After a millennium in exile, Princess Luna wishes to reflect on the actions that led to her banishment as Nightmare Moon. Those actions include adventures long forgotten, secret wars fought by devotes ponies, the advancing of magic unrecorded, and relationships that toil with the future of ponykind.
To most of Equestria, these are old pony tales, myths of the past, legends of a different time. For the two princesses, they are the stories that changed their kingdom forever. This is a tale of uprising and submission. Harmony and deceit. Knowledge and corruption.
This is the origin of Equestria's greatest threats. This is the story of Breakout.
Chapters (1)
Alright, not a bad start!!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Breakout: Equestrian Origin
Grammar score: 8 out of 10
Positive:
Good use of descriptions vs. telling.
Unusual angle- Luna wanting time to atone for her actions.
Good worldbuilding aspects- creating Day of Harmony, references to historical events in a different context than normally seen.
Negative:
Some tense changes in the paragraphs throughout the story.
Some use of plural words when singular should be used.
The connection of the eclipse to Luna’s magic is unclear and confusing.
Comments:
An interesting premise! I especially like how Luna admits to feeling she hasn’t atoned for her actions- most fics go along with the canon storyline of “she’s back and all is well, lalalala.” I really like how you are dealing with her character. Celestia seems in character as well, with a formal, motherly streak that works fine.
I really, really like how you use existing events in a different context. Stories like this give me a little thrill at seeing how different people can use the same building blocks to create something different.
In regards to the eclipse and Luna, I was confused how her magic was being used- your phrasing makes it seem like it should be apparent, but I am lost as to what is going on. Overall, grammar is fairly good, but there are a fair number of tense changes, from past to present and back, and a few places where you use plural tenses when singular should be used. All in all, sounds like a good start to a Luna-centric story that explores an underdeveloped aspect of her character!
Hey, hey, hey, SpeederClaw here with a review from Authors Helping Authors.
[~] Breakout: Equestrian Origin
Grammar: 7.5
Pros:
-The princesses are very in character and the dialogue is well thought out
-Interesting concept with Luna still feeling that dread when she first became NightMare Moon
-Good kick-off start for a prologue
Cons:
-Some unneeded commas (AKA too many at places)
-Plot-wise, it took me a second to realize Luna was atoning for herself. But, I don't really see how the eclipse relates to help. How is it going to help, you have me believing Luna wants to help, but what does it mean? (foreshadow?)
-None? None!
Notes: "Simultaneously their royal horns emitted a contrasting brightness and darkness, and moved the sun and moon respectively across the sky slow enough to see the perfect sunset" (First paragraph). I feel as though you could split that into two sentences, there is just too many 'ands' here and there. I can understand two in a sentence, but three seems overboard in terms of a narrative and not dialogue.
As far as story goes, you did a great job with Princess dialogue (as stated) and you did well with pacing. Events seemed to flow nicely for a prologue, but I'm still confused about the eclipse part and what Luna is planning to do exactly. Maybe explicitly saying she is outright helping or hindering because I'm just getting mixed vibes here. But, that's my two cents, its probably just extreme foreshadow I'm overlooking.
Awesome job overall, just tone down a bit on commas (I'm a sucker for popping them everywhere) and I hope this review helped. Please, if ya got the time, review my story, One Shot, One Chance
~Speedy
REALLY quick impression, because I'm not feeling really up to par tonight, but this flows nicely and I like the changes you've made, especially the beginning, with the description of the spell- good imagery!
The rest is, as you say, much simpler and I like how you're focusing on one small part to start with. When I'm feeling more awake and useful I'll re-read it a couple times and try to give you some more comprehensive feedback, but for now I think this is a good approach. You might be starting small, but I like the way you've introduced some of the political elements, with the council vs the congress and there's a feeling that there's tension between some groups.
Don't worry about taking time, I would say keeping the real world flowing smoothly lets you keep this as something somewhat relaxing. If you let problems IRL build, they'll kill your motivation or enjoyment of this.
More later, I promise!