• Member Since 28th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Yesterday

shira


T
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An earth pony from the classical era once described life as a series of unexpected surprises. For some that’s more true than others. Luminescence knows this all too well. Falling in love with someone outside her species was never part of the plan. But love didn’t much care for her plans.

Likewise Hiro Blueforest only expected to do his graduate studies at the Lunar Institute for Advanced Thaumaturgical Studies. Maybe research for a year or two and then return back to his people’s lands. Now his plans have been derailed and he finds himself stuck in between two cultures and pulled both ways by politics.

It’s not going to be easy for either of them, but the more difficult the problem, the greater the reward!

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 92 )

First LOLOLOLOL

Just messin' with ya.

Best of luck with the story Shira, hope you get the attention you deserve.

1937781

Awww you're such a sweetie :heart:. Thanks for looking it over when it was still in the draft phase.

Also when's my next chapter of Canvas huh!? :rainbowdetermined2:

1937817

I have to get going on the next chapter of Befriend first.

Wait, I now have permission to criticise and pick apart your work publicly? :rainbowderp:

Sweet. :ajsmug:

1937821

:raritydespair:

1937825

:rainbowderp:...CRAP, I did not foresee this outcome.

Definitely an interesting setup. It caught my attention, and the humor was well placed and used well. Characters are interesting so far, along with the entire oremise.

In other words, I like where this is going.

1938240

Thanks for the comment. I will try to not let you down! :rainbowdetermined2:

Taking this from one-shot to series is taking a lot of planning and work but I'm going to give it my best not to turn this into a train wreck.

This sucks. Worst thing I ever read.

Until next update then.

1938919

Thank you so much for the vote of confidence XD.

This... is brilliant. You have all my everything, good friend.

1938987

I'm going to be my own critic right now and say, we're still a few steps away from 'brilliant' XD. I've got the first chapter and am working on more, but this doesn't do a ton to set the scene and only barely introduces both protagonists and a small segment of the supporting cast. After I get another couple/few chapters out then I'd love to hear if you could still call it brilliant...or a train wreck :rainbowlaugh:.

Thank you very much for the comment though. I need as much feedback as possible to try and improve.

1938923

Confidence? I just want how far before you fall flat on your face!

BTW, I added your story to the groups I joined. Should give it a wider audience.

1939050

Oh god more people are going to see this, I'm not sure my body is ready for that :raritywink:

Oh wow, so this is in the future with descendants of, so far as I can tell: Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Twilight?
Will we see a grown up Spike?
This started off really well & I'll be watching for more.

1939056

.... yeah, I think its ready. You trained long and hard for this. Time to test your mettle. :rainbowderp:

1939071

It hasn't been made explicit yet but it takes roughly 100 years after the series. Dew Drop, while borrowing a little of Pinkie's silly side is not a direct descendent. Lumi is a direct one of Twilight and Curiosity is a direct descendent of Rarity.

Spike WILL play a role later. Because Spike is all sorts of awesome.

I hope I can live up to your expectations. And if not, please let me know about it, even if you need to do it with a shovel :pinkiehappy:

yess this is briliant

1939130

Glad you're liking it so far. I'll try to keep up the quality. Feel free to comment as you see fit, especially if the quality starts dropping, just give me hell about it.

1939105
Huzzah! I love Spike if he was real, I'd want to be best buds.
I'm sure it'll be great, you've got DEL helping you, and you seem like a good author in your own right.

Savage your work? Like a dozen rabid flesh-eating weasels? Well, I'd not go that far... but I found a double quote.

““So, Lumi, why did you wait so long to tell us about this?

“”You two...are, ugh!”

Huzzah! The typos have been doubled!

I like it. I'm doing something really similar... sort of... and I'm very interested to see where you go with your story. Yours is more 'cute' though.

I find it funny that your story is taking the exact opposite character viewpoint from mine.

Well this story certainly started out well. Call me interested. If I had to nitpick, it just seems like right now you have 3 of the main 6 in a different "suit" so to speak. I am assuming that it kind of what you are going for, as it is suggested that they are of the main 6's family line; as of now I would like to see a bit more difference in character when comparing dew, lumi and curi' to their ancestors. I however believe that they will be fleshed out in later chapters, so as I said, just a small tiny nitpick.

Good job though, keep up the good writing :eeyup: .

1939241

Thank you for that correction! It got past me :twilightsmile:. I'll always take help!

1939246

Well so far it's only from Lumi's perspective but that comes down to the fact that it originally was going to be a one-shot. So the next chapter will include the human, Hiro. I'm making things a bit more cute because a real look at a relationship can be stressful and depressing at times and I don't want to have too depressing a feel to the story.

1939480

This is actually one of the things that has come up. Given that I only have slightly more than 3k words I haven't been able to show a significant difference between them and the original just because there's only one chapter so far. Lumi is bookish and a nervous wreck like Twilight but there's a lot of other things about her that I do have planned out that separate her from Twilight. Curi is a bit closer but I'm not sure how much I will deviate overall. Though being a noble does change a person.

I actually don't intend Dew Drop to be too much like Pinkie at all. I'm aiming for silly rather than 31 flavors of crazy. Honestly Dew takes a lot from a person I knew years ago and silly moments aside I just don't see myself wanted to use Pinkie's 'schtick' for Dew. All in all, I just need more time to develop them. Honestly I'm most worried about Hiro but I think I've got a pretty solid non-cliched base.

Also please do nitpick, you will get me to think of things and hopefully make the story better.

1939605

Well okidoke, will do! I am certainly looking forward to what comes up next, so you have the hook to the story done quite nicely. As said before though, you just need more time to develop your characters, which is why I called mine a nit pick for the moment. If it continued for quite a long time without differentiating the main 6 from them however...it would become a problem. I am sure from your comment though that it will not happen. Anyways, thanks for the nice reply, and I hope to read more of the story soon! :twilightsheepish:

1939241 I hate it when I miss something during the editing process. :facehoof:

1939480 To quote myself when I read his little note explaining who was based on who: "No shit."

But this will be resolved with later chapters, at the moment it's just too short to let their differences show. There are considerable differences between the originals and the characters in this story. It's just that because of the length of the chapter a lot of the displayed behavior/mannerisms come from the "family quirks" they have. It just wasn't doable to really show their differences without a very big information dump (which would have killed the flow of the story).

Some hints at differences were even removed after feedback from me as they raised so many questions it would derail anyone reading it. So.. uh.. heh.. :twilightsheepish:

1940468

I'll certainly give it my best! Feel free to point out if you think I'm not doing a good enough job at it!

1940922

We'll get a bit more into it in Chapter 2, though that'll be our time to get Hiro's character well defined. It's probably from that point on when it'll become really clear at least that's how I'm more or less expecting it to happen. I'll still squeeze out some little bits here and there but there's a lot of generalities that make them seem similar, like everyone's expecting Dew Drop to be like Pinkie despite the fact that I never really envisioned her that way. Make sure to keep me on task with that, don't want to screw it up.

1940922

Indeed, I already talked with Shira about it mmhm. I realize it takes more than just one chapter to flesh out characters and whatnot, so it was just something I figured I would mention is all. Great job with the editing by the way. I did not notice too many errors. So far the story is good, but now the waiting game begins.... :unsuresweetie:

1940973

God you have no clue how long it took me to go through the revisions. This is my first piece of written fiction in....almost a decade now. So saying, "I'm rusty," is just a biiiiiiiit of an understatement.:rainbowlaugh:

I'm going to put a little bit more into the grand outline and then I'll get started on the next chapter. I have a pretty good picture of where the story is going and the document on the world/outline/etc is well in excess of 10k words at this point. So it's just a matter of sitting down and cranking out the scenes and dialogue and then having my editors look over it and scream, "No it's wrong...it's ALL WRONG! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" :rainbowlaugh:

If there's some form of consolation I can say for you it is that this pleases me. So get on with it already!

1941020

Hahahahah! I love it. Ok I'm going to work on the outline more tonight but I promise I'll throw up a skeleton framework by Saturday and then have my editors savage me over a day or two. Sometime next week? Baring any of the million things that can go wrong in life at least.

1941028 I can live with that. I should be writing... :twilightoops:
:trixieshiftleft:
:trixieshiftright:
I was never here :twilightblush:

1940995

Lol:rainbowlaugh:. Well don't work yourself too hard with it. Take your time to make sure things are exactly how you want it, . I am sure things will go well for you in the long run. Don't worry about making us wait too much, while timeliness is nice, just make sure it does not effect your ability to write mmmmhm. Once again, great start, and great attitude for criticism as well (even though there really isn't much to criticize :ajsmug:).

1941044

Right. I guess I just didn't expect even as much response as I got here so it's kind of energized me. I was hoping for about a 10 upvotes, 1 downvote and a handful of comments. 30 upvotes is way more than I expected and I've gotten honest, good criticisms...it just makes me want to sing write!

Don't worry about rushing it. Between Laharl, the_panic and BrilliantPoint I imagine they will beat me with cricket bats until I am broken and bleeding if I let the quality drop.

I'll give you a :moustache:, waitining for more to come.

1941076
Damn right I will. Except not with a cricket bat because I don't have one of those. Instead, I've got my fraternity paddle as well as my "little brother's" paddle.

Luckily for you I'm too broke to afford travel to wherever you are, so you're safe.

For now.

But seriously, I'll do my best to help you out when I can, like you did for me.

1941044

Heh, this dude is a glutton for giving and receiving criticism. When he went over my first write-up, he actually wrote more words in critique/commentary than were in the actual write-up lol; that abundance of advice is why my last story turned out as well as it did.

1940945 I've got a brand new whip that will help me keep you on track. :twilightsmile:

1940973 For you the waiting game begins. I have to go through notes that are 10k+ long and the next chapter. What have I gotten myself into. :twilightoops:

1941044 1941076 Well you saw the amount of text and notes that were produced for chapter one. You know I've got the habit of asking questions which cause changes in your story. :rainbowwild:

1941508 He has already said "getting a taste of my own medicine" when I left a few comments. :twilightsheepish:

1941508

I'm never going to live that down am I? :twilightblush:

Huh... Character names might as well be Twilight #2, Rarity #2, and so forth, but it's been less than four thousand words, so I guess I'll be hawking the next few chapters.

1943705

Well if you're only complaining about character names then I did something right. For Curiosity that's kind of the point. She's a high noble, descended from a very famous public figure. If I hadn't named her similar to Rarity I believe it would have been much less believeable. Noble Europe's naming schemes tend to reuse names over and over, generation after generation. That one is well justified I believe.

Luminescence is also descended from a famous public figure. While her family doesn't have a noble title like Curiosity's given that we have the Apple's family, I see plenty of justification for naming trends within a family.

1943777

The point on the tack was that the characters don't seem to differ at all from their ancestors, talking of it through the naming scheme was only a sarcastic afterthought. Overall, it made me wonder why it was necessary to move the scheme 'X' hundred years forward since there doesn't seem to be any immediate reason, plot or otherwise, to justify it and all the new characters also seem to be just about identical prima facie...

Still, it was just a minor quibble, and I'll still be waiting on future installments.

Not a bad start. I had a feeling we had a bit of a time skip with the fairly obvious hints that Curi was Rarity's great-granddaughter. Can't wait to see Spike.

1943826

Because I don't want to work with the mane 6 in this setting? Also look further up the thread in my discussion with Broderick about a similar issue. Going to need more than 3k words to show the differences.

However do keep up the criticism as the story unfolds. It often helps me focus on issues before they become problems and does shore up both the story and my own ability as a writer.

...i know i will regret this sooner or later... even now i can't keep track of all the Writers i already following... but...

*Fave+Follow+Thump Up* i would LOVE to read more in the near future ^^

its always lovely to hear about a non-main-6 nor support Character but about this one... well i did never heard of it and in my opinion this is great !!!
This is 'Setting expansion' in its process!

good work ^^

1948104

I have no clue why but when I woke up and saw "Leux is watching you" I read it as "Lexus" :rainbowlaugh:

Probably more setting alternation than expansion. In this story humans are just as much part of the world of Equestria as griffons are but I do want to do a lot of world building. Still planning everything out though so we'll see! If you see anything you think I'm doing wrong though let me know!

1948344 and now it starts to be odd... behind my Nick Leux is the Story, that i was ... well now 7 Years ago on a LAN-Party... yeah... back then in the old days they where quite popular :derpytongue2:... and a Orga(one of the guys with have organized it) had called me Leux, instead of my until then normal Nick Lexus... so... *cough*strange*cough*

but yeah ^^ i will try at least ^^ to help where i can :pinkiehappy:

P.S. on this side... there are many... strange coincidences ... this as an example is one of them... ^^

1948509

Hahah was that is an odd one. What are the odds? I still blame it on late night drinking.

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