The Late Afternoon of the Zombie Gerbil Horde

by Eakin

Prelude to Disaster

The Late Afternoon of the Zombie Gerbil Horde

Prelude to Disaster

Equestria was not always the bountiful land of peace and plenty it is today.

What is this story about? This is a story about the bad times. Fifteen hundred years before the Bearers of the Elements led by Twilight Sparkle struck down the beast called Nightmare Moon. Five hundred years before the Betrayal of the Long Night. Historians from the Canterlot of today speak of the deep theological rifts that threatened to tear the young nation apart, rifts that came to a head when some brave pony whose name is lost to the currents of time nailed ninety five theses to the doors of the royal palace and demanded he be permitted entry so that he might denounce the royal sisters as false Goddesses to their face. But this is not a story about that.

Nor is it a story about the swift and brutal response of the royal guard on duty that day, known to those same historians as the Sorry, The Princess Is Having A Bit Of A Lie Down Right Now We Can Pencil You In For Three O’Clock But If This Is About The Fencing Permit Again She Hasn’t Changed Her Mind For Goodness Sake Marty It’s Only Like Twenty Five Bits Just Pay The Stupid Thing This Is Getting Embarrassing For All Of Us incident.

Nor is it a story about the succession crisis that rocked the land in the wake of that turbulent afternoon, the Day Of Can’t I Even Take A Nap Around Here For A Single Hour Without Somepony Banging On The Doors And Bothering Me Buck This I’m Going To The Beach Luna You’re In Charge Until I Get Back, which ultimately led to the abdication of the throne by Celestia and her disappearance for nearly a decade.

Nor is it a story about the spike in piracy that rocked the coastal communities of Equestria when by incredibly unlikely coincidence an alicorn mare calling herself ‘Celestia, Queen of the Pirates’ (What are the odds, right?) began a reign of terror against the merchant ships of the Maribbean Sea with an insatiable hunger for rum, cakes, attractive stallions, and rum cakes. Or the crown’s sudden offer to compensate those same merchants for any damages as long as they kept their muzzles shut about their encounters.

Nor is it a story about why historians in Equestria give events from their past overly descriptive names, or why they’re actually rather bad at making obvious connections between clearly related events.

You might say, “Well why don’t you stop telling us what this story isn’t about and start telling us what it is about? I clicked on the link expecting zombie gerbils, Faust damn it,” or “Wow, this is all really interesting! Please go on,” or “Well, I’m really enjoying reading this story for free on a fanfiction website but is there any way you could sell it to me in e-book form for about $4.99? Maybe throw in some DRM?”

To which I would reply, “It’s called using the cadence of the narrative to provide necessary background exposition while building engagement, you philistine,” and “Thank you! See, first dude? Some ponies appreciate that kind of thing,” and “You should stick around after the end of the story. I have an exciting business opportunity that revolves around owning shares of a bridge in Manehatten and you seem like just the sort of savvy investor who would really go for it,” respectively.

What is this story about? It’s about a Princess struggling against the very culture she leads to find acceptance for her preferred time of the day. It’s about how annoying slang can be to those who aren’t familiar with it. It's about a precocious pony playwright creating a friendship that would span an epic generation gap. It’s about incredibly questionable hiring practices. It’s about how words preceded by too many adjectives can become difficult to correctly parse. It’s about how reading texts above your grade level isn’t always a praiseworthy thing. It's about the dangers of introducing invasive species into a new ecosystem.

Mostly, though, it’s a story about a horde of zombie gerbils attacking the town of Fillydelphia.

I don’t know why you even had to ask. The title was perfectly clear.

Author's Note:

This was supposed to just be a throwaway gag for the last chapter of Duel Nature.

Clearly I've lost control of my life.

Celestia going through a pirate phase was a random idea I had for a Collab Cage piece and couldn't help reusing here.

Comments

[TypewriterError]

Historians from the Canterlot of today speak of the deep theological rifts that threatened to tear the young nation apart, rifts that came to a head when some brave pony whose name is lost to the currents of time nailed ninety five theses to the doors of the royal palace and demanded he be permitted entry so that he might denounce the royal sisters as false Goddesses to their face.

I have not stopped laughing since then.

[Balmas]

Oh heck. I can already tell that this is going in the favorites bin. If the rest is anything like this, I expect much hilarity, meta, and subsequent lack of consciousness due to lack of breath.

Rum, cakes, attractive stallions, and rum cakes...

Yup, definitely in the favorites bin.

[Cascayds]

We need a celestia the pirate story, it sounds like a great idea.

[unknownmercury]

Celestia, Queen of the Pirates... You mind if I jump on that idea?

[Puzzle Reader]

If any of these people end up writing a pirate!Celestia story, can you send me a note or something? That sounds awesome.

[Tobyc]

Historians from the Canterlot of today speak of the deep theological rifts that threatened to tear the young nation apart, rifts that came to a head when some brave pony whose name is lost to the currents of time nailed ninety five theses to the doors of the royal palace and demanded he be permitted entry so that he might denounce the royal sisters as false Goddesses to their face.

For some reason I'm suddenly wondering if there's a connection between him and "Priestess Loofah".