• Member Since 31st Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 22nd, 2019

chaos2012


Action and darkness. Those are my specialties

T
Source

When Braeburn visits Applejack, she and Rainbow Dash decide to take him on a local tour boat to see the crocodiles that reside there. The problem though... They are the ones being watched.

When events turn for the worst, they become trapped on a small island along with the other tourists as a bloodthirsty beast stalks them. The other problem... The tide is rising. Becoming a race against time, the group must somehow get out alive before their island is gone and evade one of the most ruthless predators ever to live.

Based upon the movie 'Rogue'.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 61 )

They're all gonna die.

hehe...hehe...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :pinkiecrazy: My god this is exactly what I'm looking for! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: FINALLY! Chaos I cannot thank you enough. I could not find many mistakes, thought then again I kinda skimmed a bit. (I do that alot even in my stories I skim) I like it! :pinkiehappy: You've given me something to look forward to! Don't they know that the land is not safe? Well they don't know they're dealing with a giant crocodile...Can't wait for the next update :pinkiehappy:

Three words for my summary of this fic: This. Was. Amazing.

...

I await the next chap with much anticipation. :twilightsmile:

Very good, but why dosen't Rainbow Dash fly off and get help for them?

1952452 She broke her wing when the Croc smacked the boat. That means that she's unable to fly for a good while. You probably just missed that part, that's all. :twilightsmile:

Review time for the first chapter.

Okay, I don't usually review a story when it's not finished, but hey, it's authors helping authors.
Overall rating, 8.7. I like the premise, as it is somewhat believable and quite creative. The writing was fantastic, and in fact I am somwhat jealous of your skills in this area. Your flow is nicely paced, and I don't believe it to be too long. Your grammar, however left some things to be desired. Nothing too bad, just a few misspelled words (like I saw a place where 'it' was misspelled), and nothing much else. Good job man.

iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/135539252015.gif?1355423086
This story is so awesome! Can't wait till the next chapter!:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Rogue
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 7.5
Pros:
The pacing. One of the things that attracted me to this story was your question about how long is too long for an opening chapter. I wanted to read your story before giving my response, and I'm glad I did. In truth, an chapter can be as long as you can handle. The pacing of the chapter will determine if it's too long or too short, and that varies according to the author. In this case, your chapter feels just about right. It's not too long that the action moves too slowly, though I think a pre-reader could cut a thousand words or so and make the chapter tighter.
The dialogue. I don't know anything about crocs, so listening to Wrangler answer questions and such was helpful. It sets the atmosphere, though for all I know you might be taking this from the actual movie this is based on. Even if you are, it was still entertaining. All the ponies have unique voices too with good dialogue for their roles.
The idea. I don't read crossover fics ever, and I think this might be the first crossover fic I've read with ponies. That being said, you do a great of setting up this movie event in the world of Equestria. It feels rather authentic. Maybe it helps that I've never seen the movie before, but I know how these kinds of movies play out and I have a feeling you picked these characters to fill specific roles for this specific type of story. Using some traditional character types in this kind of story comes off pretty well, and you deserve some credit for pulling that off with background ponies.

Cons:
The grammar: The story starts off with a few grammar mistakes, but those don't come up again as the story progresses. At least, nothing really major stuck out. This was the major thing that stuck out to me:

At first it was really relaxing to get away from Appleloosa, but as soon as he was stupid enough to suggest doing something fun. Applejack, with a suggestion from Rainbow Dash, chose to take him on a tour to Hayseed Swamps, to go onto a tour boat, to see the local crocodile population there.

I don't think you meant to put a period after 'something fun' but even still, the sentence itself is too long. You might want to consider something like this:

At first it was relaxing to get away from Appleloosa, until he suggested doing something fun. Rainbow Dash suggested to Applejack that they take him on a tour boat to Hayseed Swamps to see the local crocodile population there.

The tags: I had to admit that I don't fully know the descriptions for the tags here, but once you brought up the pictures of ponies attacked by crocs and described them in detail, I got turned off to the story pretty quick. It's just not my thing, personally. That being said, I would say there should be a grimdark tag on here, and a gore mention. You are describing ponies missing parts or a whole leg, and that one pony swallowed whole. And then close to the end with blood in the water - these are all terror aspects, which I thought went under the grimdark tag. Dark by itself seemed more like a horror asspect, in which case the fear comes to the mind rather than seeing the fear manifested. To make it more clear, terror would be something like the Saw movies, and horror would be Silence of the Lambs. This feels more like terror, and unless I am totally off the mark should have a grimdark tag. At the least, there should be a gore warning.
Rainbow Dash: You broke her wing. Descriptions: So one thing that would have made this chapter longer, but still helped out, would have been more attention to the action. I can't picture what this boat looks like, or the wreak they find. Maybe I'm the only one who had this problem, but there seems to be more telling than showing. Now, the pace of the story does move pretty well and nothing feels sluggish or fast - if anything I would say there's a little too much ignoring the things around the ponies. That's more my own personal feelings though rather something you might be doing wrong. I read the chapter from beginning to end and gave it a thumbs up, so I would say style-wise, it's just a difference of opinion.

Notes Section: I read this chapter mainly to offer an answer to your question about chapter length. I think you could stand to cut some words out, but without knowing what your overall plan is, I couldn't begin to tell you what to cut. If you haven't had a pre-reader check this out, I would go look for one to get a better idea of if this chapter is too long. I don't think it is, but I do think you can trim it. A little, certainly not a lot. I most likely won't read more chapters because this story isn't my thing, but you're not a bad writer and this chapter proves that.

I hope you enjoyed your review, and hopefully it doesn't come off as rant/preachy/bitchy/etc. I tried to be as thoughtful as I could be. Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Friendship has a Generous Heart

This review is bought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors (your review as promised)

Name: Rouge

Grammar: 9.5 (highest I go since there's always room to improve:twilightsmile:)

Pros: Fantastic setting, and grouping of Characters.
It's something new
Very well written.

Cons: can't really think of any other than what sirius_face mentioned.

Notes: Wow this story so far is amazing it really drew me in, not many stories do that for me. (Past Sins is example :twilightsmile:) I really like the whole idea behind this story, that and if your info on crocs is accurate, which i'm sure it is it was very informative. It was very well paced and had some great detail in parts. also like that you killed off one of the characters adds to the sense of danger that surrounds them. Keep up the good work, I look forward to the next chapter.

I hope you liked your review don't forget to give my story Guardian of the Hearthfire a like and a review.

This story skipped my 60 'to-read' story long list and went straight to my favourites. Good job!

This review brought to by Authors Helping Authors
Name:Rogue
Grammar: I give it a 7/10
Pros: Its something different from the usual fanfic.
Good word usage in most places.
It has a SyFy movie feel.
Cons: Grammar issues
Use of Applebloom and Diamond Tiara
It reminds me of a BAD SyFy movie

Notes:I like the use of background ponies as characters(Braeburn!!!), but I feel you should use OCs. You're killing ponies I adore. I like the way you write Wrangler. Grammar issues are basic and can be revised by carefully reading over the chapter. Overall, this is an interesting concept and looks good.
If you want more information from me, feel free to message me. When you're ready, Lunar Observations is my story.

Suddenly, the surface of the water several feet out began to bubble up red. Blood began to spread outward, covering up more area. Then, the end of a massive scaled tail broke the water’s surface in the middle of the blood patch, its dark green scales shining in the sunlight. Swinging sideways, it moved away from the island before disappearing completely under water. you killed a side character

t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQutXPmq8TUZYmc4bGqKyTgdiMZuYgclAPGqwdramMPFdW_t64K

1963259 yes I did :pinkiecrazy: . Just so you know, next chapter will be out in probably 2 days

yay more death i hope the mane charcters make it out okay but other then that kill any thing you want:pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy:

Finally I got myself to read it and I an not disappointed :rainbowdetermined2: please keep going and kill some more :pinkiecrazy::pinkiehappy:

This beats watching the movie by a longshot! *has no money* :pinkiehappy:

Didn't expect Bon Bon to be the first, though...Way to go :rainbowdetermined2:

It should have eaten Lyra instead.
She fucked up the whole plan!
Then again, things might have gone south anyway considering what happened to Wrangler.

:rainbowlaugh: my review to this chapter in general. In short *clears throat* I LOVED IT! Oh god this was hilarious. I know this is meant to be a horror fic but...I've seen WAY too many giant croc movies on "SyFy" to be scared for any of these characters. While it is shocking and somewhat sad when they die, I laugh my ass off. Watch the video :derpytongue2:

This was very predictable, except when Wrangler died...and Lyra lived...She lived right?

Do you what's funny? I saw the movie Rogue yesterday, and then the day after, this chapter came up! What a coincidense! Though here the movie is called "Territory" for some odd reason. But I know that it was Rogue.

If Lyra dies...

I will hunt you down, I will find you...

And I will kill you!

I love Taken, never piss off Liam Nelisson

You had me on the edge of my seat, fantastic job.

1984724 There's a movie called Rogue?
Holy shit I thought this was based off of Jaws

1994178 :rainbowlaugh: Well it wasn't, you silly filly! :twilightsmile:

i thought it was a "Lake Placid" thing love that pic though. now i see Gummy with teethe would be scary:twilightoops:

And the last thing the element of Honesty ever does...is lie.

Well...I'm pretty sad...oh well back to exterminating! :pinkiehappy:

O,g you killed aj you killed fucking aj :ajbemused::ajbemused::ajbemused:

Well ... at least they aren't on the island anymore

Ok .. I feel like I should have left a comment here by now, but, I checked, and apparently I haven't commented even once on this fic yet, uh, oh well o.o

My opinions on this fic vary. I have trouble imagining all this gore/blood/dark death going on in a world of ponies. Then again, my imagination isn't very achieving :twilightsheepish:
I mean, this fic is greatly written, things are explained and make sense throughout the story (so far at least ^^ ), and the characters really seem to be acting accordingly to the situation they are put in.
So, what have we got so far:
- An interesting storyline that is very original from what I've seen at least.
- Completely mixed characters (Background/Mane6/OC) toghether for a good reason, and well performed personalities of them all.
- Nothing far out-of-character (Again though, in this situation, which I have partly trouble imagining, heh :twilightsmile: )

About this last chapter. I really didn't expect AJ to get taken, but, that shows that you are telling this story with none of the characters really beeing a "main" character, and, therefor, they all might get taken somewhere in the fic .. which is kind of adding suspense when reading. It's hard to assume anything, as, there are so many ways things can be concluded.

Summarizing: This is a greatly written fic. It's a bit outside what I normally read, but, I enjoyed the first chapters, and, things hasn't gone down from there. I mean, I'm really curious what this will lead up to, heh :twilightsmile:

Liked and faved since chapter 1.
Thanks for writing this and putting it up for everyone to enjoy :)
M
--
chaos, if you dont mind, I found some minor uppercase/lowercase/dot-stuff, heh:

where Lyra, AppleJack and Rainbow were sitting.

lowercase, I think, as long as it isn't depending on the authors choice. If it is, then, my bad :twilightblush:

in front of the swirling water.Then, the sound of something thumping

No space after the dot.

he took his weight off the rock and Sprinted.

lowercase
---
I feel like asking though, does authors mind when getting this minor (mostly pointless) stuff pointed out? :twilightsheepish:

Generally, I don't like gore. However, you've pulled it off quite well, the situation is actually realisitc and the horror is very well done so have a like. I'll be leaving a review on behalf of AHA soon, if I do forget, well PM moi.

sincerely,
vren55

P.S. WHY DID THOU KILL AJ!!

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group and if you haven't realized it yet, the founder of Authors Helping Authors (yes I don't actually just sit around looking pretty at my group)
Name of Story: Rogue
Grammar score out of 10: 8 Don't find anything wrong with it.
Pros (list three pros)
Atmosphere sir. I read it rather quickly, but you managed to focus all that menacing fear and horror into your writing. If I read it any more slowly, I'd get nightmares
Characterization, Wrangler, was meant to provide information and he did just that. he also played his role out to the best and you've got a good grasp on your cast member's roles and what they are supposed to do. Your other canon characters are also done very well.
Plot, for a story of horror equivalent to the Sharks/Pirannah/Aliens genre, this flows very naturally.
Cons (list three cons)
Coincidence. I tend to dislike this in horror stories. Everything seems to happen just in the right place to screw EVERYPONY over. The good thing is that the plot in your story is flowing quite naturally, and makes things believable, but sometimes I still wonder, wow... this seems a little coincidental. AJ and Rainbow's rather convenient injuries being one of them.
I would prefer if you did a litlte more development on Lyra before she panicked like mad.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
For it's genre, its a very good example of a good horror. Menacing, with characters that fulfil their roles and a atmosphere that would make people quake in their shoes. I need to read more of your work!
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her architects you don't have to read the full thing before you give the review.

Comment posted by rarerarity deleted Mar 25th, 2013

2101817 I was suspecting the same thing but seriously?
Did you really need to spoil it?

I feel horrible...While reading the parts with the Rogue, I thought of Fluttershy saying "Nature is so fascinating" in the comic :rainbowlaugh:

Hopefully Aj wakes up before she bleeds out.

Am I sensing some BraeDash in the end there? :ajsmug: A good read, this was :twilightsmile:

Awwwwww!! Braedash! Braedash! BRAEDASH!!

Congrats on completing your first story.

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I love this story.

Great work as always Chaos!

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