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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Can't wait for next chapter
(Joke) Alt. Title: Free Fallin'...And Justice For All
Constructive Criticism, ENGAGE!
First things first: INDENT!
Also, it went pretty fast, too fast.
But, it was good in the sense that It was interesting, but I found it hard to read because of a lot of the typos and grammar issues. Ask someone to be your proof-reader, or editor, and it should be good.
Upvoted!
1952945 Thanks, and yeah I did rush it a tad. I didn't want to dwell on the happier aspects of the story for too long. Thought it might get boring to read. I have a full plan for what happens after this chapter though, so hopefully the quality will improve. :D
1952962
I know what its like for idiots to down-vote your story based on the first chapter (which is kind of hypocritical, is you ask me, I mean, they are bronies after all) and I see potential in this story. Mostly because I love tragedies and grimdarks
Interesting start. Could use work on formatting though (needs paragraph indentation). It's good
Thanks for the constructive feedback guys. This is my first time writing a fanfic ever, never mind a FiMfic, its encouraging to know that it's not just being put down straight away . Will sort out any spelling mistakes and indent the paragraphs after I've finished chapter 2. Peace!
At some point you may want to go back and reread this and make it more up to par with the lessons you learned (I'm assuming you've learned some, but if you haven't I read enough that I could tell you what could be better-fast paces, meme over usage, awkward points for reading and some of the more obvious grammar mistakes- if you wanted)
Normally I wouldn't make this type of suggestion, but your first chapter is the hooker and if you suddenly get an influx of readers it would be good for you to get your chapters upgraded and who knows this might get front page oneday
Supreme Dictator Pleaseworkforonce out
Lol Fallout Equestria has ruined that name for me, can't even read calamity anymore without picturing that red Pegasus.... Anyways on topic nice start going to see where it goes.
This is gonna be good
i like this story so far, but there is something.
My computer is crap so i have to fight pop -ups and stuff.
So every so often a word in the story is hyperlinked to an ad. So i see stuff like this.
and this
It is my computers fault but there is something humorous about random words getting so much emphasis.
As promised, I'm going to be commenting chapter-by-chapter if possible when I reread this!
The only problem I found upon reading this chapter again is that the mane six meetup was a little too drawn out. Bonus points for going out of your way to show that each pony was still in-character (Pinkie rambling, RD making a dynamic entry, etc.) and I can appreciate that, but pacing-wise I think it would have served the story better to just summarize the whole thing in a paragraph.
But that's just me.
Otherwise, like I said, you've rendered the characters faithfully. This was a good start.
I like how light most of this first chapter is. It shows that even though this is a dark story, it's still part of the bright and happy Equestria. And the character's personalities come across so quickly that I think even someone who hasn't seen the show could grasp them. I rather wish this intro had gone on longer before the drama hit.