• Published 6th Feb 2013
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I Destroyed a Universe - TheLastBrunnenG



TheLastBrunnenG`s miscellaneous works from Thirty Minute Pony Stories

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Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking

Atop the gleaming onyx Throne of the Moon, Princess Luna sat aloof, imperious, and regal. The few ponies awake for Night Court had long since had their petitions heard, leaving an only slightly more detestable duty to be completed. With a volume bordering on Royal Canterlot, Luna bellowed, “Bailiff, bring forth the prisoners due for sentencing!” A grey-armored stallion entered moments later leading three ponies bound in chains. “Criminals! The fair and impartial Equestrian Courts have adjudged thee guilty! By proclamation of Princess Celestia, thy sentences shall be determined by myself, Luna, Empress of the Moon and Stars, as the day courts find themselves sorely pressed for time and personnel. Bailiff, with what are these miscreants charged?”

Clearing his throat, the stallion glanced at a lengthy scroll and pointed a hoof toward the first of three bound and gagged ponies. “Prisoner Four Three Three, you have been found guilty of – “

“Bailiff,” Luna thundered, “thy words are harsh and unbefitting of an officer of the Court! Restate thy claims properly.”

Rubbing his helmeted temple with a tired hoof, the armored officer shook his head before continuing. “Prisoner Four Three Three, er, thou hast been foundest, um, guiltyeth of the chargeth of Arson in the burning of the - uh, of yon store known as ‘Flags ‘n’ More’.”

The indigo alicorn’s shouts echoed through the columned halls. “Foul malefactors! Setting alight the wares of a merchant employed in the arts of Royal Heraldry is a deed most reprehensible! By precedent set in the case of Grim Darkon in the Year of Our Ladies 331 BLE, thou art sentenced to be drawn and quartered by the four strongest of the elite Night Guard stallions. Thy quarters shall then be drawn and quartered by the four most able colts sired by those stallions upon the mares of the Royal Harem. The resulting quarters shall then be burned in the Courtyard for public spectacle, and thy ashes shall be fed to the Great Hydra of the Festering Swamp. So it is decreed, so shall it be!

A sudden silence overtook the Night Court, broken only by the unceremonious dropping of a half-dozen jaws. Her declaration having had the desired effect, Luna smiled with obvious satisfaction. “Bailiff, with what is the next offender charged?”

The wide-eyed bailiff shook his head and read meekly from his drooping scroll as he motioned to a second chained pony. “P… P… Prisoner Five Zero One has, ah, hast been found m… most guiltiest of the charge of murder, having admitted his guilt in killing a homeless street peddler.”

Luna put an armored hoof to her chin and narrowed her eyes. “If the peddler’s owner has not come forth to lodge a claim for destruction of his property or disruption of his mercantile business, then the peddler must have been a most poor example. Still, ‘tis a most reprobate offense. Wrongdoer, thou art sentenced to a fortnight’s service to the community, to be determined by the local shire-reeve. Thou art also commanded to repay the peddler’s owner the full value of a month’s begging wages. Bailiff, bring forth the final sinner.”

Trembling so violently that his whispers were barely audible over the clanking of his shaking armor plates, the Bailiff stuttered, “Prisoner One One Three Eight is the one who.. who crossed the path of thy Royal Carriage this evening, P… Princess. She admits to, uh, jaywalking.”

A blast of Royal Canterlot threw all ponies present back. “Repugnant outlaw! Thy perfidy knows no bounds! Wait here, unworthy scum! I shall consult my fair Sister for her Moon Banishment spell and return forthwith.”

Stepping down from her throne with nostrils flaring and hooves stomping mightily, Luna was met at the massive Court doors by the glowing alabaster figure of Celestia, Sun Princess and Diarch of Equestria.

“Tia! We thank thee for expanding our duties to include pronouncing sentence upon the worst of Equestria’s foes.” She aimed an accusing hoof at the quivering chained mare and roared, “Behold the worthless monstrosity present! Her crime is beyond all forgiveness, Tia. For her punishment I require the most dreadful of - ”

Celestia’s singsong voice maintained a melodious tone which contrasted eerily with the visible twitch in her eye. “Yes, little sister, I heard, as did everypony from here to Trottingham. Forgive me, Luna, I believe I may have been a wee bit hasty in assigning you this duty. Laws have changed a smidgen in the thousand years of your exile.”

“We no longer draw and quarter ponies for destruction of Royal Heraldry?”

“I’m afraid not, Lu.”

“Are peddlers no longer relegated to the Untouchable Caste? And does murder of one now merit the same standards of punishment as that of other ponies?”

“Correct and correct again, little sister. You learn quickly! I believe we’ll have to find you a tutor, somepony well versed in recent Equestrian history who would be happy to fill you in. I know just such a mare, a librarian in little Ponyville, in fact.”

“As you wish, Tia. So do we now pardon jaywalkers as well?

“Jaywalking? No, they go straight to the Moon. Come with me, I’ll teach you the spell.”

Author's Note:

TMP Prompt # 179. The Prompt: Back to school. Special Rule: Twilight is not going to magic kindergarten.

Title, of course, is straight out of TVTropes, as are the three crimes listed.

Punishment for the pony who burned the flag store is a reference to an ancient Saturday Night Live skit:
Anne Boleyn: What if I were to agree to the divorce, but invoke the blessing of the pope?
Norfolk: In that case, you shall be drawn and quartered by four strong horses. Then their quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four frogs. Then the quartering would stop, and the mincing would begin.

Prisoner One One Three Eight refers to this movie, and to the cell block mentioned in this movie too.

Untouchable Caste is a callout to India's caste system, though I hope Luna was just being overdramatic.