Wishing she rather be in a prison of stone herself, Celestia grieves hourly about how her life as gone amiss. One Luna that casually pranks her is enough as is, but triple the matter and you have a bride for any Draconequus. Dealing with both the silliness of Luna's youth and present, the Goddess is distracted to Nightmare's plot to overthrow her. As fast as her faithful student can work, Twilight Sparkle is in search for a way to reverse the spell, the only question is: can Celestia hold out long enough?
A/N: In all fairness, I had this thing sitting in my box for a while now. Any criticism? I need work on sentence structure and flow, if you don't mind pointing it out. The emotions and characters would be nice as well!
Image belongs to 90Sigma on dA.
- Member Since 3rd Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 5th, 2017
DerpyMuffins15
I love Luna stories, but not ones that are too sad to read.
DerpyMuffins15
Joined 3rd Aug, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- DerpyMuffins15 · 58k words · 218 31 · 6.2k views
- Darkentrophy · 1.8k words · 200 16 · 7.7k views
- Mrchibivampire · 30k words · 57 12 · 4.4k views
- Spot Light · 5.9k words · 34 6 · 2k views
- DegeTheMighty · 1.1k words · 14 0 · 357 views
- The Brony in Denial · 7.9k words · 28 1 · 1.2k views
- Sparknanator · 19k words · 123 46 · 6.4k views
- Juu50x · 45k words · 67 4 · 3.4k views
Featured In10
- Celestia & Luna4,435 stories ·2,702 members
The Writers' Group56,384 stories ·9,291 members
Looking for Editors3,384 stories ·5,415 members
Followers of Discord 2,748 stories ·3,185 members
Luna Is The Best Pony4,627 stories ·7,263 members
Writers and Reviewers Institute for Technical Excellence302 stories ·46 members
- Letters To Ponyville12 stories ·4 members
- Vallett's Private Library2,806 stories ·61 members
Chapters (3)
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.158 seconds
Total duration
798 users online
1,173,611 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
The premise of the story sounds interresting, though I would suggest that you mention how three Lunas appeared a bit quicker.
1986134 Good point... Let's just say Discord thought that three heads were better than one. That's all I can say without spoiling much else.
Hum... I'm intrigued.
Color me interested.
The premise is a bit confusing, but not too bad. Mostly it's just wondering why there are three Lunas, but that's something that can be done in-story. Considering how you wrote this, I'm not worried about it not coming up.
The one thing that really bugged me was that you seem to be trying to go overly-flowery with your words, and the story ends up stumbling when you reach too far. I can tell what you're trying to say, but it can really clash with what you actually say.
I think you mean "dismissed the weak attempts." Deterred means she was actively preventing something from interacting, often with the implication of stepping between someone else and the undesired thing. In this case she seems to be ignoring, not actively interfering.
"Hastening." She did not physically attach anything to anything else in the scene.
There are plenty more like this. There are spelling errors as well.
I suggest another couple of passes through. Reading my own writing aloud helps immesurably in finding things that contain mistakes or just don't sound right.
Oh, and Celestia seems to be a complete pansy. Don't like that one bit.
1986421 Believe me, I'm already looking for one right now. Don't suppose you got any suggestions?
how many luna `s are there my count was 4 can you please give them all different names becauseit was real hard to fallow scenes where luna, luna and luna are talking to nightmaremoon
Discord needs a god sized coffee to get through the morning these days
By god my dream has come true three Luna if I'm asleep don't bother waking me up
Also I don't understand the first part is she in the future or past
1987657 It's 3 Lunas in the present.
Ohhhh still three Luna's is awsome
It's LUS: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, not LMS. I think, at least. And you haven't entirely shed its influence: the third paragraph in particular suffers from being right on the borderline. Your use of kennings is related enough to the sentence in question to be almost acceptable, but it still has that little moment of "just who are you talking 'bout here?" In comparison, the one in this section -- "She watched with delicate attention as her younger sister" -- blends perfectly into the structure. Full marks there.
Moving away from that, there's touches of sentences not flowing properly into one another. The first three, for example, are basically isolated; there's no cross over between them, no building upon what a previous sentence has already established. Take a good look at them and ask yourself if the paragraph'd still make sense if you swapped the order round. I'd recommend changing or modifying the last sentence of that trio so that Luna's tears falling follows on directly from the already mentioned "watering gems for eyes". In other words, link these sentences together.
There's also annoying instances of "Show and then tell it anyway" that could get cut out. Here's one example: "She once again flared her jet black wings, showcasing her dominance in the matter."
In this, you show NM displaying her dominance through action and then go on to tell us what this action means. Have a bit more faith in your audience; we can pick up on stuff like that and figure it out.
There's also a selection of errors that really need threshing out. I'm talking 'bout sentences like this:
Where writhe --> writhed and "frivolously" is probs a spelling error of "Feverishly". Combine that with comma splices:
Hyphens where you want dashes to indicate interruption:
And some broken verbs & nouns:
(gentles --> gentleness & lessening --> lessen) -- and yeah. I'd deeply recommend getting a proofreader to scour through this.
Alternatively, submit this for review at either /fic/ or WRITE, and they should see you right.
And as a final thing, I couldn't spot much of what I'd call mechanical writing -- you might have been called out on mechanical errors, which are just errors that occur too often to be simply typos. You do stray into the purple/florid prose divide often, though, and I'd really try and fix the tense in this. It... wanders.
1986434
Woona, Luna, and Nightmare Moon
1987741 Yea, I have no idea where to get an editor. My usual one is writing her own stuff, and I am currently struggling to get a long time one. Thanks for pointing those things out; writers thrive on your kind advice. I'll work on the tense for now, and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, mind explaining some of the things you said?
1988150
I'm fine with explaining. Which bits do you want clarity on?
Oh, also here or by pm?
1988156 The purple/florid prose part and just send it in a PM.
So that's why Celestia needed discord reformed. Therapy work. It all makes sense now.
Its hard to track 19 story's all at once, and now i have 20
*fave* *upvote*
(Joke) Alt. Title: see below
You said you needed a prof reader?
I would recomend that you check out the group prof readers and people willing to prof read (no, i'm not taking orders at current time)
You should be able to get some help there
Ok, if you want an editor, I can help. I'm currently writing two stories and have an editor that's a well-acclaimed author on Fimfiction himself. Sorry, I cannot say who, but he has taught me well. So, PM me if you would like help, I've already started writing in my notebook here about what sentences need what. For an example, you have good imagery in the beginning between foal-Luna and Celestia being interrupted by the other two Lunas, but too much imagery can be distracting and confuse a reader on what is going on. Here is a part that I've already worked on for you:
Now, let's take this and fix the first paragraph:
"Her high-pitched wails bellowed in Celestia’s
twitchingears. Instincts taking over,asshe abruptly rushed out of her cushion to her weeping sister’s aidatto the far end of the small rectangular table. The polished silverware clattered to the ground,andher nervous beating of feathers only adding to the chaos. Celestia found herself facing a bigger dilemma as she nearedher destinationfilly-Luna.A blinding flash of blue light shone inside the
daintysmall room, beaming brightly as it hovered behind Luna’s back, causing Celesta to reach a wing up to shield herselfeyes. With the crying continuing, the Sun Goddess persisted on, holding up heralabaster aegiswing as she carefullytrottedwent to the source. Gradually the bright glow died off, allowing her to quicklyapproachLuna before being stopped again."NOW, as I understand it, many people do not know that an alabaster aegis is an ornate shield, nor was there a mentioning of her reaching for it. If there was, then I missed it, because the story only mentions her bringing up her wing. Also, you must treat vocabulary like Goldielocks treats soup, just right. Same goes for imagery. If you like how I edited that, give me a shout, thanks for your time, Vague.
Well, aside from some grammar issues, this is a fantastic story! Oh the antics, the fun, the slight possibility of murder and bloodsucking...followed.
1986134 Poke.
1991221
Oh Look, you got a profile picture that wasn't complete derp xD
One beat of the heart every minute? Not sure if that'd be possible... Despite her being an Alicorn.
Wouldn't the name "We, Ourselves and Us"? Be more fitting?
Anyway, sounds interesting enought. Will give this a read eventually.
1991281 i c wat u did thar
If you're looking for more editors, I can see why. The story is indeed cute and comedic, but the inconsistent grammar does need a bit of work. I could be of assistance, if you'd like.
1991557
I know apnea can cause respiration to stop for a few minutes and I would not be too surprised if there was something similar for the heart. But those would be abnormal medical conditions.
I happened to measure my own pulse before getting out of bed on a morning where I felt particularly well rested and it was around 40 so I have no doubt that something lower than that at rest is possible for a sleeping healthy athlete... but this would still be nowhere near 1bpm, A young filly on the other hand has a smaller and likely weaker heart so my guess is the rate would be higher. The average for fully awake healthy humans at rest is in the 60-70bpm range.
1992187 Ah... Sorry, but let me try to gather this a bit...
You're telling me what you're BPM rate is before getting out of bed, yes? And then you try to theorize whether the BPM would be different for ponies? Sorry, I'm a bit confused
When people have a hard time understanding whether your story is in the present or the past, you really need to work on your dialogue. It doesn't flow.
1992227 Ohmygod!Ohmygod! You're Dennis! Don't worry about the errors as of now. I'm working on them now with my editors.
1989885 Dude, I have like sixty and I follow them just fine.
1992207
I was using my freshly-awoken BPM as a rough basis to approximate how low it might go for a human-sized filly, yes. Since I do not have equipment to actually measure how low it might get during deep sleep, I suppose it is quite possible that it dips even lower... but still nowhere near 1bpm since the brain would slowly kill itself from repeated asphyxiation - when the heart stops completely, the brain burns through local oxygen reserves within seconds.
Mammals of similar sizes have to pump roughly the same blood volume to regulate temperature and feed their high-maintenance brains so I would expect a filly which is of somewhat comparable size to humans to have somewhat similar rates. From what I read, foals start around 90bpm and adult horses get down to around 30bpm. Filly Luna would be much smaller than a full-grown horse so I would expect her to be somewhere in-between, much like humans. Again, nowhere near 1bpm.
Okay, then. Now I understand
May I be an editor? I am very good at spelling and grammar. I'm also good at punctuation.
Actually, nevermind about that.
Before reading...
I honestly expected Doctor Whooves as Celestias doctor...although any explanation as to WHY three versions of Luna are there would be nice.
Other than that, good first chapter!
1992772
If I had Celestia's psychiatrist as my own, I think I would be far more worried about who my psychiatrist is than having multiple Lunas to deal with since I strongly suspect said psychiatrist is responsible for both the multiple Lunas and Celestia needing a psychiatrist in the first place.
BTW, forum needs one or more Discord smileys!
1992912
I don't know. I guess he would be more interested in the plot of his work, if you catch my drift? After all, if he can use Celestia to make his chaos nopony would blame him (any order being an official decree and all that) and he could enjoy it more.
Other than that...you could always answer 'magic'. Any shit can be explained with this stuff so...
And yes, there should be more smilies of him. There should be more in general, with just a few to pick from that are easily usable like the ones right now.
Rather well written, although several grammar and spelling errors.
However, I would recommend making the next chapter a flashback to how we wound up with three Lunas.
Near, the end you said "wink him" when I think you meant "wink at him". There were a couple other issues with missing words, and everything else has been pointed out, as far as I can tell.
Hopefully an explanation for the present situation is coming soon.
Following.
1994247 I'll try to explain as best I can. What happens when you move your hips too much and your tail doesn't?
1994259
...actually, I meant the whole 'Three Luna's' thing...
Ya' know. That itty bitty detail.
1994269 You're just gonna have to wait for that.
1994283
I know.
I blame the Lunas on time travel.