words placed in places where they aren’t necessary.
The correct form of the phrase is “all of a sudden”, not all of the sudden as you used in the story.
Yet again, you misused a phrase here by saying “popped in” as opposed to the correct form of “popped into.”
Aside from the incorrect use of phrases, there were also issues of word choice. I will only point out a few examples but there are many to be found within the story.
Because isn’t a word that should be used in this situation and there is an omitted word in between “knew” and “was.”
“Then” should be omitted in this sentence and there should be a “was” before you say “clued in.” Those are just a couple of examples of the grammar issues within the story, there are a few more present. It would be best to get another editor to help you go through the story and correct the issues that I have pointed out and the others that I have not.
Moving on to the formatting, it was carried out decently. You were typically consistent but there were a few slip-ups where you forgot to put a space before a word or you used too many spaces.
There should be a space before “but” in this sentence.
There is an extra space after “popped.”
It appears that you may have accidentally hit the 'enter' key while typing this sentence, as it jumps from one line to the line below it.
Other than the instances pointed out above, the formatting was generally good and consistent.
Plot:
The plot of this story was decent, at best. There was nothing about it that screamed out to me "You absolutely have to read this!" In the end, it was just another romance story that followed a similar plot as a lot of the other stories on this site.
That being said, it wasn't completely bad. Cliche maybe, but not bad. It was somewhat interesting and well-carried out, especially for the length that you carry it out in.
For future reference, try to stand out in the crowd. By saying stand out, I mean to create an idea that will make people want to read more. Even if it is a story similar to this one, you can bypass the issue by adding substance. Another thing is to make sure that the story is actually related to Friendship is Magic. This story had very little association with FiM, which can serve as a deterrent for potential readers. If you manage to do that while staying consistent with formatting and grammar, you will have a truly great story on your hands.
Characters/Dialogue:
The characters were pretty interesting; none of them jumped out to me as a Mary Sue/Stu. That being said, none of them managed to make a permanent impression on me. They were interesting, but not dynamic. None of the characters seemed to deviate from their original personalities, making the characters seem one-dimensional.
Other than that, there isn't much to say about the characters. My advice for future characterization is to make the characters stand out. Make characters have dynamic or complex personalities, something that will make the readers want to know more about them.
The dialogue within the story was typically really good. It was captivating, funny, and made me want to read more about their interactions, especially those between Graphite and Royal Ribbon. Keep doing what you're doing in terms of character dialogue.
Narration:
The narration was typically pretty good, but you did make some not-so minor errors. It seemed that you sometimes forgot that you were writing in past tense.
For example, you wrote the beginning of the sentence in present tense but then switch up to past tense at the end. The second sentence is written in present tense as well. So it reads like this: present, past, present. This WILL lose some readers and possibly confuse them as to when the story is taking place.
Here, you start out in past tense but switch to present tense at the end of the sentence. As I stated above, this will through many readers off as to when the story is actually occurring.
Saying “I must look” has a present tense implication, while the rest of the sentence is written in past tense. It’s best to pick a tense and stick with it throughout the entire story. If you write it otherwise you will almost always lose readers on the subject of when the story takes place. Aside from the tense issues, there are also some issues with the delivery of the narration.
You address the readers too directly here, drawing unnecessary attention to the narrator.
Here, the thought isn't separated from the narration. It would be best if you used what you did earlier in the story and said “I doubted it,” with no mention of thought at all. You could also put “I doubt it” in italics to distinguish the thought from the narration.
There are other instances of the thought not being separated from the narration in the story, which makes it a bit awkward to read. I suggest picking one way of separation and sticking with it throughout the entire story for consistency purposes.
Overall Rating:
Although there were a few errors within the story, the overall product still left me satisfied. With all things considered, I award this story 3/5 Pinkies.
~FluttershyisMetal, WRITE's Official Metal-Head
fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png
2010155
so it's nice to know it didn't like earn a one pinkie or anything. 
I'll try to make my characters more permanent as you said it might take some trial and error though. 
Thanks so much for the review! I will try to fix some of the issues you addressed.
This story was a fun little writing bit for me after about a week of bleh
Thanks again for the review!
2021677 Good, I'm glad to hear that. Good luck with your next stories!
I would love to read more stories on these characters please like I want to know how the dance goes and if anypomy asks ribbon to the dance too. But thouroly I joyed it!!
2675269
Perhaps I will write more about them later on. Hmmmm it is an idea.
But it probably won't happen for a little bit cause I'm trying to focus on my 3 unfinished stories right now.
How the hell did I forget to follow you three years ago!?