I make fanfiction sometimes. Just call me 'Talentless'.
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While stargazing, Twilight meets a rather cool-headed stallion who seems to enjoy astronomy just as much as she does.
But when Twilight starts feeling weird around him, she feels the need to discover the answer with the only way she knows how...
RESEARCH.
A Comet TailXTwilight Sparkle ( ComArkle / TwiTail ) fanfiction.
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Could use a tad smoothing out (dialogue/descriptions seem a bit blocky at times.) Otherwise......
This has caught my interest....I shall follow.
Following at full warp speed.
2945369
Yup!
2945526
Yeaaah, you'll have to forgive me on that. Twilight is actually my least favorite of the mane 6 (I still like her though. She's just my least favorite), so I don't have her exactly down pat. Hopefully, any blockiness is bearable.
2946023
Awesomeness! XD
Yes. Love it all.
So much enjoyment has been made in this chapter as usual. Only one question, dear Sonic fan , whom is this "Comet Tail"?
2948584
And this is why this ship is going down the freakin drain (THANKS MEGAN)
Anyway...
Here he is...
2949072
So he is an OC or an canon charcater?
2949463
*Sigh*
Cannon
2947614
2948584
He's a background character from the show who the fans dubbed 'Comet Tail'. He's not very well known, but those who do know him tend to ship him with Twilight...like me.
2949608
Makes sense. Anyway keep it up! And for a talentless pony, you sure do have alot of good stories.
2951597
Thanks. I just named myself that because I have no self-esteem.
Well that was short, but good,
2955570
"short"
You'll find that such a term seems to be a theme going on with my stories.
I'mCalledTalentlessForAReasonICan'tLengthenStuffToSaveMyLifeORZ
I'll laugh my but off when he realize what it is.
She's probably going to come to the conclusion that she's allergic to him.
2968490
Sweet Celestia man! Spoilers!
NowIShouldProbablyComeUpWithSomethingElseKJFJSANFJA
(Okay, not really. XD That won't be her reasoning.)
you would think spike Knows what is wrong with her the way he follows rarity around. Then again maybe he does and he just hasn't said anything yet.
Twilight is really bad at understanding love.
2969856
He's just kind of unaware that he himself does it. He likes Rarity, sure, but his brain turns to such mush whenever he sees her that he probably doesn't even know when he does it.
2979379
That our Twilight, not that crappy EQG
2979780 I see your not a fan of the FlashLight ship.
2979780
2979780
Whoa whoa! Be careful with your words StarBot!
(not defending Equestria Girls or FlashLight here (even though I like the movie and FlashLight, being an avid shipper and supporting MANY couples), just trying to prevent an argument. I know how sensitive some people can be against words like this and am trying to defend StarBot.)
2979830
I'm ok with Flashlight
(not really)But how Twilight was out of charter when she started to fell in "love"
*sigh*
But you did it so munch right
2979868
Aw, thank you!
And I hope you didn't feel like I was yelling at you or anything. I just didn't want anyone attacking you with 'FLASHLIGHT IZ BESTEST SHIP. HOUW DAHR U ENSALT ET' or something.
2979881
That almost every FlashLight shipper in a nutshell, that why I hate that ship so munch
Thank you, you are very nice
2979917
Oh? I'm a partial FlashLight shipper (just because I'm an avid shipper, like I said, and I think that their colors blend well together), and I'm not like that.
And awww. Thanks again!
2979926
What's a avoid shipper?
2979931
Avid shipper is a term I use to descibe someone who's very keen on shipping.
It basically mean that I'm very attracted to the idea of shipping and tend to ship characters together a lot, particularly if they have good chemistry or just look adorable together. I don't rub my ships in people's faces or anything though.
2979942
Reminds me of Thundershy,
2979954
Thundershy? Thundershy...
Oh! You mean Thunderlane and Fluttershy?
Ehhhh, not my cup of tea personally. I'm not a huge fan of Thunderlane.
2979958>>2979958
I know that i just made a connection to avid shipping
2980024
Ahhh, I see.
Good example.
2980031
Funny thing, I do ship it, and few do
Anyway, nice chapter
I read the first two chapters, and I'm starting to like it.
I love how you write it narratively from the first chapter; it show an understanding point about Twilight who chose to stay in Ponyville for a reason.
This story deserves a bit more attention and I really hope it will, because of this shipping pair.
I always support the CometTwi ship and I wish it will be popular. :)
Take care, TalentlessPony. ;)
EDIT: Oh, and I like how you write down Twi and Comet's personality really well, too!
2980942
Ohhh, thank you so muuuuch!
I love getting comments like that!
2980955
You're welcome!
One thing, where did you get that cover art from the description box? Did you made it? If so; it looks really, really good! :D
2981004
I did make it; the background at least.
I snagged a Twilight and Comet Tail vector, then pushed them into place and just set the background behind them.
Well, I'm not really one for blatant shipping tales... but this caught my interest. Looking good so far.
A few remarks, though:
If you don't know what I'm talking about... google "pomf".
> as she peaked through her telescope
I think you mean "peeked". Peaking is what mountain tops do.
> not angry...just irritated.
To prevent the "angry...just" from being seen as one word (and, notably, not splitting at the end of a line when it should), you should always add a space behind an ellipsis.
> She watched as he magically fumbled about with said-blanket
The hyphen in "said blanket" is not needed.
> Her wings pomfed out slightly in ecstasy
I'd strongly advise against using such memes in fan fiction. Especially ones that originate in a manga comic about underage not-very-consensual sex
> "Why, yes. Yes it is." he said, though rather softly.
Should be "Yes [they are]". She said "They're a little off-center", and that's plural.
> "No no. It's perfectly alright Princess."
Separate addressing terms with commas. The reason being this. In other words, comma before "Princess".
"She felt a little sore, but also strangely relaxed"
Oh-kaaaaaay. Where exactly do you feel sore, Twi?
Some more remarks. It's a free service
> Alright then tough guy.
Same remark as before. "tough guy" is an addressing term here, so, separate that from the rest of the sentence with a comma.
> Let's head back home." she told him
Odd quirk of the English language: apparently, when a quote ends on a period, and the quote is used in a "s/he said" construction, that period has to be changed to a comma. Yeah. I know it's weird, but, that's how it is
(the theory behind it is that the quoted part and the "she said"-style expression behind it are technically one sentence together, and because of that it can't contain a period in the middle. Quotes ending on exclamation or question marks are exempt from this, rule, though, since they add extra meaning to the end punctuation)
There's probably a load of these, so yeah, not going to go over them all. Your choice whether you wanna go through them all to fix 'em, of course. All I can do is offer some friendly advice
> This...isn't mine.
Same remarks as before; comma behind ellipsis. Obviously though, this rule doesn't apply to starting ellipses like in "...who's that stallion over there?". But beside that, there are a few more of 'em.
> She remembered starting to jott down
"jot down". Only one 't' at the end.
2989780
OH SWEET CELESTIA.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY HORRID WRITING...EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY DO.
...
...
In all seriousness, thanks for the comment. Though I proofread my chapters before posting, there's always errors that slip through the gaps.
And no. I actually didn't know what pomf implied. I took it as a verb+sound effect kinda thing.
(Curses! My innocence betrays me once again!)
I've seen it in some comics being used when a pegasus is surprised or blushing, but I didn't know it meant anything like....that.
Some errors however are actually intentional. With the no comma before Princess, the no space before the ellipsis, etc.
I know this'll sound completely dumb, but I write dialouge like I talk.
What I meant by that is that, I'm not gonna put a comma somewhere if I don't think there should be a pause between a word and a name.
And I always think it looks really weird to put a space after an ellipsis. I really really don't know why I think that, but it's always been something that I absolutely cannot bring myself to do.
I know it's dumb; I know it's stupid. I'm just really weird and that's how I write.
My username is TheTalentlessPony for a reason; because I have no writing talent. I like to write, but I will fully admit that I am not good at obeying all the rules of writing.
Sorry.
2989826
She's been sleeping on the ground, so...everywhere?
Ack, didn't catch that jott one. Fixed.
The rest are just more examples of my talentless writing. Hopefully one day I can overcome my weird obsession for all this 'no space here, no comma here' nonsense, but for now, I really really don't feel the need to change it.
It irks me that other people are bothered by it, but I still have a hard time doing anything because that's unfortunately how I write. Free-hand. I just jot down a whole chapter all in one go; and my mind just instantly gravitates to my way of writing. If it didn't...yeah. We wouldn't have this problem.
It's like a habit you just can't shake.
"Knotted-up stomach...cheeks feeling hot...legs going weak-"
I laughed out loud at that. Typicaly Twilight, looking up the symptoms of falling in love in a medical book.
I hope the book just plain tells her what it is
BY-SYMPTOMS LIST OF MEDICAL AFFLICTIONS:
...
Symptoms: Knotted up stomach, weak legs, hot cheeks, sudden speech impediments, notably flaring up in the presence of a specific other pony.
Affliction: Stomach Butterflies. Dangerous affliction that may lead to sudden loss of rational thought around said pony. In cases where the other pony seems affected too, extra care is required, since without the right attention, it could lead to large amounts of drama, pregnancy, marriage, and either 'Happily Ever After' or 'Life Ruined Forever'.
Some more remarks! Mostly just the same ones, though.
> Even I forget things Spike.
Again, addressing term. Comma before "Spike".
> T-there goes those symptoms again...
Should be "there [go] those symptoms", since, plural.
> "Twilight please." she reminded him.
Comma after "Twilight". Note that this is NOT an addressing term (she's saying her own name), but things like "please", "of course", "however" etc added onto the beginning or ending of a sentence should also always be separated with a comma.
Also, as noted before, this should end on a comma instead of a period, because it's a "s/he said" type construction.
2989983
Awww, you forgot the 'Forever Alone' ending.
Ahhh, yay, more spelling errors to fix. *adjusts according*
And the 'Twilight please' was legitimately my fault, so *fixes that too*
Wooah. She went there, and still doesn't realize what it is? My goodness. Her fricking sister-in-law is the Princess of Love
(I could make these same editing remarks here again, but.. well, they're all just the same, so if you just keep in mind the stuff I already wrote on the previous chapters, you just need to apply the same rules here. Especially the "addressing term" and "s/he said" ones)
2979931
http://www.google.com/search?q=define:avid
avid = eager, enthusiastic
2990063
She probably just thought something like 'oh, her magic makes ponies closer' or something like that. XD She was pleased with understanding that much.
"It can't be calculated. It isn't science."
Technically incorrect. It's biology. Pheromones and all that
"...All of her time...?"
Oh, you bastard. Don't you dare make this little dragon try to break them up!
Just a few tiny remarks:
> "Please do not say that I have spell it out for you darling!"
> "...You...you're serious, aren't you deary?"
"darling"/"deary" are addressing terms. Separate with comma.
> Carosel Boutique
Should be "Carousel Boutique"
2990095
> Carosel Boutique
Should be "Carousel Boutique"
SPELL-CHECKER, Y U LIE TO ME!?
2989865
Actually, they are, quite specifically, not examples of talentless writing.
Allow me to explains: After reading through everything, practically the only 'problems' I saw were the fact you didn't apply rules you were apparently not aware of. Actual typos were rare to nonexistent.
Those rules I summed up? They're things I mostly only learned myself after starting to write here on this site. You have talent, but you should never be afraid of training yourself and learning new things, and applying them too, since they will improve the final quality of your already-excellent writing.
We are not perfect, and that's okay since we can improve. The only thing that really matters is making the stories perfect
2990133
Oh no, I mean the fact that I am completely aware of things like commas with names and stuff. It's just that I -don't- do it for some reason. It's like my style of writing to not do so.
Also, I'm self-conscious as all heck. For that reason, my username is TheTalentlessPony.
2989835
All right. Time to drag in the heavy artillery, then.
The fact you need the commas on addressing terms is to avoid misinterpretation. As the image already showed, if you clicked that link.
images.signals.com/graphics/products/regular/HN3281.jpg
To make this perfectly clear, compare these two sentences:
"I kill, my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
"I kill my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
The first is the soldier saying, to his queen, that he kills. The second is the soldier saying he kills his queen. Quite a difference that little comma can make, no? So please, please pay attention to that. If only to avoid accidental regicide