Thunderchaser23
Joined 17th Nov, 2012 ·
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Andd...
OC AND OTHER TAG
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw5569_large.jpg
Not bad you're off to a good start.
Also I know I already posted this but, so Twilight:
You're off to a good start I'd say.
Excellent work.
All I have to say is ME GUSTA
Very well done, plenty of adorable moments, and Rainbow snark.
Keep it up
I like it. Nice slice of life.
Ehh, the opening is a bit cliche. And you really need to work on the mechanics and grammar of your story.
1953741Alright well I'll work on some editing and what not in a bit here. I just woke up.
@Vekalden I know I know. I don't have a proof reader at the moment or an Editor.
Anyways if anyone is willing to help me with the editing of the story please PM Me. and I will hand you a link to the google document.
I personally liked this story. Its a good short story to read. I am looking forward to the next parts.
Now, for the "Everyone hates Midnight's Criticism" Segment...
I found there were grammar errors, like the others said, dialogue from 2 different characters should not be in the same paragraph.
The beginning was... its been done before, to many times by to many people. It works here, but still, after seeing it so many times its kinda a turn off to the rest of the story.
Also, the end, wasn't really a bedtime story, that's the kind of story to hear on those intervention shows... It works... but its just off for me.
Please don't take any of my criticism in a negative manner, I really did enjoy the story.
1957497 Hey as long as criticism is constructive it's all good. Things will get better in the second chapter
Thanks.
Wheres the next chapter kind of want to continue reading up on this.
It's in progress don't rush me!
Um how old is Star Shine because I'm not sure if Luna was around when she was younger.
Also I'm surprised that the CMC actually managed to change a diaper, I guess their maternal insticts kicked in (kids these days).
2062344 Star Shine, not Starlight. And the flash back was 2 months previous too the story :)
2062344 Eh the way I see it is Apple Bloom probably has younger cousins, and hey who knows maybe they have Anatomy class?
This was a good chapter, looking forward to the next one.
Now for teh all important, 'critical' opinion.
I think you may have possibly overused the urinating and messing slightly... I know its a side affect from the potion but still. It seemed just a bit excessive.
I can see Sweetie Belle and maybe Apple Bloom knowing how to change a diaper, but I just don't see it in Scootaloo... somehow, I feel Scootaloo would make a mess of it... pun intended...
Anyway, those are really the only things I found that I didn't like, also, two years old, hmm... seems young for the intelligence level Thunder Chaser is acting at. She seems to be acting around 3 or 4... two works, I don't think you have to explain to everypony that she 'still isn't potty trained' as 2 is still acceptable for not being potty trained, its when you get around 3 or 4 that you have to worry.
2065919 Thanks Midnight. I felt as if i was over using the wetting/messing but I wasn't 100% sure so I just kind of rolled with it. As for Scootaloo, I dunno I think she could easily know. We know pretty much nothing about her home life, so I dunno maybe she has a little sister or something?
And again maybe 2 is a little too young for her. Might just go back and change it to 3.
2065945
-_- We all know Scoots only has one sister and its Dash...
*Prince of Darkenss* THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE SISTER TO SCOOTALOO
*Ozzy* SHARON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buy your copy of world of warcraft today....
references... yes
How did you find out that a sharp change in temperature would affect the bladder of a toddler or is that just another side effect of the potion?(It makes the user senstive to an increase or decrease in temperature)
2064660 Well we do know that ponies mature faster than humans so even though they may assume they are Elementary age it's possible they're a little older, in this case possibly old enough for that theory to make sense.
2070445 A Sharp change in temperature can cause such things in humans. I figured it would be an interesting thing to add, and I can't keep spoiling effects of the potion lol I want SOME things to be kept secret lol.
"Some nights Thunder Chaser was so sad she would harm herself just so she could feel alive."
Well thats the last thing I expected to read in an ABDL story.
2104352
It's not just an ABDL Story. You'll see.
1954303
I'm a member and editor for the group Overly-Extensive Editors, a group of writers who are dedicated to helping improve each others' writing techniques. Feel free to swing by and give us a look if you'd like!
2109709
Joined! Thank you sir.
2109898
Not a problem!
This story is my life in a nutshell. About 40% pure screaming.
2185214 I uh don't know if that's a good thing?
Oh! I wonder what will happen! I know it will be devias...
I'll wear this mustache....
2185249 you should update this dude! Its awesome!!!!