• Member Since 28th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Feb 29th, 2012

Fluttershys at my house :)


T

Two Fillies (Padme and SilverStream) are found as Foals With no Memory of there Past all they know is that there From Canterlot. Twilight and Friends decide to help them find out about there Past and around the Same time a Murder Happens they Find Deep Dark secrets That No Pony saw coming!

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 12 )

I finally got round to reading this. I have to say, the plot is good. It's original, and you even created new characters. But you're missing some fundamental grammar here, such as unnecessary capitlisation, missing full stops and commas, new lines for different speakers. You're also not creating any build-up for emotional scenes, such as Cheerilee's dismissal (If that's supposed to be emotional.) She just basically tells them to get lost, and personally, I feel no emotion from that. Maybe a larger vocab as well, you seem to be using the same words again and again.

Take this review with a pinch of salt, seeing as though I'm a rookie writer as well. Don't feel disheartened, I encourage you to write more, just take what I said into account. Other than that, keep going! I like the plot of this! :rainbowkiss: Sorry for the long review. :twilightsheepish:

227595 Cheerilee is supposed to be like Piss Off.
And i do realize i have forgotten things i'm not exactly the grammar person
at least i remember apostrophes :applejackunsure:

Oh i should have mentioned
This is my first Fanfic
I will get better
so don't go to extreme with hate
i feel stupid:ajbemused::fluttercry:

227997 No, you misunderstand. You should keep writing - It'll help you to get better. I don't hate your work at all, the plot is good, it's just there's a couple of mistakes that can easily be corrected. Don't feel stupid, it's only your first fanfic! You have plenty of other opportunities to write more, and it will improve over time. Keep writing! :rainbowdetermined2: I feel mean now. :fluttershyouch:

228624 I did not say i would stop
My brother told me to choose something i liked
and not stop till i'm one of the best
that seems to run in our family
He is one of the best Pivot Animators in the world
my mum is a really good lawyer
my dad is a well known Philosopher
i thought about it last night
I'm going to be a Writer
my brother sucked at Pivot now hes in the top 5 in the country
:pinkiehappy:

229284 That's good then. :rainbowkiss: You will become better.

When you updateing:duck:

when the BUCK are u updating:ajbemused::applecry::rainbowhuh::pinkiegasp::pinkiesick:

Plz reply when you are updating:pinkiehappy::twilightsmile:

omg that was so sad :fluttercry: i dint expec thos 2 to die

Just curious, what age are you? You still don't know proper capitalisation.

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