Pestilence
Joined 9th Jan, 2013 ·
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- swampdawg · 3.9k words · 206 views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Love it so far ... its a bit of self insertion but its getting good.
Keep it up you have my attention
Thank you, you have no idea how much it means for somebody to like something you made.
The next two chapters will be up tonight around 1 to 3ish so be excited.
I'm so sorry I didn't notice one of the chapters was unpublished! It was the prologue. So now it makes a whole lot more sense!
Can't wait for the next chapter
Chapters need to be longer but other then that no complaints cant wait for next chapter
i could surprisingly fap to this
That awkward moment when your name is in a clopfic.
1946970 Ha im sorry that must be really wierd...
Well sir so far I like what iv read :)
Im really liking the story u did a good job on it can't wait to keep reading :)
dude this story is awesome!! can't wait for u to put up the next part :)
Dude you have to make the chapters longer no efence
very interesting
(Joke) Alt. Title: Give Me Reincarnation Or Give Me Death!: Life And Humance
wright more pleaz
sexy...hopefully cloppy too :D
I'm liking the conflict in this, how even though he gets transported to Equestria and morphed to a pony, the wounds from the accident reappear/ resurface. The reaction of "I don't wanna die" when faced with the very real possibility of death.
A thing to consider is changing viewpoints and where things the protagonist loses consciousness, to have Twilight's perspective on the unfolding events, her emotions, what she's thinking, or if not that, what she's saying.
One thing, She (Twilight) is accompanied by a companion. Does the companion go to fetch the other five element bearers? It's a little detail, but impacts how the story may flow from thence, so bringing in more however briefly, might help flesh the story out. Because, otherwise it's Twilight and her companion, and then it's suddenly the other five rushing towards her. Does she use a magical telepathy to get in contact with them, if she didn't send her companion to round up the five? It's something to consider doing, should you chose to edit and republish this.
The last part doesn't work with the story, IMHO. I mean, the dude's been on the precipice of death, and back. What could he possibly do? Crack bad jokes and terrible puns? His body's in no condition for activity. So while having one of the six stay, especially Twilight, having the other five stay in a room of a recently critical conditioned pony, that ends up sleeping? Yeah, it just doesn't work with the story for me, makes Twilight out of character at that point, for me.
Okay. First, Nurses don't just flip patients over like that. That gets you fired fast. I'm not a nurse, but I know that much.
Next, The princesses come off as out of character. They know about humans and the human world, fine, but how does the mysterious as of yet undescribed cutie mark tell them he's a human?
They also don't ask the nurse, if he's in any condition to be moved. The nurse doesn't protest, even though her medical expertise and authority should override that of even the princesses. Then, they're too relaxed to catch him when he falls, and possibly cause further damage to his body. Then they want to take him on a long journey to Canterlot, when he just came out of a critical condition. Also, Luna's speech sounds unnatural; Bullshit, Hun, Seriously? Then there's not only they want to take him to Canterlot Castle knowing he's a human in pony form, with the mentality of an alien, but they don't explain why they want him to accompany them, and whereby neglect to reassure an alien pony that just recently experienced a critical condition situation.
To everyone who has been waiting for almost a year for some more I will hopefully come back to this. And yes, I lost my footing with where I was going with this story, sorry. But I will make it tie all back up together and hopefully fix any discrepancies that people want. Thanks!