Season 2 - Episode 2: The Good, The Bad, And The Stupid
HARPFLANK AND SWEETS: SEASON 2
by Arcainum
Opening Titles
The justice has been doubled! Though the world has been saved from Nightmare Moon, Metropony remains under threat. With the Empire gone, a new wave of super-criminals has emerged to fill the vacuum of power! How will the bastion of Harmony fare in an increasingly Chaotic world?! New friends, new enemies, and new adventures await those stalwart heroes named...
HARPFLANK AND SWEETS: SEASON 2, EPISODE 2 - THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE STUPID
Scene 1
Scootaloo tapped her hoof impatiently, each impact kicking up a flurry of autumn leaves from the foot of the tall tree that served as the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ meeting place.
“What’s taking her so long? We were supposed to start crusading almost an hour ago!”
Sweetie Belle shrugged, and stopped humming the tune she had been working on in her head.
“Maybe she’s still working. My sister made me help her out today; she’s really busy.”
Scootaloo rolled her eyes.
“Your sister’s always busy.”
“Hey, what does that mean?”
“Just that she should learn to plan her time better. Like certain other ponies I could name.”
“Don’t you talk about my sister like tha-”
The potential argument was deflated by a strongly-accented voice calling loudly across the beautiful scenery of Fluttershy Gardens and causing several relaxing ponies to turn in surprise.
“Ah’m here, girls! Sorry Ah took so long!”
Apple Bloom galloped into the shade of the tree, breathing heavily. She greeted her friends in between gasps.
“Sis had... big shipment... Had to get it all done before she’d... let me go...”
Scootaloo grinned and slapped her on the back, almost toppling the tired filly.
“No problem, AB! You’re here now, right?”
Sweetie Belle, after shooting Scootaloo a slightly dirty look for her sudden change of heart, coughed importantly and made her usual announcement.
“Okay, girls! Today marks Cutie Mark Crusader Meeting Number... something, and today is the day we get our cutie marks!”
The three simultaneously threw a hoof in the air and gave a cheerful “Yaaay!” Sweetie Belle turned to Apple Bloom.
“If you would do the honours?”
“Don’t mind if Ah do!”
Glancing about them to make sure nopony was watching, Apple Bloom reached into an inconspicuous hole in the side of the tree. There was a clunk and a chunk of trunk slid noiselessly to the side to reveal a gleaming metal cylinder hidden within the hollow tree. The three fillies scrambled in and Apple Bloom pressed a button on the wall. The partition slid back into place and returned the tree to its natural-looking state.
With a jolt, the elevator zoomed downwards, moving so fast they were very briefly lifted from their hooves. A catchy and tinny tune began to play through the speakers installed above them, but within moments the elevator had reached its destination.
The door opened and the Crusaders entered The Clubhouse. Scootaloo gave a low whistle.
“Wow, Apple Bloom, you really, uh... upgraded this place.”
Apple Bloom blushed and traced a circle on the metal floor with her hoof bashfully.
“Aww, it weren’t nothin’.”
Sweetie Belle smiled widely.
“It’s great! You even put up all our old stuff!”
The brightly-lit room they had entered was enormous, and perhaps the most adorable secret lair ever constructed. Though metal plating formed the curved walls, the cold grey surface was barely visible beneath the layers of colourful drawings, diagrams, and cards that the Crusaders had created during their time together. Blueprints drawn in crayon hung alongside photos of their families and giant paper hearts covered in gems. Bubbling vats of volatile chemicals stood next to shelves of textbooks, and the floor was scattered with both half-built weaponry and toys of all kinds. The same tune that had played in the elevator provided a pleasant soundtrack to the mess.
Apple Bloom trotted briskly past her friends to hide her embarrassment, hopping over abandoned projects as she went.
“A-Anyway, Ah think Ah know what we’re gonna do today.”
Her giggling friends followed her to a large metal slab, above which hung a fearsome looking apparatus, all injectors, blades and probes. Hopping into the adjustable chairs around it, the three pulled the levers on their seats until they could actually see what lay on the table. Apple Bloom swept her hoof through the air dramatically.
“Take a looky at this!”
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle took in the limp grey form on the slab. There was an awkward pause. Sweetie Belle coughed politely.
“I, uh, really like her... mane?”
Scootaloo prodded it, disappointed.
“It’s just a doll. A pretty crummy one, too.”
Apple Bloom huffed and retorted.
“Ain’t just a doll! Ah been modifyin’ it!”
Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow, skeptical as to the doll’s efficacy for cutie mark acquisition.
“So... what does it do?”
Apple Bloom drew herself up, placing her hooves on her sides proudly.
“Ah’ll show you what it does!”
She leapt from her chair and skipped excitedly to a nearby lever. She grabbed two pairs of tinted goggles that lay discarded amongst the debris and tossed them to her friends, who slipped them on with a hint of trepidation. Scootaloo muttered under her breath.
“This better be good.”
Apple Bloom wrapped both forelegs around the large lever and pulled with all her might. The hanging machine began to whir, spindly limbs twitching. A bright green light began to shine from the liquid inside its many needles, and as one they plunged down and impaled the lumpen puppet, making Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo recoil in surprise. They soon leaned forward eagerly, however, as the liquid drained into the doll and the needles retracted. To their amazement, it began to twitch, sparks of magic flickering across it as it convulsed before their eyes. Apple Bloom looked on nervously.
After a few moments, the light faded and the doll ceased its movement. The Crusaders leaned even closer.
Suddenly, the doll sat up, button eyes peering about the room. The two fillies at the table exclaimed in surprise.
“Oh, wow! That’s awesome!”
“Is it alive?!”
Apple Bloom grinned proudly.
“Eeyup! Mah sister got hold o’ some Chemical X for me and Ah been doin’ some experiments. Lil’ Miss Smarty Pants here is mah first creation!”
The little grey doll held up her arms and, to the further amazement of Scootaloo and Sweetie Bell, spoke in a squeaky, yet surprisingly deep, voice.
“Smarty Pants can have hugs?”
Sweetie Belle’s face lit up like a fireworks display and she let out an “Eeek!” of delight, gathering the doll up into a tight embrace.
“It’s so cute!”
Scootaloo stuck out her tongue in disgust.
“Bleh, seriously?”
She turned to Apple Bloom, who had returned to the slab looking mildly smug.
“So, what’s the plan?”
Apple Bloom blinked.
“Uh... what?”
Scootaloo facehoofed in frustration.
“Ugh. How is this doll-”
The toy interrupted her, voice unaffected by Sweetie Belle’s squeezing.
“Smarty Pants’ name not ‘doll.’ Smarty Pants’ name Smarty Pants.”
Sweetie Belle giggled, and Scootaloo glared at her before continuing.
“How is Smarty Pants going to help us get our cutie marks?”
Apple Bloom fidgeted guiltily.
“Ah... didn’t really get that far. Uh... Ah guess bringin’ her to life was pretty impressive! Ah got anythin’ yet?”
She turned in circles on the spot, craning her neck to check her flank for her Adorable Abominations Against Nature cutie mark. Scootaloo gave her a blank look. Then she threw up her hooves.
“Great, so we got a talking doll that likes hugs.”
Smarty Pants spoke again, this time with an odd edge to her voice.
“Smarty Pants’ name not ‘doll!’ Smarty Pants’ name Smarty Pants!”
Sweetie Belle gave her a stern look.
“Hey, Smarty Pants, don’t be rude. You are a doll, after all. It’s just like us calling each other ponies!”
The doll pushed her forelegs aside, leaping from her body to the table and pointing at her accusingly.
“Smarty Pants already say! Smarty Pants not doll! Smarty Pants Smarty Pants!”
Scootaloo looked down at her with disdain.
“Geez, calm down.”
The doll was hopping in anger now, and faint twinkles of magic were popping in the air around her.
“You say sorry! Call Smarty Pants Smarty Pants!”
Sweetie Belle held out her hooves placatingly.
“Come on Scootaloo, just apologise.”
Apple Bloom was watching Smarty Pants uncertainly.
“Uh, girls? Ah think she’s gettin’ bigger.”
Scootaloo sniffed.
“Even if she does gets bigger, she’ll still be just a doll.”
The little grey pony was definitely growing. Her top half bulged much larger than her legs, all her weight on her forehooves. Sweetie Belle began to back away slightly.
“Um, Smarty Pants, you’re getting a little scary.”
The doll stood up, beating her chest with her forehooves.
“Smarty Pants not scary! Smarty Pants SMARTY PANTS!”
By now, the magic was crackling around her and she had grown to match the Crusaders in size. They backed away, except Scootaloo, who still had her head turned away to accentuate her dismissal of the doll.
“I’m sorry, Apple Bloom, but I guess this one’s a bust. A doll that gets so worked up over a name isn’t going to help u-”
She was interrupted by a swipe from Smarty Pants slamming into her side, throwing her across the room. She cried out in pain and leapt to her hooves, pawing the ground in anger.
“Hey! What’s the big idea?!”
Smarty Pants, who was by now the size of a full-grown pony, roared.
“You mean to Smarty Pants! Smarty Pants hate mean!”
She hopped from the slab and placed her forehooves at its foot. She heaved, and the heavy block of metal was lifted into the air before the eyes of the terrified Crusaders. Apple Bloom took a tentative step towards her, voice soothing.
“Hey there, Smarty Pants, you don’t have to do that, now. You just be a good lil’ doll, and-”
Sweetie Belle tried to interrupt her.
“Don’t call her a do-!”
But she was too late. The monster that was Smarty Pants, two ponies high now and with a voice like an avalanche, let out another bellow.
“SMARTY PANTS NOT DOLL! SMARTY PANTS SMARTY PANTS!”
With an almighty crash, she hurled the metal slab across the Clubhouse, demolishing the elevator door. Before the Crusaders could react, she had bounded across the room, shaking the ground with her every step, and clambered out of sight up the elevator shaft.
There was a brief silence, broken only by the rumbles of Smarty Pants’ distant ascent and the screams of ponies in the park above. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both fixed their gazes on Apple Bloom. She took in the destruction and gave a small, awkward cough.
“Ah, uh... Ah may have put in a little too much Chemical X.”
Scene 2
Commander Derpy Hooves’ door hissed open and Lyra and Bon-Bon strolled in. Their superior was hunched over her desk, sighing in dismay at the layers of paperwork that assaulted her daily. The pen in her mouth that should be signing releases and memos had become nothing more than a stress toy, bobbing up and down as she chewed it.
Bon-Bon cleared her throat politely and Derpy jumped, dropping the pen and hurriedly wiping at the blue stain that had seeped into her lips. Lyra chuckled at the Commander’s lack of decorum, relishing every chance she had to bring Derpy down to her own unprofessional level. Glaring at her, Derpy saluted them primly. As usual, Bon-Bon returned it smartly while Lyra waved her hoof vaguely upwards.
With the formality over with, Derpy slumped back to her desk again. Since their adventure on the moon the relationship between the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony had become a lot more relaxed, their shared experiences and magical connection forging a bond beyond ranks and protocol. Derpy Hooves was no longer just their commander, she was their friend and more. She moaned pitifully.
“Uuuugh. When did things get so complicated?”
The two heroes settled into their usual chairs and Bon-Bon leaned forward questioningly.
“What’s the situation, Commander?”
Derpy pulled herself up and rubbed her eyes. She then waved a hoof at the piles of paper scattered about her office, which seemed taller and more menacing than usual.
“Going public is the worst thing that ever happened to this organisation. When everypony thought you two were free agents, we could just square any damage with the government under the table. They made sure everyone was compensated, we threw money at the rebuild to speed it along, and everypony was happy!”
Even Lyra felt a pang of sympathy at the exhaustion evident in the beleaguered pegasus’ face. The past few weeks had been hard for everypony in M.A.R.E.
Through some miracle of deception the organisation as a whole had been able to remain secret during its battles with the Luna Empire, the seemingly unlimited funds at Derpy’s disposal and the backing of Celestia’s government keeping the populace at large under the impression that Harpflank and Sweets were nothing more than a pair of bizarrely well-equipped superheroes.
There had been neighsayers of course, those who had decried them as destructive vigilantes, but public opinion was firmly on their side. Trixie’s Lunatrons had been so powerful, so ridiculously advanced, anypony could see that if it weren’t for Harpflank and Sweets the city would have been Luna’s years ago.
But Nightmare Moon’s assault on Celestia Tower had necessitated both full mobilisation of M.A.R.E’s armed division and the deployment of Tavinger Z, their specialised anti-Lunatron super robot. And, with nothing more than a series of cataclysmic explosions and the violent annihilation of a robot army, the secret was out.
Suddenly the word on everypony’s lips was ‘accountability’. The fact that large-scale destruction had been casually authorised by a clandestine government-sanctioned organisation had caused something of a uproar. Opinion polls had placed public feeling towards the newly-revealed M.A.R.E. firmly in the middle ground, gratitude for their services to the city balanced by the, as one tactful journalist had put it, “somewhat lax attitude towards property damage” the group had displayed.
And so it had begun. New rules, new procedures, new problems. In the space of a single battle, Derpy’s responsibilities had grown exponentially, with public relations, retraining, and the creation of a full backlog of M.A.R.E’s activities being added to the already considerable duties of running a combined private army/research and development lab/space program. The ponies under her command had fared no better. Every member below a certain rank had been made to reveal their identity, causing many trouble in their lives at home as betrayed friends and family turned their backs. ExTech was, to Vinyl Scratch and Octavia’s consternation, operating under far stricter safety guidelines and had taken a few hard knocks to the budget. Even Nurse Redheart was feeling the strain as her infirmary’s bleeding-edge technology came under the scrutiny of the greater medical community.
Lyra and Bon-Bon had so far escaped relatively unscathed, having had only to give a few press conferences as Harpflank and Sweets as to the nature of M.A.R.E. and their reasons for secrecy. Despite their being the public face of Equestria’s best-kept secret for years, they were far too popular to take much of a beating from the whole fiasco. So they had just kept on living their lives, staying prepared for whatever may come and supporting the rest of M.A.R.E. as best they could.
The look on Derpy’s face made it all too clear that this was about to change. She sighed and rummaged through the papers in front of her, finally pulling a thick binder from the rustling mountains. She slid it across her desk towards them.
“Just the first page.”
Lyra flipped the binder open and skimmed the text. Her eyes widened.
“What?”
Bon-Bon craned her neck to see, and after a few moments let out a similar exclamation. The paper was emblazoned with the insignia of both M.A.R.E. and the Metropony Police Department. An impressive title/subtitle combo took up most of the page, reading,
OPERATION: DOUBLE JUSTICE
Being a collaboration between the Metropony Police Department and M.A.R.E, with the ultimate goal of the effective merging of both organisations.
Bon-Bon shook her head in disbelief.
“A merger? But that’s insane. It’ll never work. We operate on entirely different levels. How did this even begin to get past the Princesses?”
Derpy pulled the binder back to her side of the desk, slamming it closed and shoving it back under the piles of forms as if hoping to forget about it. She spoke firmly before Bon-Bon or the still-sputtering Lyra could say any more.
“Actually, the merger is a big nothing. That’s just something I let them think they’re getting to cut us some slack. It’ll never happen. I just wanted to make sure you knew how seriously the government is taking this whole thing. The collaboration, however...”
Lyra stopped her mumbling and gave Derpy a suspicious look.
“Wait. What are you making us do?”
Derpy gave her a pained smile.
“I’m sorry, girls, but you’re getting a new team member.”
Bon-Bon’s eyebrow raised.
“A new... How is that even going to work? We have superpowers. The only ponies who can keep up with us are you and the other Bearers.”
Derpy gave a small chuckle.
“Yes, I brought that up at the meeting. Your MPD liaison will be acting in more of an advisory capacity. She’ll follow you around, keep an eye on you and make sure you’re conforming to all these new rules. The MPD teaches us some restraint and M.A.R.E. gets to show the MPD we’re not the crazies everypony thinks we are. That’s the idea, anyway. So, you’re to report to the Police Commissioner ASAP. It shouldn’t be too bad. She’s an old friend.”
Bon-Bon reluctantly nodded, seeing the wisdom behind the decision. If the proposal had gone through in the first place, it had the Princesses’ seal of approval, no doubt with a sly wink from Celestia. Luna had insisted on maintaining contact with the Bearers, and Her letters painted a very different picture of the Sun Princess than anypony had suspected. Still, if it was good enough for them, it was good enough for Bon-Bon.
Lyra, meanwhile, was sitting in her customary position in her chair, forelegs folded sullenly.
“I still don’t like it.”
Derpy sighed again, saluting and picking up her pen while motioning them to leave, voice muffled as she clenched her arch-nemesis in her teeth.
“Unforfunately, you fon’t haf foo.”
Scene 3
“So. Harpflank and Sweets. We meet at last.”
The Metropony Police Commissioner, Carrot Top, eyed them across her immaculate desk. Her office was the polar opposite of Derpy’s. Polished wooden surfaces sharply contrasted the grey metal of M.A.R.E. HQ, and the room was scrupulously ordered. Tall filing cabinets creaked under the weight of the papers within, the floor was clear and dustless, and even the glass on the diplomas hanging on the walls gleamed.
Lyra and Bon-Bon sat in plush chairs before her desk awkwardly. Bon-Bon’s expression was carefully neutral, while Lyra’s was almost outright hostile. Their brief journey through the MPD HQ to Carrot Top’s office had been accompanied by whispers and pointing hooves, many officers making their distrust of the heroes clear, though several had given small cheers before being hushed by their colleagues. More than once Bon-Bon had had to place a restraining hoof on Lyra’s shoulder as her partner glared at the staring ponies, chiding her quietly for reinforcing their beliefs.
“They think we’re dangerous. Let’s not prove them right.”
But here they were, face to face with Metropony’s official head of law enforcement. The yellow earth pony continued to appraise them, her gaze peeking out from her voluminous orange mane and seeming to pierce their very souls. Both Lyra and Bon-Bon felt guilt rising in them, Carrot Top’s eyes seemingly able to drag everything from minor childhood indiscretions to city-wide calamities into the light with nothing but a look.
Then, to their great surprise, she smiled warmly.
“Truly, it’s an honour.”
Lyra’s scowl collapsed, replaced by abject confusion. Carrot Top continued, chuckling at Lyra’s reaction.
“I’m sorry, were you expecting a gruff, cigar-smoking stallion to chew you out and threaten to kick you out of the city? No, I’m not that stupid. I understand that everything you’ve done, you’ve done for this city and the ponies that live in it, and I respect you for that. Omelettes and eggs, and all that.”
Lyra, still wary, replied cautiously.
“Uh... thanks?”
The Commissioner’s expression hardened slightly, but remained friendly.
“However, that doesn’t mean I don’t think you need reining in. You haven’t been breaking eggs, you’ve been breaking buildings.”
She held up a hoof as Bon-Bon moved to speak.
“I understand that you were battling the Empire, and that it was way over our heads. But anypony who claims to defend this city has a duty to its citizens, a duty which, in my opinion, M.A.R.E. has not fulfilled.”
She steepled her hooves and leaned forward, punctuating her next words.
“Me, you, M.A.R.E, the MPD, we all fight for the same reason, so the public can go about their lives as normal. And, forgive me for saying, but hundred-metre-tall robots having a wrestling match in Celestia Plaza tends to disrupt the flow.”
Bon-Bon and Lyra were silent, the Commissioner’s words cutting deeper than they’d ever thought they could. Her expression lightened once more, and she leaned back in her chair.
“Now, the MPD just isn’t equipped to deal with the kind of threats M.A.R.E. deals with, and, though I would never say this within earshot of any of my officers, we need an organisation on the edge of the law like yours. But all the crazy needs to stop. And that’s what this whole thing is all about.”
She waited for the two heroes to digest what she had said, then, moved to return to her work.
“Now go do whatever it is you do. Copper will meet you outside.”
Lyra, having stood to leave with Bon-Bon, halted.
“Copper?”
Carrot Top looked up from her computer, giving Lyra an “Isn’t it obvious?” look.
“Your new partner.”
Scene 4
Stepping out from the imposing MPD HQ, Lyra and Bon-Bon considered their meeting.
“That feels like it went better than expected.”
Lyra nodded at Bon-Bon’s assertion.
“Yeah. I thought we were going to get totally busted, but she seemed pretty cool about the whole thing. Hey, where do you think she knows the Commander from?”
Before Bon-Bon could reply, an eager voice directly behind them made them jump.
“Harpflank? Sweets?”
Turning, the heroes were greeted by the sight of a young mare. Her coat was a rich reddish-orange that matched the gleaming MPD badge pinned to her pristine uniform. Similarly, the light verdigris of her ponytailed mane matched her cutie mark, a pair of scales, perfectly. She gave them a textbook M.A.R.E. salute which Lyra and Bon-Bon returned without thinking.
“Oh, I’m so glad I got it right! I was reading up on your procedures and I figured I could get off to a good start if I greeted you M.A.R.E-style.”
The mare suddenly gasped.
“Oh! I’m Copper. Named for my colour, not for my job, har har. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that one. I’m your new partner!”
She smiled widely, as if they were already the best of friends. Lyra raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.
“So you’re the one who’s supposed to keep us ‘under control’? You seem a little... enthusiastic for that.”
Copper shook her head vigorously.
“Oh, don’t worry! I fully intend to do my job. I’m to keep a careful log of your activities and, should a situation arise, advise you on what the MPD considers the best way to proceed in order to stay within the bounds of Metropony law and minimise damage to the surrounding area.”
As she spoke, her voice took on a hint of a sing-song quality, as if she had practiced these words many times. Her expression, however, made it clear how seriously she took her orders.
Bon-Bon proffered a hoof, and Copper gladly shook it.
“Nice to meet you, Copper. I look forward to working with you.”
“Makes one of us, I gue-Ow.”
Lyra’s muttering was interrupted, as usual, by a kick from Bon-Bon that seemed automatic. Copper giggled. The little policemare seemed at odds with herself, her warm personality battling with her dedication to her job. Her ponytail, for example, Bon-Bon knew was against regulations, but was also well-kept and tucked neatly into her uniform. Her actions were professional but breathtakingly energetic. It would be interesting to see how this partnership played out.
At that moment, a familiar sound chirped insistently from Bon-Bon’s bag. Lyra stopped nursing her leg immediately and turned to face the communicator as Bon-Bon pulled it free. Copper just watched, obviously having been briefed on their communications methods earlier. The beeping stopped and Derpy’s voice replaced it.
“Lyra, Bon-Bon, do you read?”
Bon-Bon facehoofed. The day that Derpy didn’t give away classified information like their names without a thought was the day that Bon-Bon would consider the city saved for good.
“Yes, Commander, and so does our new partner.”
Copper piped up brightly, waving at the communicator.
“Hello!”
There was a brief moment of silence.
“Yes, well. She’s, uh, cleared for that information anyway.”
Bon-Bon could have sworn she heard Derpy mutter “She is now, anyway...” but let it slip for expediency’s sake.
“What’s up, Commander?”
Derpy cleared her throat and her authoritative tone returned.
“Just checking in. How did you find Carrot Top?”
Bon-Bon frowned as Lyra made blah-blah-blah faces.
“She seemed... supportive, Commander. I see what you meant when you said this might not be a bad thing.”
Derpy sighed with relief.
“I was hoping you’d say that. I can never work out what that mare is thinking. Ever since the old days in... Hold on, I’m getting something from Vinyl.”
As Derpy went silent, Bon-Bon explained Vinyl’s position in ExTech to Copper, who absorbed the information eagerly while Lyra rolled her eyes. The communicator buzzed again and Derpy’s voice returned, this time with urgency.
“Looks like you three will be working together sooner than we thought. We’ve got a disturbance downtown, and it’s big. The MPD should be picking it up too.”
Sure enough, there was a noticeable bustle around them. Sirens wailed and ponies barked orders as the well-oiled machine that was the Metropony Police Department swung into action.
“Sending you coordinates now. Eyewitness reports seem to indicate some kind of monster. Good luck.”
Lyra grinned at Copper.
“See you there, partner.”
With that, she galloped away at top speed, leaving Bon-Bon to stamp her foot in frustration at her friend’s childishness. Copper looked torn between disapproval at Lyra’s actions and panic at the sudden situation.
“She just ran off! How are we supposed to coordinate if-”
Bon-Bon interrupted her kindly but bluntly.
“Sorry, but there’s no time for this. Hold on tight.”
Before Copper could react, Bon-Bon had effortlessly slipped underneath her and lifted her into the air. With a blur and a swiftly disappearing shriek of surprise, they were gone.
Scene 5
“SMARTY PANTS SMASH!”
The flying sofa missed Scootaloo by a hair’s breadth, crashing through the display of fine quills that she had been using as cover. She yelped and instinctively fired another shot at the raging Smarty Pants, who roared in anger as the bolt of plasma impacted with a burst of blue flame to little or no effect. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were still picking themselves up from the wide divan they had landed on after being thrown across the showroom by Smarty Pants’ last ferocious attack.
The third floor of The Davenporium, Purveyor of Quills And Sofas For The Discerning Pony, was a wreck. Hundreds of fine three-piece suites lay in smoking ruin, covered in the limp remains of the best quills bits could buy. The store had long since been cleared of ponies, customers fleeing in terror at the sight of fillies in armour attacking a roaring golem three ponies high. Scootaloo called to her friends, who were now moving apart to flank the raging doll, who continued to attack her surroundings at random.
“This is getting seriously out of control, guys!”
At first, recapturing the escaped doll had seemed like a small task. Halfway through her ascent through The Clubhouse’s elevator shaft, Smarty Pants had smashed through the escape hatch built into its wall and lumbered into Metropony’s extensive and maze-like sewer system. Tracking her had been nothing more than a matter of the Crusaders donning their armour and following her unique magical signature.
Unfortunately, when they had caught her, things got tricky. Their weapons had proved largely ineffective, something in whatever process Apple Bloom had used to bring her to life providing her with impossible resilience. Their efforts had only served to enrage Smarty Pants further, the doll growing larger with every failed assault, until she had taken a mighty leap and burst from the ground into the basement of The Davenporium. A single further leap had taken her from the basement to the third floor, leaving the Crusaders no choice but to follow in an effort to subdue her. And here they were, failing to do precisely that.
Sweetie Belle rolled to the side as Smarty Pants tossed another sofa, stumbling as she came to her hooves. Her armour’s jetpack had been knocked out of commission by a quill that had somehow contrived in the heat of battle to be flung by an explosion into exactly the right chink in the powered suit. She called back past the roaring Smarty Pants.
“Oh, really?! I hadn’t noticed!”
Before they could start to bicker, Apple Bloom, firing a shot into Smarty Pants’ back to distract her, flew out of cover and interrupted them.
“Don’t worry, girls, Ah got a plan!”
She flicked a switch on her suit and a compartment opened near her flank, dispensing a flashing blue sphere. She wound her hoof back as if ready to toss a ball.
“Take cover!”
Apple Bloom let the sphere fly. The Crusaders leapt behind what cover remained in the ruined store. Smarty Pants turned as the beeping orb soared towards her. The fabric around her button eyes tightened as she frowned. Then the bomb hit her just below the right shoulder and she was engulfed in flame. The Crusaders whooped and hoofbumped as Smarty Pants fell to the floor, writhing as she tried to beat out the flames.
Their victory was short-lived, however. The same magic that crackled about her when she grew began to sparkle in the air around Smarty Pants and the flames vanished, seemingly absorbed by the golem as she picked herself up. Sweetie Belle stood from her cover and threw her hooves in the air in frustration.
“Oh, come on!”
Scootaloo yanked her back behind the heavy sales counter they were hiding behind as another sofa careened across the room towards them. The Crusaders gathered into a huddle. Apple Bloom opened the discussion worriedly.
“Ah don’t think we can handle this one, girls! That bomb was the biggest boom Ah got on me!”
“Well, have you got any more?”
Apple Bloom nodded slowly.
“Well, uh, Ah got more, but Ah ain’t sure that would be such a good idea.”
“Why not?!”
“Mah suit’s sayin’ the dispenser ain’t up to snuff. If Ah pop another one, the whole batch’ll come flyin’, and that could blow us all sky high!”
Scootaloo groaned.
“Well, we gotta do something, or-”
Their ill-advised discussion was interrupted by Smarty Pants leaping onto the counter above them with a thud, causing them to recoil with a scream.
“SMARTY PANTS SMASH MEANIES!”
The golem raised her enormous forehooves above her head and the Crusaders froze, too caught in the fear of the moment to react. Smarty Pants’ hooves descended.
A green blur appeared from nowhere and slammed into Smarty Pants’ ragged cheek. In the tiny moment before she was sent tumbling across the room, smashing through furniture and displays with every bounce of her heavy body, the Crusaders saw Lyra’s flying kick hit Smarty Pants’ face so hard that her face tore, one button eye coming loose as the animated stitches faltered under the terrific pressure.
Then motion returned and Lyra twisted in midair to land on the counter where the doll had so recently threatened them. She grinned smugly at the Crusaders.
“Don’t worry, fillies! Your friendly neighbourhood Harpflank is here to-heynowwaitasecond.”
Her eyes narrowed as she inspected their armour, then widened in surprise. She pointed a hoof at them accusingly.
“You! You’re the Cutie Mark Whatevers! The ones that gatecrashed my funeral!”
There was a moment of silence. It slowly filtered into the Crusaders’ minds who had rescued them. Lyra seemed to realise what she had just said and she became a picture of indignation.
“You gatecrashed my funeral!”
Scootaloo shouted back.
“That’s funny, you look pretty alive to me!”
Lyra thrust her face close to the armour’s visor, matching Scootaloo’s volume with gusto.
“It’s a long story! That’s still no excuse! You gatecrashed my funeral!”
Sweetie Belle, who had peered over the counter to assess the damage to Smarty Pants, jumped in between them.
“I really don’t think this is the time!”
Smarty Pants was bounding towards them, rage and magic feeding her growth. Her hunched back scraped the ceiling, knocking chunks of plaster free. Tutting, Lyra jumped from the counter. The Crusaders jetted clear of their hiding place, carrying Sweetie Belle between them. Smarty Pants’ charge carried her through the counter, demolishing it, and into the wall. A great plume of dust obscured her as she crashed into the concrete.
Lyra and the Crusaders warily moved towards the cloud, eyeing both it and each other. Before the dust could clear, a voice called from the showroom’s entrance.
“Lyra! Is everything okay?!”
Lyra whirled around to see her partner, quaking Copper draped across her back, leaping into the room.
“No problem, BB. How’s the newbie?”
Copper immediately snapped back to her senses, jumping to the ground and taking in the situation. She responded to Lyra with a slight sniff.
“I’m fine, thank you, Harpflank. I just didn’t expect your powers to be so... You two run fast. Like, really fast.”
There was a low rumble from where Smarty Pants had impacted with the wall, and everypony readied themselves. Copper pulled a pistol from its holster with practiced skill while the Crusaders dropped to the floor and backed away from the dissipating cloud of dust, warming up their weapons. Lyra and Bon-Bon crouched, ready to leap into close combat. The world held its breath.
The dust cleared.
There was nothing there. Just a hole in the wall that reached from floor to ceiling, leading into the administration section of the building. Of Smarty Pants, there was no sign.
Copper quietly addressed Lyra and Bon-Bon while the Crusaders’ attention was distracted by the sight beyond the destroyed wall.
“We need to call for specialists and try to contain the monster.”
Lyra hissed back, incredulous.
“Contain? You didn’t see that thing, it could barely fit in here!”
The policemare glared at Lyra, the hero’s behaviour towards her finally beginning to chip at her sunny disposition.
“No, I didn’t see it! Because you ran ahead without intel, leaving myself, your partner and our backup behind! And now there’s a creature we don’t even know the nature of somewhere in this building completely unchecked!”
Apple Bloom burst into the discussion, jetting up to Copper and Lyra angrily.
“Smarty Pants ain’t no creature! She’s mah creation!”
Lyra looked up at the hovering filly in amazement.
“You made that thing?! Why?!”
The other Crusaders bounded into the rapidly heating argument, Sweetie Belle’s cracking voice cutting in.
“Because she can, duh! How else are we going to find out our cutie marks than by doing stuff?”
Lyra stared at her.
“Your cutie... what is with you fillies?!”
Copper interjected, trying to instil some order into the chaotic situation.
“Look, that’s not important right now! What’s important is that we arrest these three and call in a team to help deal with that monster!”
Scootaloo scoffed.
“Oh, because your team will have better gear than us, right? Your police issue stuff sucks.”
Everypony began to talk at once, Copper’s increasingly desperate insistence on calling for backup coming up against Lyra’s calls to action and the Crusaders’ apparent disregard for authority. Their voices raised, the argument became an incoherent mess of shouting.
“Everypony shut up!”
In the sudden silence, they all turned to face Bon-Bon, who was looking up at the ceiling with a cautious eye. Very slowly, and very quietly, she spoke.
“I think... it’s upstairs.”
They listened, straining their ears for the slightest sound.
There. A faint creak, somewhere above them. They all exchanged glances, the heroes’ eyes meeting the tinted visors of the Crusaders and saying everything that needed to be said. Carefully, they began to spread out, anypony with a weapon aiming it at the creak that, now that they were listening, they could hear moving across the floor above. Lyra took a deep breath.
“No-”
Before she could give the signal, there was a tremendous crash and the ceiling above Sweetie Belle smashed apart, the massive bulk of Smarty Pants falling like a boulder through the rubble to crush the shrieking filly beneath her weight. The floor beneath them gave way and they tumbled out of sight, a succession of further crashes echoing through the building as Sweetie Belle and Smarty Pants fell all the way to the basement.
The other Crusaders cried out in fear and concern, firing their jetpacks and flying after their friend without a moment’s hesitation. Lyra, Bon-Bon and Copper ran to the edge of the enormous hole in the floor and peered down.
Smarty Pants was roaring, raising her oversized forehooves over Sweetie Belle, who was cowering in pain and fear below her. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom swooped down and grabbed Sweetie between them before she could land the final blow, rocketing back up even as Smarty Pants swiped at them and began to climb the floors now separating them.
As the Crusaders drew level with Lyra, Bon-Bon, and Copper, Scootaloo coughed and spoke grudgingly.
“Look, we... we’re really sorry. This kinda got a little crazy.”
Lyra blinked.
“You think?!”
Scootaloo bristled, but regained control.
“As I was saying, we’re really sorry. Give ‘em the bombs, AB.”
Apple Bloom nodded and activated her plasma bomb dispenser with her free forehoof. To the heroes’ surprise, a cache of explosives significantly larger than the filly herself cascaded into the hole, the mass of bombs throwing Smarty Pants back into the basement.
“That should do for Smarty Pants, y’all. The detonators ain’t workin’ so you’ll have to shoot ‘em yourself. And, uh... yeah, we’re really sorry!”
And with that, they flew up to the next floor and out of sight, the dangling Sweetie Belle waving blearily at the heroes.
Lyra span to face Copper, grabbing for her gun.
“What are you doing?!”
Lyra looked at her with an “are you kidding” look.
“Are you kidding?! We need to blow up that thing!”
Copper wrestled the gun away from her.
“Look at those bombs! It would vaporise the whole building!”
“Exactly!”
Copper looked shocked, unable to believe Lyra’s cavalier attitude.
“How can you say that?! We have a duty to prote-”
Lyra interrupted, making another grab for the gun.
“We have a duty to protect the citizens, and if we have to blow up a building or two to do that, then that’s what we have to do!”
Bon-bon tried to separate them, all too aware of the roars of Smarty Pants below.
“Lyra! Copper! There’s no time for this! That thing is getting back up! And it’s bringing the bombs with it!”
The two struggling ponies stopped and slowly turned to look down the hole.
Smarty Pants was pulling herself up, regaining her balance with ungainly steps as she struggled to stand on her tiny hindlegs. She started up at them, covered in adhesive plasma grenades. One had, by chance, stuck in the space left by her missing eye. She visibly tensed, the stitches that held her together stretching as the arcane and scientific forces that gave her life built within her. The three heroes began to back away.
Then, she leapt.
“Run!”
Bon-Bon’s cry was barely audible over the boom as the force of Smarty Pants’ take-off left a small crater in the basement floor. The three ponies galloped for the nearest window with all their might.
For Copper, time seemed to slow. She saw Lyra and Bon-Bon running beside her, wordlessly hindering their own escape by limiting their super-powered pace to match hers. She heard the crash as Smarty Pants sailed out of the hole and landed on the floor they occupied. She felt the cold metal of the gun in her mouth.
The floor rumbled beneath Smarty Pants’ pounding hooves. In slow-motion, Bon-Bon leapt through the window, suspended in a shower of razor shards as she cleared the way for their escape. Lyra, in one movement, jinked sideways and knocked Copper onto her back, and leapt into the air after Bon-Bon. As she sailed through the air impossibly slowly, Copper saw the monster behind them, lumbering towards the hole in the glass they had just made and bellowing in rage and aggression. She looked down, and saw the crowd of ponies outside the police cordon that had formed a safe distance from the building. She looked across the city, and saw the homes of millions of ponies who believed without question that they would be kept safe by the MPD, M.A.R.E, and Harpflank and Sweets.
And then she pointed her gun at Smarty Pants and pulled the trigger.
Scene 6
The Davenporium exploded.
It happened in stages. At first, a disc of blue flame burst across the third floor, sweeping through the building like a great circular saw. The ring subsided and the top half of the building began to fall, the missing third floor leaving nothing to hold it up.
Just as the mass of concrete was about to collide with its lower brother, the second explosion hit, this time bursting upwards. A great pillar of fire erupted from the roof of the gutted store, sending rubble miles into the sky.
Then, at last, the final explosion ballooned outwards, tearing the remaining shell of the building to shreds. Chunks of concrete, scraps of sofa and singed feathers rained within the gaping crater that was all that remained of The Davenporium, Purveyor of Quills And Sofas For The Discerning Pony.
Lyra and Bon-Bon landed neatly outside the blast zone, their mighty leaps carrying them out of range. Copper unsteadily extricated herself from Lyra’s back, while Lyra herself looked at her approvingly but confusedly.
“What happened to the rules?”
Copper brushed a smoking strand of mane from her eyes and looked at the crater she had just caused. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Finally, she said,
“We have a duty to protect the citizens, and if we have to blow up a building or two to do that, then that’s what we have to do.”
She turned back to face the two heroes, grinning wildly.
“Seriously though, that was insane. Is this what it’s like all the time?”
Lyra grinned and nodded.
“You should’ve been there when we went to the moon.”
“When you did what?”
Bon-Bon chuckled at the sight of Lyra bragging about their previous exploits and the, until recently, by-the-book Copper gasping in horror at every mention of unfathomable municipal damage.
The sound of sirens heralded the arrival of M.A.R.E. Clean-up crews, the MPD cordon efficiently flowing aside to let them through. The crowds clamoured to watch as the ponies went to work, sweeping the area for dangerous residues, ensuring the ruins were stable, and generally showing off for the public. Derpy and Carrot Top had obviously seen an opportunity for good publicity, as the two organisations brought all of their most impressive equipment to the fore and visibly cooperated in an effort to assess the damage and ensure the public’s safety in the aftermath of the explosion.
Maybe, just maybe, this would work out after all.
Scene 7
“… And so, in light of this report, I am afraid I must conclude, having been present at a Class 3 incident and had ample opportunity to observe even the smallest of dangers that Harpflank and Sweets must contend with, that any and all actions taken by the organisation M.A.R.E. were and are entirely justified. In fact, I am recommending the immediate cessation of any integration, as I believe our restraining influence would, however strange it may seem, be an active detriment to the city’s safety.
Your faithful officer,
Copper.”
Carrot Top laid the report on her desk and stood up, pacing to the large window that graced the wall of her office. Looking out to the street below, she watched the ponies of the city go about their business. Young couples giggling at each others’ jokes, suited business ponies rushing to their next meeting, fillies pulling at their parents’ tails to get their attention... All safe from danger and, apart from a small dip in quill and sofa shares, somehow entirely unaffected by the events of the previous day.
She sighed and walked back to her desk, flopping into her seat with uncharacteristic laxity. Something on her desk caught her eye and she picked it up. She gazed fondly on the old photo, a photo in which her and a grey, wall-eyed pegasus stood making funny faces at the camera in a large, well-tended carrot patch at the foot of a pleasant country cottage.
Putting the photo down, she glanced at Copper’s report one last time. She smiled and spoke aloud, almost to herself.
“Oh, all right. You win this time, Ditz.”
[ Credits roll. ]
Epilogue
The moon cast its cool light over the wreckage of The Davenporium. Even in the dead of night, Metropony heaved with activity, but the the crater was almost silent. The public had been banned from the area until it was deemed safe, and all that could be heard were the distant noises of parties, vehicles and ponies.
But then a new sound joined the faint hum of the city. A tiny scratching sound, like rough cloth rubbing together. A pebble near the centre of the explosion’s radius moved, ever so slightly. A piece of coloured thread wormed its way free of the tiny stone holding it in place and began to wriggle across the ground.
Before long, it had encountered a scrap of grey fabric, tattered and singed. It extended itself between the strip of cloth and another nearby, and brought them closer. Then, very slowly, it began to sew them together with itself.
Another pebble moved. And another.
And many, many more.
--------------------
Coming soon: Season 2, Episode 22 - Green Actually Kind Of Is Your Colour!
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*Insert movie man voice*In a world. Where ponies are superheros. Where ponies earn tattoos. Where puns about horses are acceptable.
Harpflank and Sweets, Season 2! *and movie man voice*
I WAS GOING TO GET SOME SLEEP! Really Arcainum?
Awesome action scene by the way.
Wait, wait, wait, what?
How did the CMCs get to the future? 
What's going on here, did I miss some sort of explanation? 
356142 THE MYSTERY DEEPENS
"She steepled her hooves and leaned forward, punctuating her next words."
Ponies can steeple their hooves?
Ah, bureaucracy. The one thing more evil than raging maniacs looking to take over the world. Oh, and Barney. Definitely Barney.
Nice introduction to the CMC! I can see they will be a fun addition to the cast.
Never thought Smarty Pants would be used as the monster of the week. Also, was it a he or she? You started calling it a he and then a she towards the end.
Saw several sentences that were missing words. When you go through this again for your Director's cut, might want to get it proof-read. Actually, I'm willing to do that if you're looking for some proof-readers. I'm decent with grammar (not so much the plot) so little things like that I can catch.
Otherwise, I had a lot of fun! Keep it up!
357136 I was torn between "hooves" and "forelegs". You realised what I meant though, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
I'm actually really proud of the CMC. I don't think there's anything about their part in that story that I didn't like, except maybe ONE of Scootaloo's lines. They are easily my new favourite thing to write.
As for all the editing jazz, yeah, I really dropped the ball on this one. I have an unfortunate tendency to do all my writing late at night, and if I end up on a roll it gets to the point where I'm finishing up at 6am. That's normally not a problem, but if I've been up all night the night before (which sometimes happens), I can get burned out and just not notice, leading to HORRIBLE MESSES like that chapter's editing =p I plan to fix it up tonight though.
Oh, and Smarty Pants was a she. I kept accidentally putting in "he"s because I just pretended she was The Hulk in my mind. Could've sworn I caught them all! Ah well, another thing to add to the list of derps to correct.
EDIT: Oh, and I think Smarty Pants is my weirdest villain idea. No, wait, there's one more that is... pretty crazy.
The rules. Just got screwed.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/324/f/9/derpy_with_sunglasses_by_over9000foottroll-d4gu1ic.png
Oh yeah.
*looked around for stories to read and find this then says*
WTF where the hell is episode 1?! I cannot read this OUT OF ORDERNESS!!!
*proceeds to read the comments and finds out why*
You sir are killing me inside. Though I understand from where you're getting from (the angle that is).
I will read this but if my head explodes please buy me back a new one
434983 If the non-linearity is confusing you now, wait until the latest episode.
435110 OH! QUICK-DRAW MCGRAW! I GET IT NOW!
435592 Fair does, I can understand how it's not everyone's cup of tea. If there's anything you can tell me about why you'd didn't like it, I'd love the feedback!
435110
Seriously, If El Kabong doesn't end up in this somewhere I don't know what I'll do. He's even a horse with a donkey sidekick gosh durn it! He fits!
EPIC VIOLIN ON BANJO BATTLE ROYALE!
435606 Nanotech suits to be like Crysis nanotech suits... is that too much?
439793 Ooh, nice catch on the "finger!" I totally missed that. But apologised is definitely spelled right. Unless you're saying it should be a z in which case I will be forced to sigh at you =p
And yay, someone who realised the CMC aren't actually evil! City Conquering is just that day's idea.
439935
sigh away then cause that was what i was gonna say
Btw you're not doing anything with Diamond and Tiara right? Maybe I should just name random ponies (that do and do not exist)
... nah, I can't think of any.
Also, how the buck did the CMC get all that swag?! They might as well... I dunno, challenge Trixie and Tavi to a massive arms race. Maybe even a new oneshot of where Tavi and Vinyl replace Lyra and BB for a day (cause of some undisclosed... problem)
443339 ...yeah you should definitely check out the next episode. One problem with choosing to emulate a format that was really predictable is that I'm really predictable.
The CMC got their swag by utilising the fundamental rule that Harpflank and Sweets is based upon: The "I Don't Know, But It's Pretty Awesome, RIght?" rule. Well, that's not strictly true. There is a reason, which may or may not end up being revealed, but my writing process is essentially
1. Think "CMC having an underground base called The Clubhouse would be pretty cool."
2. Give them an underground base called The Clubhouse.
3. Think "So, how do I justify this?" Can I think of an answer?
4. If yes, reveal answer at appropriate time.
5. If no, leave it in anyway.
Also I have something hopefully pretty sweet planned for Derpy's backstory, but that won't be for a while.
100 GET
Hey there. I just wanted to drop in and say that after loving the first episode back when I reviewed it on /fic/ and then getting too busy to do enough fanfic reading for months, I've spent a bit of time over the last week or two catching up.
I really enjoyed it. I mean, I thought that first episode was really clever and fun, but then you went above and beyond took this story in all kinds of crazy awesome directions after that. I love seeing meta things like "we fight Trixie every week" in stories. Really dug the movie, lolled at the seaponies and am loving Season 2 so far (an aside: I could use something like Smarty Pants to unleash on authors every time they call Twilight a lavender unicorn or Rainbow Dash a cyan pegasus (TWILIGHT SPARKLE TWILIGHT SPARKLE)).
Just one little thing (opinions of course; feel free to disregard them):
- I see a few too many uses of "began to verb" for my liking. It's a tautology that I rather dislike and does nasty little things to your flow. Please try to avoid saying "began to verb" when "verbed" would work better or just as well.
I see you've authorised guest episodes and one's out already (I should read that). I think that sounds really fun and would probably be interested in trying to do one in future, provided I can come up with an idea. I'll email/PM you with an outline if anything comes of that.
Oh, and something I was wondering about the other day: who watches the Harpflank and Sweets TV show? What's that universe like? Is it Equestria with television? Is it a future Earth where young boys and girls alike watch action-packed adventure shows with colourful female pony characters (possibly resulting from MLP evolving in a similar direction to Loony Toons and getting its own (good) Loonatics*)?
*I'm really sorry for comparing Harpflank and Sweets to Loonatics. I hope my actual meaning is clear.
Anyway, do keep writing these. I'm looking forward to the next episode!
443722 Gasp! Ezn! The perfect person for my 100th comment! Though I'm not sure it counts as a proper milstone because so many of them are me ¬_¬
I'm seriously glad you still like it. I know I've told you this before, but it's really thanks to you that I even bothered posting the thing in the first place. If it wasn't for your help and encouragement, I would've just called it a loss and moved on. But seeing H+S do moderately well for itself has given me enough of a boost to continue writing, pony or no. So, yknow... thanks.
Smarty Pants hate Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
I'll take that on board! As I've gone on, I've noticed quite a few flaws in my style that I hope I've been at least partly successful in correcting, so that's another for the list x)
Haha, "authorised" sounds so official. I kind of regret putting it the way I did at the end of The Movie, really. I just want to see what other people do with the universe, because I think it's really fun to write in. Although the idea of having the series actually complete, all by a variety of guest authors, is a super-cool one.
... Super-cool. But, yeah, I'd love to see what you come up with if you give it a shot. I'd love to see what anyone comes up with. Seeing Supersheep64 go at it really made my day, and I like having my day made xD Also, yes, you should read it. It's really good, and if his plan was anything to go by, it's only going to get better.
Who watches Harpflank and Sweets? Do you know, I'm honestly not sure. I think it's both for us and for ponies. In one world, it's "My Little Pony, X-Treme Edition," and in another it's a silly cartoon that colts watch. Rainbow Dash thinks it's awesome and used to drag Fluttershy into watching marathons of it when they were fillies, Twilight appreciates the animation and voice-acting but it's not really her bag, Rarity thinks TV is a bit common, Pinkie is too busy PARTYING, and Applejack can see why other ponies would like it but she's too down-to-earth to watch cartoons.
Thanks for commenting! It's great to hear from you again.
444815
I'd assume Twilight would be the kind of obsessive nerdette who goes on Internet and writes fifteen-page dissertations criticising the science, the logic of the story, the changes from last iteration of the show and oh, it's too short and too few episodes.
Shades of the ending to Iron Giant with Smarty there at the end, if that was intended I highly approve.
Something I just got around to asking: what does M.A.R.E. stand for (if anything)? I'm assuming M is for Metropony, bu beyond that I've got nothing.